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Israel Joins Saudi Coalition against Yemen…Uninvited
TEL AVIV – Israeli warplanes have reportedly gate crashed the ongoing Saudi coalition against Shia Houthi insurgents threatening the Yemeni Government. Colonel Yossi Fluffer, Head of Aerial Ass Kicking with the Israeli Air Force commented; “We are just sick of people bombing Muslims without letting us have a go first. The guys have been pretty out of sorts since the Syrian...
National Rifle Association Chief LaPierre Demands Obama Give Nukes to Everyone
Weighing in on the nuclear deal between the United States and Iran, NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre demanded that the U.S. provide nuclear weapons to all of Iran’s enemies and regional competitors including Saudi Arabia, ISIS and a host of opposition groups in Syria and Iraq. “Only a good Ayatollah with a nuke can stop a bad Ayatollah with a nuke,” LaPierre...
Iran Declared a Planet, Israel Approves New Settlement Construction on Pluto
The International Astronomical Union (IAU) voted to upgrade the Islamic Republic of Iran’s status to that of Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus and Neptune. “Iran fits all the criteria of a planet. First, it orbits around the sun. Second, it’s massive enough for its own gravity to make other countries shrink. Third, Iran is currently clearing the neighborhood around its orbit,” declared...
God keeping his plague skills sharp
With the weather unpredictably fluctuating on a global scale, God is making sure his plague skills stay sharp by practicing with hail and water columns across certain parts of Israel. This is reportedly in order to remind Israel and the Middle East that He’s the same God that brought plagues, split the sea and has still god, er, got it. As...
ISIS Announces Halt in Attacks on US Following News of Brangelina Split
Saying that strikes against the U.S. would be “heartless, gratuitous, and entirely inappropriate at the moment,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi announced a temporary unilateral ceasefire against America following the breakup of Hollywood’s most powerful celebrity couple, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. “In light of recent events, we have suspended indefinitely all operations against the United States and ask our...
BREAKING: U.S. Planes Bombard ISIS Capital with Dildos
A squadron of C-130J Super Hercules attacked the Islamic State’s de facto capital, Raqqa, early this morning, airdropping hundreds of thousands of sex toys and tubes of lubricants in a pre-dawn mission. According to a statement released by U.S. Central Command, the packages – signed “With Love from America” – included a variety of dildos, nipple clamps and anal beads inscribed in...
Longing for the 1990s, Alleged Manhattan Bomber Pledges Allegiance to al-Qaeda
Saying he longed for a simpler time – when the economy was booming, Third Eye Blind was on the radio, and jihadist terrorist groups were hidden in the caves of the Hindu Kush – Manhattan bombing suspect Ahmad Khan Rahami has pledged allegiance to classic 1990s terror group al Qaeda. “I’m just not into groups like ISIS sending out tweets...
Iran Denies US Navy Harassment Allegations, Claims Patrol Ships Begged for it
As the US military continues to accuse the Islamic Republic of harassing US Navy ships in the Persian Gulf, Tehran maintains that American vessels are actually leading Iranian forces on. “These American military officials: their lips say ‘no’ but their ships say ‘yes’,” Iranian Revolutionary Guard Corps Commander Freddie Farhadi asserted. “American patrol ships are the whores of the high...
Anti-Israel UC Irvine Students Peacefully Scare the Shit Out of Jewish Students
The UC Irvine chapter of Students for Justice in Palestine (SJP) disrupted a showing of the Israeli film “Beneath the Helmet” by yelling obscenities, physically blocking students, and attempting to force their way into the room where the event was being held. When asked for comment, SJP President Celine Qussiny expressed pride over how the organization peacefully physically intimidated the...
UC Berkeley Hires Leading Palestinian Religious Leader to Teach Sex Ed. Course
University of California, Berkeley has responded proactively to critics who claim that the school trampled on academic freedom when it suspended a Palestinian history class. Administrators have hired prominent Palestinian religious figure Arash al-Rimi to teach a new one-credit Gender Studies course titled ‘Palestine: Getting Laid under the Zionist Jackboot.’ While the ‘Palestine: A Colonial Settler Analysis’ course was subsequently...
Passive-Aggressive Obama Facebook Tags Everyone but Netanyahu in UN Group Photo
In yet another sign of their frosty relationship, U.S. President Barack Obama neglected to tag Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu in a group Facebook photo of world leaders at the recent United Nations General Assembly meeting in New York. Calling the incident “a grave insult to every Jew, Holocaust victim and democracy-loving fighter of global terror,” Netanyahu told the Sheldon...
Moderate Rebels Have Killed Over 5,000 Americans on U.S. Soil Since 9/11
‘Moderate rebels’ loyal to the Obama regime have reportedly killed over 5,000 Americans on US soil since the beginning of the War on Terror. The rebels appear to be a well organized and heavily armed militia with different factions spread across the country operating under the broad umbrella name ‘the police’. Different factions are responsible for enforcing certain laws and...
Emmys Snub For ISIS Film Producer Left off In Memoriam Reel
The 2016 Emmy Awards paid homage to the many stars who died this past year with its “In Memoriam” tribute on Sunday, September 18. However, the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences failed to include several creative powerhouses who passed away in the reel, angering people around the world. Fans of ISIS propaganda video mega-producer Wa’il Adil Hasan Salman al-Fayad,...
Obama to Hire Muslim Refugee Cops So Americans Can Agree On Who to Hate
In a move aimed at uniting a country bitterly divided over who to be afraid of, President Obama announced today that he would replace the nation’s police officers with Muslim refugees so that all Americans could once again agree on who they should hate. “We can’t continue on as a country in which half the population is afraid of being...
Experts Baffled as Trump Leads Saudi Election Polls
A new series of polls has political analysts perplexed, as American businessman Donald Trump holds a commanding lead in the upcoming Saudi election race despite holding views at odds with the population on nearly every issue. “Though Trump has called for a ban on Muslims in the U.S., praised soldiers for dipping bullets in pig blood, promised to kill the...
Syrian Leader Quietly Seeks Treatment for Guilty Conscience During Brief Ceasefire
A devastating civil war is wreaking havoc on Syrian President Bashar al-Assad’s immune system, forcing him to suspend his campaign to wipe out any possibility of democracy and seek urgent medical care. “It began with the occasional dizzy spell when government helicopters were dropping barrel bombs on schools, hospitals, old age homes and other critical military targets. But nowadays, he...
ISIS Leader Apologizes for Plagiarizing Obama Speech
Islamic State leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi apologized Saturday for plagiarizing President Barack Obama’s 2008 victory speech saying that he has already punished those responsible. “First, I find out that our speech writer, my sister’s husband Grabbir Bouby, is screwing my half-brother Sahib al-Suq. Then it’s brought to my attention that his replacement, my brother Muhammad’s boy, is dyslexic. Who’s doing...
BREAKING: Gay Activists Paint Egypt’s Pyramids Pink to Protest Arab Homophobia
CAIRO –Thousands of Egyptian locals and foreign tourists awoke to a startling sight on Wednesday: the pyramids of Giza, the only surviving marvel of the Seven Ancient Wonders of the World, had been pinkwashed overnight. While many were at first convinced that the peculiar color was merely a reflection of the desert sunrise, it soon became clear that the ancient...
Trump to Admit Obama Not Founder of ISIS by 2020
Saying that he has always been one to acknowledge when he is wrong, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump is reportedly prepared to admit before the 2020 election that President Obama and Hillary Clinton did not, in fact, found ISIS. “After Mr. Trump claimed that President Obama was born in Kenya and that his birth certificate was a forgery, it was...
ISIS Sleeper Cell Claims Responsibility for Removal of iPhone 7 Headphone Jack
The world is in shock following Apple’s launch of the iPhone 7 without a traditional headphone jack. While Apple attempted to placate the masses by offering Bluetooth ‘airpods’ to replace the old stalwart wired earbuds, many dark-web theorists believe that this signified the beginning of the downfall of Western civilization. These dire projections were validated when ISIS issued a statement formally...