Caliphate in Chaos as ISIS Bans Female Genital Mutilation

Caliphate in Chaos as ISIS Bans Female Genital Mutilation

With the influx and influence of western female recruits pouring into ISIS held territory across a wide swath of Iraq and Syria to fight infidels and get laid, a radical fusion of thought and practice is challenging the Islamic State terror group’s views regarding the practice of Female Genital Mutilation also known as Female Circumcision. “Removal of the magic button deprives a woman of sexual pleasure, but it also deprives a man of better sexual pleasure.” RELATED: ISIS Set to Announce...

Israel to construct Water Salinization Plant for Gaza Residents

Israel to construct Water Salinization Plant for Gaza Residents

The Israeli government will begin construction on a “water salinization plant” in Gaza next year in order to “aid Palestinians, who we definitely aid. Like a lot.” The plant will take what remains of Gaza’s clean sources of groundwater and add salt in order to make the water undrinkable. According to water engineers, the plant will use a revolutionary technology known as “shoveling,” where mounds of salt are shoveled into pipes filled with water. RELATED: Tel Aviv City Council and Hamas...

Palestinian Leader Appoints Arnold Schwarzenegger to Pump Up Sagging Popularity

Palestinian Leader Appoints Arnold Schwarzenegger to Pump Up Sagging Popularity

Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas surprised his cabinet in Ramallah this morning by introducing action star Arnold Schwarzenegger as the government’s first Minister of Comebacks. “Brothers, the world is sick of the peace process. Our message is about as comprehensible as the new Björk album. Now, I can’t think of anyone, not even Sly Stallone, who’s gotten more mileage out of not speaking clearly than my dear friend Arnold,” Abbas gushed. RELATED: Israeli Leaders Debate Pettiest Way to Respond to Palestinian...

Israel Volunteers to Mediate Germany-Greece Negotiations

Israel Volunteers to Mediate Germany-Greece Negotiations

As German and Greek politicians were in a last ditch effort to grevent the Greeks for grexiting the European greekommunitiny, the mood in both capitals was resentful and antagonistic. However, there’s cause for cautious optimism as Israel, a veteran of mediated negotiations, has volunteered to step in. “We are very thankful for the long history of European moderation in our negotiations with the Palestinians,” said Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. “We truly believe that those negotiations work as evidenced by our long and lasting...

Breaking: Trump Picks Netanyahu as Running Mate for 2016

Breaking: Trump Picks Netanyahu as Running Mate for 2016

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin ‘Bibi’ Netanyahu as his 2016 Vice Presidential running mate prior to Republican Party delegates choosing nominees. The Israeli Daily got wind of this dramatic political development after Trump’s limo driver leaked the information while fooling around with Israeli tourists outside of Trump Tower in Manhattan. Sources close to the Prime Minister revealed he was given the unexpected nod through third party ‘back-channel negotiators’. He remarked to inner, inner-circle staff member, Sarah Netanyahu, “What chutzpah! Choosing a running...

Hamas Apologizes for Tunneling to Mexican Drug Lord’s Prison Cell

Hamas Apologizes for Tunneling to Mexican Drug Lord’s Prison Cell

MEXICO CITY, Mexico – Mexican authorities at the Altiplano maximum security prison were embarrassed on Sunday when their most notorious inmate, drug kingpin Joaqin “El Chapo” Guzman, escaped his cell through a tunnel dug beneath it. The prison guards were bewildered when from the tunnel emerged Khafir Babori, recently of Gaza City, and said: “Wait, this can’t be Tel Aviv, I don’t see a single gay person! Fucking Google Maps!” Khafir told the investigators that he was originally planning to...

Dangerous Destinations and Activist Tours: Hottest Trends in Travel

Dangerous Destinations and Activist Tours: Hottest Trends in Travel

Extreme sports are so last decade. The phrase ‘so last decade’ is so 2013. And forget drinking, drugging and binge watching. That’s so last weekend. According to research findings at Instant Gratification Institute in Tel Aviv, thrill seekers are abandoning so-called traditional dangerous adventures of shark cage diving in Cape Town, running of the bulls in Pamplona and bare-back riding in Bangkok. “Travelers are opting for adventures with meaning, as well as life and death experiences. The activist and daredevil categories...

X Factor cures homesickness, says ISIS

X Factor cures homesickness, says ISIS

The flow of young female jihadists from Europe is causing a challenge for ISIS’ chief morale officer Muhammad bin Youssef as his team tries to combat homesickness. Speaking exclusively to The Israeli Daily bin Youssef said that the organization was failing to live up to the expectations of these recruits and was identifying ways in which it could make the girls feel more at home. “Obviously we need to keep these girls happy,” he stated, “some of the lads are...

Disney Flotilla to Set Sail for Gaza

Disney Flotilla to Set Sail for Gaza

In efforts to put a friendlier face on attempts to break Israel’s naval blockade of the Gaza Strip, Hamas leader in Gaza, Ismail Haniyeh, has revealed that Hamas is currently in negotiations with Disney Cruise Lines to be a corporate sponsor of the next Gaza flotilla. Speaking to The Israeli Daily using voice distortion technology, the senior Hamas leader said, “This next phase of lifting the siege will generate positive international support, create good PR spin, and generate a new source...

‘Soup Nazi’ Replaces John Kerry in Iran Deal

‘Soup Nazi’ Replaces John Kerry in Iran Deal

United States President Barack Obama has replaced Secretary of State John Kerry the lead US negotiator in the Iran talks with the Soup Nazi of Seinfeld fame. Speaking to The Israeli Daily aboard Air Force One en route to a golf outing in Florida, President Obama said John Kerry has done an outstanding job as Team America negotiator, but expressed his frustration that no final deal had been brokered. “John’s shuttle diplomacy has racked up hundreds of thousand of Sky...

Report: Syrian Government Quits Social Media

Report: Syrian Government Quits Social Media

Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has cancelled Syria’s membership on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, and all other social media networking sites. “We’re dead, baby. Our funeral will be bigger than Princess Diana’s. We’ve booked Elton John and George Michael who will be duetting, ‘Don’t Let The Sun Go Down on Me’,” the Syrian strongman tweeted before deleting his country’s official Twitter account. “Those two may be gayer than the day is long, but the duetted song is just so befitting.” In his...

Matzah Ball Soup Finally Wins FDA Approval

Matzah Ball Soup Finally Wins FDA Approval

Following a prolonged legal battle, the FDA has finally categorized matzah ball soup as a certified cure for several common ailments. The traditional meal, often referred to as “Jewish penicillin,” has been used to treat colds for well over a thousand years, according to numerous Jewish grandmothers. For decades, the FDA has categorized the delicacy as a homeopathic cure, and therefore official approval was withheld. Until recently, that is. RELATED: Israel to Employ Jewish Grandmothers to Force-Feed Palestinian Prisoners on Hunger...

Confused Swedish Family Mistakenly Towed to Port in Israel

Confused Swedish Family Mistakenly Towed to Port in Israel

A group of Swedish holidaymakers have ended up being towed to the port of Ashdod in southern Israel after a series of unfortunate circumstances. Having set sail on a private yacht this week, the Bergeson family from Stockholm was excited for their trip. Unfortunately, the group of yachts they chose to follow out of Gothenburg port was part of last week’s newest flotilla to Gaza. Speaking to The Israeli Daily from the Ashdod port, Ingrid Bergeson, sounding rather terrifying, shouted: “This...

Roger Waters – The Porcine Roots of Anti-Semitism

Roger Waters – The Porcine Roots of Anti-Semitism

New information has surfaced recently, shedding light on what was previously believed to be straightforward anti-Semitism espoused by famed singer and songwriter Roger Waters of Pink Floyd. Waters, who denies all accusations of being an anti-Semite, has repeatedly said that all such accusations are merely “a Judeo-Zionist plot by long-nosed old men to conquer the world and get hold of my money, so typical of those grubby Jews”. In a statement published ahead of his upcoming album, “Another Brick in...

Israeli Air Force Destroys Egyptian Air Force in Attempt to Relive Glory Days

Israeli Air Force Destroys Egyptian Air Force in Attempt to Relive Glory Days

In a kind of mid-life crisis moment, the most powerful air force in the Middle East destroyed its counterpart in neighboring Egypt earlier today. The reason for the aggression was unknown until an interview with an IAF leader. “God, do you remember the Six Day War? That was a real battle!” Commander Ron Shemesh of the IAF told The Israeli Daily,” There was none of this firing rockets at terrorists hiding in homes, like today’s wars.” Apparently, the IAF has...

George Clooney Files for Divorce, Flies Off to Join Kurdish Resistance Movement in Syria

George Clooney Files for Divorce, Flies Off to Join Kurdish Resistance Movement in Syria

George Clooney has parted from leggy, Lebanese-born human rights attorney Amal Alamuddin, and joined the ragtag band of Kurdish fighters resisting ISIS on the Turkish-Syrian border. “I thought Amal would use her connections to help me become President of the United States. Instead, that clingy bitch did nothing but nag me about poker nights with Matt Damon and Don Cheadle,” Cloontang confided to an attractive female member of the Kurdish militia inside a pup tent, somewhere near the town of...

Cofix to Offer Five Shekel ‘Old Fashioned’

Cofix to Offer Five Shekel ‘Old Fashioned’

After the excitement following the announcement by Cofix that the startup company will open five Shekel grocery stores, Coffix has promised the opening of a five shekel ‘Old Fashioned’ chain. The chain, to be called Cofucks, will begin with a pilot store in Tel Aviv, expand into Jerusalem, cause a series of ultra-orthodox Jewish riots, and end up exclusively in Tel Aviv. Cofucks will offer a limited menu, with the Old Fashioned – better known today as the ‘hand job’ or even ‘The...

Clinton to Donor: In Next War, I’ll Let Israel Kill 200,000, Not Just 2,000, Gazans

Clinton to Donor: In Next War, I’ll Let Israel Kill 200,000, Not Just 2,000, Gazans

Democratic presidential front-runner Hillary Clinton has penned a controversial letter to a major Jewish donor vowing to offer Israel “total” support in its next war with the Gaza Strip’s Islamist rulers. The leaked letter, sent last week to an Israeli-American media mogul, promises to allow Israel carte blanche in any future war with Hamas, including a presidential green light to kill nearly 10% of the enclave’s population. “Quite frankly, Israel didn’t teach Hamas a harsh enough lesson last year,” reads the...

Mars-Bound Young Israelis Leave Their Earthly Troubles Behind

Mars-Bound Young Israelis Leave Their Earthly Troubles Behind

Would you be happy departing our blue-green home planet for the cold, inhospitable wastelands of Mars? Would you leave everything behind with no prospects of ever returning home? For most of us this doesn’t sound like an appetizing proposition, but many young Israelis are preparing to do just that and are packing their bags for the red planet. The Israeli Daily’s correspondent on the affairs of millennials and other extra-terrestrials investigated why. “It was mostly a financial decision for us,” said...

Iranian Supreme Leader Condemns Obama for Rising World Jewish Population

Iranian Supreme Leader Condemns Obama for Rising World Jewish Population

Ayatollah Ali Khamenei lashed out at President Barack Obama in response to a new survey estimating that the global Jewish population has grown to near pre-Holocaust levels. “You say you want to trust us, but how can we trust you if Zionists have been breeding like rabbits under your watch? I was going to retire to the south of France as soon as we went nuclear. With this news of a growing worldwide Jewish infestation, everything’s been thrown off schedule. I...