Technology

European Union Labels Jesus an Illegal Jewish Settlement Product
,

European Union Labels Jesus an Illegal Jewish Settlement Product

The European Union (EU) has decided to label Jesus an “illegal Jewish settlement product from the Israeli-occupied West Bank.” The dramatic decision comes after the European Court of Justice ruled earlier that EU countries must label all Jewish settlements goods. EU’s Foreign Policy Chief Josep Borrell spoke to The Mideast Beast from his Brussels office. “As the world’s leading human rights...

Jared Concerned iPhone Not Working
,

Jared Concerned iPhone Not Working

With the Middle East once again in turmoil, Jared Kushner, who has high hopes of becoming a ‘real boy’ one day soon, believes his iPhone may have malfunctioned. A spokesman for the wooden puppe….. senior advisor to the President commented, “Jared is certain he hasn’t dropped his phone down a toilet recently, so he thinks this might be to do...

Strange Glowing Light Proves Aliens Really Hidden in Iran, Not Area 51
,

Strange Glowing Light Proves Aliens Really Hidden in Iran, Not Area 51

Following what was supposed to be the biggest revelation of the century, millions of people following a Facebook event that pledged to raid Area 51 this weekend were disappointed to find out that the military base indeed held no extraterrestrial life. The United States Military released a statement following this weekend’s events to restate a claim they have repeatedly made...

Following Melania’s Successful Campaign Against Cyberbullying, Eva Braun Vows to Fight Anti-Semitism
, ,

Following Melania’s Successful Campaign Against Cyberbullying, Eva Braun Vows to Fight Anti-Semitism

Following Melania Trump’s promise to focus on preventing cyberbullying nearly three years ago, and her clear success at it thus far as First Lady of the United States, Eva Braun has announced plans to combat anti-Semitism both in Germany and throughout the world. “Our culture has become too mean and too rough, especially to Jewish people,” Braun, Adolf Hitler’s longtime mistress, noted....

Israeli Scientists Pioneering New Jetpack that Doesn’t Just Leave Your Stupid Legs Dangling

Israeli Scientists Pioneering New Jetpack that Doesn’t Just Leave Your Stupid Legs Dangling

HAIFA- Engineers at the Technion (Israel Institute of Technology), have announced their intention to solve one of the greatest hurdles to everyday travel by jetpack.  With the popularity of Iron Man and the Marvel Cinematic Universe, an increasing number of individuals and companies have attempted to build working jetpacks.  But regardless of their fuel efficiency, potential speed, or likelihood of...

Trump Vows to Avenge Pilot of Drone Shot Down by Iran
, ,

Trump Vows to Avenge Pilot of Drone Shot Down by Iran

Apparently unaware that the drone destroyed by the Iranian Revolutionary Guards was unmanned, US President Donald Trump praised the “brave and patriotic pilot senselessly killed” and promised payback would be swift. Puzzlingly, Trump even said that he had spoken to the family of the pilot to offer his condolences. “They told me, Donald, you are doing a tremendous job, crooked...

Other Weapon Systems Jealous of Israel’s “Iron Dome”
,

Other Weapon Systems Jealous of Israel’s “Iron Dome”

A drive to advance weapons design to the leading edge has backfired on the Israel Defense Force (IDF) as various pieces of equipment have become self aware and developed an overwhelming desire to see Iron Dome, Israel’s missile defense system, “brought down a peg or two”. A Mekarva IV tank from Jerusalem complained, “here I am busting a track to keep...

Trump Challenges Iranian Leader to Winner-Take-All Game of Battleship
, ,

Trump Challenges Iranian Leader to Winner-Take-All Game of Battleship

In another dramatic foreign policy development, US President Donald Trump has threatened to annihilate Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei in Hasbro’s classic board game ‘Battleship.’ In a tweet that reportedly stunned the president’s generals and top advisors, Trump offered to withdraw all military forces from the Middle East and turn over the entire US nuclear arsenal to Iran if the...

Trump Begins Building Wind Turbines in Iraq to Give ISIS Cancer
,

Trump Begins Building Wind Turbines in Iraq to Give ISIS Cancer

In a move aimed at dealing a death blow to what remains of the Islamic State, US President Donald Trump has launched a wind turbine-building campaign across Iraq and Syria with the aim of giving the group’s remaining fighters cancer. “Listen, we’ve totally defeated ISIS, believe me, but now we have to make sure all their fighters are dead so...

Saudi App to Control Women Gets Vice President Seal of Approval

Saudi App to Control Women Gets Vice President Seal of Approval

Vice President Pence has signaled his broad approval of Saudi designed app ‘Absher’.  A spokesman for the VP Pence commented, “The Vice President is always eager to see new technology that protects women from the very real dangers of being unaccompanied by a male relative or spouse. Furthermore, he doesn’t really understand why any female would ever wish to leave...

Hamas Announces New Rockets Capable of Hitting Their Own Schools
, ,

Hamas Announces New Rockets Capable of Hitting Their Own Schools

Leaders of Hamas’ armed military wing announced this week that its engineers had produced a new type of rocket with a maximum range of about 500 meters capable of reaching the Gaza Strip’s Hamas and United Nations-run schools. One Hamas commander, Mahmoud Al-Tahabri, emphasized that in the past Hamas had tried to extend the range of its rockets to reach...

ISIS Disables Comments Section on Website Stating, “Too Much Hate”
,

ISIS Disables Comments Section on Website Stating, “Too Much Hate”

ISIS Head of Social Media, Aaban Noori confirmed yesterday that the head chopping social club will be disabling the comments section on their official website. “Our moderators were just overwhelmed trying to keep order,” he stated. “There’s clearly something about the anonymity of the internet that brings out the worst in people. Keyboard warriors are so insensitive. Just yesterday we posted...

Drones for Everyone: IDF and Hamas Join Forces This Christmas

Drones for Everyone: IDF and Hamas Join Forces This Christmas

As Christmas has arrived, it’s the gift that everyone is hoping will be under the tree. And, it’s all part of an exciting new joint business venture from the IDF and Hamas who intend to take full advantage of all those godless heathens (sorry, ‘Christians’). Head of Holiday Electronics at the IDF, Colonel Dudu Climaxky, explained more. “I was checking out...

Elon Musk Reveals Plan to Move Middle East to Mars
,

Elon Musk Reveals Plan to Move Middle East to Mars

Following the successful launch of his SpaceX rocket into orbit, Elon Musk has declared that his next ambition is to move “the whole goddamn Middle East to the planet Mars.” The billionaire entrepreneur commented: “It’s kind of silly and fun, but the entire Middle East is silly anyway, so what does it matter?” In addition to sparing the remaining earthlings...