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Mosul Man Happily Licks Ice Cream Cone After ISIS Lifts Ban on Blow Jobs

Mosul Man Happily Licks Ice Cream Cone After ISIS Lifts Ban on Blow Jobs

A man has been spotted licking an ice cream cone in liberated territory outside of Mosul. Caliphate law bans ice cream cones and popsicles so as not to encourage blow jobs and other “perverse” homosexual acts. The smiling Iraqi was captured on camera, and experts say the photo will go down in history in much the same way as The Kiss,...

Yemen is Looking Forward to November 9th
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Yemen is Looking Forward to November 9th

With just a few days to go until “The Coming of the Nameless One Who Has Sapped the Energy From Every Single Human Being Over the Past Six Months” – or the U.S. presidential elections as some people still insist on calling it – the people of Yemen are looking forward to regaining their place at the forefront of the world’s attention. One...

ISIS Expresses Disappointment over Twitter’s Decision to Shut Down Vine
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ISIS Expresses Disappointment over Twitter’s Decision to Shut Down Vine

Twitter’s decision to shutter Vine, the six-second video sharing service, has been met with disappointment worldwide, and the reaction from ISIS leadership has been no different. “We are shocked by the sudden removal of the social media platform which brought us such unforgettable generational talents as King Bach, Britney Furlan, and Lele Pons,” stated senior ISIS leader Abu Muhammad al-Shimali....

Survey: Two out of Three Palestinian Terrorists Prefer Subaru for Car Ramming Attacks Against Israelis
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Survey: Two out of Three Palestinian Terrorists Prefer Subaru for Car Ramming Attacks Against Israelis

Car and Driver magazine has released survey results from the West Bank and Gaza suggesting that when it comes to carrying out vehicular acts of terror against Israelis, Palestinians prefer the Japanese automaker Subaru. “It makes total sense. The Insurance Institute for Highway Safety (IIHS) consistently gives Subaru top safety ratings. We don’t want attackers sustaining an injury while running...

Trump Threatens to Release Video Proving Obama, Clinton Carried out Harambe Murder
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Trump Threatens to Release Video Proving Obama, Clinton Carried out Harambe Murder

NEW HAMPSHIRE — At his most recent rally in New Hampshire, Donald Trump dropped a bombshell that has the general public scared, confused and shocked. “Folks, it seems that creating the most violent terrorist organization in the world was not enough for Obama and Crooked Hillary, and nor is the current “reinvestigation” by the FBI into Clinton’s emails. No, something far...

ISIS to Trump: “Could You Please Stop Giving Obama and Hillary All of the Credit for Our Work?!”
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ISIS to Trump: “Could You Please Stop Giving Obama and Hillary All of the Credit for Our Work?!”

IRAQ — In the most egregious case of laughably misplaced credit since Kylie Jenner claimed to have invented wigs, Donald Trump, as everyone now knows, has called President Obama and Hillary Clinton the “founder and co-founder” of the Islamic State. Unsurprisingly, ISIS was appalled at this assertion. “Ugh, I knew this would happen.  Fucking knew it!” said ISIS leader Abu-Bakr...

Obama Confirms Sharia Law During Third Term

Obama Confirms Sharia Law During Third Term

President Obama has announced that plans to introduce Sharia law across America will be fast-tracked once his third term in office begins. In an exclusive interview with Breitbart the world’s leading Communist Muslim stated, “After universal health care, this was always my biggest policy goal but much to my disappointment stuff just kept getting in the way. FEMA prisoner of...

CIA Admits They’re Just not Good at Math
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CIA Admits They’re Just not Good at Math

The CIA has shocked the wider intelligence community by confessing, “we just don’t do sums.” According to Director of Basic Mental Arithmetic, Jim Thomson, “most of the guys and girls here are very much ‘humanities’ students. Ask them to make some wide-sweeping statement about any regional situation, no problem, 50,000 words on your desk by close of play.” However counting...

New UNESCO Resolution Challenges Agency’s Historic Connection to Relevance
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New UNESCO Resolution Challenges Agency’s Historic Connection to Relevance

UNESCO, the Ben Stiller to the international community’s Smithsonian Museum, is tasked with protecting the treasures of different cultures from themselves and each other.  Following the uproar about the Jerusalem Holy Site resolution, UNESCO apparently decided to one-up itself earlier today by challenging its own historic connection to relevance in the international sphere. “We’ve had a presence on the international...

Clinton: I’m as Qualified as Any Male Candidate to Fail at Solving Israeli-Palestinian Conflict
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Clinton: I’m as Qualified as Any Male Candidate to Fail at Solving Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

In a statement to the media today, the Democratic presidential nominee addressed sexist analyses of her qualifications.  Hillary Clinton spoke directly to those critics claiming that America just isn’t ready for its first female President, maintaining her trademark air of stately confidence, with just a hint of bitterness at potentially having the Oval Office snatched out of her hands yet...

Hillary Promises ‘ISIS Reset’ as President
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Hillary Promises ‘ISIS Reset’ as President

Citing the success of her “Russian Reset” as Secretary of State, Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has promised to launch an “ISIS Reset” if elected this November. “While it’s clear that the United States and the Islamic State have gotten off on the wrong foot, it’s about time that we focus on our common interests and work together on key...

Trump Unveils Plan to Battle ISIS by Complaining that the War on Terror is Rigged
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Trump Unveils Plan to Battle ISIS by Complaining that the War on Terror is Rigged

Noting that there is no better way to achieve victory than to complain about the fact that you are losing, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump announced plans to defeat ISIS by constantly complaining that the global war on terror is rigged against the West. In a detailed policy statement, Trump promised that as president, following successful terrorist attacks carried out...