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Sex rites under Temple Mount bring hopes for peace
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Sex rites under Temple Mount bring hopes for peace

While violent protests continue to flare up on the Temple Mount, 20 metres below in the Western Wall Tunnels, a secret group of Jews and Palestinians are engaging in late night candle lit tantric sex rites, while all of the really angry people are fast asleep. Emanuel Metuach, the controversial leader of the group, explained in an ecstatic voice; “Here...

United Nations Recognizes Independence of Ferguson, Missouri
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United Nations Recognizes Independence of Ferguson, Missouri

In response to the ongoing series of protests and civil disorder the United Nations has drafted a resolution acknowledging the sovereignty of Ferguson, Missouri. “We used to kick ass and take names. But over the last few months, the United Nations has become like the smart, quiet chick in high school. Lots to say but no one’s listening since she’s not screwing...

Ferguson Police taking tactical tips from ISIS?
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Ferguson Police taking tactical tips from ISIS?

A rumored Snowden leak details the Ferguson Police Department’s inability to actually carry out the whole policing thing, and points out that they are drawing tactical inspiration from ISIS to handle the situation because “they just can’t deal.” Speaking to The Mideast Beast’s Chris Peacock, the Ferguson Chief of Police stated, “This just got out of hand really quickly; one...

UN Human Rights Council Declares Bubbie’s Brisket a “War Crime”
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UN Human Rights Council Declares Bubbie’s Brisket a “War Crime”

On the heels of declaring her kneidlach a “violation of the Convention Against Landmines” and her homemade pickles as “barely skirting the biological weapons ban,” The Human Rights Council voted overwhelmingly Tuesday to declare Bubbie’s brisket a “war crime.” Council President Baudelaire Ndong Ella of Gabon made the announcement declaring that “the time had come. The Council cannot sit idle...

Major BDS Victory: Texas Town Changes Name from ‘Hebron’ to ‘Palestine’

Major BDS Victory: Texas Town Changes Name from ‘Hebron’ to ‘Palestine’

Hebron, Texas has changed its name to ‘Palestine’ following pressure from an international campaign to boycott the town and steal the hubcaps off its residents’ Ford pickup trucks. Sammy Sarraf, a spokesperson for the Free Palestine Boycott, Divestment and Sanction Movement (BDS), told The Israeli Daily that the decision of Hebron, located in Collin and Denton counties with a population of 415,...

Conservative Rabbi Converting Every Thing He Sees

Conservative Rabbi Converting Every Thing He Sees

In a scene which aroused smug smiles from the Orthodox Rabbinate and shock and horror from his colleagues, Rabbi Louis Bluck of Ft. Lauderdale’s Congregation Beit Hazerie was seen converting any gentile on which he could lay hands. “I was just coming out after a nosh,” reported witness Herb Rappaport. “And there’s Rabbi Bluck on Sterling Place converting this Latin...

CNN apologizes for giving “balance” short shrift
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CNN apologizes for giving “balance” short shrift

In a regrettable distraction from their coverage of Kim Kardashian’s booty size, CNN has been forced into numerous rewrites of a headline for their story on the murder of several Jews in Jerusalem. “Deadly attack on a Jerusalem Mosque” read the original headline, only to be followed by another beauty of a screwed up headline, “4 Israelis, 2 Palestinians killed...

Palestinian leader Abbas embroiled in investment scandal

Palestinian leader Abbas embroiled in investment scandal

Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas has found himself in hot water recently as revelations regarding his investment portfolio were inadvertently made public through a glitch in his online trading account. Abbas apparently has investments in pork futures and a heavy stake in SodaStream®.  The transaction report – obtained by The Israeli Daily – reveals a pattern of aggressive investing in exclusively...

After GOP Victory, Netanyahu Horrified to Learn Obama Still President

After GOP Victory, Netanyahu Horrified to Learn Obama Still President

After the Republican rout on Tuesday, in which the GOP took over the Senate and increased their majority in the House of Representatives, Israeli officials were shocked and dismayed to learn that President Barack Obama will remain in office for another two years. “Prime Minister Netanyahu called the White House to congratulate Mitch McConnell on his election to the highest...

UN Peacekeepers almost restart Israeli, Egyptian hostilities

UN Peacekeepers almost restart Israeli, Egyptian hostilities

Secret UN communiques passed to The Mideast Beast have revealed that Egypt and Israel came close to renewed conflict last week due to the over exuberance of some of the peacekeepers posted to the Multinational Force & Observers operating in the Sinai peninsula. According to the communiques Indian soldiers posted as part of the force were able to sneak in a...

ISIS Tastes Like Pork Confirms Congolese Crowd
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ISIS Tastes Like Pork Confirms Congolese Crowd

Members of a Congolese mob which stoned to death a suspected ISIS member then ate him have confirmed that irony is alive and well in sub-Sahara Africa. Baba Booboo, a member of the crowd commented, “Pork, definitely pork. Not the best BBQ I’ve ever had, but to be fair cooking conditions were not ideal, what with the general ugly mood...

Iron Dome to Sell Naming Rights to Make up Monetary Losses from Last War
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Iron Dome to Sell Naming Rights to Make up Monetary Losses from Last War

Israel’s Head of Military Operations, Tomer Shalom, admitted today that the Iron Dome, Israel’s air defense system, has officially run out of funding and is now selling its naming rights to make up for the seriously-fucking-insane monetary losses suffered during the recent war. It is understood that the two strongest contenders are currently WAZE and Electra, both of which promise to...

Controversial New Study Claims Palestinian Authority Schoolbooks Teach Reading, Writing and Bomb Making
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Controversial New Study Claims Palestinian Authority Schoolbooks Teach Reading, Writing and Bomb Making

Guided by Messianic visions of blowing up two of Islam’s holy sites, some violent Jewish settlers, or ‘asshats’ as they are often known in Israel, have long asserted that the way Palestinian children are educated is proof of the true intentions of the Palestinian leadership vis-à-vis Israel. According to Dr. Zion Ben-Judah, a senior member of the pro-settler Council for a...

Lady Gaga to address UN in place of Netanyahu
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Lady Gaga to address UN in place of Netanyahu

What next? Justin Bieber addresses NATO?   It has been announced that Lady Gaga will be addressing the UN General Assembly on behalf of Israel, in place of Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, after her highly successful September concert in Tel Aviv. A spokesperson for the PM told The Israeli Daily, “It was a pretty obvious choice. I mean, look...

Clashes break out over who is most annoying “peace envoy”
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Clashes break out over who is most annoying “peace envoy”

The region was thrown into further turmoil yesterday on news that Jude Law was heading this way to contest Tony Blair’s crown as “Peace Envoy You Most Want to Punch” Yuri Jacobson, a fight starter from Tel Aviv was adamant, “Jude is gonna take Tony’s crown. Have you seen his performance in the Congo? Brilliant! Just the right mix of...

US begs England, Scotland for peaceful two-state solution
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US begs England, Scotland for peaceful two-state solution

‘Should Scotland leave? Does England care?   As Britain braces itself for Thursday’s referendum on Scottish independence, the United States – having gone over a week without entering global politics– has begun crisis negotiations with representatives from England and Scotland, attempting to persuade them to enter into a two-state solution. A seasoned negotiator attending the talks in Cardiff, Wales told...

Evangelical Christian tourists radicalized by ISIS
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Evangelical Christian tourists radicalized by ISIS

Foreign Embassies are advising against all travel to Israel’s Upper Galilee region following reports of evangelical tourist groups becoming radicalized by ISIS. Groups of Western God botherers, inspired by ISIS’ presence on Israel’s northern border, have seen an opportunity to further their own religious aims while on tour in Israel. The Israeli Daily (TID) contacted one of the tour organizers...

Report: Kate Middleton, the Duchess of Cambridge, is pregnant with the Messiah
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Report: Kate Middleton, the Duchess of Cambridge, is pregnant with the Messiah

Addressing the crowds from above the clouds, in a loud, booming voice, God, looking pretty proud of himself, announced that Kate had conceived the child naturally and not via Immaculate Conception, which he dismissed as ‘an absolute load of bollocks’: ‘There’s no such thing as an ‘Immaculate Conception’. Who ever made that shit up had some pretty fucked ideas about...