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Gaza: We Will Donate Our Water to Flint, Michigan, Since No One Else Seems to Give a Damn
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Gaza: We Will Donate Our Water to Flint, Michigan, Since No One Else Seems to Give a Damn

Finally, someone is taking action to help the residents of Flint, Michigan. Flint, which is made up primarily of underprivileged minority groups, has experienced a lead-tainted drinking water crises which has poisoned thousands of its citizens. While many American government authorities are still not doing enough to confront the problem, concerned citizens of Gaza have decided that enough is enough,...

Trump Demands Pussy-Grabbing Space at Western Wall

Trump Demands Pussy-Grabbing Space at Western Wall

Weighing in on Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s decision to scrap an egalitarian prayer space at the Western Wall, US President Donald Trump said he will not return to the country until the government dedicates a portion of the Jewish holy site to pussy grabbing. “Listen, in my last trip to Israel, praying at the wall was really a tremendous...

Trump on Eid Dinner: “I’m Only Going If There’s Ketchup”
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Trump on Eid Dinner: “I’m Only Going If There’s Ketchup”

President Trump has broken a 20-year tradition by not hosting a White House Eid dinner this year. A spokesman for the president confirmed that the decision was taken after it was noted that there are no Middle Eastern dishes that can be enhanced by ketchup. “We looked at everything that was on offer and it became clear that the presidential...

Gazans Not Real Humans Anymore, Decides Everybody
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Gazans Not Real Humans Anymore, Decides Everybody

A suspicious-looking study published by the Palestinian Authority and verified by Israel, the US, and Hamas has found that the residents of the Gaza Strip are not real, flesh and blood humans anymore. The seemingly-false study suggests that the residents of Gaza were all replaced by humanoid android bots sometime before the last Gaza War.  These droids can subsist on...

Trump Blasts Malala, Saying He Prefers Nobel Peace Laureates ‘Who Didn’t Get Shot in the Head’
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Trump Blasts Malala, Saying He Prefers Nobel Peace Laureates ‘Who Didn’t Get Shot in the Head’

President Donald Trump lashed out at Nobel laureate Malala Yousafzai, responding to criticism from the 18-year-old Pakistani by claiming that “a real hero would have never gotten shot in the first place.” “I mean, everyone goes on about how, ‘Oh, she’s soooo brave, and so courageous,’ just because she got shot in the face. I mean, how brave do you...

No One Can Remember What All the Fuss Was About
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No One Can Remember What All the Fuss Was About

Only 36 months since the guns fell silent after the last Israel-Gaza war, the outside world is scratching its collective head to recall what it was so worked up about. The American ambassador to the United Nations was nonplussed, “I seem to recall there were some big bangs and a lot of running around. Do they celebrate the 4th of...

Middle Eastern Dictators Jealous of Trump Over Cabinet Meeting of ‘Blessings’

Middle Eastern Dictators Jealous of Trump Over Cabinet Meeting of ‘Blessings’

Saying that their own supporters had never shown quite such a level of fawning flattery, strongmen from across the Middle East and beyond are reportedly aching with jealousy over President Trump’s cabinet meeting last week. The meeting – in which cabinet members went around the table thanking Trump for the “blessing to serve [his] agenda” – has convinced many dictators...

Linda Sarsour Congratulates Islamic Countries on not Pinkwashing Oppression

Linda Sarsour Congratulates Islamic Countries on not Pinkwashing Oppression

Following the Pride Parade in Tel Aviv this past weekend, many groups and activists condemned Israel for its policy of ‘Pinkwashing’ and congratulated Muslim countries for their continuing oppression of women, minorities, and the LGBTQ+ community. ‘Pinkwashing’ is the accusation that Israel uses its open and inclusive society to cover up alleged abuses against Palestinians. Linda Sarsour – a woman...

Paul Ryan Defends ISIS Saying, ‘They’re New at This’

Paul Ryan Defends ISIS Saying, ‘They’re New at This’

Asking that the public show some patience and understanding, House Speaker Paul Ryan defended the Islamic State and its leadership, saying the group was “new to this.” “Listen, ISIS has only been around three or four years. They aren’t steeped in all the long-running protocols, like the Geneva Convention,” Ryan told reporters. “Who hasn’t, in the first couple years running...

Cows Demand to be Kept Out of Gulf Dispute

Cows Demand to be Kept Out of Gulf Dispute

A spokescow for the 4,000 animals flown into Qatar this week has pleaded that they are kept out of the growing dispute between the country and its neighbors. “We’re just here to do a job. Provide milk. We’re not Shia or Sunni, we’re dairy.” Molly Lovitt, a Holstein already in the country commented, “Of course it’s hard not to discuss...

Needing Change of Scenery, Hamas to Focus on Creating Puerto Rican State

Needing Change of Scenery, Hamas to Focus on Creating Puerto Rican State

Saying that it needed to shake things up after three decades of fighting for a Palestinian state, the militant Islamist group Hamas announced that it will relocate to Puerto Rico and spend an undisclosed period of time fighting for statehood in the US territory. “Listen, we love the Palestinian people and are committed to creating an Islamic state in all...

ISIS Leader Alive but in Hiding Because ‘He Got Fat,’ Source Says

ISIS Leader Alive but in Hiding Because ‘He Got Fat,’ Source Says

ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi was not killed in a Russian airstrike, a well-placed source has told The Mideast Beast, but has not appeared in public in recent months because “he got fat.” “Abu is fine, the bombs missed him,” ISIS chief strategist Sadiq al-Bannon said in a text message. “But he’s been having a little too much shawarma and...

Revealed: Trump Made Seventh Horcrux in Saudi Arabia

Revealed: Trump Made Seventh Horcrux in Saudi Arabia

The true story behind the photo of Trump touching a mysterious crystal-ball-esque object in Saudi Arabia has finally been revealed. According to Saudi Arabian sources, Donald Trump officially created his seventh and final Horcrux by tearing apart yet another fragment of his soul and placing it in a silvery orb in Riyadh. Eyewitness accounts report that after Trump split his...

Everyone Excited to See Americans Back in the Mideast
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Everyone Excited to See Americans Back in the Mideast

Mideast leaders have today breathed a collective sigh of relief on knowing that the Yanks are back! Yes, just when you thought you would all have to sort your own shit out through “diplomacy”, the good ol’ U.S. of A is taking things back ‘old school’ with some 21,000 pound negotiating, as well as re-re-re-training the Iraqi Army, and like four or five...

Turkey, Iran to Provide Food and Water to White House

Turkey, Iran to Provide Food and Water to White House

Saying that it feared its diplomatic isolation could lead to humanitarian crisis, the White House announced that it has accepted food and water deliveries from Iran and Turkey. The move comes after nearly all the administration’s Washington, D.C. neighbors cut off diplomatic relations with the White House following allegations by former FBI director James Comey that the country’s leader had...

Islamic Terror Organizations Condemn US for Withdrawing from Paris Climate Agreement
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Islamic Terror Organizations Condemn US for Withdrawing from Paris Climate Agreement

Islamic State, Al-Qaeda, Boko Haram, and other Islamic terror organizations are growing increasingly concerned that due to Global Warming, there might not be anyone left to kill. In a rare joint statement they condemned the Trump Administration for withdrawing from the Paris Climate Agreement saying “If Climate Change is allowed to continue, there won’t be anyone left for us to kill”. An...