Israel Intercepts One Ton of Radioactive Iranian Condoms Bound for Gaza

Israel Intercepts One Ton of Radioactive Iranian Condoms Bound for Gaza

The Israeli Navy says it seized a ship early on Sunday that it claims Iran was using to smuggle tens of thousands of radioactive rubbers to Palestinian militants in the Gaza Strip. “Electronic scanners detected a floating advertisement for sexual health and happiness,” Israeli Defense Minister Moshe Ya’alon said. “The naughty bags snatched by the IDF on the high seas came in a kaleidoscope of colours, textures, sizes and flavors. However, the entire cache of condoms was also giving off...

Honest Working Youngsters Step Up The Search For Fabled Israeli Gold

Honest Working Youngsters Step Up The Search For Fabled Israeli Gold

A number of European cities have recently seen an upsurge of brave young men banding together in order to search for their city’s Israeli Gold. Having staged successful searches in European capitals such as Paris, Copenhagen, Rome and others, the band of explorers recently turned their sights to London, the capital of the civilized world. Being tipped off as to a group of Israelis huddling secretively in a building, the youths knew this was the signal to act. Carefully removing...

UN troops abandon mission…again.

UN troops abandon mission…again.

In a ‘not-in-the-least-shocking’ move, United Nations peacekeeping troops stationed in Syria have abandoned their headquarters and crossed over into Israel. According to one commander in the UN’s Pack up and Run Department, “It is true that this is the 177th time we’ve ‘pulled a roadrunner’ since the UN was established. But, we will continue the tradition of sending semi-trained, under-paid soldiers from the developing world to really dangerous ‘hot spots’ in order to maintain peace and stability. I mean, come...

Israel is ‘Criminal State’

Israel is ‘Criminal State’

The human rights group “We know nothing about the Middle East” or WKNATME has accused Israel’s government of being a criminal organization. 

“Being a democracy and providing a high-standard of living just cannot be done via legitimate means,” said Sandy Guinness who makes coffee for the teenager that runs their website from a truck stop café outside Dublin. “Israel is mostly Jewish, therefore mostly corrupt. Look, I don’t believe the whole ‘drinking the blood of Palestinian children’ thing but they...

Devil Announces Record Profits Following Israeli Election

Devil Announces Record Profits Following Israeli Election

Lucifer LLC announced better than expected earning results this week, following the Israeli election. While analysts are still studying the documents, it looks as though the majority of the earnings came from one major client. “We gave Bibi the nickname ‘Rainmaker’” the Devil said, lighting a Cuban cigar with the snap of his fingers and adjusting the ‘Customer of the Year’ picture frame on his desk of Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu. “A few weeks ago Bibi came to me and...

Group praised for pointing out the real threat to Israel

Group praised for pointing out the real threat to Israel

Extreme wedding crashers, known as ‘Lehava‘, have been praised for drawing attention to the most pressing threat to Israeli security to occur since Israel’s Independence: crazy Israeli-Jews. For some time analysts have been torn between deciding whether continued moves by Iran to marry long range ballistic missiles with nuclear weapons or the zone of insecurity caused by the fighting in Syria and Iraq were greater threats to the Jewish Homeland. Other, clearly misinformed, pundits have been drawing attention to the inability...

U.S to Move Embassy to Jerusalem; Cites Tel Aviv Rent Prices

U.S to Move Embassy to Jerusalem; Cites Tel Aviv Rent Prices

In a move long sought by Israeli officials, the U.S. will be moving its embassy to Jerusalem, granting the city de facto recognition as the capital of the Jewish state. The State Department insisted, however, that the decision was not due to a change in policy but simply because the American government could not afford the rent on its beachfront Tel Aviv property. “The United States still believes the capital of the State of Israel should be determined as part...

“War on Chametz” Claims First Victims as Rabbis attack Bread Truck

“War on Chametz” Claims First Victims as Rabbis attack Bread Truck

Last year’s Good Matzo collapsed yesterday with the first violence of this Passover season. Masked rabbis firebombed Vinnie Agastino’s bread truck as it rolled through Brooklyn’s Crown Heights neighborhood. While Mr. Agastino suffered only moderate injuries, some four dozen casualties occurred in the form of focaccia and ciabatta loaves burned beyond recognition. A sack of uncounted dinner rolls was also among the victims. Local Rabbi Chaim Gebrochts, Chair of ‘Leaven Equals Death’ and negotiator of the Accords, condemned the violence,...

Leaders of Israeli Left Gather for a Play Date with Palestinian Girl

Leaders of Israeli Left Gather for a Play Date with Palestinian Girl

Following their embarrassing defeat to amateur cartoonist Bibi Netanyahu in the Israeli elections, leaders of the Israeli left-wing political parties gathered at the house of Rada Aburish, a four-year-old Palestinian girl from East Jerusalem. “We came to apologize for our failure at promoting the cause of persecuted minorities, majorities, orientations, disorientations, social groups, Google groups and all those who like blaming others for their troubles instead of taking responsibility for their own freaking lives”, said Netanyahu punching bag Isaac Herzog,...

Killing for Your God Totally Reasonable, According to Recent Study

Killing for Your God Totally Reasonable, According to Recent Study

In the wake of another heroic murderous onslaught by three totally brave and noble guys at the French satirical magazine, Charlie Hebdo, a new study has brought exciting new data to light. Killing on behalf of your beliefs is, in fact, totally cool. Not all religious people are extremists, but even those that are, are totally stand-up citizens, and we totally respect their life choices! And if you’re not currently killing on behalf of your God, you should totally examine...

Abbas to Resign as PA President, Will Relocate to International Space Station

Abbas to Resign as PA President, Will Relocate to International Space Station

Mahmoud Abbas shocked the world early Wednesday morning by announcing his intention to step down as Palestinian Authority President in six weeks’ time and join the International Space Station (ISS) habitable artificial satellite. “My prostate’s the size of a melon. Zero gravity will help with the swelling,” the Palestinian statesman said after the UN Security Council rejected a resolution on ending the Israeli occupation earlier in the week. While other crewmembers are conducting experiments in biology, human biology, physics, astronomy and meteorology, Abbas plans to “close my...

Politician Sucks up to Ultra-Orthodox Rabbis on Sucking-Circumcisions

Politician Sucks up to Ultra-Orthodox Rabbis on Sucking-Circumcisions

In a move that fulfilled a campaign promise – and made near every person who heard about it either hurl or say “WTF!?!?!” – NYC Mayor, Bill de Blasio is moving forward with abolishing the requirement to warn about possible disease transmission when, as part of some Bris (Jewish covenant of circumcision), a crazy ultra-orthodox rabbis goes totally vampire and sucks the blood out of the baby’s penis. You read that right: Suck. Blood. Penis. Now you’re thinking, “didn’t y’all publish ‘Christian Baby...

Bibi Blames Escaped Evil Twin, Gribi, For Harsh Election Statements

Bibi Blames Escaped Evil Twin, Gribi, For Harsh Election Statements

Netanyahu’s spokesman today revealed that comments made in the lead up to Israel’s recent election regarding Arab voters and blocking a Palestinian state, were in fact made by Bibi’s previously unknown evil twin, Gribi. “The Netanyahu family doesn’t like to speak about Gribi.  He’s their dark secret.  They realized Gribi’s evil nature after the boys were born and locked him away.”  Gribi apparently escaped his cell shortly after the Prime Minister returned from addressing Congress.  Drugging Bibi, Gribi left Bibi...

Operation ‘Frenemy’ begins in Syria

Operation ‘Frenemy’ begins in Syria

Up until now as confusing as Bashar al-Assad’s wispy moustache, America’s war against ISIS in Syria will soon hone in on who the enemy exactly is by incorporating that most effective weapon of mass distraction: the text message. Rebels of questionable allegiance will be sent this electronic message: “USA: BFF or DOA?” Based on their answers, the White House will either increase funding or have the Pentagon throwdown hardcore. RELATED: Saudi pilot earns MVP award for ISIS strike in Syria White...

Israel Begins Construction of Glass Houses in Attempt to Discourage Stone Throwing

Israel Begins Construction of Glass Houses in Attempt to Discourage Stone Throwing

This week Israel announced that it will begin to build glass houses for Palestinians in the hopes that the delicate domiciles will discourage the stone-throwing that has become a staple of clashes with Israeli police. “The throwing of rocks at our security forces has reached unacceptable levels,” a high-ranking Israeli intelligence official announced earlier today. “Look, it’s a well known phrase, ‘people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.’ So that’s the strategy we’re pursuing.” The process of moving Palestinians into...

Assad Admits he ‘Overcompensates’ for his Father’s Belief that He’d Never Amount to Much of a Mass Murderer

Assad Admits he ‘Overcompensates’ for his Father’s Belief that He’d Never Amount to Much of a Mass Murderer

In a wide-ranging interview with The Mideast Beast, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad admitted that he likely ‘overcompensates’ for his father Hafez Assad’s opinion that he wasn’t up to succeeding in the family business. “My father was a very competitive man. Self made. Really liked to murder people with his own hands. So you can imagine what that was like growing up: everyday he’s talking about our neighbor’s kids’ accomplishments. ‘Did you hear Qusay’s crushed another rebellion?’ Or ‘Uday made those...

Netanyahu Blasts Obama and The Media for Taking His Stated Political Positions Seriously

Netanyahu Blasts Obama and The Media for Taking His Stated Political Positions Seriously

After clarifying that his pre-election promise to never allow a Palestinian state in no way meant he wasn’t committed to the creation of a Palestinian state, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu lashed out at President Obama and the international media for implying that his public statements in some way reflected his genuine political positions. “I am disturbed and angered to learn that a private conversation between me and my base has been disseminated through several news sites under the guise...

Abbas Partying Hard at News of Netanyahu Victory

Abbas Partying Hard at News of Netanyahu Victory

79-year-old Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas danced on his desk in a drunken frenzy, sources told TID, after learning of Bibi Netanyahu’s success in the recent Israeli elections. “We were really worried,” said one aide who asked not to be named. “I mean a guy that old. He could fall and break his hip. We begged him to get down, but he kept just screaming that we should get him another Henessy. Then he’s screaming ‘and chicks! I need chicks!’ Like...

Druze Accuse: Jews Abuse Zoo’s Kangaroos; Jews Disabuse Druze, “Whose News Misconstrues”

Druze Accuse: Jews Abuse Zoo’s Kangaroos; Jews Disabuse Druze, “Whose News Misconstrues”

Today, in Jerusalem’s Biblical Zoo, a Druze family accused a group of young Jews of taunting some of the more unusual rescues. They claimed that the Jewish youths were yelling and throwing trash at the zoo’s Australian kangaroo, named Amuz. The two parties began yelling at each other, and according to witnesses, it seemed a fight would ensue. However, the altercation was de-escalated after a short schmooze. Sources say any fighting would have simply been, ‘lose-lose.’...

Must try diplomacy with ISIS, says Iranian President; world cues violins

Must try diplomacy with ISIS, says Iranian President; world cues violins

Iranian president, Hassan Rouhani, recently called for a diplomatic solution to the Middle East’s most recent problem: guys particularly keen on unhooking people’s heads from their bodies. One observer was left wondering, “Look, I’m all for diplomacy but how exactly am I supposed to negotiate when the guy across the table is looking at my head like it’s an optional extra?” Rouhani also referred to the recent aerial bombardments as more ‘psychological’ than military. An ISIS commander quipped, “More psychological...