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FBI: Syrian Spy Crashed 2014 White House Hanukkah Party

FBI: Syrian Spy Crashed 2014 White House Hanukkah Party

The FBI released a statement on Monday confirming that, “A Syrian General Security Directorate agent was identified and apprehended during the official reception to celebrate the Jewish festival of Hanukkah.” Interrogated by Federal Agents, the spy revealed his motivation for crashing the gala event: “A corned beef sandwich. I was on the rooftop of the Hay-Adams Hotel at Lafayette Square, in the crouched...

“Frozen” out in Iran
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“Frozen” out in Iran

Clerics in Iran have issued a fatwa proclaiming the Disney film Frozen as the greatest danger to Islam since Salman Rushdie. At a press conference in Tehran the head of the Islamic Film Unit, Mullah Farsi Akhtar, explained the concerns. “I came home from a hard day banning indecent films such as 22 Jump Street only to find my nine...

Hamas to EU: Put us back on terrorism blacklist immediately
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Hamas to EU: Put us back on terrorism blacklist immediately

In a move that will result in a collective boner for terror organizations around the world, the EU has removed Hamas from its terror organization blacklist. To add insult to injury, Egypt, a long time foe of Hamas, has recently done the same. However, it appears that Hamas is quite dispirited with the EU’s move. “When we filed our appeal...

Iranian Nuclear Talks Stall Over Demand that Americans Convert to Islam

Iranian Nuclear Talks Stall Over Demand that Americans Convert to Islam

Negotiations between the US and Iran have stalled over Iran’s demand that America forcibly convert each of its 316 million citizens to Shia Islam. “We’ve been making tremendous progress but Ayatollah Khamenei’s insistence that we adopt strict Sharia Law, while understandable, has been a sticking point,” John Kerry admitted. “I believe, however, that if Allah wills it a deal can...

EU Removes Hamas from Terrorist Blacklist, Adds Billy Joel

EU Removes Hamas from Terrorist Blacklist, Adds Billy Joel

The European Court of Justice has removed Hamas from its blacklist of terrorist organizations while adding millions of individuals around the world to it. According to the Luxembourg-based court’s ruling, “Hamas is rough around the edges, no doubt, but those green bandanas are bang on trend. By laying the smack down on this one rascally group of dashing, daring pranksters,...

Netanyahu: ‘Winter Is Coming’
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Netanyahu: ‘Winter Is Coming’

Aides of Benjamin Netanyahu expressed frustration this week at the PM’s new habit of quoting Game of Thrones in official government communications. Aides say they noticed something was off when Netanyahu called a press conference to discuss the recent breakdown in the coalition government and concluded with: “Prepare, my friends, winter is coming.” Reports indicate this all began when the...

Nature Documentarians Capture Rare Footage of Russian Dictator Engaging in Dominance Behavior

Nature Documentarians Capture Rare Footage of Russian Dictator Engaging in Dominance Behavior

Scientists have been delighted by new footage of the Dictator Russian in its natural habitat, ‘the global summit’. Various members of the genus Dictator were once so common that they were considered vermin. Indeed, until recently, the Russian species was thought all but extinct. “Every nature filmmaker dreams about capturing this kind of footage,” declared Hans Treeugger. “We set up our blind to blend in. You can’t...

Hamas Celebrates 27th Anniversary in Gaza with Beatles Tribute Band

Hamas Celebrates 27th Anniversary in Gaza with Beatles Tribute Band

The Islamic Resistance Movement, Hamas, danced the night away to classic Fab Four songs, in honor of the 27th anniversary of the militant group’s formation. Local tribute band Rubber Souldiers stormed the stage Friday night and performed for a capacity audience at Gaza City’s Palestine Stadium. Playing a toe tapping set that brought the crowd of ten thousand current and...

New Jersey Man Arrested After Hamas Leader is Found Using His HBOGo Account
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New Jersey Man Arrested After Hamas Leader is Found Using His HBOGo Account

27-year-old New Jersey native, Tony Marini, was taken into custody by the FBI earlier today under suspicion of connections to the terrorist organization, Hamas. Marini has been denying the association since his arrest. The connection in question? Marini’s HBOGo account. A months-long FBI sting uncovered the fact that Hamas leader, Khaled Mashal, has been watching Game of Thrones via Marini’s...

Iranian Regime Criminalizes Annoying Habits

Iranian Regime Criminalizes Annoying Habits

Iranian President Hassan Rouhani said on Thursday that his office had drafted a law to ban annoying habits ruled to be ‘anti-revolutionary’ by the country’s ruling mullahs. “When I’m at mosque praying with all my heart for the destruction of the corrupt Zionist regime, there’s nothing more nerve-wracking than when some putz bowing next to me starts chewing gum,” remarked...

Special Report: Netanyahu to seek political asylum in the U.S.

Special Report: Netanyahu to seek political asylum in the U.S.

Following his decision last week to dissolve the government, leading to new elections in March 2015, Prime Minister Benjamin “Bibi” Netanyahu has applied for political asylum in the United States. Bibi, who last week accused the Finance Minister of an attempted coup, now says he is no longer safe in Israel. “Look, you’re not paranoid if people are out to...

Breaking News: Al-Baghdadi Disbands ISIS Due to Poor Reception on iPhone
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Breaking News: Al-Baghdadi Disbands ISIS Due to Poor Reception on iPhone

Following weeks of dropped calls and slow Internet access, as well as several failed attempts at acquiring the latest iPhone 6, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has called off the establishment of an Islamic State due to poor cellphone reception near the Syrian-Iraqi border. “In my haste to establish a safe haven for jihadists and a model society living under...

Netanyahu Determined to Replicate American Voter Apathy in Israeli Elections

Netanyahu Determined to Replicate American Voter Apathy in Israeli Elections

It’s election time in Israel again, and Benjamin Netanyahu is hoping to replicate the recent US elections, where only a third of the electorate participated. Netanyahu’s political advisors are white boarding strategies to replicate the same voter apathy in Israel, an apparent silver-bullet for winning elections for conservatives. “We currently get about 70% voter participation,” Netanyahu said. “That’s way too...

Arab League Decree: Israelis Do Not Exist

Arab League Decree: Israelis Do Not Exist

In a bizarre twist today the Arab League voted almost unanimously to extend their ‘Israel does not exist’ policy beyond the government. In a statement to the press earlier today the League stated, “If Israel doesn’t exist, then it follows logically that people from there don’t exist either. We will return to business with this conclusion in mind.” This decision...

Ashton Kutcher Nominated as Secretary of Defense Due to Clerical Error

Ashton Kutcher Nominated as Secretary of Defense Due to Clerical Error

Ashton Kutcher was accidentally nominated U.S. Secretary of Defense yesterday as the result of a White House back-office mistake. The nomination was supposed to go to Pentagon veteran Ashton Carter, but a low-level white house intern added Kutcher’s name instead. “What kind of parents name their kid Ashton?” the intern asked. “Who would’ve thought there were actually two Ashtons in...

ISIS launches S.T.E.M. initiative
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ISIS launches S.T.E.M. initiative

The ISIS Science Directorate has announced that it will be launching a S.T.E.M. initiative to advance the education of science, technology, engineering and mathematics‎. Speaking to The Israeli Daily, recently appointed science minister, Ali bin Khalifa, said that the Islamic State recognised the need to develop teaching in these subjects in order to secure its future; “Let’s all just be really...

Sex rites under Temple Mount bring hopes for peace
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Sex rites under Temple Mount bring hopes for peace

While violent protests continue to flare up on the Temple Mount, 20 metres below in the Western Wall Tunnels, a secret group of Jews and Palestinians are engaging in late night candle lit tantric sex rites, while all of the really angry people are fast asleep. Emanuel Metuach, the controversial leader of the group, explained in an ecstatic voice; “Here...

United Nations Recognizes Independence of Ferguson, Missouri

United Nations Recognizes Independence of Ferguson, Missouri

In response to the ongoing series of protests and civil disorder the United Nations has drafted a resolution acknowledging the sovereignty of Ferguson, Missouri. “We used to kick ass and take names. But over the last few months, the United Nations has become like the smart, quiet chick in high school. Lots to say but no one’s listening since she’s not screwing...

Iran Nuclear Talks Abandoned as a Result of ABBA Concert
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Iran Nuclear Talks Abandoned as a Result of ABBA Concert

Hard partying senior level diplomats in Vienna have brought the Iranian nuclear talks to a screeching halt. An outbreak of laryngitis has been diagnosed as causing the sudden derailment of negotiations over Iran’s atomic ambitions. On Saturday night, British Foreign Secretary Philip Hammond and French Foreign Minister Laurent Fabius were seen slam dancing during ’80s night at Fledermaus, one of...