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EXCLUSIVE: ‘Homoterrorists’ Hunting Anti-Gay Leaders across Israel, Palestine
Homophobes throughout the Holy Land are cowering in fear after a spate of attacks by a binational militia, TMB can reveal. Under the cover of night, armed masked ‘Swordsmen of Canaan’ have been methodically targeting rabbis, imams and politicians who openly preach anti-LGBT hatred. Following a months-long investigation, the Mideast Beast has learned that the militia is comprised of about 70 expertly trained...
The Khans Get their Own Television Show
NBC announced today that Khizr and Ghazala Khan, Donald Trump’s favorite couple, will be getting their own reality program, as part of the fall TV schedule. “Muslim Fear Factor will feature pulse racing stunts that force contestants to face their most primal fear: American Muslims. The Khans have signed on to host what promises to be a fascinating journey deep...
Erdogan Admits He Made Up Coup Story After Vandalizing Gas Station While Intoxicated
Saying he was “110 percent sorry,” Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan admitted Thursday that he had fabricated his story about an alleged coup against his government after he drunkenly vandalized a gas station. After a July 15 incident, Erdogan claimed that he and his government had been the victim of an attempted coup d’état, with the president narrowly avoiding an...
Quotes by Clinton and Trump…but Which Ones Are Real?
Hillary Clinton “It’s time for the United States to start thinking of Iraq as a business opportunity.” “Trump says he doesn’t like Assad, but would build a luxury golf course in Syria. Has a presidential candidate ever been this detached from reality? I’ve been in public life for decades and I think the answer is a resounding ‘no’.” “We should...
French Burkini Ban Foils ISIS Plot to Bomb the Mediterranean Sea
NICE — The Islamic State terrorist group was dealt a devastating blow last week, as a French ban on the burkini, put a stop to an ISIS plot to detonate an explosive vest in the Mediterranean Sea. “In what would have been our greatest strike ever against the infidel Crusaders, a young martyr was set to hide an explosive vest...
State Department Workers Abandon Review of 15,000 Clinton Emails, Seek Asylum at Saudi Arabian Embassy
Dozens of civil servants tasked with analyzing nearly 15,000 emails of previously undisclosed communications from Hillary Clinton’s private server whilst she was Secretary of State have abandoned their posts and sought asylum at the nearby Saudi Arabian embassy. “It was worse than sitting through Zoolander 2. We were told that no one could leave until somebody found something nasty on...
Obama Demands 1996 Mel Gibson Film ‘Ransom’ Change Name to ‘Leverage’
Saying that the title of the film did not reflect an accurate description of the money Mel Gibson’s character paid kidnappers for the return of his son, President Obama has demanded that the name of the 1996 action thriller “Ransom” be changed to “Leverage.” “Tom Mullen [the character played by Gibson] was not paying the $2 million to the kidnappers...
Turkish President: “Releasing Criminals to Jail Teachers, Lawyers and Civil Servants Will Make the Country Safer”
ANKARA — The Turkish President announced Thursday a program of mass pardons of current prisoners to clear space for all those really dangerous white collar workers and intellectuals. “We’re all about giving people second chances.” said the Turkish president. “Unless you are suspected of being involved in the failed coup. In that case, you go directly to jail and do not...
Jihadi Teen Brides Lament the Death of Justin Bieber’s Instagram Account
Canadian “singer” Justin Bieber’s jihadi fan base is hurting this morning after their idol shut down his Instagram account. “Justin’s Instagram was a gift from Allah,” wailed one young ISIS bride. “I left school in New Jersey to join this utopian Islamic Caliphate, but I got depressed when I realized that ‘utopia’ doesn’t look as much like Panama City Beach...
WikiLeaks Reveals: Mossad Tried to Recruit Michael Phelps
WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange claims the organization has obtained thousands of e-mails showing that Israel’s Mossad national intelligence agency has recently made overtures to newly-retired Olympic legend Michael Phelps. During an interview with television host Bill Maher, Assange said; “Our recently decapitated source inside the Israeli government provided us with a treasure trove of information about some of the country’s...
Doctors Without Borders Promises to Stop Putting Their Hospitals in the Way of Bombs
Senior officials from Doctors Without Borders (Médecins Sans Frontières, MSF) have signed a pledge to stop placing their medical facilities in the path of bombs and missiles on their way to legitimate targets. William Jones of Doctors Without Borders commented; “When you’re wrong it’s important to stick your hand up and say ‘hey, our bad’. If this was the first...
Milan-Based Terrorist Cell Gets Fat on Pasta, Drunk on Wine, Retires
In what may be a turning point in Europe’s war against terrorism, an Islamic State cell operating in Milan has suspended all Jihadi-related activities and apparently retired to the Italian countryside. “After this group was bitch-slapped out of Libya, we feared that Jihadi fighters might sneak onto refugee boats, cross the Mediterranean and launch lone wolf attacks in Italy. However,...
Obama to Erdogan: We’ll Turn Over Gulen if You Take Trump Too
Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan faces a gut-wrenching decision, as President Obama has offered to extradite Islamic cleric Fethullah Gulan only if Turkey agrees to also take Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump. Erdogan has demanded the U.S. turn over Gulen, the founder of an Islamic social movement living in self-imposed exile in Pennsylvania, claiming Gulen was behind a failed coup...
Lebanon Adopts Lesbian Hummus Wrestling as National Sport; Israel Vows Retaliation
BEIRUT – The Middle East’s simmering ‘Hummus Wars’ dramatically escalated today after Lebanon’s Minister of Sport provocatively declared Lesbian Hummus Wrestling his country’s official national sport. “With this landmark decision, we’ll once and for all prove that Lebanese – not Israeli – mashed chickpeas and bikini-clad chicks are the tastiest in the region,” said Abdul Muttalib Hinnawi at Beirut’s National Hummusdome (formerly the Roman Hippodrome)....
Leftist Embarks on Tel Aviv-to-Tehran Peace March, Arrives in Six Pieces
An Israeli pacifist has died trying to fulfill his dream of “spreading the message of love and liberty across the hate-filled deserts of the Middle East.” 27-year-old Ori Ashkenazi left Tel Aviv to great fanfare, telling CNN: “Ever since I was a kid at a candle-lit memorial for our slain prime minister, Yitzhak Rabin, I’ve dreamed of peace in the...
Clinton: If Elected President, Bill Will Be Kept Away from the Interns
Addressing concerns that a philandering ‘First Dude’ could scandalize a future Hillary Clinton Administration, the Democratic U.S. Presidential nominee vowed on Friday to “keep Bill on a short, GPS-reinforced leash.” “Look, even though Bill has apologized for what happened – which occurred nearly twenty years ago, I may add – I’ll put preventative measures in place,” former First Lady Hillary Clinton...
Saudi Family Therapist Condemns Johnny Depp for Hitting Wife Incorrectly
Johnny Depp, recently accused by estranged wife Amber Heard of domestic violence, and now currently involved in a nasty court battle, has undergone an extra amount of scrutiny from lead Saudi Arabian family therapist Khaled Al-Saqaby today as he expressed his disappointment toward the actor in an ‘open letter’. “There is a proper and an improper way to beat one’s...
Trump Bombshell: “You Got Me: I Have a Black Soul”
In a surprising move Donald Trump has agreed with Khizr Khan, the father of a Muslim US soldier slain in Iraq in 2004, that he has a “black soul”, and lacks basic human empathy. “You got me! This is one thing, besides my freakishly small hands and tax returns, that I’ve been hiding from the American people. I do have...
Lebanon, Saudi Arabia Favorites to Medal in Freestyle Anti-Israel Olympics
Athletes from Lebanon and Saudi Arabia are expected to take the gold and silver, respectively, in the freestyle anti-Israel shadow competition taking place in Rio. The goal of this game-within-a-game is, in layman’s terms, to be the most unsportsmanlike little bitches possible to the Israeli athletes before the International Olympic Committee half-heartedly does something about it. On Sunday, Saudi Arabian Joud...
Israeli Wrestler Takes Olympic Gold Without Winning Single Match After All Muslim Opponents Forfeit
RIO DE JANEIRO- The Olympics, like Black Friday at Macy’s, are thought of as a place where people fight each other for pieces of jewelry, regardless of their race or ethnicity. But, this normally pure pursuit has been marred by some classic, middle school bullying. So far, Lebanese athletes refused to share a bus with Israelis athletes, and Saudi and...