Assad Takes Break from Syrian Civil War to Attend Paul McCartney Concert

Assad Takes Break from Syrian Civil War to Attend Paul McCartney Concert

As Syria continues it’s rapid unraveling, President Bashar al-Assad was reportedly seen dancing the night away among 20,000 aging baby boomers at the Paul McCartney concert in London last weekend. “Maybe I’m amazed I’ve managed to stay in power this long,” Assad was overheard telling his wife during Sir Paul’s powerful rendition of ‘Carry That Weight.’ The Syrian strongman, a fan of Chris Brown, Right Said Fred, and the Foo Fighters, allegedly squealed in delight when none other Foo Fighters’...

UN Condemns Israel Over Game of Thrones Being “Too Rapey”

UN Condemns Israel Over Game of Thrones Being “Too Rapey”

In another lop sided vote – 170 for, 5 against, and 19 abstentions – the UN General Assembly condemned Israel, this time over the increase in gratuitous sexual violence on Game of Thrones. The resolution, which read in part: Where as, the world’s viewers have always enjoyed the seemingly teen-imagined soft core so prevalent in Game of Thrones, with its frequent use of three ways and chicks that are almost preternaturally flexible, and even the occasional rough stuff…we find GOT’s...

Sports Report: Hamas and FIFA Team Up to Provide Winter Camps for Kids

Sports Report: Hamas and FIFA Team Up to Provide Winter Camps for Kids

Hamas and FIFA have decided to team up and provide camps for kids, sources familiar with the matter have told The Mideast Beast. “We’ve been looking to work together for a long time,” explained a FIFA official. “We are two of the largest recipients in illicit Qatari funding, so our eventual partnership was practically inevitable.” The camps, which will be located in Gaza, are expected to provide fantastic programming for young athletes, promising to develop not only campers’ soccer skills...

Vatican Condemns Israeli Attack on Gaza, Calls Hamas Leader ‘Good Shepherd’

Vatican Condemns Israeli Attack on Gaza, Calls Hamas Leader ‘Good Shepherd’

A Holy See ambassador issued a stinging rebuke of the Israeli missile strikes on military training facilities in the Gaza Strip that were launched in response to an earlier firing of four rockets into Israel this week. “Our Jewish brothers in Israel have aligned themselves with the Prince of this World, Satan. As Palestinian boys and girls slept, warplanes unleashed hell from above. We suspect that the devil, in the guise of a nagging, obnoxious, and out of control wife,...

Reprisal of the Damned, Part III – The Showdown

Reprisal of the Damned, Part III – The Showdown

He clambers slowly up the hill, surveying the carnage. His mouth twists into a gleeful smile as counts the burning husks of Abrams tanks around the hill, the downed jets. From the other side of the hill walks Osama bin Laden. “D-Chain, long time no see! How’s Lynne? The kids?” Cheney walks up to Osama, then embraces the undead leader of the Jihad in a long hug. “Sammie, I can’t believe it’s really you! You did so much for us:...

Obama Consults with Astrologer and Ouija Board Following US Loss of Ramadi to ISIS

Obama Consults with Astrologer and Ouija Board Following US Loss of Ramadi to ISIS

US President Barack Obama is “looking to the heavens for help” after ISIS captured the Iraqi town of Ramadi last week, a top US official said. The senior level government source revealed that Obama decided to send 1,000 anti-tank missile systems to Iraq to defeat the Jihadi threat after “a midnight session and séance with acclaimed Thai astrologer Sorajja Nual-yu.“ According to the official, “Ms Nual-yu’ s credentials are impeccable. She predicted the Dancing with the Stars season twenty winner; Putin’s conquest of...

Reprisal of the Damned, Part II – The Hunter

Reprisal of the Damned, Part II – The Hunter

The tunes of 95.9 FM “The Ranch” fill the main room of the log cabin, snippets of a Fox newscast barely audible from the adjacent bedroom during pauses in the music. A man sits on an old leather chair that was brought in from DC, he’s cleaning a shotgun. The room is decorated with mementos from four decades of a career spent cheating death: guns, bombs and heart attacks. Above the fireplace hang three hunting trophies: a stag, a yeti,...

‘This might be more complicated than we thought,’ admits everyone

‘This might be more complicated than we thought,’ admits everyone

The professional commentator and activist communities were all thrown into joint turmoil recently with confirmation that the UAE and Egypt had combined forces to bomb pickup truck-driving locals in downtown Tripoli. “Say what now?” asked Expressive Dance student, Evan Gents, from his squat in the East End of London. “Woah, you’re blowing my mind. Do I need to add some more lines to this ‘Stop the War’ placard? Why can’t anything be simple? I’m seriously considering not going on the march this...

Reprisal of the Damned, Part I – The Ritual

Reprisal of the Damned, Part I – The Ritual

The single candle casts five shadows on the cavern’s back wall, the flame reflecting in four pairs of apprehensive eyes locked on the figure in slate-gray robes. The figure raises two hands and intones: “God is greatest!” “Praise be to God!” the voices from the back are waveringly slightly, as if mimicking the flickering light of the candle. “By the will of–” “–Cut!” The cry comes from the sixth man at the cave’s entrance. “I, uh… I think it stopped...

Netanyahu Goes on Team Building Trip with New Government, Comes Back Alone

Netanyahu Goes on Team Building Trip with New Government, Comes Back Alone

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu tried to strengthen relations between his new government’s members by leading a team-bonding excursion into the Negev Desert that ended with him returning home alone. “A heaping, stinking mess,” is how the hiking guide described the government’s first attempt at working together. “I don’t want to name names, but while one government official – wearing a skirt – was walking over hot coals, another official – wearing a beard – tripped her. She was rushed...

Israel Agrees to Disband But Only After World Shows That its Predisposition Towards Jew-Killing is Dealt With First

Israel Agrees to Disband But Only After World Shows That its Predisposition Towards Jew-Killing is Dealt With First

In a surprise announcement today, causing a global ‘thumbs up’, the Israeli government announced that it would acquiesce to the requests of countless over the course of several decades to “just go away.” Thus, the Jewish State will most likely succumb to international pressure and disband. However, this decision hinges on just a single condition: that the world’s apparent fascination with answering the question, “wouldn’t everything just be better if all the Jews were dead?” be put to rest once...

Drones Establish Autonomous Country in Northwest Pakistan

Drones Establish Autonomous Country in Northwest Pakistan

The region of Waziristan, on the Afghanistan-Pakistan border, has earned the appellation ‘Stan of Stans’ for being literally the worst place on this planet for humans to live. The Stanhabitants have endured several centuries of bloody warfare, occasionally interrupted by famine to keep everyone on their toes. Since 2004, the area has been the epicenter of America’s ‘Drone War’, with over 400 strikes killing 1,654 militants, 407 civilians, 690 civilized militants, 72 militarized civilians, 14 people who were neither very...

Singer Morrissey Accidentally Cancels World Tour Following Egypt’s Sentencing of Morsi to Death

Singer Morrissey Accidentally Cancels World Tour Following Egypt’s Sentencing of Morsi to Death

British musician and former Smiths front man Morrissey immediately cancelled the remaining shows on his 2015 concert tour upon hearing the news that he had been sentenced to death by an Egyptian court on Saturday. “I cannot take this kind of heat. I have delicate skin and the thought of being shot, beheaded or however they plan on ending me is making me forget song lyrics.” The respected melodramatic artist racked his brain for an explanation: “A fatwa on my head,...

Syrian Warplanes Bomb Montana

Syrian Warplanes Bomb Montana

President Bashar al-Assad recently authorized air strikes on militia units in northern Montana in collaboration with elements of the Canadian Defence Forces and the UN. The White House was kept fully informed of the operation. The Syrian Leader was quoted, “to be completely honest I just felt that the world had become so completely unhinged that this didn’t seem that odd anymore. I’ve been hammering away on my own population for so long, creating hatred and the ungoverned spaces for...

American Association of University Professors Votes to Replace ‘Middle East’

American Association of University Professors Votes to Replace ‘Middle East’

In an attempt to connect with chronically glassy eyed college students, the largest organization of professors in the United States is combatting declining interest in Middle East studies by changing the name of the region. “Today’s pop culturally savvy, sex-saturated undergraduates are tuning out of any programs that contain the term ‘Middle East’. Aspiring potheads around the country believe that the entire region is a figment of their parents’ imagination. ‘Middle of what? East of where?’ I hate my father. You have any Cheetos?’...

Jews Brace For Stupidly Long Holiday Because Ancient Jews Weren’t Very Good At Making Calendars

Jews Brace For Stupidly Long Holiday Because Ancient Jews Weren’t Very Good At Making Calendars

Today, Diaspora Jews live in constant fear of what are called, “two day yontifs.” During these two-day holiday periods, many Jews are unable to use electronic devices or cars due to religious restrictions. The odd part of this practice is that by the nature of signifying historic events, Jewish holidays should take place on a single day. So where the hell does the idea that, “if one day is good, two must be better” come from? The idea behind dreaded...

International Entrepreneur Elon Musk Announces Permanent Solution to Middle East Strife

International Entrepreneur Elon Musk Announces Permanent Solution to Middle East Strife

Business titan and inventor Elon Musk has applied his out-sized intellect to the millennia-long problems plaguing the Middle East, announcing through a spokesperson that he has a plan to eliminate “all strife in the Middle Eastern part of the world,” by Christmas. “Mr. Musk has been mulling this issue for some time now,” said one of his spokespeople.  “Mr. Musk is waaaay fucking smart, so listening to him is always profitable, except for that whole Tesla electric car thing. That sucked, but PayPal...

Iranian Leader: “Iran Needs Nuclear Weapons to Deter Ultron”

Iranian Leader: “Iran Needs Nuclear Weapons to Deter Ultron”

Disarray descended in Switzerland following Ayatollah Khamenei’s surprise speech in which he insisted on Iran’s need for nuclear weapons to fight “that nose-less killer robot, Ultron.” The tearful supreme leader explained that he’d previously been unaware of the danger posed by the “mechanical murderer.” “Last night I walked in on my grandsons watching television. At first I thought it was a bootlegged western movie, which would of course be haram. However they explained to me that it was the BBC.”...

Opening US airspace will lead to ‘rain of terrorists’

Opening US airspace will lead to ‘rain of terrorists’

US airline bosses are warning that an open skies agreement allowing non-US airlines to operate domestically within the US is the biggest terrorist threat since 9/11. “You let non-US airlines to operate here and that means that you have to let the Middle Eastern ones in,” cautioned, aviation analyst Michael J Preston. “That means it’s going to be literally raining terrorists. I’ve been at JFK when some of those flights come in and it’s easier to count the guys without...

War to become a giant, unending game of Ping-Pong, as Israel transfers Iron Dome technology to Hamas

War to become a giant, unending game of Ping-Pong, as Israel transfers Iron Dome technology to Hamas

A human being from the UN Human Rights Council has chastised Israel for not sharing its air defense system technology with Hamas. “Has war not always been the realm of fairness? Well, this is just unfair. What we witnessed last summer was the Israelis waging genocide against people that they force to live in tunnels. Though if we’re being honest, I’m not exactly sure what genocide really means. I’ll have to consult with Penelope Cruz on that.” Nevertheless, Israel has agreed, albeit reluctantly, to transfer a...