HEAVEN — On Thursday evening, God acknowledged that a negotiated settlement to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict “is not in the cards” during his remaining time in power.
“While God believes steps can be taken to minimize violence and perhaps set the table for future negotiations, He has determined that a final status agreement is beyond reach for the foreseeable future,” one of God’s senior advisors told The Mideast Beast. “At this point, God’s goal is simply to preserve the possibility of a two-state solution for His successors in His position.”
God, who has grown frustrated with leaders on both sides, will not try to restart peace talks between Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, advisors said.
“There are other parts of the world that needs His attention, and He just can’t be bothered hosting any more futile peace talks,” the advisor admitted. “He gave it His best shot. Now it’s time to move on.”
Though disappointed his previous efforts to end the conflict had fallen short, sources close to God admitted He was visibly excited to never have to speak to Mr. Netanyahu again.