War

ISIS Bans ‘Battlefield Selfies’

ISIS Bans ‘Battlefield Selfies’

In a move to enhance the battlefield effectiveness of its fighters, top ‘Islamic State’ commanders have had to impose a ban on ‘Battle Selfies’, which have become ever more prevalent as the terrorist group takes on increased numbers of western recruits. One ISIS commander told The Mideast Beast (TMB), “we’ve had a real problem with this in recent weeks as we’ve looked to consolidate our position in the face of stiffened resistance from the US and its local lackeys. “It was...

Palestinian Secretly Ecstatic Settlers Burned Down Olive Grove Where He Wants New House

Palestinian Secretly Ecstatic Settlers Burned Down Olive Grove Where He Wants New House

Palestinian olive farmer Mahmoud al-Tabrani was ecstatic Monday after a group of masked Jewish settlers burned down his olive grove. The grove was the exact site he had planned construction for his new home. In an interview with The Mideast Beast, he said being that he would have had to do all the work himself, and that “it’s like I’ve won the lottery.” He continued, “Cutting down all those trees would have taken me days if not weeks.” However, when being...

In Between Car Bombs, Iraqis Offer Support to Swedes Following Tragic Fake Attack

In Between Car Bombs, Iraqis Offer Support to Swedes Following Tragic Fake Attack

The Iraqi government released a statement earlier today, in solidarity with the Swedish people after they were targeted by President Trump with a false terrorist attack this past weekend. Swedish citizens were shocked to their very cores to find themselves under retroactive assault Friday night after the President referenced “what happened last night in Sweden” at his Florida rally. The Iraqi statement read in part, “We wish to extend our full support to our Swedish brothers and sisters at this difficult...

Infowars.com Reports Iraqi Army Fighting to Liberate Stockholm

Infowars.com Reports Iraqi Army Fighting to Liberate Stockholm

Alex Jones, the walking advertisement for why you really shouldn’t stay out in the sun too long, and the host of Infowars.com has reported that the elite Golden Division of the Iraqi Army is engaged in intense combat with ISIS forces in and around the Swedish capital. Heavy fighting is reported around the Ikea store in Jakobsberg, although Infowars.com correspondents may be confusing this with the normal Sunday afternoon rush to get reasonably priced homeware bargains. President Trump has directed...

Desperate for Money, ISIS Creating Postmodern Art from Destroyed Remains of Ancient World

Desperate for Money, ISIS Creating Postmodern Art from Destroyed Remains of Ancient World

ISIS leaders have been taking meetings in the contemporary art scene to raise money for future fighting in Mosul. Citing religious purposes, the group is known to destroy ancient art and ruins with sledgehammers, bombs and permanent markers to erase the rich cultural history of the region. But now, facing a stronger Iraqi/US front, the group has no choice but to change strategy. Led by Kata’ib Taswiyya, the group traditionally in charge of demolishing cultural targets, ISIS has started producing sculptural...

Shortage of Stones in West Bank Leaves Youth Asking: ‘What Will We Throw Next?’

Shortage of Stones in West Bank Leaves Youth Asking: ‘What Will We Throw Next?’

A severe shortage of suitable ‘throwing stones’ in the West Bank has caused a panic in recent weeks. Citing natural erosion – and decades of stone-throwing by teenagers who should have been in school –Palestinian Authority officials have declared a state of emergency in various cities and towns throughout the West Bank, leaving the IDF and the international community asking: what will they throw next? Speaking to The Mideast Beast, 12-year-old Usman Abu Rahman said, “Without stones to throw, I’m more depressed than ever. Throwing stones at...

ISIS Apologizes to Trump for Inaccurate Terror List

ISIS Apologizes to Trump for Inaccurate Terror List

Last week, the White House blamed the media for underreporting terrorist activity. While many of the attacks on the list were covered by the media, some, like the Bowling Green and Atlantis attacks came from a list reportedly provided by ISIS. Per a staffer who works close to the president, Trump was furious that his team continued to cite attacks that did not happen and demanded that they find the source of the continued misinformation. In a press briefing today, Sean...

Continent That Spent Thousands of Years Killing One Another Dismayed With Violence in The Mideast

Continent That Spent Thousands of Years Killing One Another Dismayed With Violence in The Mideast

Representatives from the continent that spent thousands of years killing each other en masse have released their most recent condemnation of violence in Syria and Iraq. The European council of ministers met earlier this week to condemn the violence in the region fueled by ideological differences; the German foreign minister, representing the country that, up until 1989 was split down the middle, stated: “Ideology should not divide us”. The European Union on Monday also condemned Russia’s air campaign in Syria,...

The Islamic State Confirms Activities for Kids in Heaven

The Islamic State Confirms Activities for Kids in Heaven

In an ambitious bid to expand their workforce, the Islamic State (IS) has confirmed new rewards for underage martyrs. IS spokesman Walid Smal-Salami said; “For too long we’ve been focused on our core demographic of murderous and horny 18-35 year olds. It’s frankly been an easy sell to say ‘hey guys look, 72 unsullied hot chicks are yours if you’re just willing to suspend critical thinking for a bit, and basically be a complete shithead.’” “Actually to be honest we don’t vocalize...

ISIS Redirects Fighters to Battle Climate Change

ISIS Redirects Fighters to Battle Climate Change

ISIS spokesman Abdullah da-Mullah has announced the cessation of military operations against the infidels (i.e. the world), in order to focus on a more deadly threat to the Islamic Caliphate. “We have directed our forces to halt their advance in both Iraq and Syria immediately.  All offensive units have been given new orders as of this morning,” said da-Mullah.  “The Islamic State is committing all its resources to the defeat of climate change.” Mr. da-Mullah then drew his scimitar and...

Inspired by Trump, Saudi Arabia Enacts (Poor) Muslim Ban

Inspired by Trump, Saudi Arabia Enacts (Poor) Muslim Ban

Saudi Leaders, looking to repair the relationship that many saw as being damaged under Barack Obama, and also saying they felt obliged to follow in the footsteps of its American allies, enacted its own (poor) Muslim ban this week and said that it would not be able to absorb refugees fleeing war torn Iraq and Syria. “We’d really like to help out our (poor) Muslim brothers, who speak our language, know our culture and are coming from right next door,”...

Terrorist Groups Issue Rare Joint Press Release

Terrorist Groups Issue Rare Joint Press Release

In a rare show of unity, the terrorist organizations prescribed by the US State Department issued a joint press release demanding equal acknowledgement with Muslim groups for the ‘Bowling Green Massacre.’ Kellyanne Conway couldn’t be reached for comment but the demand was undersigned:   Abu Sayyaf Group, Aum Shinrikyo, Basque Fatherland and Liberty, Gama’a al-Islamiyya, HAMAS, Harakat ul-Mujahidin, Hizballah, Kahane Chai, Kurdistan Workers Party, Liberation Tigers of Tamil Eelam, National Liberation Army, Palestine Liberation Front, Palestinian Islamic Jihad, Popular Front...

ISIS Thrilled Over Patriots Super Bowl Victory

ISIS Thrilled Over Patriots Super Bowl Victory

Calling the suffering inflicted on the vast majority of Americans “a really nice surprise,” ISIS leaders were reportedly celebrating into the morning hours Monday after the hated New England Patriots’ stunning come-from-behind win in Super Bowl LI. “Seeing the American infidels this angry without having to plan and execute an attack is just a really great way to start the workweek,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi said after a James White touchdown run sealed the game for New England in...

Al Qaeda Claims Credit for Bowling Green Massacre

Al Qaeda Claims Credit for Bowling Green Massacre

Calling it the first act in a “comeback tour of terrorism,” al Qaeda claimed credit Sunday for the Bowling Green Massacre, which was first revealed last week by Trump adviser Kellyanne Conway. “The martyrs of Bowling Green remain hidden no more,” an al Qaeda spokesman said in a released statement. “Let the blood of the dead flowing through the streets of Bowling Green serve as justice for our brothers killed by the American crusaders.” Conway first brought attention to the...

Trump Tweets Nuclear Codes in 3 a.m. Twitter War with Jordanian Troll

Trump Tweets Nuclear Codes in 3 a.m. Twitter War with Jordanian Troll

The U.S. nuclear arsenal has gone on emergency lockdown after President Donald Trump mistakenly tweeted the nuclear launch codes during a twitter fight with a Jordanian troll. Trump appeared to mistakenly believe the troll, whose Twitter handle is @KingofJordan69, was in fact King Abdullah II, the Kingdom’s monarch. After @KingofJordan69, who was later discovered to be a 14-year-old boy from a village outside Amman, tweeted that “I herd @realDonaldTrump has small hand and more smaller penis,” Trump unleashed an hour-long...

Following Trump Victory, Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse Arrive in Jerusalem

Following Trump Victory, Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse Arrive in Jerusalem

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse have arrived in Jerusalem this week for discussions on how exactly they are going to end mankind. Pestilence, War, Famine, and Death have gathered in The King David Hotel and won’t be leaving until things are settled. End of the World groupie, Jim Jane commented, “The guys are just in a really good place right now and feel that now is the time to get their ducks in a row, you know before all...

Qassam Rocket & Iron Dome Interceptor Begin Star-Crossed Love Affair

Qassam Rocket & Iron Dome Interceptor Begin Star-Crossed Love Affair

The political implications are as grave as the story is improbable.  A Hamas Qassam-4 Rocket and an Israeli Iron Dome Interceptor have sent letters to their respective commanders declaring that they can no longer hide their love. “When I first laid eyes on her, it was the kind of thing that you feel deep in your fuselage,” said the Interceptor who prefers to go unnamed. “There was just something about her arc of flight that told me not to blow...

News Agencies Implore International Community to Provide More ISIS Stock Photography.

News Agencies Implore International Community to Provide More ISIS Stock Photography.

News agencies across the world begged the international community to supply them with more ISIS-related stock photos. Exasperated at using the same half dozen images again and again with each ISIS-based news story, Fox News reporter Samuel Swan explained the dramatic move; “It becomes so hard to peddle our agenda of fear and division when we keep on having to recycle old images; it ruins our authenticity and that’s what makes us look silly.” It has not escaped the notice of...

Donald Trump Clinches “Islamic State Recruiter of the Month”

Donald Trump Clinches “Islamic State Recruiter of the Month”

The ISIS-affiliated al-Amaq news agency has reported that Donald Trump has been named “recruiter of the month” this January. The statement read, “in recognition of superior recruiting efforts on the part of Donald J. Trump, we present this certificate of appreciation for his contribution to the cause of the Islamic State.” ISIS leaders, recruiters, and foot soldiers alike were stunned on Friday when Trump signed the Executive Order temporarily restricting immigration and refugees from seven countries. One ISIS soldier said,...

Al-Qaeda Launches ‘Name Your Resistance Group’ Startup Service in the U.S.

Al-Qaeda Launches ‘Name Your Resistance Group’ Startup Service in the U.S.

For a long time, Israel was branded as the ‘startup nation’, but there’s a new contender for the title: Al-Qaeda. Following the creation of ‘the resistance’ in the US as the progressive movement against Donald Trump, the terror group is launching a startup that aims to make the naming of your resistance group much easier. The service provides a various number of packages from the basic “I need to name my totally-not-a-terrorist group” to a complete package including a name,...