Archives

Bush White House Leadership: Brian Williams Provided All Iraq War Intelligence
,

Bush White House Leadership: Brian Williams Provided All Iraq War Intelligence

In an interview from an undisclosed location, a distressed former Vice President Dick Cheney today revealed that Brian Williams provided the since discredited pre-war intelligence he presented to justify invading Iraq. “Aluminum tubes? The al-Queada Connection? All Williams,” Cheney explained, as he did a fair approximation of human emotions. “And did I mention that Brian told me the meaning of...

Netanyahu to Host 2015 Academy Awards
,

Netanyahu to Host 2015 Academy Awards

In a stunning last-minute turnaround, American media icon and international celebrity Benjamin ‘Superstar’ Netanyahu will host the 2015 Oscars. “Bibi’s so hot right now,” said Academy Awards show producer Tara Trendzini, adding that the Prime Minister has that ‘Kardashian factor’. “He’s someone you just love to hate.” Accordingly, the United Nations expressed their love by calling the event a “war crime”....

Hamas Signs for Disney World
,

Hamas Signs for Disney World

Disney World has unveiled Hamas as their new signing in Florida this morning. The move comes as Qatar agreed upon mutual consent with the organisation to part company after the petro-state expressed disappointment in Hamas’ failure in achieving its objectives of wiping Israel off the map. Disney World has been flirting with Hamas for a while now, since a delegation headed by...

Syrian Refugees File Suit against UN Aid Agencies
,

Syrian Refugees File Suit against UN Aid Agencies

A group of displaced persons from Syria who had fled ISIS-controlled territory for the safety of a refugee camp in Lebanon filed a lawsuit on Monday at the International Criminal Court (ICC) against the United Nations Refugee Agency for alleged false advertising. Saif El-Amin, a toothless man from Raqqa, asserts that “The United Nations promised us a place with a...

ISIS Split Over George Bush Invitation
,

ISIS Split Over George Bush Invitation

ISIS is reportedly on the verge of splitting after the leadership sent an invitation to former US President George W. Bush to become a honorary life member of the Caliphate as a sign of gratitude for his services to Islamic extremism. Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi stood by the decision, “Look here, when Boko Haram in Nigeria attack neighboring Chad the link to...

Israeli-Palestinian Peace Talks Collapsed Over Bottle Deposit Dispute

Israeli-Palestinian Peace Talks Collapsed Over Bottle Deposit Dispute

A report issued this week revealed that Israeli-Palestinian peace talks collapsed last year not over territorial or security disagreements but over Israel’s insistence on keeping all proceeds from bottle deposits raised from refreshments served at the meetings. According to Palestinian sources, negotiators were ready to recognize Israel as the Jewish State and give up the ‘Right of Return’ for Palestinian...

World Remembers King Abdullah, Champion of Women’s Rights and Freedom of Speech

World Remembers King Abdullah, Champion of Women’s Rights and Freedom of Speech

Both during and after the funeral for Saudi Arabia’s King Abdullah, leaders from around the world hailed the Saudi monarch as a fearless reformer who ushered the Kingdom into the 21st century on issues ranging from women’s rights to freedom of speech. “Because of King Abdullah’s bold leadership, the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia has been a champion for women throughout...

Netanyahu Fretted Over What to Give Obama for Valentine’s Day
,

Netanyahu Fretted Over What to Give Obama for Valentine’s Day

Wishing to mend fences with a special someone and ignoring the risk to his standing amongst Orthodox Jews, Prime Minister Benjamin ‘Bibi’ Netanyahu fretted earlier in the week over what to get President Obama for Valentine’s Day. Netanyahu, busy typing terms like ‘pissed off,’ ‘leader of a superpower,’ and ‘gone too far,’ into Google even as Valentine’s Day arrived was...

New Saudi King’s Cabinet is Tubular to the Max
,

New Saudi King’s Cabinet is Tubular to the Max

Saudi Arabia’s new King Salman ordered a major cabinet reshuffle on Thursday that reflects the monarch’s love for 1980s American television. “Even though he’s eighty, King Salman loves the ’80s!” exclaimed Saudi government spokesperson Felix al-Faisal. “His royal freshness’s throne room is filled with classic arcade games; Centipede, Super Mario Brothers, Donkey Kong, and Pac-Man. It’s bombdigity. You think I’m trippin’? Why...

British Prime Minister Defends Torture
,

British Prime Minister Defends Torture

In the run up to the next election, UK Prime Minister David Cameron has admitted that torture is ok by him as long as he doesn’t have to get any of that icky blood stuff on himself. Asked on the campaign trail about the UK’s cozy relationship with Saudi Arabia Cameron said: “I can tell you one time since I’ve been prime...

White House Confirms: Netanyahu’s Congress Speech to be Tape Delayed
,

White House Confirms: Netanyahu’s Congress Speech to be Tape Delayed

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has acquiesced to a request from the Obama administration that his March 3 speech to Congress be broadcast with a 30-second delay. White House Assistant Press Secretary C. Robert Smiley said on Thursday “We do not intend to censor Prime Minister Netanyahu’s address, so long as he refrains from articulating certain words and expressions that...

The Mideast Beast Retracts Following Claims Made by Brian Williams
,

The Mideast Beast Retracts Following Claims Made by Brian Williams

Given The Mideast Beast’s (TMB) commitment to accuracy in reporting and our nonexistent long-term relationship with NBC Nightly News’ Mr Brian Williams, after careful research The Mideast Beast feels compelled to retract the following claims: Brian Williams did not suggest the name ‘Israel’ to David Ben-Gurion Brian Williams was not aboard the Enola Gay on August 6, 1945 Brian Williams did...

Kuwait Jails Persian Cat for Insulting Emir

Kuwait Jails Persian Cat for Insulting Emir

Kuwait’s lower court has sentenced a stray Persian cat to 11 years in jail for allegedly insulting the ruler of the oil-rich Gulf state on Twitter. Bernt Bystrom, Director of the International Feral Cat Initiative, said that the furry defendant, who has apparently fled the country, was not present at the ruling. “Shirazi has hightailed it out of that gilded cage.”...

Palestinians Celebrate Recognition by International House of Pancakes

Palestinians Celebrate Recognition by International House of Pancakes

In another step forward in their search for international recognition, President Mahmoud Abbas today announced that Palestine has now been recognized by the International House of Pancakes. In a tense moment Mr Abbas and his party waited at the ‘Please Wait to be Served Sign’ at IHOP’s Ankeny, Iowa location. Assistant Manager, Aubree Chablis, then approached and guided his party...

Hamas Annexation of Israel For Peace

Hamas Annexation of Israel For Peace

Naftali Bennett (on the right, image above), the leader of the religious-Zionist political party called “Jewish Home” has told the The Israeli Daily (TID) that if he becomes Prime Minister he may consider letting Hamas annex Israel for peace, citing pressure from student unions in the West. “We know the pressures these student unions are putting us under,” Bennett solemnly...

After Super Bowl-Ending Play Call, Seahawks Coach Hired by State Department
,

After Super Bowl-Ending Play Call, Seahawks Coach Hired by State Department

Following his ill-fated decision to throw a pass from the 1-yard line in Super Bowl XLIX, Seattle Seahawks Coach Pete Carroll has been offered a position with the U.S. State Department as John Kerry’s undersecretary. “After witnessing Coach Carroll’s decision-making at the end of the game Sunday, we determined he’d be a great fit in Foggy Bottom,” President Obama announced...

Turkey blames Saudi King’s death on Miss Israel Selfie

Turkey blames Saudi King’s death on Miss Israel Selfie

Stepping into the international arena with a declaration of something completely unrelated once more, Turkey announced that there was something ‘a bit fishy’ about late Saudi King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz’s death. President Recep Tayyip Erdogan (sexy stud in the image above) stated, “The sad death of brother King Abdullah, peace be upon him! is a direct consequence of the Zionist...