War

Kim Jong-un: ‘Who Do I Have to Kill to Get Some Attention Around Here?’

Kim Jong-un: ‘Who Do I Have to Kill to Get Some Attention Around Here?’

Kim Jong-un was reportedly dismayed this week when his successful ballistic missile tests failed to garner the international attention that he expected after being overtaken by Trump’s visit to the Middle East. The official news source of the People’s Democratic-nothing-to-see-here- everything-is-super-good-Republic of North Korea released a statement from the leader demanding: “Who the fuck do I have to kill to get some attention around here?” Even a few months ago a successful ballistic missile test by the hermit kingdom would...

Afghans Vow to Free US from Russian Occupation

Afghans Vow to Free US from Russian Occupation

Nearly four decades after Americans helped their country drive out Soviet forces, Afghan leaders have pledged to return the favor by freeing the US from Russia’s grasp. “We will never forget that in 1979, when the Russians overthrew our rulers and installed a puppet government, Americans had our backs,” Taliban Emir Hibatullah Akhundzada told The Mideast Beast. “Now that the shoe is on the other foot, we have a responsibility to act.” On Saturday, Afghan forces set up a headquarters...

White House Leaks: Trump “Pretty Excited” About World War Three

White House Leaks: Trump “Pretty Excited” About World War Three

White House leaks have revealed that the President is currently “pretty satisfied” with the progress being made towards plunging the world into an all-consuming global conflict. He remains open to whether this is a good or a bad thing. In the minutes of a National Security Council that were leaked, National Security Adviser General H.R. McMasters expressed concern that the President seemed “a little too excited” about the possibility of World War III.  At one point, in trying to explain...

Islamic State: “Can’t Anyone Keep a Damn Secret Anymore?”

Islamic State: “Can’t Anyone Keep a Damn Secret Anymore?”

A spokesman for the Islamic State (IS) has harshly criticized the American President after reports emerged that he had spoilt their latest plot by leaking details to the Russians. “This is really the last straw for us. No one seems to appreciate that we put a lot of effort into these missions and now we’re going to have start all over. And who’s going to be the one to tell Ahmed that he won’t be joining 72 virgins in heaven...

ISIS Fighters Flee After Announcement That Combat Drones Are Protected by Second Amendment

ISIS Fighters Flee After Announcement That Combat Drones Are Protected by Second Amendment

The United States Supreme Court has ruled that the Second Amendment of the Constitution protects the right of every American to own military combat drones. Following the ruling, many Americans expressed plans to fly their personal hellfire-dispensing machines over Iraq and Syria to help in the fight against ISIS. “We’re going to take the fight to those terrorist bastards,” said Chuck Mason, a citizen of Indiana, in a Facebook post celebrating the court’s decision. “They can keep their damn gihad...

After Stealing from Jihadi Playbook, Hare Krishna Returns with a Vengeance

After Stealing from Jihadi Playbook, Hare Krishna Returns with a Vengeance

Just when the world thought it was safe to walk through an airport terminal or attend a public street festival without being assaulted by the calming sound of small temple bells and the hypnotic Maha Mantra Hare Krishna Hare Krishna, they’re back with a vengeance. They aren’t your father’s Krishnas. Nope. These guys have resurfaced out of the radical hotbed known as the Middle East, where competing terrorist groups attempt to out-do one another with trash talk, opening the most Twitter accounts,...

“Operation Palestone”: IDF to Hand out Free Joints to Would-Be Stabbers

“Operation Palestone”: IDF to Hand out Free Joints to Would-Be Stabbers

RAMALLAH – Vowing to “cannabize counter-terrorism efforts,” the Israel Defense Forces unveiled a highly unorthodox policy today to combat a spate of attacks against its soldiers and civilians. “Every morning, free marijuana joints will be distributed to Palestinians under the age of 30,” said Maj. Gen. Nisan Ya’alon of the IDF Central Command. “By blunting their rage with drug-induced bliss, we aim to prevent them from perpetrating future terror attacks,” Ya’alon said, referring to stabbings and car-rammings carried out by mainly young...

Palestine to Legalize Weed, Become the “Occupied Holland of the Mideast”

Palestine to Legalize Weed, Become the “Occupied Holland of the Mideast”

RAMALLAH – While smoking a joint decorated in the colors of his nation’s flag, Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas announced today that his country will become the first in the Middle East to allow the production, sale and consumption of cannabis. Explaining his surprising decision, Abbas said: “With the tax revenue and skyrocketing export income, we’ll bulldoze the West Bank’s refugee camps and build their long-suffering residents houses that put the red-roofed faux villas of the settlers to shame. We’ll...

World Wakes to Shocking News: ‘Not Everything is About Israel’

World Wakes to Shocking News: ‘Not Everything is About Israel’

Citizens around the world, especially Israelis, are waking up this morning to the shocking news that not everything going on in the world involves and revolves around Israel. International developments for which Israelis have no involvement include: Accelerating spread of Ebola through West Africa and other parts of the world. This apparently was not caused by a dropped test tube in a secret chemical warfare lab in the Negev desert. Gun violence in America is not instigated by Mossad black operations units working alongside special...

Trump Offers Wall Around Syrian Safe Areas

Trump Offers Wall Around Syrian Safe Areas

President Trump has suggested to his Russian comrade that a beautiful big wall would really be the best way to the ensure the proposed safe areas in Syria are really secure. A spokesman for the US president commented, “This proposal demonstrates how President Trump continues to think outside the box on issues concerning international relations. As everyone knows, contrary to the FAKE MEDIA, the border wall with Mexico is right on track. In fact, we think we can get it done...

Lack of Baguettes Upset French ISIS Fighters

Lack of Baguettes Upset French ISIS Fighters

French Islamic converts that have travelled to the Middle East to fight for ISIS have admitted to making ‘a bit of a mistake’ according to documents released by the French Intelligence Services. “We’ve come to the region to fight for the Caliphate, but when you can’t find a charger for your iPod to make sure you’ve got some banging tunes to charge into battle with what’s the point?”, one recruit told The Mideast Beast. Another convert complained about inhumane treatment in...

Israel to Employ Jewish Grandmothers to Force-Feed Palestinian Prisoners on Hunger Strike

Israel to Employ Jewish Grandmothers to Force-Feed Palestinian Prisoners on Hunger Strike

In a move widely condemned as cruel and unusual punishment, Israel has announced that it will begin force-feeding Palestinian prisoners on hunger strike by employing Jewish grandmothers to guilt them into eating. “Security prisoners are interested in turning a hunger strike into a new type of suicide terrorist attack through which they will threaten the State of Israel,” Public Security Minister Gilad Erdan told The Mideast Beast. “We have no choice but to unleash our own form of terror.” Prisoners...

ISIS to Sell Soiled Jeans to Nordstrom

ISIS to Sell Soiled Jeans to Nordstrom

The Islamic State has finally come up with a solution to its financial problems, as the department store Nordstrom has agreed to pay hundreds of dollars per item for pairs of soiled jeans worn by the group’s fighters. “After we lost our access to oil and ran out of priceless art to sell, we were so broke we thought we might have to shut down shop,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi admitted. “But then we saw that those infidels at...

ISIS Declares War on Ebola for Stealing Headlines

ISIS Declares War on Ebola for Stealing Headlines

Senior ISIS leadership have declared a Fatwa on the terrifying super bug currently crawling out of Africa. The Head of ISIS’ Rage Department declared, “we simply can’t stand by as this media whore of a disease takes all our publicity away. Hello!!!!! Chopping peoples heads off over here!!!! Can I get a witness?” “We are right up on the border with Turkey, just moments away from dragging a NATO nation into a ground war with us, and still in some...

ISIS Replaces Beheading Videos with Live Streams of Camels in Labor

ISIS Replaces Beheading Videos with Live Streams of Camels in Labor

After a YouTube stream of April the giraffe giving birth in a New York zoo reached a live audience of 1.2 million viewers Saturday, ISIS has announced that they will be replacing their infamous beheading videos with live streams of camels in labor. A spokesperson predicted that this tactical move will result in much more successful recruitment rates from the West, specifically North America. An online poll revealed that 45% of Americans expect to have a “more favorable outlook on...

ISIS Releases Official Response to MOAB: “Ok, Now You Dickheads Are Just Showing Off”

ISIS Releases Official Response to MOAB: “Ok, Now You Dickheads Are Just Showing Off”

Following the United States’ first use of the world’s largest non-nuclear bomb in combat, multiple terrorist groups condemned the US, rolled their eyes, and said, “you dickheads are just showing off”. An ISIS fighter interviewed by The Mideast Beast sounded exasperated saying “first it was the missiles, then it was the drones, and now this crap? Jesus, can’t they just send the SEALS like they used to?” Another clearly shaken al-Qaeda fighter said in an interview, “I admit I signed...

America Solves Middle East Crisis with Really, Really Big Bombs

America Solves Middle East Crisis with Really, Really Big Bombs

The US military has confirmed this week that the root of all the problems in the Middle East was that there just wasn’t a big enough bomb. Until now… US Secretary of Defense Jim Mattis commented, “I’ve been looking at this issue for some time, first in my role as Commander of CENTCOM and now as a senior advisor to the Toddler-in-Chief. And the conclusion I’ve come to is that we just weren’t dropping big enough bombs. This was really...

ISIS Refuses to Hijack United Airlines Flights

ISIS Refuses to Hijack United Airlines Flights

Joining a growing boycott of the airlines after a passenger was beaten and dragged off an overbooked plane, ISIS announced this week that it will not hijack any United Airlines flights. “While our mujahedeen are fearless warriors willing to die as martyrs of Islam, even they have their limits,” ISIS caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi said in a videotape released on Al Jazeera. “If they are going to sacrifice their lives battling the infidels, they shouldn’t have to worry about getting...

Following Missile Strikes on Syria, Trump Promises “WWIII Will Be the Greatest War, Probably Ever”

Following Missile Strikes on Syria, Trump Promises “WWIII Will Be the Greatest War, Probably Ever”

Following the missile strikes on a Syrian airbase where Russian troops were reported to be stationed, President Trump has announced the Russia-US war likely to follow would be the greatest ever. “It’s going to be just terrific, and we’re looking at a lot of options, ok,” he said in a press conference. “We’re looking at nuclear, we have a fantastic nuclear program that I’m so proud of, and we have our submarines, we have to talk about the submarines, you...

United Airlines Doubling Down With Syrian Deal

United Airlines Doubling Down With Syrian Deal

United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz is reportedly considering offering Syrian President Bashar al-Assad two million air miles and lifetime premier status in return for any left-over Sarin. Brand Management expert Elliott Alexander commented, “This is potentially a very smart move by United. Bumping paying passengers from a flight is commonplace, the real PR nightmare is when you drag them kicking and screaming down the airplane aisle. Imagine an environment where they were limp and uncomplaining. Win!” “It also opens a lot...