Technology

Following Melania’s Successful Campaign Against Cyberbullying, Eva Braun Vows to Fight Anti-Semitism
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Following Melania’s Successful Campaign Against Cyberbullying, Eva Braun Vows to Fight Anti-Semitism

Following Melania Trump’s promise to focus on preventing cyberbullying nearly three years ago, and her clear success at it thus far as First Lady of the United States, Eva Braun has announced plans to combat anti-Semitism both in Germany and throughout the world. “Our culture has become too mean and too rough, especially to Jewish people,” Braun, Adolf Hitler’s longtime mistress, noted....

Israeli Scientists Pioneering New Jetpack that Doesn’t Just Leave Your Stupid Legs Dangling

Israeli Scientists Pioneering New Jetpack that Doesn’t Just Leave Your Stupid Legs Dangling

HAIFA- Engineers at the Technion (Israel Institute of Technology), have announced their intention to solve one of the greatest hurdles to everyday travel by jetpack.  With the popularity of Iron Man and the Marvel Cinematic Universe, an increasing number of individuals and companies have attempted to build working jetpacks.  But regardless of their fuel efficiency, potential speed, or likelihood of...

Trump Vows to Avenge Pilot of Drone Shot Down by Iran
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Trump Vows to Avenge Pilot of Drone Shot Down by Iran

Apparently unaware that the drone destroyed by the Iranian Revolutionary Guards was unmanned, US President Donald Trump praised the “brave and patriotic pilot senselessly killed” and promised payback would be swift. Puzzlingly, Trump even said that he had spoken to the family of the pilot to offer his condolences. “They told me, Donald, you are doing a tremendous job, crooked...

Other Weapon Systems Jealous of Israel’s “Iron Dome”
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Other Weapon Systems Jealous of Israel’s “Iron Dome”

A drive to advance weapons design to the leading edge has backfired on the Israel Defense Force (IDF) as various pieces of equipment have become self aware and developed an overwhelming desire to see Iron Dome, Israel’s missile defense system, “brought down a peg or two”. A Mekarva IV tank from Jerusalem complained, “here I am busting a track to keep...

Trump Challenges Iranian Leader to Winner-Take-All Game of Battleship
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Trump Challenges Iranian Leader to Winner-Take-All Game of Battleship

In another dramatic foreign policy development, US President Donald Trump has threatened to annihilate Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei in Hasbro’s classic board game ‘Battleship.’ In a tweet that reportedly stunned the president’s generals and top advisors, Trump offered to withdraw all military forces from the Middle East and turn over the entire US nuclear arsenal to Iran if the...

Trump Begins Building Wind Turbines in Iraq to Give ISIS Cancer
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Trump Begins Building Wind Turbines in Iraq to Give ISIS Cancer

In a move aimed at dealing a death blow to what remains of the Islamic State, US President Donald Trump has launched a wind turbine-building campaign across Iraq and Syria with the aim of giving the group’s remaining fighters cancer. “Listen, we’ve totally defeated ISIS, believe me, but now we have to make sure all their fighters are dead so...

Saudi App to Control Women Gets Vice President Seal of Approval

Saudi App to Control Women Gets Vice President Seal of Approval

Vice President Pence has signaled his broad approval of Saudi designed app ‘Absher’.  A spokesman for the VP Pence commented, “The Vice President is always eager to see new technology that protects women from the very real dangers of being unaccompanied by a male relative or spouse. Furthermore, he doesn’t really understand why any female would ever wish to leave...

Hamas Announces New Rockets Capable of Hitting Their Own Schools
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Hamas Announces New Rockets Capable of Hitting Their Own Schools

Leaders of Hamas’ armed military wing announced this week that its engineers had produced a new type of rocket with a maximum range of about 500 meters capable of reaching the Gaza Strip’s Hamas and United Nations-run schools. One Hamas commander, Mahmoud Al-Tahabri, emphasized that in the past Hamas had tried to extend the range of its rockets to reach...

ISIS Disables Comments Section on Website Stating, “Too Much Hate”
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ISIS Disables Comments Section on Website Stating, “Too Much Hate”

ISIS Head of Social Media, Aaban Noori confirmed yesterday that the head chopping social club will be disabling the comments section on their official website. “Our moderators were just overwhelmed trying to keep order,” he stated. “There’s clearly something about the anonymity of the internet that brings out the worst in people. Keyboard warriors are so insensitive. Just yesterday we posted...

Drones for Everyone: IDF and Hamas Join Forces This Christmas

Drones for Everyone: IDF and Hamas Join Forces This Christmas

As Christmas has arrived, it’s the gift that everyone is hoping will be under the tree. And, it’s all part of an exciting new joint business venture from the IDF and Hamas who intend to take full advantage of all those godless heathens (sorry, ‘Christians’). Head of Holiday Electronics at the IDF, Colonel Dudu Climaxky, explained more. “I was checking out...

Elon Musk Reveals Plan to Move Middle East to Mars
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Elon Musk Reveals Plan to Move Middle East to Mars

Following the successful launch of his SpaceX rocket into orbit, Elon Musk has declared that his next ambition is to move “the whole goddamn Middle East to the planet Mars.” The billionaire entrepreneur commented: “It’s kind of silly and fun, but the entire Middle East is silly anyway, so what does it matter?” In addition to sparing the remaining earthlings...

Report: Porn Reduces Suicide Bombing
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Report: Porn Reduces Suicide Bombing

Islamic State leaders are blaming an increase in the availability of high quality Internet porn for their inability to recruit enough volunteer suicide bombers. Speaking exclusively to The Mideast Beast (TMB), Islamic State’s Director of the Head Separation Techniques Department admitted that the problem had become so acute that the organization has needed to put a new recruitment drive in place....

ISIS Tweets Tribute Honoring John McCain
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ISIS Tweets Tribute Honoring John McCain

ISIS has tweeted a tribute to the late Republican Senator John McCain, commending him on his ability to bridge political divides and work with those with whom he disagreed. “John McCain and I were members of different generations, came from completely different backgrounds, and competed at the highest level of politics”, the acting head of ISIS said. “But we shared,...

Saudi To Fund Tesla to Get to Mars Ahead of Jews
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Saudi To Fund Tesla to Get to Mars Ahead of Jews

The Saudi Sovereign Wealth Fund has admitted they are in advanced talks with Elon Musk to finance his buyout bid. A spokesman commented, “Let’s be honest the Zionists have won down here on Earth. We need to draw a line under it and look to the stars. Mr. Musk has promised us exclusivity on the first Mars rockets. I don’t...