Homophobes throughout the Holy Land are cowering in fear after a spate of attacks by a binational militia, TMB can reveal.
Under the cover of night, armed masked ‘Swordsmen of Canaan’ have been methodically targeting rabbis, imams and politicians who openly preach anti-LGBT hatred.
Following a months-long investigation, the Mideast Beast has learned that the militia is comprised of about 70 expertly trained gay Israelis and Palestinians divided into two factions – David’s Sword (Herev David) and Al-Amin’s Sword (Sayf Al-Amin). They are funded by hundreds of local and international supporters, and are loosely affiliated with the Homorabian Liberation Front, though the Swordsmen believe “non-violent resistance is futile. Like the path blazed by our soul sisters, the fearless Lesjihadis, brute homo-power – not painting pyramids pink – is what will truly subdue our foes.”
“Because they f***ing deserve it”
Among those targeted is a deputy speaker of Israel’s parliament, a self-declared “proud homophobe” who has called Gay Pride marches “abomination parades” and claimed gays control the Israeli media. “We sure taught him a lesson, giving him an epic rimming – among other things,” said a Herev David spokesman. Indeed, the politician was absent from parliament for days after the alleged attack, and nursed a noticeable limp upon his return. He has also since refrained from uttering any more anti-LGBT insults.
Not to be outdone, Sayf Al-Amin has attacked at least five homophobic Palestinian imams, with Hamas’s most senior cleric allegedly hospitalized with life-threatening rectal tearing.
The Swordsmen are not only targeting public figures; for instance, many of those who verbally abused two men filmed walking through Jerusalem holding hands in a viral video by news site Ynet have been tracked down and “punished.”
Continue reading below
According to David’s Sword, one of the antagonists – who yelled “f***ing faggots” at the couple – was dragged into a van while smoking a cigarette outside his home one night and repeatedly “Kebabed.”
When contacted by TMB, the victim – identified as Shlomi Shpichman – denied being targeted. However, graphic footage supplied by David’s Sword suggests otherwise, as does the testimony of a neighbor: “Shlomi’s wife kicked him out after she caught him masturbating to some really violent gay gangbang porn. Something drastic must have happened – he was such a devoted, God-fearing husband.”
Following the publication of TMB’s report, the Swordsmen issued a joint statement in Hebrew, Arabic, Russian and English: “Choose your words wisely, O homophobes of the Holy Land, for we’re sharpening the swords of justice as you speak. And be doubly warned: we don’t use lube.”