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Damascus Picked to Host 2020 Olympics
Damascus has been chosen to host the 2020 Olympics, as the International Olympic Committee selected the Syrian capital due to logistical considerations. “Frankly, the difficulty of getting close to 200 delegations into the host country is always a challenge,” IOC President Thomas Bach said. “Given how many countries already have a strong presence in Syria, this job will be much,...
Recalled Samsung Galaxy Note7 Replacing Barrel Bombs Over Syria
In a further blow to Samsung’s PR machine, recalled Galaxy Note7 smart phones are now the weapon of choice for Syrian government forces. Military press officer Mahmoud Goldstein commented, “To be honest we had been running out of things to drop from our helicopters, so Samsung has been a real life saver. Well obviously not if you’re standing under one...
ISIS Leader to Release Medical Records on The Dr. Oz Show
Saying he was tired of false reports of his death, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has agreed to appear on “The Dr. Oz Show” to present his medical records. After giving the ISIS Caliph a thorough physical, Dr. Mehmet Oz, the host of the popular TV show, said the caliph is a bit overweight but overall healthy and should be...
ISIS Suspends Operations Amid Concerns over Environmental Impact
The Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS) has announced suspension of offensive operations throughout the Near East, amid concerns over environmental impact on sensitive desert ecosystems. “I just LOVE those guys!” gushed Samantha Gulk, the Executive Director of the World Wildlife Federation (WWF). “They get it! They really get it!” It is unclear if Ms. Gulk’s statement referred only to this...
Abbas Agrees to Talks with Netanyahu in Russia, Dr. Phil to Moderate
Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas has agreed to meet with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu in Moscow, with television personality Dr. Phil McGraw to serve as U.S. Special Envoy for the negotiations. “Let’s get real. The Middle East is one giant clusterfuck. Well, the doctor is in the house and I will lock eyeballs with Netanyahu and Abbas and won’t let...
ISIS to Implement 30-Hour Work Week
ISIS has followed Amazon’s lead and launched a pilot program in which a few dozen fighters will engage in only 30 hours of Jihad-making each week. In return, they will receive 75% of their normal quota of sex slaves and retain full health care benefits. “The Islamic State is dedicated to improving its future martyrs’ work-life balance.” ISIS leader Abu...
Gary Johnson Advisors Not Sure How to Tell Candidate About 9/11
Noting that there was no easy way to broach the subject, advisors of Libertarian presidential candidate Gary Johnson told reporters they are discussing how to tell their candidate about the tragic September 11 terrorist attacks that occurred 15 years ago. “There are going to be ceremonies all day Sunday, so it’s just a matter of time before he starts asking...
Assad: It’s the Media, Not Me, That Has Killed 500,000 Syrians
Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has accused international news channels of being responsible for the slaughter of hundreds of thousands of Syrians since the civil war broke out in 2011. “Want to end the genocide in Syria? Get the Zionist-controlled media out of my bedroom. All those cameras make me sweat uncontrollably during the day and break out in hives at...
Teenager Who Hacked into Iranian Government Website Rewarded with 72 Virgins
A teenager who spent hours between school classes on his laptop, hacking websites belonging to the Iranian government, has been thanked for finding security gaps that could’ve been exploited by Iran’s enemies. 18-year old Atila Fikri was praised by Iranian Defense Minister Hossein Dehghan: “Anti-revolutionary, Zionist-funded, black-hat hackers are attempting to crash our networks. Once, during an all-night security meeting and...
‘Suicide Squad’ to be Remade with Cast of Middle East Dictators
HOLLYWOOD – Warner Bros. Pictures announced that Christopher Nolan will direct a reboot of the super villain movie, Suicide Squad. After the 2016 release disappointed critics and fans alike, the studio was giddy at the prospect of another attempt at the film with a different approach. “I took time to think how we could make the movie more modern and...
UCLA BDS Activists Demand ‘Safe Space’ for People Who Want to Beat Up Jews
Saying they were being denied their “fundamental human right” to assault Jewish individuals at will, BDS supporters at UCLA have called for a “safe space” for anti-Semites on campus. “Being able to beat up a defenseless Jew is our right, and we demand that UCLA provide us with a safe space to do so,” the president of UCLA’s Students for...
Turkey Shuts Down Social Media after Spat with Iran over Israel
The Turkish government has blocked Facebook and Twitter after a public dust-up involving the Islamic Republic of Iran, Israel and a slew of attack fans. “Real fans of martial law and mass arrests wouldn’t be throwing shade at my new friends,” Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan tweeted after supporters of his regime got hostile over a picture of him and Israeli Prime...
Saudi Arabian Company Introduces Dual Purpose Burka-Body Bag
“Are you tired of having to buy cumbersome and expensive body bags after finishing an honor killing?” Asks a new Saudi Arabian commercial, “then you need the Burkbody Bag!” Honor killings are, much like Bill Cosby, a disturbing reality for too many women across the world. And while this type of murder is viewed by the international community as being...
Chris Brown Offered Dream Job with ISIS
Grammy Award winner and domestic violence advocate Chris Brown was arrested on Tuesday following a standoff with police at his Hollywood mansion. Brown, best known for having the unmitigated gall to raise his fist to Rihanna’s beautiful visage back in 2009, recorded a profanity-laced rant on his Instagram account defending his actions and declaring himself a victim of police brutality....
Qatar Buys San Francisco 49ers
The Qatar Investment Authority has bought a 51% stake in the San Francisco 49ers, just days after quarterback Colin Kaepernick refused to stand during the US national anthem. “While receiving an amazing Thai massage from a young Filipina girl I purchased on Alibaba.com it hit me: waging Jihad is just like playing football. Both are well funded forms of organized...
Kaepernick Vows Not to Leave His Bed Until ‘There’s Peace in the Middle East’
SAN FRANCISCO — Saying he had just learned of the ongoing war in Syria as well as other tragedies across the Middle East, 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick has vowed not to leave his bed until there’s “change” in the region and an end to all violence and suffering. “First, when I heard about all the violence and racism in America...
College Student Jumpstarts Israeli-Palestinian Peace Process With Timely Question, ‘Why Can’t They All Just Get Along?’
A few days ago, Carl Rickman was just another University of Connecticut Husky trying to survive summer semester finals. The sophomore economics major and Beta Theta Pi bro never thought he would be catapulted to center stage of world peace for his brave and intelligent academic work. Rickman was attending the Tuesday lecture of his political science course this past...
Saudi Arabian Witch Trial Sentences ‘Sorcerer’ for Leaking Intel to Iran
RIYADH — A special criminal court in Saudi Arabia has sentenced an Egyptian man to six years in prison on charges of sorcery, violating labor laws, and using wizardry to aid Saudi Arabia’s personal Voldemort, Iran. The Egyptian is accused of emailing sensitive diplomatic intel to Iran, including information on Saudi troop movements and the proper way to pronounce Wingardium...
UK Labour Party Leader Jeremy Corbyn: “We Love Jews and Their Crooked Noses”
A number of anti-Semitic and anti-Israel incidents have landed the UK Labour party in hot water. The party recently severed ties with a security firm due to its ties to Israel; MP Naz Shah was suspended for old Facebook posts suggesting that Israel be relocated to the US, while former London Mayor Ken Livingstone was suspended for comments claiming Hitler supported Zionism. Additionally,...
Clinton Promises Sharia Law to Apply Just to Anthony Weiner
In a crucial amendment to her widespread desire to spread Sharia law across the country, a spokesman for Hillary Clinton has explained that this will only actually apply to Anthony Weiner come 2017. “As many Breitbart readers know, we’ve been toying with replacing the red, white and blue with the black and white for some time. But to be honest...