Reprisal of the Damned, Part II – The Hunter

Reprisal of the Damned, Part II – The Hunter

The tunes of 95.9 FM “The Ranch” fill the main room of the log cabin, snippets of a Fox newscast barely audible from the adjacent bedroom during pauses in the music. A man sits on an old leather chair that was brought in from DC, he’s cleaning a shotgun. The room is decorated with mementos from four decades of a career spent cheating death: guns, bombs and heart attacks. Above the fireplace hang three hunting trophies: a stag, a yeti,...

‘This might be more complicated than we thought,’ admits everyone

‘This might be more complicated than we thought,’ admits everyone

The professional commentator and activist communities were all thrown into joint turmoil recently with confirmation that the UAE and Egypt had combined forces to bomb pickup truck-driving locals in downtown Tripoli. “Say what now?” asked Expressive Dance student, Evan Gents, from his squat in the East End of London. “Woah, you’re blowing my mind. Do I need to add some more lines to this ‘Stop the War’ placard? Why can’t anything be simple? I’m seriously considering not going on the march this...

Reprisal of the Damned, Part I – The Ritual

Reprisal of the Damned, Part I – The Ritual

The single candle casts five shadows on the cavern’s back wall, the flame reflecting in four pairs of apprehensive eyes locked on the figure in slate-gray robes. The figure raises two hands and intones: “God is greatest!” “Praise be to God!” the voices from the back are waveringly slightly, as if mimicking the flickering light of the candle. “By the will of–” “–Cut!” The cry comes from the sixth man at the cave’s entrance. “I, uh… I think it stopped...

Netanyahu Goes on Team Building Trip with New Government, Comes Back Alone

Netanyahu Goes on Team Building Trip with New Government, Comes Back Alone

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu tried to strengthen relations between his new government’s members by leading a team-bonding excursion into the Negev Desert that ended with him returning home alone. “A heaping, stinking mess,” is how the hiking guide described the government’s first attempt at working together. “I don’t want to name names, but while one government official – wearing a skirt – was walking over hot coals, another official – wearing a beard – tripped her. She was rushed...

Israel Agrees to Disband But Only After World Shows That its Predisposition Towards Jew-Killing is Dealt With First

Israel Agrees to Disband But Only After World Shows That its Predisposition Towards Jew-Killing is Dealt With First

In a surprise announcement today, causing a global ‘thumbs up’, the Israeli government announced that it would acquiesce to the requests of countless over the course of several decades to “just go away.” Thus, the Jewish State will most likely succumb to international pressure and disband. However, this decision hinges on just a single condition: that the world’s apparent fascination with answering the question, “wouldn’t everything just be better if all the Jews were dead?” be put to rest once...

Drones Establish Autonomous Country in Northwest Pakistan

Drones Establish Autonomous Country in Northwest Pakistan

The region of Waziristan, on the Afghanistan-Pakistan border, has earned the appellation ‘Stan of Stans’ for being literally the worst place on this planet for humans to live. The Stanhabitants have endured several centuries of bloody warfare, occasionally interrupted by famine to keep everyone on their toes. Since 2004, the area has been the epicenter of America’s ‘Drone War’, with over 400 strikes killing 1,654 militants, 407 civilians, 690 civilized militants, 72 militarized civilians, 14 people who were neither very...

Singer Morrissey Accidentally Cancels World Tour Following Egypt’s Sentencing of Morsi to Death

Singer Morrissey Accidentally Cancels World Tour Following Egypt’s Sentencing of Morsi to Death

British musician and former Smiths front man Morrissey immediately cancelled the remaining shows on his 2015 concert tour upon hearing the news that he had been sentenced to death by an Egyptian court on Saturday. “I cannot take this kind of heat. I have delicate skin and the thought of being shot, beheaded or however they plan on ending me is making me forget song lyrics.” The respected melodramatic artist racked his brain for an explanation: “A fatwa on my head,...

Syrian Warplanes Bomb Montana

Syrian Warplanes Bomb Montana

President Bashar al-Assad recently authorized air strikes on militia units in northern Montana in collaboration with elements of the Canadian Defence Forces and the UN. The White House was kept fully informed of the operation. The Syrian Leader was quoted, “to be completely honest I just felt that the world had become so completely unhinged that this didn’t seem that odd anymore. I’ve been hammering away on my own population for so long, creating hatred and the ungoverned spaces for...

American Association of University Professors Votes to Replace ‘Middle East’

American Association of University Professors Votes to Replace ‘Middle East’

In an attempt to connect with chronically glassy eyed college students, the largest organization of professors in the United States is combatting declining interest in Middle East studies by changing the name of the region. “Today’s pop culturally savvy, sex-saturated undergraduates are tuning out of any programs that contain the term ‘Middle East’. Aspiring potheads around the country believe that the entire region is a figment of their parents’ imagination. ‘Middle of what? East of where?’ I hate my father. You have any Cheetos?’...

Jews Brace For Stupidly Long Holiday Because Ancient Jews Weren’t Very Good At Making Calendars

Jews Brace For Stupidly Long Holiday Because Ancient Jews Weren’t Very Good At Making Calendars

Today, Diaspora Jews live in constant fear of what are called, “two day yontifs.” During these two-day holiday periods, many Jews are unable to use electronic devices or cars due to religious restrictions. The odd part of this practice is that by the nature of signifying historic events, Jewish holidays should take place on a single day. So where the hell does the idea that, “if one day is good, two must be better” come from? The idea behind dreaded...

International Entrepreneur Elon Musk Announces Permanent Solution to Middle East Strife

International Entrepreneur Elon Musk Announces Permanent Solution to Middle East Strife

Business titan and inventor Elon Musk has applied his out-sized intellect to the millennia-long problems plaguing the Middle East, announcing through a spokesperson that he has a plan to eliminate “all strife in the Middle Eastern part of the world,” by Christmas. “Mr. Musk has been mulling this issue for some time now,” said one of his spokespeople.  “Mr. Musk is waaaay fucking smart, so listening to him is always profitable, except for that whole Tesla electric car thing. That sucked, but PayPal...

Iranian Leader: “Iran Needs Nuclear Weapons to Deter Ultron”

Iranian Leader: “Iran Needs Nuclear Weapons to Deter Ultron”

Disarray descended in Switzerland following Ayatollah Khamenei’s surprise speech in which he insisted on Iran’s need for nuclear weapons to fight “that nose-less killer robot, Ultron.” The tearful supreme leader explained that he’d previously been unaware of the danger posed by the “mechanical murderer.” “Last night I walked in on my grandsons watching television. At first I thought it was a bootlegged western movie, which would of course be haram. However they explained to me that it was the BBC.”...

Opening US airspace will lead to ‘rain of terrorists’

Opening US airspace will lead to ‘rain of terrorists’

US airline bosses are warning that an open skies agreement allowing non-US airlines to operate domestically within the US is the biggest terrorist threat since 9/11. “You let non-US airlines to operate here and that means that you have to let the Middle Eastern ones in,” cautioned, aviation analyst Michael J Preston. “That means it’s going to be literally raining terrorists. I’ve been at JFK when some of those flights come in and it’s easier to count the guys without...

War to become a giant, unending game of Ping-Pong, as Israel transfers Iron Dome technology to Hamas

War to become a giant, unending game of Ping-Pong, as Israel transfers Iron Dome technology to Hamas

A human being from the UN Human Rights Council has chastised Israel for not sharing its air defense system technology with Hamas. “Has war not always been the realm of fairness? Well, this is just unfair. What we witnessed last summer was the Israelis waging genocide against people that they force to live in tunnels. Though if we’re being honest, I’m not exactly sure what genocide really means. I’ll have to consult with Penelope Cruz on that.” Nevertheless, Israel has agreed, albeit reluctantly, to transfer a...

Netanyahu Offers Former Foreign Minister the Right to Deflower Virgin Brides to Join Coalition

Netanyahu Offers Former Foreign Minister the Right to Deflower Virgin Brides to Join Coalition

Despite his embarrassment at admitting he watched a late-night rebroadcast of Mel Gibson’s Braveheart, Prime Minister Netanyahu today described his plans to offer Avigdor Lieberman Jus Primae Noctis – a medieval lord’s right to deflower a bride on her wedding night – if the former foreign minister agrees to join Likud’s shaky 61 seat coalition. “Look it is not as if I am a fan of that anti-Semite Gibson,” Netanyahu explained, “but you have to agree the fucker knows how...

Obama Vows To Stand With, Awkwardly Sip Drink Next To, Israel At UN General Assembly

Obama Vows To Stand With, Awkwardly Sip Drink Next To, Israel At UN General Assembly

Despite increasingly strained relations between Israel and the United States, President Obama announced today that he would not abandon the Jewish State. Well, not entirely anyway. The President made clear that with the reelection of Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, with whom he lacks the bromance many want to see, he could not pal around with Israel like usual. “I’ll do my duty and I’ll hang out by Israel at the next UN Assembly, but I won’t promise that I’ll talk...

Potential Iran Deal Sends Terror Stocks Soaring

Potential Iran Deal Sends Terror Stocks Soaring

Leaks from Washington, Tehran, and Switzerland of an imminent nuclear deal roared through Wall Street today sending terror stocks soaring in afterhours trading. Reports indicate than any deal will include the release of over $100 billion in frozen Iranian funds. Noted hedge fund manager, Gree D. Bassard, seemed to speak for the mood. “$100 billion’s a lot of scratch. And what are the Iranians going to spend it on? Give you a hint – it won’t be booze or bacon.”...

Opinion: Thank God We’re Not Those Guys

Opinion: Thank God We’re Not Those Guys

Living in Israel, it’s easy to forget how good you have it. It’s only when real tragedies occur in other countries and dominate the media that you realize everything you’ve been taking for granted. I had this realization this week, as my Facebook newsfeed was littered with disaster stories from half way around the world. Families torn apart. Lives turned upside down. I’m referring, of course, to the earth shattering report that Tom Brady “more likely than not” knew that...

Pope Ruled ‘Not Catholic’; Rumored Plans to Convert to Islam

Pope Ruled ‘Not Catholic’; Rumored Plans to Convert to Islam

In what can only be viewed as an unbelievable story, it has been revealed that the Pope is actually not Catholic and he may be planning on converting to Islam. Following his recent meeting with Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas, world leaders began to suspect something was ‘a bit off’ about Pope Francis when he pronounced Abbas an ‘an angel of peace’. He later bent down to kiss Abbas’ feet, before going in for what seemed like an awkward five-minute bromance...

Urban Outfitters Unveils New “I watched the Nazis murder my family, and all I got was this crummy T-shirt” Design

Urban Outfitters Unveils New “I watched the Nazis murder my family, and all I got was this crummy T-shirt” Design

Following a string of questionable, Holocaust-based designs, Urban Outfitters released a new shirt not long ago that created yet more uproar. Previously controversial designs include patterns that closely mimic Nazi concentration camp prisoner uniforms, including stripes and a yellow star and stripes with a pink triangle. The Israeli Daily spoke with a spokesperson from Urban Outfitters to get some answers about the patterns, as well as the new design. The Israeli Daily (TID): What do you say to critics who say you’re...