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The Men From E.V.I.L.
Naftali Bennett, Israel’s Minister of Economy and man that gives new meaning to ‘right-wing’ has announced he has endorsed the efforts of a bloc of nations in the UN self-styled E.V.I.L. who have condemned the lack of recognition by the Security Council of their villainous antics. E.V.I.L., which stands for Every Violation In Law, is a campaign group started by...
Israeli Left Begins Shame Spiral So Intense It Results in Formation of Guilt Black Hole
Panic overtook Jerusalem today as a black hole formed in central Israel. The event was caused by the continued accumulation of guilt by the Israeli left, until their shame became so dense that it collapsed in on itself, creating a singularity. Having been described as “being ashamed of their own existence,” the Left Wing have long been criticized for ignoring...
Apparently Libya Had A Prime Minister
Despite Libyan Prime Minister Abdullah al-Thinni resigning a while back, and yet staying in power until a new government can be formed, has been greeted with global confusion as people try to come to terms with the fact that Libya apparently had some sort of ‘government’ to begin with. Regional analyst Brian Junkie was surprised, “They had what now? Really? Are you...
Surprise Israeli Military Drill Practices Shooting Down US Fighter Planes
Footage of a military exercise filmed by Israeli television on Monday shows thousands of soldiers operating hundreds of Iron Dome air defense batteries in an apparent simulated response to an attack by the United States Air Force. “The drill had absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with the rumor that President Obama threatened to shoot down our planes in 2014. Pure...
Azerbaijan Recognizes Israel’s Right to Replace Palestinian Leader Mahmoud Abbas
Azerbaijani lawmakers backed a non-binding resolution on Monday that recognizes Israel’s decision to break off peace negotiations with the Palestinian Authority as legitimate. “These peace talks have been in pre-production since the silent era,” noted Second Deputy Prime Minister of Azerbaijan Ferid Yaakinov. “Simply put: Mahmoud Abbas isn’t delivering a believable performance as Israel’s peace partner. Israel would be crazy...
ISIS Holds Emergency Meeting to Choose Name for Its War on the World
Senior members of ISIS convened an emergency meeting in response to the long-awaited naming by the United States of its military mission against the Islamic State. The Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Gen. Martin Dempsey, announced that the US-led effort against ISIS in Iraq and Syria would be called Operation Inherent Resolve, after it was decided that Operation “Oh no,...
Not Yemen too!
Middle East rubberneckers have risen up in revolt on the news that they now have to keep track on what the hell is happening in Yemen on top of everything else. Professor William Lyons, Head of Making Complicated Things Seem Simple, at the University of Birmingham, was visibly shaken. “Shia and Sunni militants ‘clashing’, no problem with that. Easy. But who the hell are ‘Houthis’?...
Obama Set to Address Knesset on Comptroller Report Criticizing Netanyahus’ Spending
Following Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s speech to Congress blasting the White House for concessions to Iran in nuclear negotiations, President Barack Obama announced Wednesday he would address the Israeli Knesset on the recent comptroller’s report on the Netanyahus’ wasteful use of public funds on personal expenses. Insisting the move was neither personal nor political, Obama said he felt it was...
Christian Baby Blood Declared Most Popular Drink in Israel
The votes have been tallied! Today it was announced that when the heat get to them, Israelis overwhelmingly prefer a refreshing glass of blood harvested from the offspring of Christ followers! The drink, traditionally used for cooking, has surged in popularity as of late, having fallen out of favor towards the end of the Middle Ages. The increase in demand...
Israel as a Jewish* State?
In a clear leap forward for the sorta-kinda-maybe movement, Labor Party Chairman and punctuation mark aficionado Isaac Herzog has proposed an alternative to the Jewish State Bill: the Jewish Asterisk Bill or simply The Jewish* Bill “It’s the perfect way to affirm our identity,” said Herzog. “We’re a Jewish state. Except not really. But pretty much, yeah.” “But pretty much,...
Former Governor Perry strangely praises the Jewish People
Embarrassment reigned at the American Israel Public Affairs Committee (AIPAC) annual policy conference in DC, as exuberant former Texas Governor and Republican Presidential contender Rick Perry took the stage saying he was glad about “all you Jews and Jewesses getting your horns removed so you can be good Americans.” Confused by the chilly reception to what he plainly intended to be a...
One Old Windbag With a Bad Combover Speaks to Congress About a State Most Americans Don’t Care or Feel All That Strongly About: Why is this news?
Tuesday marked the day that Prime Minister Netanyahu officially joined the ranks of America’s most maligned inhabitants: Congressional Representatives. These beings, who according to myths of old, are put in office to make laws, are usually old, out-of-touch, and old. Why Netanyahu wants so badly to rub elbows with these pathetic souls is a mystery, but the fact remains that he...
Netanyahu Just Not That Into Republicans
The U.S. Republican Party is getting on Bibi’s nerves. “I thought it was just going to be casual,” said the Prime Minister, referring to his upcoming address to Congress. “I was just gonna stop by for a nightcap after I finished with AIPAC but now he [Republican Party Head John Boehner] is being all weird about it.” “I’m so excited!”...
Netanyahu Convenes Rabbinic Conclave to Declare Him ‘Pope of the Jews’
Worried about his status as spokesperson for world Jewry, the Prime Minister’s office today announced that Bibi Netanyahu will summon a ‘rabbinic conclave’ to declare the Prime Minister ‘Pope of the Jews.’ Speaking to TID off the record, a close aide explained Netanyahu’s thinking. “At first Bibi was just going to have the rabbis make him high priest, but he...
John Kerry does a little ‘stocking up’ prior to Netanyahu AIPAC Speech
A day before the start of the AIPAC (American-Israel lobby) Conference in Washington long lines of customers snaked through the aisles of Shwayder’s Boozy Emporium, the famous DC ‘beverage’ store. TID correspondent Kid Justin, a frequent patron of the store, caught up with Secretary of State John Kerry at the check-out line. “It definitely takes a lot of supplies to...
Giuliani Declares “Obama Bears the Mark of the Beast”
At a press conference former New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani today further clarified his remarks about President Obama not loving America. “I say to you, my fellow Americans, that Obama does bear the Mark of the Beast. Six-six-six. Did he not rise out of the sea, with ten horns, and seven heads, and ten diadems? Is Obama not like...
Abbas, Khamenei Urge Netanyahu Not to Cancel Address to Congress
While a host of Israeli politicians and Jewish leaders have called on Prime Minister Benjamin “Bibi” Netanyahu to cancel his speech to Congress set for this Tuesday, Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas came out in defense of Netanyahu and urged him not to back down in the face widespread criticism. “Who cares what Obama thinks? Bibi, it’s your duty as Israel’s...
Report: Deal Limits Iran to Three “Nucular” Weapons, US to Give Up Brangelina, Michelle Obama
While the final deal between Iran and the US led P5+1 has yet to be released, TID has learned of several previously undisclosed already accepted compromises. The agreement limits Iran to three nuclear weapons at any given time, though as a face saving compromise, these would be referred to as ‘nucular’ weapons as per the Bush pronunciation. Iran could replace...
Netanyahu Heroically Tackles Comptroller Attempting Audit
Days after Jerusalem Mayor Nir Barkat saw a dramatic rise in popularity after tackling a knife-wielding terrorist, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu announced he has tackled the state comptroller just seconds before the official completed a report critical of the government’s economic policy. Netanyahu, according to government sources, was doing a sweep of government offices Friday morning to collect empty bottles...
Iranian Nuclear Talks Collapse Over Disagreement on Color of Dress
Efforts by the United States to reach a negotiated agreement on Iran’s nuclear program came to a bitter end Friday, as the two sides broke off talks after a dispute over the color of a dress pictured on Tumblr. A deal was on the verge on being signed, according to sources from both nations, when Iran’s Ayatollah Ali Khamenei stumbled...