War

ISIS to Sell Soiled Jeans to Nordstrom

ISIS to Sell Soiled Jeans to Nordstrom

The Islamic State has finally come up with a solution to its financial problems, as the department store Nordstrom has agreed to pay hundreds of dollars per item for pairs of soiled jeans worn by the group’s fighters. “After we lost our access to oil and ran out of priceless art to sell, we were so broke we thought we might have to shut down shop,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi admitted. “But then we saw that those infidels at...

ISIS Declares War on Ebola for Stealing Headlines

ISIS Declares War on Ebola for Stealing Headlines

Senior ISIS leadership have declared a Fatwa on the terrifying super bug currently crawling out of Africa. The Head of ISIS’ Rage Department declared, “we simply can’t stand by as this media whore of a disease takes all our publicity away. Hello!!!!! Chopping peoples heads off over here!!!! Can I get a witness?” “We are right up on the border with Turkey, just moments away from dragging a NATO nation into a ground war with us, and still in some...

ISIS Replaces Beheading Videos with Live Streams of Camels in Labor

ISIS Replaces Beheading Videos with Live Streams of Camels in Labor

After a YouTube stream of April the giraffe giving birth in a New York zoo reached a live audience of 1.2 million viewers Saturday, ISIS has announced that they will be replacing their infamous beheading videos with live streams of camels in labor. A spokesperson predicted that this tactical move will result in much more successful recruitment rates from the West, specifically North America. An online poll revealed that 45% of Americans expect to have a “more favorable outlook on...

ISIS Releases Official Response to MOAB: “Ok, Now You Dickheads Are Just Showing Off”

ISIS Releases Official Response to MOAB: “Ok, Now You Dickheads Are Just Showing Off”

Following the United States’ first use of the world’s largest non-nuclear bomb in combat, multiple terrorist groups condemned the US, rolled their eyes, and said, “you dickheads are just showing off”. An ISIS fighter interviewed by The Mideast Beast sounded exasperated saying “first it was the missiles, then it was the drones, and now this crap? Jesus, can’t they just send the SEALS like they used to?” Another clearly shaken al-Qaeda fighter said in an interview, “I admit I signed...

America Solves Middle East Crisis with Really, Really Big Bombs

America Solves Middle East Crisis with Really, Really Big Bombs

The US military has confirmed this week that the root of all the problems in the Middle East was that there just wasn’t a big enough bomb. Until now… US Secretary of Defense Jim Mattis commented, “I’ve been looking at this issue for some time, first in my role as Commander of CENTCOM and now as a senior advisor to the Toddler-in-Chief. And the conclusion I’ve come to is that we just weren’t dropping big enough bombs. This was really...

ISIS Refuses to Hijack United Airlines Flights

ISIS Refuses to Hijack United Airlines Flights

Joining a growing boycott of the airlines after a passenger was beaten and dragged off an overbooked plane, ISIS announced this week that it will not hijack any United Airlines flights. “While our mujahedeen are fearless warriors willing to die as martyrs of Islam, even they have their limits,” ISIS caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi said in a videotape released on Al Jazeera. “If they are going to sacrifice their lives battling the infidels, they shouldn’t have to worry about getting...

Following Missile Strikes on Syria, Trump Promises “WWIII Will Be the Greatest War, Probably Ever”

Following Missile Strikes on Syria, Trump Promises “WWIII Will Be the Greatest War, Probably Ever”

Following the missile strikes on a Syrian airbase where Russian troops were reported to be stationed, President Trump has announced the Russia-US war likely to follow would be the greatest ever. “It’s going to be just terrific, and we’re looking at a lot of options, ok,” he said in a press conference. “We’re looking at nuclear, we have a fantastic nuclear program that I’m so proud of, and we have our submarines, we have to talk about the submarines, you...

United Airlines Doubling Down With Syrian Deal

United Airlines Doubling Down With Syrian Deal

United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz is reportedly considering offering Syrian President Bashar al-Assad two million air miles and lifetime premier status in return for any left-over Sarin. Brand Management expert Elliott Alexander commented, “This is potentially a very smart move by United. Bumping paying passengers from a flight is commonplace, the real PR nightmare is when you drag them kicking and screaming down the airplane aisle. Imagine an environment where they were limp and uncomplaining. Win!” “It also opens a lot...

UN Security Council on Syria: ‘All Verbs on the Table’ Following Chemical Attack

UN Security Council on Syria: ‘All Verbs on the Table’ Following Chemical Attack

Following the US response to this week’s chemical attack in Syria, the United Nations has urged restraint on the part of all parties saying, “We have not exhausted all the possible words in the dictionary”. Representatives from members of the Security Council and General Assembly were threatening to draft a resolution expressing extreme consternation, bewilderment, and even outright stupefaction over the attack that killed over 100 civilians with sarin gas. Documents obtained by The Mideast Beast have shown memos indicating that...

‘But Putin Said Bashar Was a Great Guy,’ Confused Trump Says

‘But Putin Said Bashar Was a Great Guy,’ Confused Trump Says

Admitting that he does not know who he can trust anymore, President Trump said Thursday that he is struggling to reconcile Syrian President Bashar al-Assad’s recent chemical weapon strike on civilians with Russian President Vladimir Putin’s promise that Assad is a “tremendous guy.” “Every time I speak to Vladimir – which is a lot, believe me – all he says is ‘Bashar is so great, Bashar is so loyal, why can’t you be more like Bashar?’ Trump told The Mideast...

ISIS Condemns Civilian Casualties in Iraq and Syria as “Too Corporate”

ISIS Condemns Civilian Casualties in Iraq and Syria as “Too Corporate”

Earlier today an Islamic State spokesperson condemned coalition airstrikes in Iraq and Syria, and the resulting collateral damage as “too corporate”, taking a drag from a hand rolled cigarette and saying, “we turned killing civilians into our own brand before it was cool”. The Islamic State has become notorious for the gruesome ways in which it has killed civilians and prisoners of war, such as when they lit a captured Jordanian pilot on fire and released the video on YouTube....

ISIS Leader Suffers Gender Identity Crisis, Demands to be Called ‘Amy’

ISIS Leader Suffers Gender Identity Crisis, Demands to be Called ‘Amy’

Fresh off a string of stunning battlefield failures, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has locked himself in his room and refuses to come out.  Mr. and Mrs. al-Baghdadi are at a loss for how to deal with their increasingly distant and willful son, the new Caliph of the Islamic State. “It began when he turned 13, and we didn’t give him a bat mitzvah. But it’s because we aren’t Jewish, not that we don’t love him, but he insisted that...

ISIS Releases ‘Alternative Quran’

ISIS Releases ‘Alternative Quran’

Buoyed by Trump advisor Kellyanne Conway’s recent revelation that false statements can be redefined as “alternative facts,” the terrorist group ISIS has released what it dubbed an “alternative Quran” to justify some of its less Islamic practices. “While we enjoyed calling ourselves the ‘Islamic’ State, and we really liked making gruesome videos of burning enemy pilots to death, it was getting a little bit tough trying to reconcile the two,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi told The Mideast Beast. “Plus,...

Syria Furious Africans Receive Coveted Last Place in ‘World Happiness Report’

Syria Furious Africans Receive Coveted Last Place in ‘World Happiness Report’

Syrians have reacted angrily to the latest World Happiness Report that places them as only the fourth saddest place in the world, trailing Tanzania, Burundi and the Central African Republic. A spokesman for the Syrian government commented, “Tanzania has the Serengeti for fuck’s sake. How can you be sad when you’ve got lions to look at? I think we had some lions in the Damascus zoo, but we ate them. Doesn’t get sadder than that.” The disbelief is shared on...

Trump Promises to Send Syrian Refugees ‘Back to Mexico’

Trump Promises to Send Syrian Refugees ‘Back to Mexico’

With U.S. political leaders debating whether to accept thousands of Syrian refugees, President Donald Trump unveiled a new proposal to “send those Arabs back to Mexico where they belong.” While details were vague, Trump’s proposal called for all four million Syrian refugees to be sent “back” to Mexico immediately and for a giant wall to be built along Syria’s borders to stop any more refugees from leaving the country. “Syria isn’t sending its brightest. They’re sending jihadists, they’re sending rapists,...

Trump Vows to Shutdown Epcot’s Morocco Pavilion

Trump Vows to Shutdown Epcot’s Morocco Pavilion

THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH, FLORIDA — Calling it a breeding ground for terrorism and a threat to national security, US President Donald Trump said shutting down the Morocco Pavilion in Disney World’s Epcot theme park is his next priority. “Why did President Obama let a country full of Muslim jihadis occupy American soil in Orlando?” Trump wrote in an early morning tweet. “This is why America is LOSING! SAD!” Trump, who once promised to ban all Muslims from travelling to the U.S., said he...

Trump: Israeli Security Wall Does Good Job Keeping Mexicans Out

Trump: Israeli Security Wall Does Good Job Keeping Mexicans Out

Speaking to reporters at a press conference, President Trump laid out his views on the Middle East. “I’m reluctant to give credit to other people’s construction projects,” admitted 45, “but I was very impressed with the separation wall Israel built in and around the West Bank. Throughout my trip in Israel I saw maybe 10-12 Mexicans, tops. Obviously the wall is doing a great job keeping them out, and if Israel hadn’t built the fence it would certainly by now be overrun by...

Hamas Rocket Attack Fails, as Gazan Civilians Unharmed

Hamas Rocket Attack Fails, as Gazan Civilians Unharmed

Rockets fired from the Gaza Strip were deemed a failure by the militant group Hamas, as no Palestinian civilian injuries were reported. Hamas officials expressed disappointment that the missiles launched by the group, which landed in southern Israel, failed to strike any Palestinian schools or UN camps or draw an Israeli response that could be condemned by the international media. “We were sure at least one of the rockets would fall short of Israel and land in an apartment building, or...

Israeli Army Hands Out Medals for not Making Camel Jokes

Israeli Army Hands Out Medals for not Making Camel Jokes

In a recent military ceremony, Chief of Israel Defense Force (IDF) Ground Forces Command handed out medals to several IDF soldiers following the successful repatriation of two lost camels to Palestine. “This was a complex operation where there was the very real danger that these brave men and women could have resorted to any number of juvenile jokes relating to camels, their owners, and the potential of a close relationship between the two. It is a tribute to them that there was...

ISIS’ Latest Terror Threat: “We Will Force Americans to Learn Geography!”

ISIS’ Latest Terror Threat: “We Will Force Americans to Learn Geography!”

ISIS spokesman Senna ibn Booboo has announced new plans to force Americans to learn geography. “The terror of watching American citizens beheaded in Syria won’t get that much attention. But forcing Americans to find Syria on a map? Now that’s suffering!” Ibn Booboo pointed to Al Qaeda’s past successes; “The secret is to murder Americans in places about which average Americans don’t even know on which continent to start looking. Blow up the USS Cole and watch as the hapless...