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‘Israelis Not Sexting as Much’, General Security Services Complain

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This week saw the deployment of “digital methods” by the Israeli government to stem the tide of Covid-19 infections and with it, a trove of new information is being made available to the Israeli security services. After the first week they have begun to draw some conclusions, and some of them have surprised Shin Bet agents in charge of intel collection.

“Israelis aren’t sexting as much as we were hoping,” noted one mid-level agent overseeing the surveillance. Another agent told The Mideast Beast that they had expected their week to result in a treasure trove of horny and bored quarantined Israelis, but so far it has been “nothing but flaccid dick picks.”  The IDF’s signals intelligence corps, Unit 8200, confirmed that there had been a downward trend with Israelis sending nude photos on WhatsApp saying only, “we’re stuck on base and all very, very disappointed.”

Both the Shin Bet and Unit 8200 confirmed though that while Israeli women were being more prudish, Israeli men were sending dick-pics in record numbers. “Officially, we refer to it as the ‘douchebag-coefficient’ in our intelligence data set, and frankly it has skyrocketed with the quarantine. Unofficially, it’s fucking gross.”

The general security services have confirmed that, in accordance with the guidelines, the data would only be used to track the spread of those infected with Covid-19, and it would not be saved in a national spank-bank as had originally been planned.

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