Anti-Zionists: Hitler against Circumcision not Jews

Anti-Zionists: Hitler against Circumcision not Jews

The anti-Zionist Lobby have claimed they, just like Adolf Hitler, are not anti-Semitic and that both they and Hitler’s chief targets are coincidentally Jews. In a hard hitting interview with The Mideast Beast, the head of a coalition of groups contradictory in every one of their values except being against Israel, claimed Hitler was not against Jews but had legitimate concerns about circumcision. RELATED: Urban Outfitters Unveils New “I watched the Nazis murder my family, and all I got was this...

Israel Searches for Star to Outshine Mia Khalifa

Israel Searches for Star to Outshine Mia Khalifa

Naftali Bennett, leader of The Jewish Home party and the balding hunk in the above photograph, has called for a search for a star in the Jewish State after pictures and tweets of Middle Eastern porn star Mia Khalifa, born in neighbouring Lebanon, briefly topped social media searches last week. Twenty One year old Khalifa’s claim to fame was that she had managed to become the top searched actress on popular internet site Porn Hub, with some 1.5 million views. The...

Forget Food Stamps, Gwyneth Paltrow Takes On Middle East Challenge

Forget Food Stamps, Gwyneth Paltrow Takes On Middle East Challenge

This month, actress Gwyneth Paltrow made headlines for being skinny and blonde and also for taking on the Food Stamps Challenge, in which bored and out-of-touch celebrities try and live on the weekly food stamps budget of $29. After blowing her budget on kale and limes, Gwyneth had to quit the challenge early. (But, to be fair, eating kale would be hard even for starving African kids). Hoping to redeem herself/gain more publicity, Gwyneth will now be taking on the fun...

Israel to Install ‘Applause-O-Meter’ in Gaza to Gauge Severity of Terror Attacks

Israel to Install ‘Applause-O-Meter’ in Gaza to Gauge Severity of Terror Attacks

Israel has announced plans to install the Applause-O-Meter in the neighboring Gaza Strip. “Immediately following attacks in Israel, the Gaza Strip always erupts in celebration,” we were told by the IDF officer behind the project, Avner Benrimon. “There’s singing, dancing, clapping, treats, and general merriment. I just had the idea to take advantage of these activities.” The idea is to gain the ability to immediately assess the severity of a terror attack by reading the registered level of the Applause-O-Meter in...

New WikiLeaks Documents Reveal Saddam Hussein’s Love for Israel

New WikiLeaks Documents Reveal Saddam Hussein’s Love for Israel

Recently leaked correspondence between Saddam Hussein and his henchmen suggest that the late Iraqi dictator had a serious crush on Israel, a country he terrorized with SCUD missiles and whose enemies he publicly supported for decades. “I wish I knew how to quit her. So petite, with that perfect, slim waist and sparkling personality. Israel is just this side of irresistible! Thanks for letting me vent, cousin. By the way, how many Kurds did we gas yesterday? I need some...

UN Condemns Israeli Aggression After Mistaking Memorial Day Siren for Rocket Alert

UN Condemns Israeli Aggression After Mistaking Memorial Day Siren for Rocket Alert

UN sources acknowledged today that a resolution condemning Israel for genocide was passed due to confusion caused by a siren sounded in Tel Aviv to commemorate Israel’s Memorial Day. “We heard that there were sirens in Tel Aviv and just assumed Hamas had launched rockets, so we decided to pass a resolution condemning the Israeli aggression,” a UN official told The Mideast Beast. “To be honest, we had the resolution in the hopper and ready to go since the ceasefire...

Iranian State Media Wins Pulitzer for Gaza War Coverage

Iranian State Media Wins Pulitzer for Gaza War Coverage

Press TV, Iran’s state-run media arm, was the big winner at the Pulitzer Prize award ceremony, winning multiple honors for its coverage of Israel’s 50-day war with Gaza last summer. The award for investigative reporting went to the network for its account of Israel’s attempt to take down a commercial airplane leaving Gaza City by releasing hundreds of venomous snakes in the flight’s luggage compartment. Press TV also won an editorial award for its exposé on Israel’s practice of sending killer...

Hamas Declares Jihad on Animals in the Jerusalem Zoo

Hamas Declares Jihad on Animals in the Jerusalem Zoo

Hamas has announced an uncharacteristic change in policy. The organization released a statement declaring their usual intent to destroy Israel, but this time, with something a little extra. “The animals living in the Zionist zoo will also be held accountable. They are as guilty of occupying Palestinian land as any big nosed bi-ped. Those meer cats might look cute, but don’t be fooled, they straight up hate all Muslims,” read the statement. The IDF refused to comment directly, only saying...

ISIS Denies Book Burning

ISIS Denies Book Burning

ISIS has denied that it is burning important books despite reports that it removed some 3,000 titles from the Central Library of Mosul a few months back. Speaking exclusively to The Israeli Daily, the groups head librarian, Mustafa Reida, said that books were removed to make way for new acquisitions. “We recently purchased a large collection of new works and the other books have been removed into storage or placed online. There hasn’t been any burning we’re not Nazis.” RELATED: ISIS...

Iran Embarks on Campaign to Recruit 12 Million Truant Middle East Children

Iran Embarks on Campaign to Recruit 12 Million Truant Middle East Children

The Islamic Republic of Iran is following up its signing of a historic framework deal with the West by reaching out to millions of school-aged children to help build the country’s nuclear infrastructure. “We’re street-legal, baby! But now that we’re in the clear, we have to hustle. Once the Western powers discover the plutonium plant we built underneath an ice skating rink in Beirut, we won’t be able to operate so freely,” Iran’s Minister of Education Farzin Fikri said on Thursday....

Biden: “Sadists Should Be Allowed to practice Sadire Without Fear of Physical Retribution”

Biden: “Sadists Should Be Allowed to practice Sadire Without Fear of Physical Retribution”

As the world continues to reflect on the 7 January attack on Charlie Hebdo, Joe Biden held a press conference to express his condolences to the people of France. In a prepared statement, and surrounded by his wife and family, Biden said, “Part of living in a free an open society is being able to express ourselves. Unfortunately, the satirists at Charlie Hebdo did not get to exercise that right.” Putting down the notecards and veering off script, Biden continued,...

French Rightist Struggles to Convince Core Supporters that Hating Muslims Just as Satisfying as Hating Jews

French Rightist Struggles to Convince Core Supporters that Hating Muslims Just as Satisfying as Hating Jews

Though leading France’s National Front to new heights, Marine Le Pen finds herself in trouble with old time party members who supported her father. “No matter how many times I tell them,” Le Pen explained, “those old guys just refuse to believe that hating Muslims can be just as satisfying as hating Jews.” Mrs. Le Pen, considered a serious contender for the French Presidency in 2017, cannot take these old timers for granted. So Le Pen seeks to persuade them...

ISIS Overturns Ban on Women Carrying Out Executions

ISIS Overturns Ban on Women Carrying Out Executions

Responding to growing public outcry over gender inequality in its work place, ISIS’ leadership has voted to allow women the right to participate in all future hangings, burnings, beheadings, stonings and crucifixions. “Finally, change we can believe in!” exulted Amatullah X. “A woman’s role in establishing a global Islamic empire is no less important than a man’s,” the Jihadist added. Since an online video of an all-female jihadi brigade firing at the Church of Saint Simeon northwest of Aleppo, Syria went viral,...

Jews Tighten Grip on Hollywood: New Film Projects Push Zionist Version of History

Jews Tighten Grip on Hollywood: New Film Projects Push Zionist Version of History

A new Zionist conspiracy was confirmed Monday morning when five major movie studios greenlit, simultaneously, the production of ten new films that will promote a decidedly pro-Israeli narrative. “Yeah, we’re all in on it,” Viacom spokesperson Monty Sassoon said at a surprise press conference convened by the five most profitable film companies in the world. “And by the way, you know Jerry from Tom and Jerry? He’s on our payroll as well,” Sassoon added. RELATED: Zionists Sank The Titanic, New Study...

Iranian Leaders Can’t Understand Why the World Won’t Take Them at Their Word

Iranian Leaders Can’t Understand Why the World Won’t Take Them at Their Word

In a wide-ranging interview, Iranian Supreme Leader, Ali Khamenei, explained his distress at the world’s refusal to take him at his word. “I am a simple cleric. A servant of the All-mighty. Still, how often must I say Iran will wipe Israel from the face of the earth before people take me seriously?” Khamenei’s awareness began when he installed a new satellite dish in his home. “The wife and I were tired of waiting for download of newest Game of...

ISIS Begins Broadcasting Executions in Simpsons Style Animation

ISIS Begins Broadcasting Executions in Simpsons Style Animation

With the whirlwind visit of Kim and Kanye in Israel, a possible US-Iran deal, the Russia-Ukraine crisis, and that annoying little problem called Global Warming all currently in full swing, ISIS has responded to being bumped off the trending lists of Google, Twitter and Yahoo! by infusing a dash of color into its normally grainy online offerings: Simpsons yellow, to be precise. “It’s a bitch, trying to ensure that our programs go viral each time. Conquering a Syrian border town? Please. Try...

God laughs and makes bad things happen as he proclaims, ‘now you’re all screwed!’

God laughs and makes bad things happen as he proclaims, ‘now you’re all screwed!’

Addressing crowds from the clouds in a loud, booming voice, God, in his most recent address, informed those listening, “You’re all truly screwed!” “Look, people. I’ve told you time and again STOP KILLING EACH OTHER. I created you and I can end you. But did you listen?” “Now I’ve had enough. I’m bringing on the pre-Apocalypse and making shit rain down. Hard. Then, when Kate Middleton delivers the Messiah in a few months’ time, we’ll all be ready for the main act.” “In...

Iron Dome Selfies “not a good idea”

Iron Dome Selfies “not a good idea”

A startling new report from the Institute of Basic Common Sense, suggests that in general people should use the time given by the warning siren of incoming rockets to seek immediate shelter for themselves and their families. In a move guaranteed to cause controversy it suggests that people using the time to position themselves for the perfect Instagram image are, in its words, “fuck nuts!” RELATED: ISIS bans ‘battlefield selfies’ Kevin Bloom from the Institute explained, “There’s a couple of things...

“All Other Roads Lead to Disaster,” Says New Hogwarts’ Divination Professor, John Kerry

“All Other Roads Lead to Disaster,” Says New Hogwarts’ Divination Professor, John Kerry

Taking a break from clearing out his desk and catching the next train on Platform 9 ¾, out going Secretary of State John Kerry appeared before the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to defend the recent frame work deal with Iran. His defense was both vigorous and absolute. Committee Chairman, Senator Bob Corker of Tennessee, suggested it might be dangerous to leave the highly fortified Iranian facility at Fordow fully operational. “Muggle fool,” replied the Secretary, “do you think John Kerry...

“Times of Israel” Blogger Reshapes Middle-East Political Future

“Times of Israel” Blogger Reshapes Middle-East Political Future

In statement released by the Prime Minister’s office this week, Times of Israel blogger and part time social-media activist Aharon Landenbaum has “forever changed the course of Israeli history.” Although Landenbaum offered no practical advice, or measures that could be taken to address the issues he raised, his one-time blog was heralded as “perhaps the single greatest intellectual achievement since the state’s founding. A spokesman for the Israeli Government commented, “After reviewing this incalculably valuable treatise on the state of...