Technology

Report: Porn Reduces Suicide Bombing
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Report: Porn Reduces Suicide Bombing

Islamic State (IS) leaders are blaming an increase in the availability of high-quality Internet porn for their inability to recruit enough volunteer suicide bombers. Speaking exclusively to The Mideast Beast (TMB), Islamic State Khorasan Province (IS-K) Director of the Head Separation Techniques Department admitted that the problem had become so acute that the organization has needed to put a new recruitment...

SJP Instagram Account Solves Israeli-Palestinian Conflict
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SJP Instagram Account Solves Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

People around the world found reason to rejoice this week after discovering that the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict has finally been solved. In what’s being labelled a, “like react for world peace”, the decades long struggle for regional calm was finally resolved once and for all by a collegiate Students for Justice in Palestine Instagram post. The post was similar to all...

Deal Reached: Next War Will Be Fought Exclusively on Social Media
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Deal Reached: Next War Will Be Fought Exclusively on Social Media

As indirect negotiations between Israel and Hamas continue, we have received confirmed reports that the two sides have come to one agreement: the next war will be fought exclusively on social media platforms. “This is the direction we see modern warfare moving,” explained a senior IDF officer. “Over the past several years, our tactics have shifted to include more blogging...

Ayatollah Khamenei Embraces Amish Lifestyle Free From Zionist Technology
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Ayatollah Khamenei Embraces Amish Lifestyle Free From Zionist Technology

Iran’s supreme leader Ayatollah Khamenei has decided to “embrace a simple Amish lifestyle free from Zionist technology.” The decision comes after Iran’s parliament unanimously passed a resolution banning any use of Israeli technology as a “crime against God.” Since Israeli technology is found in everything from laptops to smartphones, Iran’s supreme leader spoke to The Mideast Beast inside a 100...

Tesla Chosen “Most Environmentally-Friendly Jihad Vehicle 2020”
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Tesla Chosen “Most Environmentally-Friendly Jihad Vehicle 2020”

Tesla, the US electric vehicle company has been chosen “most environmentally-friendly Jihad vehicle 2020” by ecologically-driven Jihadists worldwide. Tesla CEO Elon Musk spoke to The Mideast Beast from the company’s Palo Alto headquarters. “I’m really moved by the gesture and it proves I was right to reopen Tesla’s California plant. Whether you drive on the right or the left side...

Iran: Al Quds Day Moving Online
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Iran: Al Quds Day Moving Online

Due to the ongoing novel coronavirus pandemic, which has hit Iran especially hard, the country will be cancelling its annual Quds Day demonstrations, which are actually less about Jerusalem and rather a bit more focused on the customary call for Israel’s annihilation. “It was an extremely difficult decision to make,” admitted Ramezan Sharif, spokesman of the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps,...

Iran to Hold First ‘Death to Israel’ Zoom Meeting
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Iran to Hold First ‘Death to Israel’ Zoom Meeting

With the coronavirus preventing large rallies, Iran’s leaders have been forced to cancel this year’s anti-Israel “Quds Day” protests and instead will lead a series of “Death to Israel” and “Death to America” chants via Zoom conference. The rally will feature tens of thousands of Zoom attendees each taking turns calling for death to one of Iran’s eternal enemies. In...

BDS Founder Okays Watching Israeli Porn
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BDS Founder Okays Watching Israeli Porn

Omar Barghouti, the founder of the Boycott-Divestment-Sanctions movement (BDS) against Israel, has loosened restrictions against watching Israeli pornography for the duration of the coronavirus lockdown. “If an Israeli finds a cure for cancer or makes a remarkably hardcore porno video, we do not ask that supporters of the Palestinian cause or Palestinians themselves boycott these innovations,” Barghouti told The Mideast...

Israel to Shut Down Tinder to Combat Spread of Coronavirus
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Israel to Shut Down Tinder to Combat Spread of Coronavirus

The indicted, and still sitting Prime Minister of Israel, Benjamin Netanyahu, gave another press conference this evening to address the ongoing Coronavirus pandemic that has overtaken Israel and the world. Tonight, he detailed additional measures and guidelines that the government has formulated in order to slow its spread. They include, among others, the use of online tools originally formulated for...

Israel Begins Direct Iran Flights, Using F-35 Combat Aircraft
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Israel Begins Direct Iran Flights, Using F-35 Combat Aircraft

Israel’s Aviation Authority has for the first time since the Islamic Revolution in 1979, greenlighted direct flights to Iran. The dramatic decision comes after relations between Iran and Israel are warming up, especially in Syria. Until flight conditions stabilize, F35, F15 and F16 combat aircraft from the Israeli Air Force will operate the flight route from Tel Aviv to Tehran....

ISIS Launches S.T.E.M. Initiative
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ISIS Launches S.T.E.M. Initiative

The ISIS Science Directorate has announced that it will be launching a S.T.E.M. initiative to advance the education of science, technology, engineering and mathematics‎. Speaking to The Mideast Beast, recently appointed science minister, Ali bin Khalifa, said that the Islamic State recognized the need to develop teaching in these subjects in order to secure its future; “Let’s all just be...

Israeli ‘Brainwashing’ Firm Misses Opportunity…
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Israeli ‘Brainwashing’ Firm Misses Opportunity…

Online marketing firm The Spinner has admitted that on reflection it should have tackled anti-Semitism and Middle East peace before using its patented ‘brainwashing’ techniques on convincing wives and girlfriends to get breast implants. Co-founder, Elliot Shefler commented, “OK, looking back it’s clear that we may have wasted an opportunity to make the world a better place. But frankly it’s...

European Union Labels Jesus an Illegal Jewish Settlement Product
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European Union Labels Jesus an Illegal Jewish Settlement Product

The European Union (EU) has decided to label Jesus an “illegal Jewish settlement product from the Israeli-occupied West Bank.” The dramatic decision comes after the European Court of Justice ruled earlier that EU countries must label all Jewish settlements goods. EU’s Foreign Policy Chief Josep Borrell spoke to The Mideast Beast from his Brussels office. “As the world’s leading human rights...

Jared Concerned iPhone Not Working
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Jared Concerned iPhone Not Working

With the Middle East once again in turmoil, Jared Kushner, who has high hopes of becoming a ‘real boy’ one day soon, believes his iPhone may have malfunctioned. A spokesman for the wooden puppe….. senior advisor to the President commented, “Jared is certain he hasn’t dropped his phone down a toilet recently, so he thinks this might be to do...

Strange Glowing Light Proves Aliens Really Hidden in Iran, Not Area 51
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Strange Glowing Light Proves Aliens Really Hidden in Iran, Not Area 51

Following what was supposed to be the biggest revelation of the century, millions of people following a Facebook event that pledged to raid Area 51 this weekend were disappointed to find out that the military base indeed held no extraterrestrial life. The United States Military released a statement following this weekend’s events to restate a claim they have repeatedly made...

Following Melania’s Successful Campaign Against Cyberbullying, Eva Braun Vows to Fight Anti-Semitism
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Following Melania’s Successful Campaign Against Cyberbullying, Eva Braun Vows to Fight Anti-Semitism

Following Melania Trump’s promise to focus on preventing cyberbullying nearly three years ago, and her clear success at it thus far as First Lady of the United States, Eva Braun has announced plans to combat anti-Semitism both in Germany and throughout the world. “Our culture has become too mean and too rough, especially to Jewish people,” Braun, Adolf Hitler’s longtime mistress, noted....

Trump Vows to Avenge Pilot of Drone Shot Down by Iran
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Trump Vows to Avenge Pilot of Drone Shot Down by Iran

Apparently unaware that the drone destroyed by the Iranian Revolutionary Guards was unmanned, US President Donald Trump praised the “brave and patriotic pilot senselessly killed” and promised payback would be swift. Puzzlingly, Trump even said that he had spoken to the family of the pilot to offer his condolences. “They told me, Donald, you are doing a tremendous job, crooked...