Technology
ISIS Bans ‘Battlefield Selfies’
In a move to enhance the battlefield effectiveness of its fighters, top ‘Islamic State’ commanders have had to impose a ban on ‘Battle Selfies’, which have become ever more prevalent as the terrorist group takes on increased numbers of western recruits. One ISIS commander told The Mideast Beast (TMB), “we’ve had a real problem with this in recent weeks as we’ve looked to consolidate our position in the face of stiffened resistance from the US and its local lackeys.” “It was...
God Announces “Israel-Palestine 2”
Descending from the heavens, God has touched down on Earth to announce a new, massive-real-life-multiplayer gaming experience known as Israel-Palestine 2. Flanked by lead developers and producers, Moses, Jesus, and Muhammad, God explained, “We feel that it’s time for a reboot. Things in Israel-Palestine 1 have started getting a little stale. Don’t get us wrong, everybody still loves the ’48 war, the Suez multiplayer map, and the Yom Kippur ‘hardcore’ levels. We did feel like the Lebanon levels were a...
Laurel and Yanny Mideast Style
In one of the latest viral internet stories, a recording of the word “Laurel” is heard by many as “Yanny”. While the original recording was actually “Laurel”, the alternate version can be heard if the individual has a deficiency hearing certain frequencies, or if certain frequency information is deliberately lowered and others are intentionally increased. A number of similar phrases have been identified in the Middle East, including “We will take down the border and we will tear their hearts...
Deal Reached: Next War Will Be Fought Exclusively in Social Media
As indirect negotiations between Israel and Hamas continue, we have received confirmed reports that the two sides have come to one agreement: The next war will be fought exclusively over social media channels. “This is the direction we see modern warfare moving,” explained a senior IDF official. “Over the past several years, our tactics have shifted to include more blogging in our strategic arsenal, and Hamas now has what everyone accepts is a brilliant Instagram account #nofilter, #thatsnotarocketintheplayground. This next...
ISIS Loses Everything in Bitcoin Crash
ISIS has reportedly been devastated by the recent Bitcoin crash. The Mideast Beast was able to speak with members of ISIS’ investment branch, Jihad Investments and Security Matters or “JISM,” to detail the devastation wrought by the declining prices. “We bought at around $19,000 and now its back down around $7,500. We poured 80% of our budget into this crap thinking we could make a JISM value explosion and save ISIS. We couldn’t have gotten fucked harder if Trump had...
Scientologists Blast Netanyahu Over Alleged Planned Illegal Settlement on Comet
As the world applauded the historic engineering achievement which landed a space probe on a Comet 67P, some observers were less pleased. The Scientologist community was up in arms this past week over an alleged Israeli plan to ‘create an illegal settlement’ on Comet 67P, noting that several of the scientists involved in the Rosetta mission are Israeli and are probably members of The Mossad. “This is an obvious land grab,” one Scientologist member explained. “The cosmos belongs to Scientologists,...
Trump Requests Middle East Intel Briefings as Tweets
The Mideast Beast has learned from White House sources that President Trump has requested all Middle East briefings be delivered in Tweet form. One aide told us, “He wouldn’t read any of the traditional briefings, so then we tried shortening and adding way more pictures but really nothing worked. But then we got the bright idea to just start tweeting them to him. We call them ‘Intelli-tweets.’” The Mideast Beast was able to get a hold of some of Trump’s “Intelli-tweets” “@RT_Erdogan👨🏾✈️...
U.S. and Israel Totally Fuck Over ISIS With Apple Watch Gift
This week the CIA and Mossad secretly announced pleasure as ISIS operatives accepted a shipment of Apple Watch gifts from their leader, or so they thought. Along with the usual weekly shipment of head-separating equipment, top ISIS officials found a box of Apple Watches with a note saying, “Mabrouk on the hard work. Your leader presents every fighter with 18-karat Gold Case Apple Watches.” Although surprised by the gift, some ISIS members strapped them on faster than suicide vests. “When...
Saudi Mideast Peace Plan Gives Palestinians State in ‘The Sims’
Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman and US Mideast envoy Jared Kushner have reached an agreement to end the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, with Israel keeping all its settlement blocs and the Palestinians receiving an independent state in ‘The Sims’ videogame. The deal, according to sources close to the prince, would see Jerusalem recognized as Israel’s capital, all settlements in the West Bank annexed and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu named as Grand Mufti. The Palestinians, meanwhile, would be awarded sovereignty in...
Trump Drinks Poison After His Twitter Account is Shut Down
Declaring that he would rather die than see his followers forced to live without his enlightening tweets, US President Donald Trump swallowed a small vile of poison after learning his Twitter account had been deactivated. Trump’s dramatic action took place after the president was rebuked for retweeting anti-Muslim videos posted by a right-wing British activist. When he was unable to login to Twitter, he assumed that the site had once again shut him out, though he later discovered that he...
Global Disappointment as Trump Appears Capable of Writing 280 Character Tweets
Despite criticism of Twitter’s decision to double their character limit, there was also widespread hope that 280 characters would be too much for President Trump. Despite declaring himself as having “the best words”, Trump is noted for having a short attention span and being particularly inarticulate, leading many to believe that 280 whole characters might be a stretch too far for the leader of the free world. However, there has been a near-universal disappointment and some surprise at Trump’s ability...
Desperate for Love, Saudi Arabia, Israel Swipe Right on Each Other
Yearning for companionship, and running out of people in their immediate areas, recent reports have indicated that Saudi Arabia and Israel have changed the settings on their Tinder profiles to increase the search distance, and surprisingly, right swiped each other. According to sources close with both countries, the two have been talking nightly, and have even discussed making it “an official thing.” Apparently, the two bonded over their shared frustrations over Iran, a former friend of both Israel and Saudi...
Kushner and Saudi Crown Prince Enjoyed Xbox Play Date
Following a story in the Washington Post, journalists and pundits have questioned whether Jared Kushner had anything to do with the recent shakeups in Saudi Arabia. It claimed, “The two princes are said to have stayed up until nearly 4 am several nights, swapping stories and planning strategy.” Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman recently had several princes and other high profile individuals detained in the kingdom on charges of corruption. After a request from The Mideast Beast, the Secret...
Roy Moore Banned from Saudi Dating App for Courting Underage Girls
In another potential blow to his election campaign, Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore has been banned from the Saudi dating website “OK Muhammed” after users reported him for aggressively pursuing underage girls. While Saudi age of consent laws are far more lenient than those in the US, the dating application’s hosts felt that Moore took things a little too far. “We believe that when two people fall in love, small issues such as age and consent, should not get in...
The New ISIS App Everyone’s Talking About
On Monday, what remains of ISIS’ leadership, announced it had released a new app in hopes that it will make up for the heavy losses of territorial influence over the last few months, mainly from red, white and blue colored bombs. The terror group has made use of the technological skills of some of its captives to program the app. “Learning Swift was a great decision. My skills ensure that I won’t be thrown off a rooftop tomorrow,” a captive...
Palestinian-American Stranded in Detroit After Boycotting Waze
A Palestinian-American has been stranded in the suburbs of Detroit after boycotting his Israeli GPS app midway through his journey. Farid Sabur and his family were heading for Lake Michigan from their New York City home when he decided to explore the settings on his GPS app, Waze. To his shock, he found that the app was produced in Israel. “I pulled over and deleted the app instantly,” Farid told The Mideast Beast. “By this point, we were in a...
iPhone Autocorrect Accused of Taking Sides in Israeli-Palestinian Conflict
The rebooted autocorrect on iPhone 8 has been accused of making inflammatory remarks on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. The first of many concerns was aired by Neil Rubinstein, who claimed “self-determination for the Jewish people” was corrected to “racism”. When he then asked Siri “what’s the difference between anti-Zionism and anti-Semitism”, she responded that no results were found for anti-Semitism, anywhere in history. Palestinian Ali Bin-Jamal was also quick to point out “Zionist sympathies”. He was still shaking when he recalled...
Israel Reveals Missile Defense System Operated by Fat Kids Playing Video Games
The Israeli Defense Forces have disclosed that their state-of-the-art missile defense system is operated by fat Israeli kids playing video games. The Iron Dome system, which accurately targets enemy missiles and destroys them in mid-air, is one of Israel’s major defensive advancements of the past decade. Gadi Eizenkot, the Chief of Staff gleefully explained the process to TMB: “We link up their PlayStations and X-Boxes to our national defense system. It’s a great way to save money on staff, plus...
Introduction of Niqab Emojis Causes Mass Online Confusion
“What emotion are they feeling?!” asked a befuddled Twitter user earlier today following the release of a new emojis series from Apple. Featuring niqab-clad faces displaying a wide range of emotions for users to choose from, the new emojis came with a statement from Apple, explaining the additions. According to the tech giant, “After we introduced more racially sensitive emoji faces, it just made sense to extend that inclusiveness to different religions as well.” And while many have applauded the...
Cubs Fans Riot Over Metal Detectors at Wrigley Field
Saying that they were being denied access to a venue of nearly religious significance, fans of the Chicago Cubs have kicked off riots demanding the removal of metal detectors at entrances to Wrigley Field. Though the metal detectors have been in place since the beginning of the 2016 season, they were relatively uncontroversial until recent months, when Jerusalem saw riots over the installation of metal detectors at the Al-Aqsa Mosque. “Until the uprising in Jerusalem, I had no idea metal...