Intent on Remaining Neutral, Turkey Bombs Both Ukrainian and Russian Forces

Intent on Remaining Neutral, Turkey Bombs Both Ukrainian and Russian Forces

Saying it is committed to remaining neutral in the conflict in Crimea, Turkey announced this weekend that it has begun bombing both Russian and Ukrainian targets. “The Crimea war is a dispute between the Russian and Ukrainian governments in which we have no stakes or claims, and we will not get involved,” said a spokesman for the Turkish government. “That is why for every bomb we drop on Russia, we will drop one the exact same size on the Ukraine.”...

Dozens of Women Accuse ISIS Leader of Respectful Treatment

Dozens of Women Accuse ISIS Leader of Respectful Treatment

The world’s most powerful Jihadist, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, is engulfed in a firestorm of controversy following accusations that he secretly treated females as nothing less than equals for decades. “He encouraged me to go to college, earn a degree and focus on my career. Today, Baghdadi’s idolized by angry young men around the Middle East based on his tough-guy reputation. Truth is, he folded the laundry, washed the dishes, cooked our meals and massaged my feet when we were together,”...

Report: Dad Touring Israel Starts Speaking with Terrible Fake Israeli Accent

Report: Dad Touring Israel Starts Speaking with Terrible Fake Israeli Accent

After the Stein family decided to embark on a three-week trip to Israel, things started off as an ostensibly normal vacation. However, according to Shlomi Stein (the youngest son), on about day four, it began to take a “horribly embarrassing” turn for the worse. At that point of the trip, the patriarch of the Stein clan, Avi, inexplicably adopted a god-awful Israeli accent when speaking in severely broken Hebrew to natives during a camel ride.  “I don’t think anyone with ears could...

With the World a Safer Place, Americans Settling Scores with Spouses, Coworkers

With the World a Safer Place, Americans Settling Scores with Spouses, Coworkers

Now that the deal between Iran and the West has alleviated fears of a nuclear apocalypse, the American public has largely tuned out news coming out of the Middle East to focus on domestic issues. “I became so obsessed with Iran’s nuclear program that I didn’t even notice when my wife gave birth to another man’s child. If there’s one thing I learned from the agreement with Iran, it’s the importance of establishing an intrusive monitoring system. My oversexed old...

Iran Trademarks Phrase “Nuclear Holocaust” For “Civilian Purposes”

Iran Trademarks Phrase “Nuclear Holocaust” For “Civilian Purposes”

In a shocking move on the heels of an historic nuclear treaty with the international community, the Iranian government has submitted an application for the trademark of the phrase “nuclear holocaust.” Predictably, the leaders of some small countries that have super-obvious combovers have come out in opposition to the application, claiming ownership over the phrase, “nuclear holocaust,” is suspicious – calling it, “suspicious.” Furthermore, many are concerned that the act is an indication that Iran is interested in carrying out...

Mosque Mouse Creates Panic as Worshippers Prayed for Destruction of Israel

Mosque Mouse Creates Panic as Worshippers Prayed for Destruction of Israel

Was it a sign from the God of Israel? Or the hand of Mossad? Doesn’t matter much. The trauma and psychological damage is done, as approximately 80 people were injured in a mad dash set off when a mouse was spotted at a mosque full of worshippers in Morocco. “First of all, the mouse wasn’t spotted. It was mousy-brown with beady little eyes. I know because it scurried over my bare foot.“ According to officials, those hurt were mostly women who suffered...

Arafat Really Hoping Khamenei Wins Nobel Peace Prize

Arafat Really Hoping Khamenei Wins Nobel Peace Prize

After more than 20 years of being ridiculed as the worst Nobel Peace Prize recipient in memory, former Palestinian Authority President Yasser Arafat admitted he was really hoping Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei would win the award this year and take over that distinction. “Do you know how tiring it gets being the stereotype of a bad Nobel Peace Prize selection?” Arafat asked in an interview with The Mideast Beast. “It’s like I’m the Ryan Leaf of international peacemaking.” Arafat,...

Iran Claims Nuclear Program For “Civilian Purposes,” Causing Civilians Worldwide to Panic

Iran Claims Nuclear Program For “Civilian Purposes,” Causing Civilians Worldwide to Panic

For years, the Iranian regime has been accused of developing a nuclear program for aggressive purposes. There appears to be ample evidence that this endeavor is taking place, and the intelligence agencies of various countries seem to agree on this fact.  However, for as long as these claims have been made, Iran has countered by saying that any nuclear activities are centered on utilization for “civilian purposes.” This claim has always remained as vague as Tupac’s death, and no explanation...

Gaza Underground Tours a Big Hit With Israelis

Gaza Underground Tours a Big Hit With Israelis

Terror tunnels? Or man caves? In an effort to calm ongoing tensions along the Israeli-Gazan border, a joint venture with Hamas’ Board of Tourism and Zionist startup 2waystreet is operating exclusive summer tunnel tours. From now until rainy season or rocket season, whichever comes first, Gaza has opened its sophisticated network of military tunnels to the public. Tourists and sightseeing visitors will get an up-close look at the quality construction and workmanship used by the world-renowned tunnellers, purveyors of fine...

After Tearing Down Confederate Banner Activists Turn to Israeli Flag

After Tearing Down Confederate Banner Activists Turn to Israeli Flag

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Liberal advocacy groups (and conservative groups smart enough to pick their fights) scored a major victory last week as the South Carolina state legislature voted to remove the Confederate Battle Flag from the State Capitol. After toasting their achievement with venti frappuccinos, the groups turned their attention to their next goal: removing the Israeli flag from the Israeli embassy.  The movement to ban the Israeli star-and-stripes from official Israeli buildings is being led by DAFT, the Democrats...

Interview: Tranny Granny Caitlyn Jenner Escapes La La Land to Save Yazidi Women

Interview: Tranny Granny Caitlyn Jenner Escapes La La Land to Save Yazidi Women

Bored with flaccid Hollywood, Caitlyn Jenner has fled the glam life for a cause beyond trans equality. According to sources close to the Kardashian clan, Kris Jenner was stunned to hear the news about her ex-hubby. “What the Fallujah are you talking about? Yazidis? I just saw Bruce. Cait. Three days ago in Tiffany’s on Rodeo Drive.” The 65-year-old former Olympian and Kardashian tribal leader arrived at an undisclosed military base on Mount Sinjar in northern Iraq to hook up with...

Toyota Issues Urgent Recall Following Gaza Explosions

Toyota Issues Urgent Recall Following Gaza Explosions

Toyota has ordered an immediate recall of all Corollas in the Gaza area following a mysterious set of explosions. A spokesman for the Japanese car giant said, “We’ve had problems with the AC on the 1992 models before, but to be honest we’ve never had a whole bunch just spontaneously combust. It’s a mystery we must get to the bottom of.” Hamas commander, Abu Hamar, said, “I hope it goes without saying that we will be blaming the Jews for...

Massive Addition to John Kerry’s Home Built to Store Expected Nobel Peace Prize

Massive Addition to John Kerry’s Home Built to Store Expected Nobel Peace Prize

US Secretary of State John Kerry is so confident of winning the 2015 Nobel Peace Prize that he has broken ground on a dramatic expansion of his stylish Beacon Hill property. “The award will be hermetically sealed and kept in an underground aquarium the size of 20 Olympic-size swimming pools. Mr. Kerry asked me to call SeaWorld and purchase the most exotic freshwater fish in the world. Just as it takes a wild diversity of marine life to build the...

UN Condemns Israel for Occupation of Nepal

UN Condemns Israel for Occupation of Nepal

Following reports that more than 250 Israelis have made their way to Nepal in order to assist in recovery efforts following a devastating earthquake, the UN has issued its latest condemnation of the Jewish State for its sudden occupation of the South-Asian nation. “We are dismayed to learn that Israeli forces are currently using the chaos in Nepal to colonize the country, and we order all these Israeli settlers to leave at once,” the UN Human Rights Council said in...

“Accountant of Auschwitz” is Surprisingly Not Jewish

“Accountant of Auschwitz” is Surprisingly Not Jewish

After  Oskar Groening was convicted of being an accessory to the murder to hundreds of thousands of people in Auschwitz concentration camp sources were surprised to learn that Groening, dubbed “the Accountant of Auschwitz” was not in fact Jewish. “It’s not like an anti-semitic thing or anything…just you know…an accountant? How goddamned Jewish is that? It would be like the “Rabbi of Auschwitz” was a guard or something.” Groening admitted at the trial that he had a hard time convincing his Nazi superiors he was...

Iran Deal Reveals Obama’s Political Savvy, Plan To Destroy America

Iran Deal Reveals Obama’s Political Savvy, Plan To Destroy America

Now that a completed Iranian nuclear deal has become part of our shared history, proponents and opponents of the agreement have been voicing their praise and concern. The multinational treaty is very complex and as a result of this complexity, it seems that groups espousing different agendas can find varying interpretations of the deal, allowing for radically divergent predictions. RELATED: Radical Offshoot of Obama Administration Actively Building Centrifuges in Iran One thing that emerged from the formulation of the agreement is the...

U.S. Republicans Declare Feminist War on ISIS

U.S. Republicans Declare Feminist War on ISIS

Speaker of the House John Boehner told reporters this week that GOP representatives have drafted a document declaring a feminist war on ISIS. “We find the practices of veiling and gender segregation to be antithetical to the development of a modern society in the global economy,” stated Alabama Senator Jeff Sessions before a quorum entirely comprised of other men. Due to difficulty finding a babysitter or inexpensive daycare, Senator Joni Ernst was unavailable for comment that day. “There needs to...

Analysts: By 2030, it Will Just be Easier to List Countries that Don’t Have Nuclear Weapons

Analysts: By 2030, it Will Just be Easier to List Countries that Don’t Have Nuclear Weapons

Nuclear non-proliferation has become a hot-topic under the Obama administration, with the President having reached nuclear agreements with both Russia and Iran during his time in office. Despite these facts however, it has become clear that countries determined to build nuclear weapons will find the means as long as they have the will to do so. In light of this reality, the International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA, the international “nuclear watchdog”) announced today a new, easier way to keep track...

ISIS to Host Next Women’s Soccer World Cup

ISIS to Host Next Women’s Soccer World Cup

In a surprise announcement that caught the soccer world mostly not caring very much, FIFA unresigned kingpin Sepp Blatter announced that the 2019 Women’s Soccer World Cup is to take place in Northern Iraq and Syria. A smiling Blatter addressed the crowd of two journalists sitting next to ISIS emir Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi. “Abu is a bloodthirsty, genocidal, corrupt maniac,” beamed Blatter, “so of course we became best friends. I originally offered ISIS the 2026 Men’s World Cup, but they...