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CIA Asks Trump to Destroy ISIS the Same Way He’s Done to the Republican Party
With Donald Trump as the Republican presidential nominee, many analysts have already gone so far as to declare the GOP brain dead, even if it still remains on life support. Diagnoses have already been made explaining just how the proud party of Lincoln wound up belonging in a golden asylum with ‘TRUMP’ written in giant letters on the front, with...
Roger Waters ‘Surprises’ Fans by Replacing Concert with Three-Hour Rant on Israel’s Policies
Roger Waters, former Pink Floyd vocalist and outspoken critic of Israel, took his activism to the next level at his most recent show in Indio, California. He approached the stage brandishing a fold out chair and a microphone and proceeded to explain that there are important things happening ‘out there’ and that this was the best opportunity to have a...
Supporters of Sanders Torn Between Voting for Hillary or Joining ISIS
With Hillary Clinton as the last line of defense for democrats in the upcoming election, supporters of Bernie Sanders are reportedly torn over whether to support the former Secretary of State or flee the country and join ISIS, calling both options equally awful. “On the one hand, leaving my family and traveling to Syria to live in the desert and behead innocent...
UNESCO Claims no Connection Between Jewish Heritage, Circumcision
The Israeli government has slammed the United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization for passing a resolution stating that “circumcision is a purely Islamic act” and “cutting of the wee wee’s foreskin has no Jewish significance whatsoever”. “Do I need to line up every Jewish male in Israel and have them whip out their shmekels to show the UNESCO executive...
Trump ‘Softens’ Immigration Policy, Offers “Free Hat to Every Deported Mexican”
TUCSON – Citing his “terrific compassion,” GOP presidential nominee Donald Trump has offered ‘Make America Great Again’ hats to all would-be deportees from the U.S. to “shield them from the harsh sun back in their homeland.” “And they say I’m a cold-hearted racist!” the billionaire told a rally in suburban Tucson yesterday. “Believe me, the Mexicans will be overjoyed with this token...
Iranian President Caught on “Access Tehran”: ‘The Trick is to Fuck Saudi Arabia without Catching Herpes’
TEHRAN — Iranian President Hassan Rouhani bragged in vulgar terms about his plans to add Saudi Arabia to the Islamic Republic’s list of conquests during a recent conversation caught on a hot microphone. “I moved on Mecca, and I failed. I’ll admit it: Forget furniture, I should have dropped some Spanish Fly in the King’s drink, like we did with that...
If Elected, Trump Vows to “Grab ISIS by the Pussy”
Donald Trump has announced that if elected president, his first course of action will be to “Grab ISIS by the Pussy”. “There is clearly tremendous hate in the main stream media, trying to turn such a great message into something negative. That is why, when elected President, I vow that I will grab ISIS by the pussy” said Trump. “I’m...
Female ISIS Prisoners Unsure Whether They’d Be Better or Worse Off with Trump Win
IRAQ – Territory controlled by ISIS is a bit like a seedy strip club, nobody inside really wins, but it’s especially bad for the women there. As more information leaks out of the caliphate the world is finding out how dysfunctional and unhealthy it is on the inside, just like the souls of men in that strip club. With the...
ISIS Leader Embraces Democracy after Watching Second Clinton-Trump Debate
Abu bakr al-Baghdadi, CEO of the Islamic State, was so enthralled by the 90-minute presidential town hall debate that he has ordered his leadership to make a drastic change in how the organization conducts its worldwide Jihad campaign. “Starting today, we will conquer by lying, threatening, spreading vicious rumors and slinging unprecedented amounts of filth at our opponents. That should...
ISIS Leader Offended Trump Hasn’t Praised Him as Strong Leader
Saying he hoped it was simply an oversite and not an intentional snub, ISIS caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi reported that he was “deeply hurt” that Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump has yet to offer him any praise. “The Donald has called Vladimir Putin a strong leader, said that jackass Saddam was good at killing terrorists, and praised Gaddafi and Kim Jong...
World’s Satirists Planning Mass Suicide If Trump Loses to Clinton
From The Onion to The Mideast Beast, hundreds of satire writers have resolved to kill themselves on November 8 should Democratic presidential front-runner Hillary Clinton defeat GOP nominee Donald Trump, a months-long TMB investigation can reveal. “With the shit that pours out of that orange buffoon’s mouth, my articles over the past year have practically written themselves,” said one writer...
Former Israeli President’s Appearance in Heaven Greeted with Protest by Martyred Islamists
PEARLY GATES – According to alarming new reports, thousands of deceased Islamist militants are rioting across the afterworld as a result of former Israeli President Shimon Peres’ arrival. Hamas fighter Mustafa bin Over, who died in early 2016, had this to say: “We don’t want some war criminal in our neighborhood. First, I come up here for the virgins and...
Egyptian Deity Changes Name to ‘The Goddess Formerly Known as Isis’
The Egyptian Goddess of Magic and Life announced yesterday that after several months of being confused with the terrorist organization ISIS, she would change her name to the The Goddess Formerly Known As Isis, or TGFKAI for short. “It’s with a heavy heart that I announce today that I will now be known as the The Goddess Formerly Known as...
Syrian War Escalates as Creepy Clowns Enter Conflict
The civil war in Syria has entered a bloodier and far creepier phase, as clowns have reportedly seized parts of the besieged city of Aleppo. Reports of clowns, some armed with sharpened teeth, roaming the streets of Syria’s cities began circulating last week, and by Tuesday they had seized several villages outside Aleppo as well as parts of the city...
God To Hire Guest Judge This Yom Kippur
To make this year’s Jewish High Holidays more interesting, God has been taking meetings with countless deities in search of Israel’s Next Top Idol. “I’m just so sick of putting up with their shit every year… it’s time to bring in some fresh blood into the competition,” God was quoted at the Constant Complaining Convention in the spring, hinting at a...
Minister of Parliament: Israel “Not Expanding,” State is Just “Big Boned”
Earlier today, when confronted with the question of why Israel has been expanding settlements in the West Bank recently, Knesset MP Yaron Cham responded with a novel answer. He claims that contrary to what many people say about Israel, the state isn’t expanding. Rather, Israel is just “big boned.” Furthermore, MP Cham seems to be offended at the very notion,...
ISIS Leader Suspended from Jihad After Testing Positive for Steroids
RAQQA — The Islamic State was dealt a setback last week, as ISIS Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi was suspended indefinitely after testing positive for jihad-enhancing drugs. The failed test not only puts the Islamic State’s future in jeopardy but has called into question the legitimacy of previous accomplishments, which for years have been tainted by rumors of steroid use. “During...
World Health Organization Links Falafel and Hummus to Religious Fanaticism
Only one year following the release of a report linking processed meat to cancer, the World Health Organization has unveiled a disturbing new study that examined the dietary habits of individuals from countries around the world and determined that people who consume a high amount of falafel and other chickpea-based food items are at significantly higher risk of being involved in an...
Assad Taps Bill Cosby to Run Chemical Weapons Program
Calling the television star a leader in the fields of both chemistry and ethics, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad announced Monday that Bill Cosby will be charged with leading Syria’s chemical weapons program. “Ever since that dick [U.S. President Barack] Obama made me give [Russian President Vladimir] Putin my chemical weapons, I’ve been looking for someone who really knows how to...
Excluded from Trump’s “Spate of Hate,” Gays Cry Foul
LOS ANGELES – Alleging that Donald Trump’s “selective bigotry” is damaging their standing among fellow oppressed groups, angry gay Americans are demanding that the Republican presidential candidate extend his deluge of insults to them. At a rally in West Hollywood, hundreds of irate gay white men protested their “immoral exclusion from Trump’s spate of hate.” Complained James, a 24-year-old personal trainer...