Technology
U.S. and Israel Totally Fuck Over ISIS With Apple Watch Gift
This week the CIA and Mossad secretly announced pleasure as ISIS operatives accepted a shipment of Apple Watch gifts from their leader, or so they thought. Along with the usual weekly shipment of head-separating equipment, top ISIS officials found a box of Apple Watches with a note saying, “Mabrouk on the hard work. Your leader presents every fighter with 18-karat Gold Case Apple Watches.” Although surprised by the gift, some ISIS members strapped them on faster than suicide vests. “When...
Saudi Mideast Peace Plan Gives Palestinians State in ‘The Sims’
Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman and US Mideast envoy Jared Kushner have reached an agreement to end the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, with Israel keeping all its settlement blocs and the Palestinians receiving an independent state in ‘The Sims’ videogame. The deal, according to sources close to the prince, would see Jerusalem recognized as Israel’s capital, all settlements in the West Bank annexed and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu named as Grand Mufti. The Palestinians, meanwhile, would be awarded sovereignty in...
Trump Drinks Poison After His Twitter Account is Shut Down
Declaring that he would rather die than see his followers forced to live without his enlightening tweets, US President Donald Trump swallowed a small vile of poison after learning his Twitter account had been deactivated. Trump’s dramatic action took place after the president was rebuked for retweeting anti-Muslim videos posted by a right-wing British activist. When he was unable to login to Twitter, he assumed that the site had once again shut him out, though he later discovered that he...
Global Disappointment as Trump Appears Capable of Writing 280 Character Tweets
Despite criticism of Twitter’s decision to double their character limit, there was also widespread hope that 280 characters would be too much for President Trump. Despite declaring himself as having “the best words”, Trump is noted for having a short attention span and being particularly inarticulate, leading many to believe that 280 whole characters might be a stretch too far for the leader of the free world. However, there has been a near-universal disappointment and some surprise at Trump’s ability...
Desperate for Love, Saudi Arabia, Israel Swipe Right on Each Other
Yearning for companionship, and running out of people in their immediate areas, recent reports have indicated that Saudi Arabia and Israel have changed the settings on their Tinder profiles to increase the search distance, and surprisingly, right swiped each other. According to sources close with both countries, the two have been talking nightly, and have even discussed making it “an official thing.” Apparently, the two bonded over their shared frustrations over Iran, a former friend of both Israel and Saudi...
Kushner and Saudi Crown Prince Enjoyed Xbox Play Date
Following a story in the Washington Post, journalists and pundits have questioned whether Jared Kushner had anything to do with the recent shakeups in Saudi Arabia. It claimed, “The two princes are said to have stayed up until nearly 4 am several nights, swapping stories and planning strategy.” Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman recently had several princes and other high profile individuals detained in the kingdom on charges of corruption. After a request from The Mideast Beast, the Secret...
Roy Moore Banned from Saudi Dating App for Courting Underage Girls
In another potential blow to his election campaign, Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore has been banned from the Saudi dating website “OK Muhammed” after users reported him for aggressively pursuing underage girls. While Saudi age of consent laws are far more lenient than those in the US, the dating application’s hosts felt that Moore took things a little too far. “We believe that when two people fall in love, small issues such as age and consent, should not get in...
The New ISIS App Everyone’s Talking About
On Monday, with whatever is left of the ISIS chain of command, announced it had released a new app in hopes that it will make up for the heavy losses of territorial influence over the last few months, mainly from red, white and blue colored bombs. The terror group has made use of the technological skills of some of its captives to program the app. “Learning Swift was a great decision. My skills ensure that I won’t be thrown off...
Palestinian-American Stranded in Detroit After Boycotting Waze
A Palestinian-American has been stranded in the suburbs of Detroit after boycotting his Israeli GPS app midway through his journey. Farid Sabur and his family were heading for Lake Michigan from their New York City home when he decided to explore the settings on his GPS app, Waze. To his shock, he found that the app was produced in Israel. “I pulled over and deleted the app instantly,” Farid told The Mideast Beast. “By this point, we were in a...
Drones for Everyone: IDF and Hamas Join Forces This Coming Christmas
With Christmas not far off, it’s the gift that everyone is hoping will be under the tree. And, it’s all part of an exciting new joint business venture from the IDF and Hamas who intend to take full advantage of all those godless heathens (sorry, ‘Christians’). Head of Holiday Electronics at the IDF, Colonel Dudu Climaxky, explained more. “I was checking out Amazon last week for a Secret Santa gift for this one Christian kid in the unit, and I discovered...
iPhone Autocorrect Accused of Taking Sides in Israeli-Palestinian Conflict
The rebooted autocorrect on iPhone 8 has been accused of making inflammatory remarks on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. The first of many concerns was aired by Neil Rubinstein, who claimed “self-determination for the Jewish people” was corrected to “racism”. When he then asked Siri “what’s the difference between anti-Zionism and anti-Semitism”, she responded that no results were found for anti-Semitism, anywhere in history. Palestinian Ali Bin-Jamal was also quick to point out “Zionist sympathies”. He was still shaking when he recalled...
Israel Reveals Missile Defense System Operated by Fat Kids Playing Video Games
The Israeli Defense Forces have disclosed that their state-of-the-art missile defense system is operated by fat Israeli kids playing video games. The Iron Dome system, which accurately targets enemy missiles and destroys them in mid-air, is one of Israel’s major defensive advancements of the past decade. Gadi Eizenkot, the Chief of Staff gleefully explained the process to TMB: “We link up their PlayStations and X-Boxes to our national defense system. It’s a great way to save money on staff, plus...
Introduction of Niqab Emojis Causes Mass Online Confusion
“What emotion are they feeling?!” asked a befuddled Twitter user earlier today following the release of a new emojis series from Apple. Featuring niqab-clad faces displaying a wide range of emotions for users to choose from, the new emojis came with a statement from Apple, explaining the additions. According to the tech giant, “After we introduced more racially sensitive emoji faces, it just made sense to extend that inclusiveness to different religions as well.” And while many have applauded the...
Cubs Fans Riot Over Metal Detectors at Wrigley Field
Saying that they were being denied access to a venue of nearly religious significance, fans of the Chicago Cubs have kicked off riots demanding the removal of metal detectors at entrances to Wrigley Field. Though the metal detectors have been in place since the beginning of the 2016 season, they were relatively uncontroversial until recent months, when Jerusalem saw riots over the installation of metal detectors at the Al-Aqsa Mosque. “Until the uprising in Jerusalem, I had no idea metal...
Jewish Uncle Shocked to Discover That Not Everything Innovative Comes from Israel
Uncle Morty was shocked to discover yesterday that countries other than Israel are responsible for recent technological advances. Uncle Morty, who is well known in the family for espousing common quips about Israel such as, “Israel created Instant Messaging” and “Israel has more Nobel Prizes per Capita than the US” is now trying to cope with his new understanding of the world. “He hasn’t taken the news very well,” commented Aunt Ruth. “He’s spent the last hour locked in the...
Angered by Criticism Over Fake News Sites, Mark Zuckerberg Joins ISIS
Saying he was furious over criticism that his site had contributed to the spread of fake news leading up to the November 8, 2016 U.S. presidential election, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg announced that he has moved to Syria and joined ISIS. “The claim that Facebook is awash with false and misleading news in completely unfounded,” Zuckerberg told The Mideast Beast. “That is why I have decided to fight the American infidels on behalf of the resurgent Islamic Caliphate. Allahu Akbar.”...
Gazans Not Real Humans Anymore, Decides Everybody
A suspicious-looking study published by the Palestinian Authority and verified by Israel, the US, and Hamas has found that the residents of the Gaza Strip are not real, flesh and blood humans anymore. The seemingly-false study suggests that the residents of Gaza were all replaced by humanoid android bots sometime before the last Gaza War. These droids can subsist on toxic drinking water alone and are impervious to drone strikes and shellfire. According to the PA, before it demanded Israel...
ISIS Disables Comments Section on Website Stating, “Too Much Hate”
ISIS Head of Social Media, Aaban Noori confirmed yesterday that the head chopping social club will be disabling the comments section on their official website. “Our moderators were just overwhelmed trying to keep order,” he stated. “There’s clearly something about the anonymity of the internet that brings out the worst in people. Keyboard warriors are so insensitive. Just yesterday we posted a nice video of our guys marching along with some really cool music playing and the comments section just lit...
Cuming to Skies Near You: Air Aviv to Offer Clothing-Optional “Adults-Only” Class
TEL AVIV – For the first time in aviation history, Tel Aviv-based carrier Air Aviv will offer a restricted, clothing-optional “Adults-Only Class” on selected trans-Mediterranean routes. The separate section – to be located at the rear of each aircraft – will offer five rows of business class-quality seats, each with widescreen flat screen with over 10,000 free adult films, retractable privacy shutters, complimentary lubricant, hand towel and one disposable sex toy per passenger. Exclusive double and triple pods will also be available, and...
U.S. Targets Terror Groups’ Major Weakness: They Hate Layovers
Terrorists worldwide are scrambling to deal with the most recent US security restriction of banning personal electronic devices on planes flying directly to the US from several Muslim majority countries. One ISIS operations planner sounded exasperated when he told The Mideast Beast: “We’ve already booked the flight. Do you know how expensive it is to change your tickets? Let’s just say we’re going to have to sell another priceless ancient artifact.” The new plan from the White House, which went into...