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Hamas Destroys Gaza Tunnels after Exposing Underground Arab-on-Jew Butt-Butt Parties
Gaza’s prime minister announced today that six attack tunnels leading into Israel had been demolished, claiming they were “dens of homo-Zionist depravity.” Speaking on Al Aqsa TV, Prime Minister Ismail Haniyeh alleged that hundreds of Gazan and Israeli men had been meeting regularly in the tunnels to engage “in acts of bestial proportions,” and that even though the destroyed tunnels degraded...
PayPal to Relocate North Carolina Jobs to Iran in Protest of ‘Bathroom Laws’
A week after announcing it would cancel plans to expand its operation into North Carolina due to the passage of its controversial “bathroom laws,” the online payment company PayPal will instead be opening offices in the Islamic Republic of Iran, the company announced Thursday. “As corporate citizens, we will not stand by and tolerate injustice or discrimination, especially against the...
Trump: “Together We’ll Make America Brown-less Again”
Speaking at a rally in upstate New York earlier today, Trump said that, unlike “our current ‘all-talk-no-action’ leaders,” his draconian policy was the only way to “once and for all eradicate this fifth column lurking in our midst.” Appropriating an Islamic legal term made infamous in the West when Iran called for the murder of novelist Salman Rushdie, the Republican...
Iran Ranked 2nd in 2015 Executions; “We Have Higher Expectations for next Year”, Says Rouhani
Amnesty international recently reported that there was a 50% increase in executions during 2015, with over 1,600 officially counted. China had the highest number, with Iran, Pakistan, Saudi Arabia and the US rounding out that top 5. Although not disappointed by a second place showing, Iran promises to come back in 2016 aiming for gold. “Listen, I won’t sit here...
Despite Employing Only One Arab Editor, ‘Liberal’ Israeli Newspaper Owner Slams Workplace Inequality
TEL AVIV – Amos Schocken, publisher of left-leaning Israeli daily Haaretz, has come under fire from a well-known Arab Knesset member after he published a scathing opinion article denouncing “the atrocious underrepresentation of Arab Israelis in the professions.” Reacting to a report by rights group Adalah, Schocken wrote: “Despite Arabs comprising over 20% of Israel’s population, they constitute just 1.2% of tenured academics, and a paltry 0.7% of doctors in public hospitals. This...
ISIS Aborts Terror Attack in North Carolina, Citing “Barbaric” Bathroom Laws
Urging the state’s residents to “reject bigotry and discrimination” and step into the 21st century, the Islamist terrorist group ISIS announced today that it had canceled an upcoming terrorist attack in North Carolina in response to a recently-passed law restricting transgender individuals from using the bathroom of their preferred gender identity. “HB2, commonly known as the bathroom bill, perpetuates discrimination and violates...
Hamas Endorses Sanders for President, Calls Him “Jew We Can Believe In”
Less than a week after erroneously claiming that Israel killed “over 10,000 innocents” in the 2014 Gaza War, Democratic U.S. Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders has earned the endorsement of the Islamist group Hamas. “Sanders is just our kind of Jew,” said Hamas spokesman Sami Abu Zuhri on Al Aqsa TV yesterday. “Whereas Hillary Clinton is a Zionist c**t from hell, Sanders...
Iran to Give up Nuclear Program if Israel Helps it Track Down Gays
In response to the historic decision by the United States Supreme Court to legalize same-sex marriages, the Islamic Republic of Iran has allegedly reached out to Israel for advice on how to locate ‘undesirables’. “Ever since America made gay marriage legal, our perverts have been demanding better treatment. Since we don’t officially acknowledge the existence of homosexuals in our country,...
Sanders Vows to Break Up ‘Too Big to Fail’ Countries
Citing the collapse of Syria and Iraq, Democratic Senator and presidential candidate Bernie Sanders vowed to break up the “too big to fail” countries if elected president. “Look, we see in the Middle East that when these big countries fail, it’s the rest of the global system that is forced to bail them out,” Sanders said in a meeting with...
Yale, Missouri Students Demand U.S. Military Establish ‘Safe Spaces’ on Campus
Echoing calls for “Safe Zones” in Syria to protect civilians from ISIS, students at several American universities have called on the U.S. military to help establish “Safe Spaces” on campus to protect the students from “terrorist attacks on [their] feelings.” “Everyone is talking about the suffering of the Syrians and asking what we can do to help them, but no...
Israeli PM on Settlements: “It’s the Best Strategy in ‘Settlers of Catan’, so Why Not Here?”
A transcript released by the New York Daily News revealed a more in depth view of Democratic Party candidate Bernie Sanders’ position on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. He was critical of the Israeli policy on settlement construction and expanded on his belief that Israel should halt construction and ultimately withdraw from the West Bank. When Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu was...
Obama Promises to Cut Down On Use of the Word “Folks”
Following a crushing moment of introspection about his own speech style, President Obama has promised to cut back on the word “folks” during his final year in office. In a statement to The Mideast Beast he said, “I’m not from the south. I lived in Hawaii and I went to school on the East Coast. I don’t know exactly when I...
State Department Upset Over Excessive ‘Euphemism Policy’
U.S. State Department officials are feeling the heat over a new policy to increase the use of euphemisms. “I’m tapped out,” said White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest. “I can’t keep trying to come up with new ways to refer to Jews, Muslims, Christians, and those crazies who actually pay for porn on the Internet.” In addition to the current...
Terrified Panel of Migrant Workers Confess “Everything is Just Fine!” in Qatar
Doha – A panel of migrant workers went on the record Friday claiming that “everything is just fine!!” in Qatar. The video was released on the Qatari government’s English-version website. The news is a relief to Human Rights agencies all over the world, who said that the panicked and shaking panel of Nepalese, Yemeni, and Ethiopian migrants instilled in them...
Unsatisfied with Control of U.S. Legislature, AIPAC Announces Nominees for Supreme Court
Washington D.C. – Citing a “lack of pro-Israel sentiment” as the reason for the delay in Barak Obama’s supreme court nomination process, AIPAC announced their own nominee for the position. In a statement released Monday, AIPAC announced, “the reason why the Senate is refusing to consider Merrick Garland? You guessed it – it’s us! He simply isn’t pro-Israel enough, so...
U.N. Renews Commitment to Perpetuate “Limbo-like State” of the Palestinians
Today the United Nations announced that the international community will not sit idly by while the fate of the Palestinians is decided, one way or the other. “We’ve kept significant progress being made for 68 years now, and we now know that the world is in agreement that this will not change,” stated Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon. The Arab League...
Israeli Army and Hamas Clash Over “Batman V Superman”
A fresh round of fighting has broken out along parts of the Israel-Gaza border following screenings of Batman V Superman in Tel Aviv and Gaza City. Colonel Daniel Shitzberg of the Secret Special Film Reviewing Unit of the Israel Defense Force (IDF) commented to The Mideast Beast; “All I did was post a review on our Facebook page stating that there...
Mideast Peace in Sight as UN Human Rights Council Votes to Blacklist Companies in Settlements
The UNHRC maintained its perfect record of implementing resolutions against Israel by voting to form a blacklist of companies operating in Israeli settlements at its most recent session. “We can finally breathe a sigh of relief, we thought this historic moment would never come” said Saudi Arabian head of UNHRC Faisal Bin Hassan Trad. “The horrible human rights violations committed...
Apple Dispute Finally Resolved, As San Bernardino Terrorist’s Password Turns Out to be ‘1, 2, 3, 4’
A legal showdown between the U.S. government and Apple over the FBI’s demand that the company unlock the iPhone of the San Bernardino terrorist has been solved after FBI investigators discovered the shooter’s password was “1, 2, 3, 4.” The government had demanded that Apple provide investigators with access to data in the shooter’s phone that they believe may reveal new...
God Can’t Find Paperclip to Push his Middle East “Reset Button”
God revealed in an interview on Monday that he has so far been unable to find a paperclip small enough to push his “Middle East Reset Button.” “Honestly, I’ve looked in every drawer I have. I can’t find a single fuckin’ paperclip anywhere. “I swear I had a few right here,” the omnipotent Lord continued, sifting through piles of world...