Canadian “singer” Justin Bieber’s jihadi fan base is hurting this morning after their idol shut down his Instagram account.
“Justin’s Instagram was a gift from Allah,” wailed one young ISIS bride. “I left school in New Jersey to join this utopian Islamic Caliphate, but I got depressed when I realized that ‘utopia’ doesn’t look as much like Panama City Beach during Spring Break as you might think. I’m not really sure that my new husband really knows what “utopia” means…
“So for all us Jihadi brides, our only real distraction is online, and there are only so many Snap Chat videos you can post trying to convince my peers that prayer and barrel bombs are as much fun as an invitation to Freshmans’ Week at the local community college. So in between recruitments, we always used to click over to Justin’s Instagram page and his posts made me smile under my burqa. And, unlike some ‘fans,’ I don’t care that he has nearly identical girls in his harem, I mean, so does my husband.”
However, a captive Yazidi girl in the household of ISIS leader Abu Bakr-al Baghdadi expressed to The Mideast Beast that she was “no longer a Belieber. His shameful deletion of his Instagram account has opened my eyes, at least the one that isn’t swollen shut from beatings. Now I see that Justin pleads for attention with his shitty posed pics more than I plead for my life! But, I feel bad for Justin’s new girlfriend because, like her, I am the child concubine of a hugely famous douche. Honestly, all this Insta drama has really put my experience in perspective.”