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Mosul Man Happily Licks Ice Cream Cone After ISIS Lifts Ban on Blow Jobs
A man has been spotted licking an ice cream cone in liberated territory outside of Mosul. Caliphate law bans ice cream cones and popsicles so as not to encourage blow jobs and other “perverse” homosexual acts. The smiling Iraqi was captured on camera, and experts say the photo will go down in history in much the same way as The Kiss,...
Al-Qaeda Leader Welcomes Drone Strikes to Avoid Being Subjected to More Election Coverage
Reports from Afghanistan suggest that senior Al-Qaeda leadership are running out into fields waving red flags and waiting for the sweet release of death to avoid any more 24-news coverage of the US presidential election. A spokesman for the group said; “On reflection, it was a mistake to sign up for the full news package from Al Jazeera. We should...
Yemen is Looking Forward to November 9th
With just a few days to go until “The Coming of the Nameless One Who Has Sapped the Energy From Every Single Human Being Over the Past Six Months” – or the U.S. presidential elections as some people still insist on calling it – the people of Yemen are looking forward to regaining their place at the forefront of the world’s attention. One...
ISIS Launches Operation ‘Wait and See’ Against US
ISIS has announced the launch of Operation ‘Wait and See’ against the United States, as the terrorist group plans to “sit back and just kind of see how things play out” for the next three or four days. “It feels a little bit silly to be plotting attacks that will maybe kill 15 to 20 Americans when the country is...
ISIS Angered as Re-Establishment of Caliphate Overshadowed by Cubs World Series Win
Saying that it “must be a Zionist conspiracy,” ISIS leaders are reportedly furious that the Chicago Cubs’ first World Series Championship since 1908 has made the terrorist group’s re-establishment of the caliphate after a 90-year wait seem unimpressive in comparison. “Now all we ever hear about is how the Cubs broke their curse, and how their fans have suffered for...
ISIS Expresses Disappointment over Twitter’s Decision to Shut Down Vine
Twitter’s decision to shutter Vine, the six-second video sharing service, has been met with disappointment worldwide, and the reaction from ISIS leadership has been no different. “We are shocked by the sudden removal of the social media platform which brought us such unforgettable generational talents as King Bach, Britney Furlan, and Lele Pons,” stated senior ISIS leader Abu Muhammad al-Shimali....
Following Anthony Weiner Scandal, Iranian Liberals Okay with Government Banning Twitter
Saying that they now understood the imperative for the ban, liberal activists in the Islamic Republic of Iran have dropped their demand that the government lift its ban on Twitter. “While being denied the basic freedom of speech and assembly that Twitter allows is unfair and repressive, at least we don’t have old perverts sending us pictures of their dicks,”...
Survey: Two out of Three Palestinian Terrorists Prefer Subaru for Car Ramming Attacks Against Israelis
Car and Driver magazine has released survey results from the West Bank and Gaza suggesting that when it comes to carrying out vehicular acts of terror against Israelis, Palestinians prefer the Japanese automaker Subaru. “It makes total sense. The Insurance Institute for Highway Safety (IIHS) consistently gives Subaru top safety ratings. We don’t want attackers sustaining an injury while running...
Trump Threatens to Release Video Proving Obama, Clinton Carried out Harambe Murder
NEW HAMPSHIRE — At his most recent rally in New Hampshire, Donald Trump dropped a bombshell that has the general public scared, confused and shocked. “Folks, it seems that creating the most violent terrorist organization in the world was not enough for Obama and Crooked Hillary, and nor is the current “reinvestigation” by the FBI into Clinton’s emails. No, something far...
ISIS to Trump: “Could You Please Stop Giving Obama and Hillary All of the Credit for Our Work?!”
IRAQ — In the most egregious case of laughably misplaced credit since Kylie Jenner claimed to have invented wigs, Donald Trump, as everyone now knows, has called President Obama and Hillary Clinton the “founder and co-founder” of the Islamic State. Unsurprisingly, ISIS was appalled at this assertion. “Ugh, I knew this would happen. Fucking knew it!” said ISIS leader Abu-Bakr...
Obama Confirms Sharia Law During Third Term
President Obama has announced that plans to introduce Sharia law across America will be fast-tracked once his third term in office begins. In an exclusive interview with Breitbart the world’s leading Communist Muslim stated, “After universal health care, this was always my biggest policy goal but much to my disappointment stuff just kept getting in the way. FEMA prisoner of...
Israeli Army to Invade U.S., Build Security Wall Around Oval Office if Trump Wins
JERUSALEM – With two weeks left until the new president of the United States is elected, the Israel Defense Force (IDF) is already formulating a strategy of containment for the off chance that Donald Trump wins. “Everyone thought we had it bad over the last eight years with a communist Muslim in the White House. Although, in retrospect, he actually...
CIA Admits They’re Just not Good at Math
The CIA has shocked the wider intelligence community by confessing, “we just don’t do sums.” According to Director of Basic Mental Arithmetic, Jim Thomson, “most of the guys and girls here are very much ‘humanities’ students. Ask them to make some wide-sweeping statement about any regional situation, no problem, 50,000 words on your desk by close of play.” However counting...
New UNESCO Resolution Challenges Agency’s Historic Connection to Relevance
UNESCO, the Ben Stiller to the international community’s Smithsonian Museum, is tasked with protecting the treasures of different cultures from themselves and each other. Following the uproar about the Jerusalem Holy Site resolution, UNESCO apparently decided to one-up itself earlier today by challenging its own historic connection to relevance in the international sphere. “We’ve had a presence on the international...
Ghost of Donald Trump’s Mom: I Should’ve Had an Abortion
According to the psychic who relayed the story of an irate ISIS suicide bomber who contracted STDs in heaven, the late Mary MacLeod Trump regrets having her fourth child, Donald, on account of his “campaign of contagious hate.” “Mary is heartbroken that her son is spreading so much bigotry down here on earth,” alleges Shanti Shapiro, regarded as California’s premier...
Gary Johnson Memorizes Entire ‘Mosul’ Wikipedia Page
Saying he would be ready if asked by an interviewer about the ISIS-held Iraqi city, Libertarian presidential nominee Gary Johnson has reportedly memorized the entire Wikipedia page for ‘Mosul,’ which has been in the news recently as Iraqi forces try to reclaim the city. “When Mike Barnicle tries to stump me with a ‘gotcha’ question like, ‘What do you think...
Clinton: I’m as Qualified as Any Male Candidate to Fail at Solving Israeli-Palestinian Conflict
In a statement to the media today, the Democratic presidential nominee addressed sexist analyses of her qualifications. Hillary Clinton spoke directly to those critics claiming that America just isn’t ready for its first female President, maintaining her trademark air of stately confidence, with just a hint of bitterness at potentially having the Oval Office snatched out of her hands yet...
Hillary Promises ‘ISIS Reset’ as President
Citing the success of her “Russian Reset” as Secretary of State, Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has promised to launch an “ISIS Reset” if elected this November. “While it’s clear that the United States and the Islamic State have gotten off on the wrong foot, it’s about time that we focus on our common interests and work together on key...
Web Searches on Google For “How to Move to Iraq” Skyrocket after 3rd Presidential Debate
Following the final presidential debate, Google trends revealed that searches on ‘how to move to Iraq’ had surged by nearly 300%. “It kinda makes sense” said registered voter Roberto Seitelman. “The US is about to get ugly, regardless of who wins this one. Iraq can’t really get any worse and I hear they are about to get Mosul back, so...
Trump Unveils Plan to Battle ISIS by Complaining that the War on Terror is Rigged
Noting that there is no better way to achieve victory than to complain about the fact that you are losing, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump announced plans to defeat ISIS by constantly complaining that the global war on terror is rigged against the West. In a detailed policy statement, Trump promised that as president, following successful terrorist attacks carried out...