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Following his ill-fated decision to throw a pass from the 1-yard line in Super Bowl XLIX, Seattle Seahawks Coach Pete Carroll has been offered a position with the U.S. State Department as John Kerry’s undersecretary. “After witnessing Coach Carroll’s decision-making at the end of the game Sunday, we determined he’d be a great fit in Foggy Bottom,” President Obama announced...

Following the slaughter in Paris, the Stein family’s dinner table was brought to silence when Mrs Stein’s brother, Uncle Mike, explained that “we Jews could learn a thing or two” from those who carried out this act of murder. As his relations looked on in dumb humiliation, Uncle Mike continued, “look, I don’t condone what those terrorists did, but do...

In a move aimed at bringing greater understanding between their communities, the mayors of Raqqa, Syria and Honolulu, Hawaii have announced that the two cities will be twinned. Speaking at separate ceremonies in the two locations because of last minute visa difficulties, the two mayors said that the twinning arrangement would allow for greater cultural awareness between the two communities...

Satirical cartoonist gangs yesterday rioted across Europe through Muslim neighborhoods in an apparent revenge attacks. At press time, 43 Muslims were reported dead, 110 injured, and an uncounted number viciously lampooned. Muslim leaders and politicians called on cartoonists to condemn the rioters. “If satirical cartoonists wish to live in Britain, they must integrate into British civilization,” declared Prime Minister David...

Following the uproar surrounding her photo at the Miss Universe Pageant, Miss America told The Israeli Daily that she did not mean to pose with Miss Taliban and was simply taking a picture with several other models when the Taliban’s representative jumped into the frame. “I was posing for a nice picture with my good friends – Miss Saudi Arabia,...

The Saudi Royal Court said today that it had been taking advice from Vatican officials in how to handle transition in a gerontocracy (a government run by old farts). The sad news of the demise of 90’ish King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz‎ was quickly followed by the pronouncement that he will be succeeded by his spritely 79-year old half-brother Salman. A...

Following a Fox News report revealing that the British city of Birmingham has rid itself completely of infidels, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi announced the Islamic caliphate will be moved from Iraq to the United Kingdom. “I thought the success of the Islamic State was revolutionary, rivaled only by the age of the Prophet Muhammad and his companions,” al-Baghdadi told...

Orthodox Newspaper The Announcer has developed a bit of a crush on Danish Prime Minister Helle Thorning-Schmidt. The adolescent media outlet was reportedly being made to feel ‘all funny down there’ by the blond beauty, after being caught cropping her from photographs of the Paris unity march for Charlie Hebdo this week. The spotty periodical commented, “I don’t want to...

The upcoming embargo of the Eastern Mediterranean party country (also known as Israel) has been wrecked from the start by a lack of things they would actually ever want. The call by professional despot groupie George Galloway for the Northern English city to become “Israel Free” has been greeted by widespread shoulder shrugging and excessive “huh’s?” across the sun drenched...