Feeling Outdone by ISIS, Hamas Establishes ‘Harvard of Jihadi Horror’

© Andrea Basile | Dreamstime.com

Vowing to “double down on our undying bloodlust,” Gaza’s prime minister opened the College of Innovative Infidel Killing & Eradication (CIKE) yesterday, cutting the black-and-green striped ribbon before executing 26 “perfidious Zionist spies” in celebration. “We are especially proud of our trailblazing degrees like the Bachelor of Jew Slaughter and Master of Homocide – the first of their kind in the world,” Hamas’s Ismail Haniyeh gloated to cries of delirious delight at the jihadi-studded inauguration.

CIKE’s campus in the southern Gaza Strip – built underground to avoid Israeli air strikes – boasts state-of-the-art facilities financed by Qatar and stolen UN re-construction funds. In addition to bolstering its standing in the global jihadi community (“it’s high time we put ISIS and Al-Qaeda in their place,” Haniyeh declared), Hamas is hoping to expand its tunneling and rocket-making efforts by capitalizing on the skyrocketing demand among Western jihadists for quality infidel elimination education.

Dubbed the ‘Harvard of Jihadi Horror’ by FOX News and the ‘Cambridge of Islamist Carnage’ by The Economist, CIKE will initially offer six 3-year undergraduate and five 2-year master’s degrees, as well as a range of diplomas, certificates and online programs. Below is a translated summary of selected CIKE degrees, including a sampling of the 100-plus courses on offer in the upcoming academic year:

Bachelor of Jew Slaughter (B.JS)
Prerequisite: Inborn or acquired genocidal anti-Semitism
Selected courses:

  • Jew Slaughter 101: Bus Bombings, Passover Massacres & Other Sublime Suicide Tactics
  • Engineering Martyrdom: The Explosive Heroics of Yahya Ayyash
  • Comparative Jew Slaughter Literature  – Mein Kampf versus the Hamas Charter
  • Off with Their Hook Noses: Pioneering Methods of Jew Torture
  • Nazi Genius: How to Dehumanize Jews & Kill Millions of Them (N.B. This course offering does not nullify Hamas’s official position that the Holocaust is a Zionist fabrication designed to deny the Palestinian nation its natural rights)


Bachelor of Beheading (B.Bh)
Prerequisites: Psychopathic blood thirst and/or childhood infatuation with knives
Selected courses:

  • Decapitation in Historical Perspective: From Mighty Mohammed to the Gracious Guillotine
  • Outsmarting Brain Ischemia: Turning Quick & Painless Beheadings into Slow & Excruciating Ones
  • From Crusader Pearl to Assad’s Army of Infidels: Case Studies in Contemporary Islamic Beheading
  • Going Viral: How to Produce a Fundamentally Sick n’ Slick Beheading Clip (*includes internship at Hamaswood film studios)

Master of Homocide (M.Ho)
Prerequisites: Virulent homophobia and sadism; bachelor’s degree in plain old homicide or first-hand experience in gay bashing, torture and/or summary execution
Selected courses:


Master of Sexual Slavery (M.SS)
Prerequisites: Pedophiliac impulses, innate misogyny and/or total lack of conscience; related bachelor’s degree or real-world perpetration of rape and torture
Selected courses:

 

A note from the writer: The downplaying of Hamas’s pathological disregard for human life and liberty must be fought with every tool at our disposable – including satire.