BBC Apologizes for Using Picture of Nuclear Bomb in Story on Miss Israel’s ‘Photobomb’

BBC Apologizes for Using Picture of Nuclear Bomb in Story on Miss Israel’s ‘Photobomb’

From its new London headquarters (image above) The BBC has issued a correction on its story of Miss Israel’s “photobomb” of Miss Lebanon at last month’s Miss Universe pageant, saying the bombing pictured with the story in fact occurred during World War II and was unrelated to the pageant’s controversy. “Earlier today, the BBC shared a picture from a reliable source, Twitter user @MelGibsonFan420, that claimed to be from the Israeli aggression in Miami,” the BBC said in a statement....

Iran’s Supreme Leader to Speak Before Congress

Iran’s Supreme Leader to Speak Before Congress

Earlier this month, Benjamin Netanyahu pissed off Democrats by speaking in front of Congress about Iran’s nuclear program. He and Republican Speaker of the House John Boehner have been engaged in a hot bromance ever since. Jealous and not to be outdone, Barack Obama has requested that Iranian Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khamenei speak before Congress in favor of negotiations. “I think people took his ‘Death to America’ remarks last week a bit too seriously. I mean, when Israel says something...

Doh! Israeli Official Lets the Cat out of the Bag

Doh! Israeli Official Lets the Cat out of the Bag

In what can be definitively called one of Israel’s worst gaffes, a senior official appears to have inadvertently confirmed the existence of Israel’s long-mysterious nuclear program. While many critics have maintained for decades that Israel has been secretly stockpiling nuclear weapons, Israel has remained characteristically non-committal. According to witnesses of the error, a senior Israeli official was having a discussion with a group of other foreign diplomats when he said, “Yeah, what can we do about the Palestinians? It’s not...

Confused Canadian Fighter Pilot Bombs Wrong Middle Eastern Country

Confused Canadian Fighter Pilot Bombs Wrong Middle Eastern Country

A lone, disoriented Canadian pilot has inadvertently joined Saudi Arabia in a bombing run over military installations in Yemen held by Shiite rebels. “I guess I zigged when I should’ve zagged,” Captain Luc Forget said after flipping a bitch midair and returning to base. Forget normally flies sorties over ISIS-held territory in Syria with his wingman, Lieutenant Gordy Furtado. “Gordy had had a bit too much Yeni Raki, at some all-night rave in Kobani. He was retching all over the cockpit as...

Sports: ISIS Makes Splash in NFL Free Agency

Sports: ISIS Makes Splash in NFL Free Agency

A video released early this month by ISIS showing a prepubescent boy participating in an execution has drawn worldwide derision of the organization’s recruitment tactics. As the inflow of combative volunteers thins, ISIS has turned to the world’s leading source of tough men willing to sacrifice personal health and wellbeing for a vague sense of camaraderie and systematized violence: NFL free agency. ISIS’ marquee acquisition is of former Carolina defensive end Greg Hardy, who was signed to a 3-year contract...

Palestinians Are Ready to Elect a New President Who Will Stay Way Past Legal Term Limit

Palestinians Are Ready to Elect a New President Who Will Stay Way Past Legal Term Limit

The results of a new poll were released today, illuminating the view Palestinians have of their leadership. West Bank Palestinians were asked about their feelings towards current Palestinian Authority President, Mahmoud Abbas. Abbas was elected President in 2005, and was slated to serve until 2009. However, he extended his term and remains in power to this day, which is a weird thing for a leader to be able to do. Palestinians polled expressed a desire for elections so that a...

Israel Defense Force in thrilling tie-in with Marvel Film Studios

Israel Defense Force in thrilling tie-in with Marvel Film Studios

In a move guaranteed to delight fan boys everywhere, the IDF has agreed to a ten-year marketing agreement with the people that brought you The Avengers and Guardians of the Galaxy. The move means that from now on IDF operations will not be burdened with such yawn-encouraging names as “Cast Lead” or “Protective Edge” and instead will benefit from much snappier titles and the opportunity for considerable crossover merchandising. Therefore, a newly planned thrust into the Lebanon next Spring will become...

The West Bank to establish ‘The West Bank’

The West Bank to establish ‘The West Bank’

In a surprising departure from the usual subjects of their press conferences, the Palestinian Authority (PA) have astounded regional neighbours by announcing that they are to establish their own centralized bank – The West Bank. A PA spokesperson released an official statement: “It’s about time we look after our own money. Do you know how much foreign aid we get? Well, a lot actually but nowhere near what the Zionists get! Time to start looking out for own Benjamins. Come...

Israel Intercepts One Ton of Radioactive Iranian Condoms Bound for Gaza

Israel Intercepts One Ton of Radioactive Iranian Condoms Bound for Gaza

The Israeli Navy says it seized a ship early on Sunday that it claims Iran was using to smuggle tens of thousands of radioactive rubbers to Palestinian militants in the Gaza Strip. “Electronic scanners detected a floating advertisement for sexual health and happiness,” Israeli Defense Minister Moshe Ya’alon said. “The naughty bags snatched by the IDF on the high seas came in a kaleidoscope of colours, textures, sizes and flavors. However, the entire cache of condoms was also giving off...

Honest Working Youngsters Step Up The Search For Fabled Israeli Gold

Honest Working Youngsters Step Up The Search For Fabled Israeli Gold

A number of European cities have recently seen an upsurge of brave young men banding together in order to search for their city’s Israeli Gold. Having staged successful searches in European capitals such as Paris, Copenhagen, Rome and others, the band of explorers recently turned their sights to London, the capital of the civilized world. Being tipped off as to a group of Israelis huddling secretively in a building, the youths knew this was the signal to act. Carefully removing...

UN troops abandon mission…again.

UN troops abandon mission…again.

In a ‘not-in-the-least-shocking’ move, United Nations peacekeeping troops stationed in Syria have abandoned their headquarters and crossed over into Israel. According to one commander in the UN’s Pack up and Run Department, “It is true that this is the 177th time we’ve ‘pulled a roadrunner’ since the UN was established. But, we will continue the tradition of sending semi-trained, under-paid soldiers from the developing world to really dangerous ‘hot spots’ in order to maintain peace and stability. I mean, come...

Israel is ‘Criminal State’

Israel is ‘Criminal State’

The human rights group “We know nothing about the Middle East” or WKNATME has accused Israel’s government of being a criminal organization. 

“Being a democracy and providing a high-standard of living just cannot be done via legitimate means,” said Sandy Guinness who makes coffee for the teenager that runs their website from a truck stop café outside Dublin. “Israel is mostly Jewish, therefore mostly corrupt. Look, I don’t believe the whole ‘drinking the blood of Palestinian children’ thing but they...

Devil Announces Record Profits Following Israeli Election

Devil Announces Record Profits Following Israeli Election

Lucifer LLC announced better than expected earning results this week, following the Israeli election. While analysts are still studying the documents, it looks as though the majority of the earnings came from one major client. “We gave Bibi the nickname ‘Rainmaker’” the Devil said, lighting a Cuban cigar with the snap of his fingers and adjusting the ‘Customer of the Year’ picture frame on his desk of Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu. “A few weeks ago Bibi came to me and...

Group praised for pointing out the real threat to Israel

Group praised for pointing out the real threat to Israel

Extreme wedding crashers, known as ‘Lehava‘, have been praised for drawing attention to the most pressing threat to Israeli security to occur since Israel’s Independence: crazy Israeli-Jews. For some time analysts have been torn between deciding whether continued moves by Iran to marry long range ballistic missiles with nuclear weapons or the zone of insecurity caused by the fighting in Syria and Iraq were greater threats to the Jewish Homeland. Other, clearly misinformed, pundits have been drawing attention to the inability...

U.S to Move Embassy to Jerusalem; Cites Tel Aviv Rent Prices

U.S to Move Embassy to Jerusalem; Cites Tel Aviv Rent Prices

In a move long sought by Israeli officials, the U.S. will be moving its embassy to Jerusalem, granting the city de facto recognition as the capital of the Jewish state. The State Department insisted, however, that the decision was not due to a change in policy but simply because the American government could not afford the rent on its beachfront Tel Aviv property. “The United States still believes the capital of the State of Israel should be determined as part...

“War on Chametz” Claims First Victims as Rabbis attack Bread Truck

“War on Chametz” Claims First Victims as Rabbis attack Bread Truck

Last year’s Good Matzo collapsed yesterday with the first violence of this Passover season. Masked rabbis firebombed Vinnie Agastino’s bread truck as it rolled through Brooklyn’s Crown Heights neighborhood. While Mr. Agastino suffered only moderate injuries, some four dozen casualties occurred in the form of focaccia and ciabatta loaves burned beyond recognition. A sack of uncounted dinner rolls was also among the victims. Local Rabbi Chaim Gebrochts, Chair of ‘Leaven Equals Death’ and negotiator of the Accords, condemned the violence,...

Leaders of Israeli Left Gather for a Play Date with Palestinian Girl

Leaders of Israeli Left Gather for a Play Date with Palestinian Girl

Following their embarrassing defeat to amateur cartoonist Bibi Netanyahu in the Israeli elections, leaders of the Israeli left-wing political parties gathered at the house of Rada Aburish, a four-year-old Palestinian girl from East Jerusalem. “We came to apologize for our failure at promoting the cause of persecuted minorities, majorities, orientations, disorientations, social groups, Google groups and all those who like blaming others for their troubles instead of taking responsibility for their own freaking lives”, said Netanyahu punching bag Isaac Herzog,...

Killing for Your God Totally Reasonable, According to Recent Study

Killing for Your God Totally Reasonable, According to Recent Study

In the wake of another heroic murderous onslaught by three totally brave and noble guys at the French satirical magazine, Charlie Hebdo, a new study has brought exciting new data to light. Killing on behalf of your beliefs is, in fact, totally cool. Not all religious people are extremists, but even those that are, are totally stand-up citizens, and we totally respect their life choices! And if you’re not currently killing on behalf of your God, you should totally examine...

Abbas to Resign as PA President, Will Relocate to International Space Station

Abbas to Resign as PA President, Will Relocate to International Space Station

Mahmoud Abbas shocked the world early Wednesday morning by announcing his intention to step down as Palestinian Authority President in six weeks’ time and join the International Space Station (ISS) habitable artificial satellite. “My prostate’s the size of a melon. Zero gravity will help with the swelling,” the Palestinian statesman said after the UN Security Council rejected a resolution on ending the Israeli occupation earlier in the week. While other crewmembers are conducting experiments in biology, human biology, physics, astronomy and meteorology, Abbas plans to “close my...

Politician Sucks up to Ultra-Orthodox Rabbis on Sucking-Circumcisions

Politician Sucks up to Ultra-Orthodox Rabbis on Sucking-Circumcisions

In a move that fulfilled a campaign promise – and made near every person who heard about it either hurl or say “WTF!?!?!” – NYC Mayor, Bill de Blasio is moving forward with abolishing the requirement to warn about possible disease transmission when, as part of some Bris (Jewish covenant of circumcision), a crazy ultra-orthodox rabbis goes totally vampire and sucks the blood out of the baby’s penis. You read that right: Suck. Blood. Penis. Now you’re thinking, “didn’t y’all publish ‘Christian Baby...