Archives
Ozzy Osborne Seeks Cure for Sex Addiction in Saudi Arabia
Hard rock legend Ozzy Osborne is relocating to the kingdom of Saudi Arabia in a desperate search for a remedy to his addiction to sex. “Problem is, I have 24/7 access to every flavor of poontang you can imagine. I even hooked up with a chick I met at a polling station during the Brexit vote. That’s when it hit...
Iran Enlists the Help of 50 Cent and Diddy to Spend $400 million
The Iranian government, having recently received a $400 million payment from the American government which was definitely not a ransom payment, has enlisted rappers 50 Cent and Diddy for advice on the best way to spend the money. “Since the money was already in cash and in relatively small denominations, they suggested that we ‘hit up the strip club’ and...
Trump Campaign Warily Monitors Athletic Ability of Mexican and Syrian Olympic Athletes
RIO DE JANEIRO, BRAZIL – While the rest of the world revels in the spectacle of the Olympic games, and quakes in fear of the Zika virus coming home with their athletes, one group is engrossed in the competition for an entirely different reason. “I’m so glad I planned it this way,” Donald Trump told his staff this week, “I’m such a genius for scheduling the...
Donald Trump Accuses Refugee Olympic Team of Stealing his Spotlight
Donald Trump condemned the Olympic Refugee Team today as “low-energy cheaters who are in cahoots with lyin’ crooked Hillary Clinton to knock me off the front page.” Following refugee swimmer Yusra Mardini’s 41st place finish in the 100m butterfly preliminary rounds on Saturday, Trump posted on Facebook: “How can someone who came in dead last get so much coverage? New...
Harry Potter and the Cursed Child Dethrones Mein Kampf as Best Selling Book in Iran
TEHRAN — Within 12 hours of release, Harry Potter and the Cursed Child topped every single best seller list in the world, including that of the Islamic Republic of Iran. “The Iranian people are apeshit for Harry. After we edited out all imperialistic, pornographic, Zionistic, homosexual, anti-Islamic and anti-revolutionary references, we knew we had a monster hit on our hands –...
Lebanese and Israeli Game of Hide-and-Seek Misinterpreted at Olympics
The Lebanese national team has been reprimanded by the International Olympic Committee for refusing to ride a bus with the Israeli delegation. Israeli sailing coach, Udi Gal, was infuriated by the incident, calling out the IOC on Facebook by using all the sad emoji’s he could think of and making full use of the new ‘dislike’ feature. Head of the...
Terror Group Al-Nusra Splits from Al Qaeda, Says “It’s Not You, It’s Me”
Jabhat Al-Nusra recently announced it will be breaking apart from Al Qaeda in an attempt to appeal to a wider audience in Syria. “We wanted to become more sexy and modern. Al Qaeda just wasn’t giving off that vibe.” Said Mostafa Mahamed, one of the group’s leaders. The organization has also changed its name to Jabhat Fateh Al-Sham (the Front...
Charity Insists Diverted Donations to Hamas Only Used for Subways and Aerospace Program
Following a Mossad revelation that an employee of international aid group World Vision diverted millions of donated dollars to Hamas, the charity has admitted that while true, the money was only used by Hamas for infrastructure and scientific research programs. A spokesman for the organization cited dozens of Hamas tunnels in the Gaza strip as “clear evidence” that Hamas was using funds...
Amar’e Stoudemire Distraught to Learn Non-Jews Play in Israeli Basketball League
JERUSALEM — A week after signing with Hapoel Jerusalem of the Israeli Premier League, former NBA star Amar’e Stoudemire was reportedly devastated to learn that he would still have to compete against non-Jews from around the world who, like him, came to Israel to play basketball. “When my agent told me I had an offer from a team in Israel,...
ISIS Executioner Accused of Doping After Chopping Infidel in Half with One Swing
AL-HAWIJA, IRAQ — Shockwaves are reverberating through ISIS leadership today, and this time, they aren’t from drone strikes. According to sources, top ISIS executioner and Jihadi John successor, Radicalized Randy, has been accused of using performance-enhancing drugs. Randy is the latest in a string of public figures accused of doping, joining the company of most Russian Olympic athletes, who ostensibly...
ISIS “Can’t Be Bothered” with Olympics Attack, Will Host Own Games
RAQQA, SYRIA — With the Rio Olympics opening ceremony rapidly approaching, terrorism experts around the world are expressing concern over the possibility of a biological or chemical weapons attack by ISIS. However, official ISIS spokesbeard Abu Muhammad Al-Adnani al-Shami was surprised when questioned by The Mideast Beast about any potential terrorist action in Brazil: “We can’t be bothered with attacking...
Toughening Stance on Iran, Obama to Charge ATM Fee for Transferred Millions
WASHINGTON D.C. — In a move aimed at silencing critics over his $400 million cash transfer to Iran in what many considered a ransom payment for four imprisoned Americans, President Obama announced Friday that he would insist Iran pay hefty ATM fees for the monetary transfer. “Now, I’m not talking about the fee you pay when you go to the...
Tunisia Booted from Middle East Following Successful Transition to Democracy
TUNIS — With fellow Middle Eastern leaders calling the North African country an “embarrassment to the region’s proud authoritarian tradition,” the League of Arab Nations has voted to officially boot the Republic of Tunisia from the Middle East following the country’s successful transition to democracy. “We are saddened and frustrated that our former friends in Tunisia have forced us to...
Trump Promises to Raise Captain Humayan Khan from the Dead, Deport him Immediately After
Doubling down on his strategy to attack Khizr and Ghazala Khan, the Gold Star parents of deceased Captain Humayan Khan, Trump continued his ‘say the stupidest thing possible and still get elected’ campaign by claiming that had he been president 12 years ago Khizr Khan’s son would still be alive. He also stated that if elected president, he is the...
ISIS Threatens U.S. with Game of Thrones Spoilers
In a terrifying new strategy aimed at escalating its war against the West, ISIS announced that it will inundate Americans with Game of Thrones spoilers next season unless the U.S. withdraws completely from the Middle East. “All the infidel drones and war planes in the world cannot change the fact that the Caliphate is seven hours ahead of the East...
Trump on Slain U.S. Muslim Soldier’s Mom: ‘With A Face Like Hers, He’s Better Off Dead!’
NEW YORK – The war of words between Donald J. Trump and the parents of a fallen U.S. soldier significantly escalated last night after the GOP presidential nominee repeatedly insulted the appearance of Army Captain Humayun Khan’s bereaved mother. After reiterating his previous attacks on Ghazala Khan and her husband, Khizr, Trump told Fox News’s Sean Hannity: “Imagine having a...
Hillary Clinton Denies Having a Jewish Heritage; Admits to “Slight Resemblance”
Former First Lady and Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton categorically denied being a member of the Chosen People of God over the weekend, saying, “I know I have the nose for it, and perhaps even the temperament, but I am in no way connected to those Jews.” Speaking at a ‘Friends of Saudi Arabia’ fundraiser, the former Secretary of State cited example...
In Bid to Win ISIS Vote, Trump Vows ‘Blood of the Infidels Will Run Like a River’
With polls showing Hillary Clinton with a sizable lead following the Democratic convention, Republican presidential candidate and former Carrot Top impersonator Donald Trump has announced that his campaign will now target disillusioned “ISIS-American” voters this fall. “Now crooked Hillary may be too politically correct to say, ‘There is no God but Allah, and Muhammed is his prophet,’ but, believe me,...
Trump Promises to Amend Declaration of Independence to Address ‘Radical Islamic Terrorism’
Promising an amendment to the document if elected, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump blasted America’s founding fathers for being “too politically correct” to use the words “radical Islamic terrorism” in the Declaration of Independence. “Hey, I haven’t actually had time to read the Declaration of Independence, but believe me, I was shocked when my advisors told me that there wasn’t one mention of...
Muslim Ban Needed to Protect Me from Meanies Like Khizr Khan, Trump Says
Saying he had been “deeply triggered” by Muslim American Khizr Khan’s critical speech at the Democratic National Convention, Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump reiterated his call for an immediate and complete ban on Muslims entering the country. “Listen, if we had put the Muslim ban in place a long time ago, we could have stopped Khizr Khan from ever giving...