Technology

Obama Accidentally Writes Final Tweet as POTUS in Arabic

Obama Accidentally Writes Final Tweet as POTUS in Arabic

President Obama’s outgoing communications team refused to comment officially yesterday after the President sent out a final tweet to the American people in Arabic, ‘by accident’. “I fucking knew we shouldn’t have let him loose on social media”, one aide stated off the record, “he’s never forgiven us for taking away his Blackberry.” One pundit from the Democratic Party commented, “Look, don’t tell me that none of you have ever been confused with the ‘set language’ options. It happens, and...

In Response to UN Settlements Resolution, Zionist Moon Base Plans Revealed

In Response to UN Settlements Resolution, Zionist Moon Base Plans Revealed

In response to the recent United Nations Security Council resolution regarding Israeli settlements, Prime Minister Netanyahu announced Israel will be launching a space expedition from its Palmachim Airbase to find suitable land to build new settlements on. Naturally, the Obama administration condemned the decision without really knowing why but mainly because of a nagging doubt that if Netanyahu wants to do it, it’s probably wrong: “Jewish…I mean Israeli settlements, have no right to be there,” President Obama commented. Across the pond...

Israeli-Palestinian Problem Solved in Comments Section of Facebook Status

Israeli-Palestinian Problem Solved in Comments Section of Facebook Status

After an intense, and sometimes hostile comments exchange, Jason Silverstein and Shlomo Horowitz, two liberal Jews from Long Island, claim to have solved most final status issues at the center of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Negotiations started when Jason posted a status on Facebook, berating Secretary of State John Kerry’s speech on Mideast peace. Shlomo, a liberal whose closest experience with a Palestinian was his friend at Columbia University who wore a keffiyeh “in solidarity” responded saying that his attitude was...

‘Decepticons’ Claim Responsibility for Jerusalem Truck Terror Attack

‘Decepticons’ Claim Responsibility for Jerusalem Truck Terror Attack

Earlier today, the Decepticons released a statement claiming responsibility for the Jerusalem truck terror attack that left four Israelis dead. This comes after much confusion when the BBC, New York Times, and other outlets published headlines that made it seem like it was the truck that was to blame for the attack. Indeed, as the attack was still in progress, the New York Times ran the headline “Truck Rams into Soldiers in Jerusalem” and the BBC described it as a...

Terrified by Trump’s Twitter Account, the Middle East Prepares for War

Terrified by Trump’s Twitter Account, the Middle East Prepares for War

Several high-ranking Middle Eastern officials have admitted that a Twitter war may be imminent as the President-elect continues his late-night internet war. Intel suggests that several countries are worried and have begun arming their forces with accounts. A spokesperson for Twitter confirmed that sign-ups in the region have doubled to an astounding 180 since the election. A source said that most countries had never even heard of Twitter, and would be defenseless against a late-night attack by Trump. He also...

UN Security Council Deems ‘The Mideast Beast’ a Terror Organization

UN Security Council Deems ‘The Mideast Beast’ a Terror Organization

New York City — Wire services report the United Nations Security Council’s five permanent members and ten non-permanent members have determined the online publication The Mideast Beast a terrorist organization in a vote of 15–0. Citing numerous examples of terror-related reports published on the web and social media, along with overwhelming evidence of the publication’s questionable motives, the council’s unanimous decision could result in UN sanctions. According to one United Nations insider that wished to remain anonymous, “We believe it to...

Syrian Kurdish Women Fighters Release Exotic Lesbian Orgy Video on Pornhub

Syrian Kurdish Women Fighters Release Exotic Lesbian Orgy Video on Pornhub

In what has been described as a daring PR stunt, women fighters in Syrian Kurdistan have produced a 15-minute pornographic video of an alien-themed Sapphic six-way. “We simply weren’t getting appropriate media attention by combatting ISIS through a historical tradition of disciplined military training,” said Berdil Baran, a lieutenant of the Women’s Protection Unit (YPJ) in an interview. “Really, we’re here to fulfill men’s fantasies of domination and surveillance. Destroying ISIS was just a ruse to get the attention of...

Israel Bio-Tech Startup Unveils Anti-Horn Cream for Jews

Israel Bio-Tech Startup Unveils Anti-Horn Cream for Jews

An Israeli Bio-Tech startup announced today that is preparing an anti-horn cream specifically for Jews, which will hit the market just before Hanukkah. The cream will revolutionize the way Jews deal with controlling their horns. For centuries, Jews have been filing them down nightly, a task that could add twenty minutes to one’s bedtime routine. However, the new cream works to prevent horn growth, and is applied briefly after showering. In one preliminary study, it was found that after the...

After Melania Comes Out Against Cyber-Bullying, Eva Braun Vows to Fight Anti-Semitism

After Melania Comes Out Against Cyber-Bullying, Eva Braun Vows to Fight Anti-Semitism

Following Melania Trump’s promise to focus on preventing cyberbullying as First Lady of the United States, Eva Braun has announced plans to combat anti-Semitism both in Germany and throughout the world. “Our culture has become too mean and too rough, especially to Jewish people,” Braun, Adolf Hitler’s longtime mistress, noted. “We have to find a better way to respect religious differences without turning to hatred or prejudice.” Braun announced that she would launch a tour of Middle Eastern countries in...

ISIS Expresses Disappointment over Twitter’s Decision to Shut Down Vine

ISIS Expresses Disappointment over Twitter’s Decision to Shut Down Vine

Twitter’s decision to shutter Vine, the six-second video sharing service, has been met with disappointment worldwide, and the reaction from ISIS leadership has been no different. “We are shocked by the sudden removal of the social media platform which brought us such unforgettable generational talents as King Bach, Britney Furlan, and Lele Pons,” stated senior ISIS leader Abu Muhammad al-Shimali. “As part of our new strategy, we were planning to release a series of videos which would include hilarious topics...

Following Anthony Weiner Scandal, Iranian Liberals Okay with Government Banning Twitter

Following Anthony Weiner Scandal, Iranian Liberals Okay with Government Banning Twitter

Saying that they now understood the imperative for the ban, liberal activists in the Islamic Republic of Iran have dropped their demand that the government lift its ban on Twitter. “While being denied the basic freedom of speech and assembly that Twitter allows is unfair and repressive, at least we don’t have old perverts sending us pictures of their dicks,” one Iranian reformist told The Mideast Beast, referring to former congressman Anthony Weiner. “While we’d love to have Twitter as...

Deal Reached: Next War Will Be Fought Exclusively in Social Media

Deal Reached: Next War Will Be Fought Exclusively in Social Media

As indirect negotiations between Israel and Hamas continue, we have received confirmed reports that the two sides have come to one agreement: The next war will be fought exclusively over social media channels. “This is the direction we see modern warfare moving,” explained a senior IDF official. “Over the past several years, our tactics have shifted to include more blogging in our strategic arsenal, and Hamas now has what everyone accepts is a brilliant Instagram account #nofilter, #thatsnotarocketintheplayground. This next...

Facebook Introduces Post-Graduate Requirement for Commenting on Arab-Israeli Conflict

Facebook Introduces Post-Graduate Requirement for Commenting on Arab-Israeli Conflict

In a blow to online experts everywhere Facebook has restricted the ability of users to comment on the Arab-Israeli conflict until they have delivered proof of at least four years higher education (six if you went to Tel Aviv University, cause we all know that’s just a party school). Facebook spokeswoman Sarah Stein-Bluestein said “we’ve discovered that while we are the perfect outlet for sharing videos of people falling down holes and anything to do with kittens, we are far...

Man Changes Position on Israeli-Palestinian Conflict after Reading Facebook Comments

Man Changes Position on Israeli-Palestinian Conflict after Reading Facebook Comments

Former Zionist, Josh Liebowitzstein shocked family and friends this week when he announced that he’s changing his position on Israel. The decision came after reading several Facebook comments on an otherwise innocuous post about startups in Tel Aviv. The Mideast Beast caught up with Mr Liebowitzstein to elaborate on the decision. “Social media is a great place to start a conversation and exchange ideas,” he commented. “Due to Facebook’s high level of dialogue, thoughtful user community, and of course mutual respect...

U.S. and Israel Totally Fuck Over ISIS With Apple Watch Gift

U.S. and Israel Totally Fuck Over ISIS With Apple Watch Gift

This week the CIA and Mossad secretly announced pleasure as ISIS operatives accepted a shipment of Apple Watch gifts from their leader, or so they thought. Along with the usual weekly shipment of head-separating equipment, top ISIS officials found a box of Apple Watches with a note saying, “Mabrouk on the hard work. Your leader presents every fighter with 18-karat Gold Case Apple Watches.” Although surprised by the gift, some ISIS members strapped them on faster than suicide vests. “When...

Other Weapon Systems Jealous of Israel’s “Iron Dome”

Other Weapon Systems Jealous of Israel’s “Iron Dome”

A drive to advance weapons design to the leading edge has backfired on the Israel Defense Force (IDF) as various pieces of equipment have become self aware and developed an overwhelming desire to see Iron Dome, Israel’s missile defense system, “brought down a peg or two”. A Mekarva IV tank from Jerusalem complained, “here I am busting a track to keep the Jewish people safe from a bunch of anti-tank wielding fanatics and what thanks do I get?” “Sweet fuck all!...

Passive-Aggressive Obama Facebook Tags Everyone but Netanyahu in UN Group Photo

Passive-Aggressive Obama Facebook Tags Everyone but Netanyahu in UN Group Photo

In yet another sign of their frosty relationship, U.S. President Barack Obama neglected to tag Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu in a group Facebook photo of world leaders at the recent United Nations General Assembly meeting in New York. Calling the incident “a grave insult to every Jew, Holocaust victim and democracy-loving fighter of global terror,” Netanyahu told the Sheldon Adelson-owned Israeli newspaper, Israel Hayom, that “Obama tagged every world leader except me – including genocidal Islamo-fascists like Iranian President Hassan...

ISIS Sleeper Cell Claims Responsibility for Removal of iPhone 7 Headphone Jack

ISIS Sleeper Cell Claims Responsibility for Removal of iPhone 7 Headphone Jack

The world is in shock following Apple’s launch of the iPhone 7 without a traditional headphone jack. While Apple attempted to placate the masses by offering Bluetooth ‘airpods’ to replace the old stalwart wired earbuds, many dark-web theorists believe that this signified the beginning of the downfall of Western civilization. These dire projections were validated when ISIS issued a statement formally claiming responsibility for this heinous design choice; “Mohammed Al-Jeniusbar, a soldier of the Caliphate, with help from Allah, carried out...

Recalled Samsung Galaxy Note7 Replacing Barrel Bombs Over Syria

Recalled Samsung Galaxy Note7 Replacing Barrel Bombs Over Syria

In a further blow to Samsung’s PR machine, recalled Galaxy Note7 smart phones are now the weapon of choice for Syrian government forces. Military press officer Mahmoud Goldstein commented, “To be honest we had been running out of things to drop from our helicopters, so Samsung has been a real life saver. Well obviously not if you’re standing under one of our gunships, but I think you know what I mean.” Syrian rebel fighter John al-Smith confirmed the very real...

ISIS to Implement 30-Hour Work Week

ISIS to Implement 30-Hour Work Week

ISIS has followed Amazon’s lead and launched a pilot program in which a few dozen fighters will engage in only 30 hours of Jihad-making each week. In return, they will receive 75% of their normal quota of sex slaves and retain full health care benefits. “The Islamic State is dedicated to improving its future martyrs’ work-life balance.” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi commented. “Pushing our warriors too hard is leading to some bad habits. For example, there’s a real epidemic...