Recently, the U.S. government released a trove of documents found in 2011 in Osama bin Laden’s compound in Abbottabad, Pakistan, including an al Qaeda job application form. Through an anonymous source (it was Joe Biden), The Mideast Beast has obtained a copy of this form.
Al Qaeda Job Application
Thank you for your interest in joining al Qaeda, the world’s number one terror organization. As you may know, the al Qaeda organization receives many applications and cannot respond to every applicant. Please read carefully and answer all of the following questions.
- Why are you interesting in joining al Qaeda?
- I have a burning desire to unite the nations of the world under the banner of Islam/move out of my parents’ basement.
- I must make America pay for its history of imperialism, military adventurism and Creed’s 2003 Grammy snub.
- I gave up on getting my pilot’s license but don’t want all my flight school training to go to waste.
- Al Qaeda? Shit, I took the wrong application – where’s the “ISIS” application form?
- Which skills do you possess that would be valuable to the al Qaeda organization?
- Excellent networking ability, especially among 20-to-24-year-old middle class virgin men disillusioned by their lack of career and marriage opportunities under the Sykes-Picot state system.
- When I infiltrate America, I’m totally willing to go to strip clubs, brothels and bars in order to keep my cover.
- I have read and memorized the Quran, and think the parts about coexistence and not killing women and children are typos.
- Experienced in decapitation. Oh wait, this is still the al Qaeda form? Where did I put that ISIS application?
- What is your greatest jihad-related weakness?
- I voted for Obama, but just because I didn’t want my friends to think I was a racist.
- It’s not that I’m afraid of death; it’s just that suicide vests make me look fat.
- I can’t stay for more than one night at any cave or terrorist camp without running water, electricity, and Wi-Fi.
- While I’m willing to blow myself up in a crowded market, I’d need to be really hammered first.
- Describe to us your dream suicide bombing.
- I’m 24 years old, I’ve spent half my life being tortured in an Egyptian prison, and I’ve still never seen an unveiled woman; at this point, I’m not picky.
- I’m not a wuss or anything, but can’t I just leave a briefcase somewhere and then catch a flight to Argentina?
- I’d totally take out Kanye; Kim, you deserve sooo much better.
- Suicide what? I just wanted one of those 14-year-old slave brides. Dammit, I’m still on the al Qaeda form.
- Finally, if you could say one thing to the Great Sheikh Osama bin Laden, what would you tell him?
- I really admire your early work.
- I hate America too, though “Ventura Highway” is a bit catchy. We’re talking about the band, right?
- While I renounce capitalism, I can get you a great deal on porn and beard dye.
- When you hear a helicopter crash in your backyard… RUN!!! Don’t stick your head out the door to see who it is!
Thank you for your interest in joining al Qaeda, and for taking the time to fill out this application. A personal courier will deliver your application to Sheikh Osama himself. And don’t worry – nobody’s following the courier.