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Obama Unveils New ‘Swag Strategy’ Against ISIS

Obama Unveils New ‘Swag Strategy’ Against ISIS

Marrying the understated decorum of Hollywood and the unvarnished materialism of defeating terrorism through job training, President Obama today unveiled what is being called the ‘Swag Strategy’ against ISIS. “This new program is simple. And it borrows from the great cultural strength that is the Oscars as demonstrated by the $125,000 gift bags handed out to celebrity A-listers. If bombing...

US Troops checking next week’s Baghdad weather forecast
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US Troops checking next week’s Baghdad weather forecast

News that US ground forces will be deployed as Iraqi forces inexplicably failed in their duty has caused the website www.weather.com to crash as approximately one million soldiers checked the regional forecast for next week. Likely recipient of another Central Asian campaign medal, Sergeant John Padansky commented, “I guess this time it could be different, I mean we have thrown a...

Vatican’s Swiss Guard Redeployed to Iraq
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Vatican’s Swiss Guard Redeployed to Iraq

The Pontifical Swiss Guard of the Holy See stationed at the Vatican in Rome will be redeployed to assist in the battle against Islamic State militants, but will not be involved in combat, the Rome-based daily Il Messagero reported on Wednesday. “Our Teutonic mercenaries were cramping this Argentinian Pope’s style,” noted Mathias Fluck, a young guardsman. “In the Philippines, the Bishop of Rome made us stop the...

ISIS Fears For George R.R. Martin’s Health
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ISIS Fears For George R.R. Martin’s Health

Today the terror group ISIS released a statement expressing concern for the health of George R.R. Martin, the author of the book series upon which the wildly successful HBO series Game of Thrones is based. The group, well known to be fans of both the book and television series, announced that they would “beseech Allah to provide our dearest George...

Left Coast Moms, Fundamentalist Christians, Brooklyn Orthodox Jews, and Pakistani Taliban Unite to Spread Deadly Preventable Disease

Left Coast Moms, Fundamentalist Christians, Brooklyn Orthodox Jews, and Pakistani Taliban Unite to Spread Deadly Preventable Disease

Combating cynicism about different peoples inability to make common cause, a diverse coalition today united to spread highly contagious, and entirely preventable, diseases. Didactically Insipid People Protesting Your Science (or DIPPYS), brings together smug left coast moms, self righteous fundamentalist Christians, aloof Brooklyn Hasids (ultra-Orthodox Jews), and the Pakistani Taliban (with a little inspiration from Jenny McCarthy). Chairperson, Mrs Fulla Self,...

Bush White House Leadership: Brian Williams Provided All Iraq War Intelligence
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Bush White House Leadership: Brian Williams Provided All Iraq War Intelligence

In an interview from an undisclosed location, a distressed former Vice President Dick Cheney today revealed that Brian Williams provided the since discredited pre-war intelligence he presented to justify invading Iraq. “Aluminum tubes? The al-Queada Connection? All Williams,” Cheney explained, as he did a fair approximation of human emotions. “And did I mention that Brian told me the meaning of...

Netanyahu to Host 2015 Academy Awards
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Netanyahu to Host 2015 Academy Awards

In a stunning last-minute turnaround, American media icon and international celebrity Benjamin ‘Superstar’ Netanyahu will host the 2015 Oscars. “Bibi’s so hot right now,” said Academy Awards show producer Tara Trendzini, adding that the Prime Minister has that ‘Kardashian factor’. “He’s someone you just love to hate.” Accordingly, the United Nations expressed their love by calling the event a “war crime”....

Hamas Signs for Disney World
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Hamas Signs for Disney World

Disney World has unveiled Hamas as their new signing in Florida this morning. The move comes as Qatar agreed upon mutual consent with the organisation to part company after the petro-state expressed disappointment in Hamas’ failure in achieving its objectives of wiping Israel off the map. Disney World has been flirting with Hamas for a while now, since a delegation headed by...

Syrian Refugees File Suit against UN Aid Agencies
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Syrian Refugees File Suit against UN Aid Agencies

A group of displaced persons from Syria who had fled ISIS-controlled territory for the safety of a refugee camp in Lebanon filed a lawsuit on Monday at the International Criminal Court (ICC) against the United Nations Refugee Agency for alleged false advertising. Saif El-Amin, a toothless man from Raqqa, asserts that “The United Nations promised us a place with a...

ISIS Split Over George Bush Invitation
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ISIS Split Over George Bush Invitation

ISIS is reportedly on the verge of splitting after the leadership sent an invitation to former US President George W. Bush to become a honorary life member of the Caliphate as a sign of gratitude for his services to Islamic extremism. Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi stood by the decision, “Look here, when Boko Haram in Nigeria attack neighboring Chad the link to...

Israeli-Palestinian Peace Talks Collapsed Over Bottle Deposit Dispute

Israeli-Palestinian Peace Talks Collapsed Over Bottle Deposit Dispute

A report issued this week revealed that Israeli-Palestinian peace talks collapsed last year not over territorial or security disagreements but over Israel’s insistence on keeping all proceeds from bottle deposits raised from refreshments served at the meetings. According to Palestinian sources, negotiators were ready to recognize Israel as the Jewish State and give up the ‘Right of Return’ for Palestinian...

World Remembers King Abdullah, Champion of Women’s Rights and Freedom of Speech

World Remembers King Abdullah, Champion of Women’s Rights and Freedom of Speech

Both during and after the funeral for Saudi Arabia’s King Abdullah, leaders from around the world hailed the Saudi monarch as a fearless reformer who ushered the Kingdom into the 21st century on issues ranging from women’s rights to freedom of speech. “Because of King Abdullah’s bold leadership, the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia has been a champion for women throughout...

Netanyahu Fretted Over What to Give Obama for Valentine’s Day
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Netanyahu Fretted Over What to Give Obama for Valentine’s Day

Wishing to mend fences with a special someone and ignoring the risk to his standing amongst Orthodox Jews, Prime Minister Benjamin ‘Bibi’ Netanyahu fretted earlier in the week over what to get President Obama for Valentine’s Day. Netanyahu, busy typing terms like ‘pissed off,’ ‘leader of a superpower,’ and ‘gone too far,’ into Google even as Valentine’s Day arrived was...

British Prime Minister Defends Torture
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British Prime Minister Defends Torture

In the run up to the next election, UK Prime Minister David Cameron has admitted that torture is ok by him as long as he doesn’t have to get any of that icky blood stuff on himself. Asked on the campaign trail about the UK’s cozy relationship with Saudi Arabia Cameron said: “I can tell you one time since I’ve been prime...

White House Confirms: Netanyahu’s Congress Speech to be Tape Delayed
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White House Confirms: Netanyahu’s Congress Speech to be Tape Delayed

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has acquiesced to a request from the Obama administration that his March 3 speech to Congress be broadcast with a 30-second delay. White House Assistant Press Secretary C. Robert Smiley said on Thursday “We do not intend to censor Prime Minister Netanyahu’s address, so long as he refrains from articulating certain words and expressions that...

The Mideast Beast Retracts Following Claims Made by Brian Williams
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The Mideast Beast Retracts Following Claims Made by Brian Williams

Given The Mideast Beast’s (TMB) commitment to accuracy in reporting and our nonexistent long-term relationship with NBC Nightly News’ Mr Brian Williams, after careful research The Mideast Beast feels compelled to retract the following claims: Brian Williams did not suggest the name ‘Israel’ to David Ben-Gurion Brian Williams was not aboard the Enola Gay on August 6, 1945 Brian Williams did...

Palestinians Celebrate Recognition by International House of Pancakes

Palestinians Celebrate Recognition by International House of Pancakes

In another step forward in their search for international recognition, President Mahmoud Abbas today announced that Palestine has now been recognized by the International House of Pancakes. In a tense moment Mr Abbas and his party waited at the ‘Please Wait to be Served Sign’ at IHOP’s Ankeny, Iowa location. Assistant Manager, Aubree Chablis, then approached and guided his party...

Hamas Annexation of Israel For Peace

Hamas Annexation of Israel For Peace

Naftali Bennett (on the right, image above), the leader of the religious-Zionist political party called “Jewish Home” has told the The Israeli Daily (TID) that if he becomes Prime Minister he may consider letting Hamas annex Israel for peace, citing pressure from student unions in the West. “We know the pressures these student unions are putting us under,” Bennett solemnly...