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Mossad Ups Its Game and Uses Pig Latin as New Secret Code
The Mideast Beast can exclusively reveal that the world-renowned Israeli intelligence agency, the Mossad, has plans to up its game and improve its spying capabilities by using new and innovative intelligence methods, including using Pig Latin as its new secret code. “We’ve been slacking lately”, a source told The Mideast Beast. “We haven’t really made any progress on the covert...
Nicaraguan Protesters Contact Mahmoud Abbas for Expert Rioting Advice
Nicaraguan protestors are turning to a new leader, who is an expert in attempts to suppress corrupt government oppression in a crap country where no one really wants to be anyway. “Abbas is the face of the longest-lasting civil protest of our time,” protestor Julio Gonzalez de la Peña stated between rounds of tear gas and pepper spray. “And it...
US Changes Imperial System To Still Not The Metric System
In a surprising development, President Trump, with the full faith backing of the EPA and Betsy DeVos, has moved to officially obliterate the Imperial Measurement System, to unequivocally ‘Make America Great Again’. The new measurements, categorized by the President personally , range in acute specificity from a “Sad Little Marco” to “Yuuuuge”. DARPA is the first government agency to test...
Netanyahu Really Counting on Iran
According to sources, Netanyahu is counting on the Iranians to pull through for him right now. An anonymous aide told The Mideast Beast, “You know with the cigar thing, the submarine thing, the news thing, the telecom thing all starting to heat up, he was really hoping a new war with Iran could shift the tide. There’s nothing like a good...
Natalie Portman Just Really Creeped Out by Netanyahu
After announcing her decision not to accept the prestigious Genesis Prize in Israel, Natalie Portman clarified that she “is just creeped out by Netanyahu.” Speaking to The Mideast Beast, Portman explained, “I was totally down to hit the beaches in Tel Aviv, but then I found out that Netanyahu would be there. Can somebody say creepy? I love Israel and I’m...
ISIS Plans to Strike US in ‘Operation Loiter in Starbucks’
In an attack that could cripple the US economy and the American way of life, the Islamic State plans to send terrorists to Starbucks locations across the country and occupy seats without making a purchase. Memos from ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi to the group’s US sleeper cells describe the strike as the “9/11 of loitering,” as agents will spend...
Natalie Portman Joins BDS, Boycotts Herself
Saying that she has finally come around to support the cultural boycott of Israel, Jerusalem-born actress Natalie Portman is reportedly urging fans not to watch any of her movies. The actress, who last week cancelled a trip to Israel in response to the recent conflict on the Gaza border, has gone to great lengths to make sure none of her...
Trump Orders a Mohammad Bin Salman Burger with Extra Tartar Sauce
At a lunch meeting to discuss the developing Israeli-Saudi relationship, President Trump ordered a ‘Mohammad Bin Salman burger’ with extra tartar sauce on the side. A staffer present at the meeting (who wished to remain anonymous) explained, “We were trying to explain the broader implications of the Saudis officially recognizing Israel. I guess he saw the Mohammad Bin Salman intelligence...
Parkland Crisis Actors Demanding Double Time for Syria Work
The Parkland professional acting troop, unofficial motto, “You Shoot, We Cry”, have been in talks through their agents on requiring extensive overtime payments for their recent work in Douma, Syria. A spokesperson for the group commented, “We’ve been flat out these past weeks and we simply feel that our commitment to our craft needs to be recognized by our Zionist/Anti...
Media Shocked by Attack from Political Left
LONDON – After many months of accusations of bias from the political Right, media outlets have been taken by surprise by attacks from the other side of the aisle. UK Labour’s shadow Home Secretary, Diane Abbott, has lashed out at media over reports that she tweeted a misleading photo regarding joint US, UK and French air strikes on Syrian military installations. Ms...
Trump Asks Why Mueller Didn’t Close Investigation After Syria strike
A baffled President Donald Trump has been discussing with close aides how he doesn’t understand “why people are still insisting I’m BFFs with Putin even after I bombed his other BFF.” “I tried everything, but the Fake News Media won’t listen! The minute I said the words ‘Cold War’ everybody in the world, especially poop-faced Mueller, should have stopped doubting...
Mossad Unleashes Giant Kraken against Gazan Fishing Ships
The Mossad, Israel’s international espionage agency has released a highly trained Kraken to harass and destroy Gazan fishing ships. In a statement released by a Mossad spokesperson, they admitted to previously training sharks to attack Egyptians in the Red sea, as well as eagles to spy on Hezbollah, and of course Flipper Goldstein, the Mossad dolphin to spy on Hamas. The spokesman explained, “Honestly, the...
Fake News Sites and the UN in Demarcation Dispute
GENEVA – In a surprise announcement today, editors of the largest satirical news websites have declared that they are forming a new international organization with the central mission of “maintenance of international peace and security”. Following the UN decision to make Syria the head of their chemical weapons watchdog, just days after Assad’s alleged chemical attack in Ghouta, the conglomerate...
Top 10 Listicles The Mideast Beast Will Thankfully Never Write
The Mideast Beast is your trusted source for front-line reporting on the Middle East, a publication of unimpeachable journalistic integrity that holds itself to the highest standards of meticulous coverage and astute analysis. In fact, unlike other, slower news outlets, we don’t even have to wait for the news to happen to deliver a comprehensive report of them to our readers....
Comey Not in Syria
Reports in from the overnight strikes on Syria have confirmed that James Comey was not hit. The Mideast Beast understands that President Trump authorized the attacks after reading a later-deleted tweet from the Fox and Friends account stating that the former FBI Director would be kicking off his book tour in Damascus. The tweet did not make clear that this...
White Walkers Picket Wall
The Night’s Watch have been criticised by leading human rights organizations for their attacks on peaceful White Walkers picnicking the Wall. The Wall is recognized as the border by all nations throughout Westeros, Essos, and Sotheryos, however, it is not recognized by the White Walkers. Senator Bernie Saunders has criticized the Crows’ tactics saying that use of Dragons Glass is disproportional. “The...
Republicans Warn that Killing Mueller Would Be ‘A Red Line’
Warning that their tolerance for the GOP president’s actions has its limits, House and Senate Republicans insisted that the assassination of special counsel Robert Mueller would be “a red line” for the president. “While I believe the investigation into Russian meddling in our election to be baseless, the president should let Mr. Mueller do his job without interference,” House Speaker...
Trump Asks Israel for Advice on Handling Journalists
Impressed by reports of Israeli snipers gunning down Palestinian journalists, US President Donald Trump has asked Israel’s government for advice on how to deal with hostile media. “When I so much as hint at offing a nosy reporter or point out that CNN is the enemy of the American people, everyone goes through the roof,” Trump told The Mideast Beast....
Trump Bans Queen from US Due to Relation to Prophet Muhammed
Promising to take no chances when it comes to America’s security, US President Donald Trump has banned the UK’s Queen Elizabeth II amid reports that she may be a descendent of Prophet Muhammed. “I am hearing reports, very troubling, that the Queen is actually a Muslim terrorist, and I am issuing a complete ban on the royal family until we can...
Israelis Ask if They Can Leave with the Asylum Seekers
The recent canceled deal between Israel and the U.N. to send African asylum seekers to Canada and Germany has had many Israelis asking, “Can I leave too?” Tel Aviv resident Moshe Goldenbergensteiner told the Mideast Beast, “I attended all the protests to make sure they wouldn’t get deported and then murdered or tortured, and now all of sudden I hear...