In another effort to absolve the Saudi regime of the murder of Jamal Khashoggi, US President Donald Trump now says that the Washington Post journalist was “probably not even a real person anyway.” “Listen, we have no proof that this Jamal Pierogi (sic) guy even existed,” Trump said after the CIA released a report concluding that Khashoggi did exist and...
Leaders in the Middle East have expressed a small but nagging suspicion that President Trump’s son-in-law may not be the greatest peace negotiator to ever walk the earth. Rebecca Aarons of the Israeli Center for ‘Will You Just Stop Doing That Because I Swear We are Going To Come Over and You Are Going to Regret It’, commented, “It’s not...
Noting the increasing prevalence of stone throwing, particularly among youths, in the Palestinian territories and in Israeli West Bank settlements, several Major League Baseball clubs have sent their scouts to the region to look for pitching talent. “For years we’ve been hearing stories about how both Arab and Jewish children grow up hurling rocks at cars, tanks, soldiers and American...
Are you a reporter who finds reporting the news on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict incredibly tedious and unvaried? Does it seem like every news story you write sounds the same, offering little-to-no varied perspective or alternative context? Fortunately for you, our idiot brilliant writers at The Mideast Beast have created a template so you can take your reporting to even lazier...
International peace efforts for the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict were recently given a boost by the introduction of bacon sandwiches to the breakfast buffet in Cairo. Dore Steinwitz, professional Israeli apologist, commented, “these are mental! Why did no one ever tell me about these before? I admit that since the invention of the refrigerator, I’ve been a little hazy on the need for the...
HEAVEN — On Thursday evening, God acknowledged that a negotiated settlement to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict “is not in the cards” during his remaining time in power. “While God believes steps can be taken to minimize violence and perhaps set the table for future negotiations, He has determined that a final status agreement is beyond reach for the foreseeable future,” one...
Arriving in Sana’a, Yemen, 24-hour cable news reporters thought they’d struck gold. As CNN’s Bud Fugg explained, “The whole place is totally destroyed. Ruins! What visuals!” Yet as Fugg and his colleagues began collecting footage and talking to locals, they were disappointed to learn that this was pretty much how the city always looked. “Turns out,” reported a mournful Fugg,...
Yemen has tentatively raised its hand and coughed, as the world has lost its collective mind over one journalist. “Hi, excuse me, sorry to interrupt. Sorry to be a nuisance. I’m not sure whether any of you had a chance to glance at the latest UN report? Well if you haven’t, we can summarize for you. So, 14 million of...
Fresh off a string of stunning battlefield failures, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has locked himself in his room and refuses to come out. Mr. and Mrs. al-Baghdadi are at a loss for how to deal with their increasingly distant and willful son, the new Caliph of the Islamic State. “It began when he turned 13, and we didn’t give...
With Americans divided over a series of mail bombs sent to left-wing political figures, ISIS leaders that greenlit the coordinated bombing campaign are kicking themselves over their failure to also send bombs to Republicans. “How could we forget to make sure our victims were bipartisan?” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi complained. “We got so excited about sending bombs to George...
The President wowed a capacity crowd last night at a rally, as he wielded a bone saw over his head. He described it as an unexpected gift from his close personal friend Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman. “It just came in the mail this morning, so thoughtful. He’s just a great guy. I tell you, you know that I know the...
The Islamic State has officially announced its dissolution after scientist Stephen Hawking’s revelation that “there is no God” made the radical Islamist group irrelevant. ISIS, which declared the restoration of the Islamic caliphate in 2014 and has spent the past four years waging a holy war, learned of Hawking’s discovery while reading his recently-published final book. The group initially tried to...
In an exclusive interview with The Mideast Beast, Iranian leaders relayed that they couldn’t be happier with what’s going on with their Sunni brethren over in Iran’s newest buddy, Turkey. Reclining back in their American barcaloungers, one Iranian official said, “Come on, we carry out terror attacks around the world all of the time and we never get busted like...
With the rise of groups like al-Qaeda, ISIS and Islamic extremism in general, the religion that gave the world huge advances in the sciences, mathematics, and medicine when it was younger, is now going through some natural growing pains. “Islam is going through a tough time right now,” Abraham, Father of Nations, said, as he poured a stiff glass of...
Looking to capitalize on excitement over the start of autumn, ISIS has announced a new line of pumpkin spice suicide vests aimed at attracting new recruits. “Martyrs will no longer have to wait until they are in paradise for their reward,” ISIS said in a LinkedIn post advertising an open position as a suicide bomber. “Their final breaths on Earth...
Celebrations have broken out in Tehran following results labelling Iran the leading state sponsor of terrorism for the second year in a row by the US Defense Department’s annual survey. One DoD official’s remarks that “Iran remains the world’s leading state sponsor of terrorism and is responsible for intensifying multiple conflicts and undermining US interests in Syria, Yemen, Iraq, Bahrain, Afghanistan...
Popular author, God, has millions of fans all over the world. They literally worship the ground he walks on, and his best-selling books have sold hundreds of millions of copies. For years, God’s fans have reveled in the ongoing drama of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. The action packed and dramatic saga has been popular news for decades. However some fans are...
Calling it the final phase in their mission to destroy America and turn the whole world into an Islamic caliphate, the terrorist group ISIS launched a new “war of micro-aggressions” against the US this week. “Until the American crusaders withdraw from our countries and accept Sharia Law, our warriors will appropriate their culture, subtly patronize their heritage, perpetuate harmful stereotypes...
19-year-old Hazem Talib assumed he’d be knee deep in warm apple pie after joining ISIS, but he has reportedly been very disappointed with the terror group’s weak poon game. “My cousins in ISIS, Mahir and Hamid, would tell me stories about getting crazy amounts of trim every single day, but I feel like I’ve been spending all my time just...
Turkish officials are defending their actions during the Armenian genocide, claiming that marijuana was found in the apartment of one of the slaughtered Armenians. The results of a search warrant issued 100 years after the World War I-era massacre were released this week, showing that 10 grams of the drug were found at the apartment of a young Armenian killed...
