Archives
French Far Rightist: Jews Control Half the World, Muslims the Other
PARIS – Jean-Marie Le Pen, the founder of France’s far-right National Front party, has accused Jews and Muslims of “global co-domination.” At a rally in Paris yesterday, the convicted Holocaust denier said: “Jews control the U.S. Congress, the German government and the global media, banking and pornography industries, while Muslims control the UN, the White House, [French President] Hollande and...
Feeling Outdone by ISIS, Hamas Establishes ‘Harvard of Jihadi Horror’
Vowing to “double down on our undying bloodlust,” Gaza’s prime minister opened the College of Innovative Infidel Killing & Eradication (CIKE) yesterday, cutting the black-and-green striped ribbon before executing 26 “perfidious Zionist spies” in celebration. “We are especially proud of our trailblazing degrees like the Bachelor of Jew Slaughter and Master of Homocide – the first of their kind in...
ISIS Leader Kills, Once Again, at 2nd Annual Caliphate Correspondents Dinner
For the second year in a row, ISIS leader Abu-Bakr Baghdadi took aim, figuratively, at his rivals, his allies, and the media in the second annual Caliphate Correspondents Dinner, putting aside jihad for a night of jokes. “This is the one time a year I try not to bomb,” Baghdadi quipped, earning laughs from foreign leaders and media members in...
Experts Impressed After Trump Correctly Pronounces ‘Syria’ in Foreign Policy Speech
Republican Presidential Candidate Donald Trump surprised foreign policy experts this week, delivering a speech in which he not only refrained from promising to nuke any of America’s allies but correctly pronounced the names of several Middle Eastern nations, including Syria. “I had expected him to nail Libya and Egypt, since those are pretty easy to pronounce,” former Middle East negotiator...
Settlers’ Plan to Bring Back Nazi Germany Level Jew-Hatred is Going Very Well
“God, remember how it used to be?”, reminisces West Bank settler, Yuval Goldblatt. “Jews were just flat out hated. To be Jewish was to be in an exclusive club that nobody wanted to join or be in – but now? Everyone wants to be Jewish or has a Jewish friend. I think it’s about time we went back to the...
Study Finds Link Between Islamophobia, Sensitivity Level of Muslims
The world is still abuzz following the announcement of findings from a team of Oxford University researchers on the topic of Islamophobia. Like the word “consent” in a frat house, “Islamophobia” is a somewhat vague term that is applied to all kinds of situations, sometimes inappropriately. According to the researchers, levels of Islamophobia are strongly correlated with how sensitive Muslims...
IDF Admits to Enlisting at Least One Dick
“Every organization of any kind usually has more than one,” said IDF commander Daniel Shimshon earlier today, speaking about dicks. “Now, we definitely know that we have at least one.” These comments came on the heel of an event that, much like a high schooler’s poetry about the pain of being dumped after just six months (please come back, Stephanie!), was...
“Must Respect Others’ Opinions,” Says Turkish President After Arresting Journalist for Tweets
Ebru Umar, a Dutch columnist and outspoken critic of Turkish President Tayyip Erdogan, was arrested in the city of Kusadasi while on holiday. It is widely assumed (or fucking right on the mark) actions were taken against her by authorities because of a number of insulting tweets towards the Turkish leader. “Ms. Umar needs to understand that she can’t just...
Eyeing Pennsylvania’s Syrian Voters, Clinton Recalls “Fleeing Chicago Sniper Fire as Child Refugee”
ALLENTOWN, PA – At a rally in America’s ‘Little Syria,’ Hillary Clinton once again reaffirmed her reputation for saying or doing absolutely anything to get elected. “I’ll never forget that harrowing day when we fled violence-plagued Chicago for the safety of the suburbs,” a teary-eyed Democratic U.S. Presidential frontrunner told the crowd ahead of the Keystone State’s Tuesday primary. “And the...
ISIS Disbands After Obama Finally Says ‘Radical Islamic Terrorism’
The Islamic State terrorist group was sent fleeing Sunday when, after seven years of refusing to do so, President Barack Obama used the words “radical Islamic terrorism.” Speaking from the East Room in the White House, President Obama gave the shortest address of his time in office – after finally uttering the three-word phrase, Obama left the podium. His address...
EU Calls for Labelling Bernie Sanders as Jewish
In a move that has outraged Jewish groups throughout the United States, the European Union has called for Democratic Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders to be clearly labelled as “Jewish.” “We feel that many voters are unaware of Bernie’s true identity,” one high-ranking EU official said yesterday in a statement. “Senator Sanders will have to wear a mark of some sort to...
Ted Cruz Promises to Put Netanyahu’s Wife on the United States Twenty-Dollar Bill
In a move aimed at positioning himself as the election’s most stridently pro-Israel candidate, Texas Senator Ted Cruz promised to scrap plans to put anti-slavery activist Harriet Tubman on the $20 bill and to instead place Israeli First Lady Sara Netanyahu on the currency. RELATED: Ted Cruz: “Barack Obama Doesn’t Want to Kill Civilians. I Do” “If we must put a...
Region Celebrates Local Community’s Passover Dinner Solution to Arab-Israeli Conflict
Cheers and Nobel Peace Prize nominations reigned as Miami congregation Beit Chazarai’s community Seder attendees unveiled their proposal to end the Middle East conflict. Leaders from Kissinger to King Abdullah of Jordan praised the participants out of the box approach. “I am awe struck at their genius,” perennial peace negotiator Shimon Peres told TMB. “Stationing troops in the Jordan Valley...
Yidlife Crisis: Coming Out of Bondage
With Passover coming, Chaimie and Leizer talk about sex, more sex, bondage, religion and freedom. Producers Jamie Elman Eli Batalion Read their bios...
Clueless Kasich Asks Jewish Students “If Christian or Muslim Blood Tastes Better in Matzah”
The Jewish outreach efforts of GOP Presidential hopeful John Kasich ended in a hail of menacing matzah balls after he invoked an infamous anti-Semitic falsehood during a recent campaign stop in Brooklyn. Ahead of Passover and the Republican New York primary, Kasich met with Orthodox Jews at a Borough Park yeshivah in an attempt to win their votes – and perhaps sway...
Ski Mask Salesman Devastated To Learn Terror Groups Don’t Ski
“For skiing!” That’s the answer ski mask salesman Steve Roberts gave to the question of how he thought Hamas officials were using his product. The man appears distraught at the thought that anyone would use ski masks for anything else. “They’re my life, and I just can’t bear to think about how these people are using the masks I’ve been...
In Rare Act of Solidarity, Egypt, Jordan, and Israel Agree ‘Exodus’ Is an Awful Movie
With the Jewish Holiday of Passover beginning on Friday, the state of Israel announced yesterday that it would join ranks with Jordan and Egypt and agree that Ridley Scott’s epic ‘Exodus’ is just an awful movie. In a joint press conference, leaders from Egypt, Israel, and Jordan announced that they would stand together in condemnation of ‘Exodus’. “All three countries take...
U.S. Jews Torn between Adding Trump Fans or Bernie Bros as 11th Plague at Passover Dinner
Ahead of Passover, many Jewish Americans are debating which extra plague to include in the Seder night recitation of the Ten Plagues of Egypt. “Trump fans and Bernie Bros are as idiotic and dangerous as each other,” said Ira Abrahmovitz, who is weighing which group to add to the list of biblical plagues that Jews read out alone during Seder. “Whether...
Trump: “Obama is Too Politically Correct to Kill Terrorists’ Families”
Citing President Obama’s adherence to international law when it comes to killing civilians, Donald Trump told the media that the president is overly controlled by “political correctness,” and that a President Trump would kill all families of suspected terrorists, presumably including the children. “International law?” Trump spat in response to a reporter’s question about the Geneva Conventions. “Do you think these...
World Celebrates 71st Anniversary of Victory over Nazis by Ignoring Rise of Anti-Semitism
With very few people still alive that remember the elation of finally defeating Hitler and his misleading concentration camp entry signs, many feel that it has become especially important for the international community to keep the event alive for future generations. A lot of ideas were kicked around at the United Nations, including the annual destruction of Hitler piñatas and...