War

Ancient Skeleton Discovered ‘Flipping the Bird’ Confirms Mideast Never Had a Chance

Ancient Skeleton Discovered ‘Flipping the Bird’ Confirms Mideast Never Had a Chance

In perhaps the most apropos discovery in the history of Middle Eastern archaeology,  the bones of a human middle finger, approximately 90,000 years old, were just unearthed at a dig site in Saudi Arabia. “We believe we are being flipped off from the past; we’re talking about millennia after this individual died,” said head of the Saudi Commission for Tourism and National Heritage, Ali Ghabban. “It’s almost as if our ancestors knew then that this area of the world would...

Suicide Bomber Demands Life Back after Catching Herpes from ‘Virgin’ in Heaven

Suicide Bomber Demands Life Back after Catching Herpes from ‘Virgin’ in Heaven

According to Shanti Shapiro – a San Francisco-based psychic – an ISIS jihadist who died in a suicide mission against Syrian soldiers is insisting he be resurrected after contracting an STD from one of the ‘virgins’ he slept with in the afterlife. “He is utterly furious: despite being promised 72 bona fide virgins, his penis and anus are now covered in painful sores, and going to the toilet is excruciating,” relayed Shapiro. According to Shapiro – who learnt Arabic from her...

Israeli Military Currently Training Saudis How to Play ‘Whack-a-Mole’ in Yemen

Israeli Military Currently Training Saudis How to Play ‘Whack-a-Mole’ in Yemen

The Saudi-led coalition continues its fight against Iranian-backed Houthis in Yemen, and its not going great for either side. According to one Saudi commander, “Let’s face it, while the Houthis are really not top-notch fighters, it turns out we’re also not as good as we thought”. “We figured that since we blame the Zionists for everything anyhow, why not learn one of their tricks and if it backfires we’ll just blame them again. That beauty works every time.” The Saudi commander...

Arab Leaders Confirm: The World Will End When We Say

Arab Leaders Confirm: The World Will End When We Say

Arab leaders meeting in Cairo yesterday confirmed their commitment that the world will end in their region and not over in that upstart North Korea. Saudi Foreign Minister Adel bin-Ahmed al-Jubeir commented, “We’ve been in the end of the world, clash of civilizations, religious smackdown business since Mohammed was in diapers. That punk ass, toilet-brush haircut, chubster Kim Jong-un can suck on a camel if he thinks he gets to jump the queue by threatening Alaska. Alaska? Yeah, you go...

ISIS Fighter Starting to Wonder If Maybe They’re Not the Good Guys

ISIS Fighter Starting to Wonder If Maybe They’re Not the Good Guys

RAQQA, SYRIA — Feeling uncertain about the brutal torture, sex slavery, and ethnic cleansing, ISIS fighter Ahmed al-Mustafa has been wondering if maybe they’re not the good guys. “You know, I came here like everybody else to follow the path of Jihad and fight the infidels,” he remarked. “On Facebook, everything seemed totally great. Good friends, adventure, women, you name it! And everything we were doing was for the glory of God so I just assumed we were the good...

British Protests, Violence Mark 241 Years Since Expulsion from American Colonies

British Protests, Violence Mark 241 Years Since Expulsion from American Colonies

As Americans celebrate the 241st anniversary of its independence with barbeques, parties and fireworks, rage in the United Kingdom set in as the British mark what they called the “Proper Mess,” British for ‘catastrophe‘. Peaceful protests against the United States’ independence turned violent, as clashes broke out between NATO troops and protesters demanding a “right of return” to the U.S. mainland. Riots were held in London, Manchester and other major cities, as British citizens protested their expulsion from what they termed “Occupied...

All Syrian Teen Wants Is to Rub One Out in Peace

All Syrian Teen Wants Is to Rub One Out in Peace

Under the constant threat of barrel bombs, stray mortar shells, crossfire between various rebel factions, and being strafed by a fighter jet, Syrian teen Mahmoud al-Tibi admitted Sunday that he can’t find one goddamn minute to jerk off properly. Between his mom barging into his bedroom to tell him “they’ve begun shelling again” and his little sister sobbing uncontrollably next door, it’s proving impossible to ‘smack the Imam’. “I try to watch some porn but halfway through the Internet connection...

Mexican Cartels Angry ISIS Getting All the Attention

Mexican Cartels Angry ISIS Getting All the Attention

MEXICO CITY — Last week, a spokesman for the notorious Mexican Sinaloa drug cartel reportedly complained to journalists that despite the high levels of violence in the region, ISIS is still getting the lion’s share of the world’s attention. A cartel spokesman was quoted saying, “We really try our hardest to be the most brutal gang in the world. We perform and/or offer dismemberments, beheadings, immolation, you name it, but I’m really not sure what more we can do at...

Poll: Only 40% of U.S. State Department Employees Confident Trump Knows Where Syria is

Poll: Only 40% of U.S. State Department Employees Confident Trump Knows Where Syria is

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a new internal survey conducted by the US State Department, less than half of all employees are confident that the current US President could point out Syria on a map. Earlier this week, President Trump threatened Syrian President Bashar al-Assad with grave repercussions if he were to use chemical weapons again. The survey was prompted by a discussion among state department officials, where no one could provide evidence that the current President of the United States...

ISIS Releases ‘Alternative Quran’

ISIS Releases ‘Alternative Quran’

Buoyed by Trump advisor Kellyanne Conway’s revelation that false statements can be redefined as “alternative facts,” the terrorist group ISIS has released what it dubbed an “alternative Quran” to justify some of its less Islamic practices. “While we enjoyed calling ourselves the ‘Islamic’ State, and we really liked making gruesome videos of burning enemy pilots to death, it was getting a little bit tough trying to reconcile the two,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi told The Mideast Beast. “Plus, most...

Gaza: We Will Donate Our Water to Flint, Michigan, Since No One Else Seems to Give a Damn

Gaza: We Will Donate Our Water to Flint, Michigan, Since No One Else Seems to Give a Damn

Finally, someone is taking action to help the residents of Flint, Michigan. Flint, which is made up primarily of underprivileged minority groups, has experienced a lead-tainted drinking water crises which has poisoned thousands of its citizens. While many American government authorities are still not doing enough to confront the problem, concerned citizens of Gaza have decided that enough is enough, and have taken it upon themselves to donate their scant water resources to Flint residents. “This crisis is a disgrace,”...

Major League Baseball Sends Scouts to West Bank to Observe Professional Stone Throwers

Major League Baseball Sends Scouts to West Bank to Observe Professional Stone Throwers

Noting the increasing prevalence of stone throwing, particularly among youths, in the Palestinian territories and in Israeli West Bank settlements, several Major League Baseball clubs have sent their scouts to the region to look for pitching talent. “For years we’ve been hearing stories about how both Arab and Jewish children grow up hurling rocks at cars, tanks, soldiers and American diplomats,” a scout for the Atlanta Braves told The Mideast Beast. “If they can throw a stone, how hard can...

God Urges Jews, Muslims to Stand their Ground in Dispute over Temple Mount

God Urges Jews, Muslims to Stand their Ground in Dispute over Temple Mount

With tensions between Israelis and Palestinians on Jerusalem’s Temple Mount reaching a boiling point over the past year, God once again urged both Jews and Muslims to resist pressure to compromise and said both religious groups should “fight to the last drop of blood” to protect the sanctity of the site. “This was the site of the first and second temples, and now Jews can’t even pray there without being arrested? And you tolerate this? I’m not sure why I...

No One Can Remember What All the Fuss Was About

No One Can Remember What All the Fuss Was About

Only 36 months since the guns fell silent after the last Israel-Gaza war, the outside world is scratching its collective head to recall what it was so worked up about. The American ambassador to the United Nations was nonplussed, “I seem to recall there were some big bangs and a lot of running around. Do they celebrate the 4th of July over there?” Globally, journalists were scrolling back through the archives to remind themselves where the hell they were that summer....

Facebook Commenter Finally Thinks of Perfect Response to Thread from 2014 Gaza War

Facebook Commenter Finally Thinks of Perfect Response to Thread from 2014 Gaza War

Sam Schwartzman, a Jewish Long Island resident, announced today that he has finally thought of the perfect response to a July 2014 Facebook comment criticizing Israel for its actions during that summer’s war in Gaza. The comment, posted by 31-year-old poet and waiter Rob Erikson, was the 132nd in a long series of comments responding to a Wall Street Journal editorial a mutual friend had posted defending Israel’s actions during the war. The thread quickly turned into a vicious argument...

Mossad Confirms: Jeremy Corbyn Probably Not That Big a Deal

Mossad Confirms: Jeremy Corbyn Probably Not That Big a Deal

Sources within Mossad, Israel’s national intelligence agency, have confirmed to The Mideast Beast that it has better things to worry about than British Opposition Leader, Jeremy Corbyn and that on balance he isn’t the biggest existential threat to the State of Israel. “Iran continues to race towards possession of nuclear weapons, ISIS is still around, and the Egyptian security forces are taking out their frustrations on Mexican tourists. So with all that in mind we don’t consider the ramblings of some old socialist to...

Everyone Excited to See Americans Back in the Mideast

Everyone Excited to See Americans Back in the Mideast

Mideast leaders have today breathed a collective sigh of relief on knowing that the Yanks are back! Yes, just when you thought you would all have to sort your own shit out through “diplomacy”, the good ol’ U.S. of A is taking things back ‘old school’ with some 21,000 pound negotiating, as well as re-re-re-training the Iraqi Army, and like four or five Syrian rebels. David Itay, Professor of International Dabbling and Meddling at the University of Tel Aviv was thrilled, “we’ve all...

Islamic Terror Organizations Condemn US for Withdrawing from Paris Climate Agreement

Islamic Terror Organizations Condemn US for Withdrawing from Paris Climate Agreement

Islamic State, Al-Qaeda, Boko Haram, and other Islamic terror organizations are growing increasingly concerned that due to Global Warming, there might not be anyone left to kill. In a rare joint statement they condemned the Trump Administration for withdrawing from the Paris Climate Agreement saying “If Climate Change is allowed to continue, there won’t be anyone left for us to kill”. An Al-Qaeda spokesperson stated, “We got kind of nervous when that GOP health care bill passed the House, but thought ‘OK,...

Syrian Civilians to Trump: “Civil War Not All It’s Cracked Up to Be”

Syrian Civilians to Trump: “Civil War Not All It’s Cracked Up to Be”

ALEPPO, SYRIA — Following attempts to introduce a Muslim ban, then to repeal and replace Obamacare, followed by a rocky visit with NATO countries, and topping things off with Trump officially announcing America’s withdrawal from the Paris Agreement on climate change, residents of Aleppo, Syria have suggested to President Donald Trump that civil wars are not nearly as good an idea as he seems to think. “Hey look, I was never a fan of Hillary,” said Dr. Ahmed during a hasty cigarette break between his job...

New Intelligence: Thoughts and Prayers Not as Effective as Once Thought

New Intelligence: Thoughts and Prayers Not as Effective as Once Thought

Internal documents recovered by U.S. Special Forces in Syria revealed that “thoughts and prayers” are not as effective against ISIS as once thought. The documents recovered have revealed that typing a status on Facebook and even to your 100 Twitter followers has not had the desired effect of deterring future attacks, nor have calls by celebrities for co-existence have had much impact changing terrorists’ minds. Posting the “co-exist” photo on Instagram has also been proven to be equally ineffective in combating...