Technology

Iran Begins Importing Floppy Disks, Raising Concerns over Nuclear Breakout
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Iran Begins Importing Floppy Disks, Raising Concerns over Nuclear Breakout

In a move that has alarmed U.S. officials and raised concerns over a potential nuclear breakout, the Islamic Republic Iran has begun importing large quantities of 1970s-era floppy disks. “There is only one possible use for these items, and that is to store information essential to controlling a nuclear arsenal,” U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry said in a news...

Pentagon Admits to Using Floppy Disks for Nuke Codes; Armageddon now a Guarantee
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Pentagon Admits to Using Floppy Disks for Nuke Codes; Armageddon now a Guarantee

While many Americans have been hypnotized by the interminable coverage of Hillary Clinton’s email security snafus, other damaging details have recently come to light regarding the US government’s notorious vibe of technological illiteracy. According to a new report, the Pentagon is still relying upon computing systems from the 1970’s that require floppy disks to coordinate intercontinental ballistic missiles and nuclear bombers....

FBI Pestering Israel for Constant Tech Support After San Bernadino iPhone Hack
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FBI Pestering Israel for Constant Tech Support After San Bernadino iPhone Hack

News sources are reporting this week that an Israeli tech company assisted the FBI in hacking San Bernadino terrorist Syed Rizwan Farook’s iPhone, leading many to wonder what other problems Israel can solve for hapless American government agencies. An FBI representative spoke to a Mideast Beast correspondent earlier today on condition of anonymity, excitedly stating that Israel’s assistance was a...

Apple Dispute Finally Resolved, As San Bernardino Terrorist’s Password Turns Out to be ‘1, 2, 3, 4’
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Apple Dispute Finally Resolved, As San Bernardino Terrorist’s Password Turns Out to be ‘1, 2, 3, 4’

A legal showdown between the U.S. government and Apple over the FBI’s demand that the company unlock the iPhone of the San Bernardino terrorist has been solved after FBI investigators discovered the shooter’s password was “1, 2, 3, 4.” The government had demanded that Apple provide investigators with access to data in the shooter’s phone that they believe may reveal new...

Trump Supporters in Israel Angry Over Having to ‘Press 4’ for English
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Trump Supporters in Israel Angry Over Having to ‘Press 4’ for English

American supporters of Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump living in Israel have declared that they are tired of having to “press 4 for English” when calling government offices because their new country is overrun by non-Americans. “I’m sick and tired of seeing all these foreigners everywhere speaking all their foreign languages. I mean Christ, this is America, speak English,” said...

Malfunctioning Ted Cruz Declares He’s “Not Afraid to Say ‘Merry Christmas’ to Islamic Terror!”
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Malfunctioning Ted Cruz Declares He’s “Not Afraid to Say ‘Merry Christmas’ to Islamic Terror!”

At a stump speech in Iowa yesterday, the robot known as Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz reportedly got its wires crossed when it proclaimed to an audience that it “is not afraid to say ‘merry Christmas’ to Islamic Terror.” Cruz’s owners, Republican super-donors Charles and David Koch, told reporters that the machine must have mixed up its pre-set recordings. “It...

Google’s New Super Computer: “Screw the Middle East, I’m Out”
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Google’s New Super Computer: “Screw the Middle East, I’m Out”

Los Angeles – Tech giant Google announced that their new super computer would be tasked with solving the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Yesterday, the same computer apparently turned itself off, in a surprise demonstration that the Middle East makes even artificial intelligence (AI) lose the will to live. One source at Google labs who wished to remain anonymous told The Mideast Beast,...

Waterboarding of San Bernardino Terrorist’s iPhone an Abject Failure
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Waterboarding of San Bernardino Terrorist’s iPhone an Abject Failure

An FBI effort to use waterboarding to retrieve information from the iPhone of the ISIS-linked San Bernardo shooter has failed miserably, with officials saying the contents of the phone may be lost for good. “So now the fucking phone won’t even turn on,” a dejected FBI Director James Comey told The Mideast Beast. “This is the last time I ask...

Netanyahu Holds Emergency Cabinet Meeting on Playboy’s Recent Decision to Drop Nude Spreads
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Netanyahu Holds Emergency Cabinet Meeting on Playboy’s Recent Decision to Drop Nude Spreads

With the country gripped with panic after months of terrorist attacks and some calling this the start of a third Intifada, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu convened an emergency cabinet meeting Tuesday evening to address Playboy magazine’s announcement that it would no longer run images of naked women in its print edition. “Everyone in this country is in a panic over...

Rubio Offers to Support Israel with “Fleet of Mindless Drones”
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Rubio Offers to Support Israel with “Fleet of Mindless Drones”

Following recent negotiations on a military aid package, presidential candidate Marco Rubio pledged to maintain Israel’s technological superiority by proposing a plan to supply the country with a fleet of drones. “If elected President, I would ensure Israel maintains its technological advantages and has access to plenty of drones,” Mr. Rubio stated in a scripted press conference.  “I know, deeply,...

Facebook to Increase ‘Related Pages’ in Newsfeeds
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Facebook to Increase ‘Related Pages’ in Newsfeeds

A new and totally expected move by Facebook is unlikely to shock or excite anyone. The social media giant is set to increase the amount of ‘related pages’ on users’ newsfeeds. Starting next week, and in large part thanks to Zionist control over the Internet, banks, and the media, your newsfeed will now contain even more unwanted ‘related pages’. The...

Nuclear Deal That Took Years To Negotiate Dismissed In Minutes By Armchair Politicians On Twitter
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Nuclear Deal That Took Years To Negotiate Dismissed In Minutes By Armchair Politicians On Twitter

“Barack HUSSEIN Obama’s nclr deal is #awful #worstpresidenteva!” said renowned Twitter scholar @Obama_St1nks in response to the deal designed to slow Iran’s nuclear marathon. @Obama_St1nks is not alone in his or her opinion, as hundreds of Twitter academics flocked to join his or her dissension. It does appear that the highly educated and influential intellectuals of social media have deconstructed...

Israel Air Force’s F-35 Pet Project
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Israel Air Force’s F-35 Pet Project

In a surprise, yet totally expected announcement, General Amir “Impact Crater” Feldman, Head of the Israel Air Force (IAF), confirmed that the new F-35, which “can’t turn, can’t climb, can’t run,” would be a literal pet project for the IAF. “The days of flying, dropping bombs and shooting down the enemy are over,” he said in an off-the-record briefing to...

Drone Acted Alone Say Friends
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Drone Acted Alone Say Friends

Friends of the Israeli drone that was allegedly shot down over Iran last August have claimed that he acted alone, out of a mixture of boredom and bravado. An IDF Heron 450 Unmanned Aerial vehicle said, “Yeah, Yoni always was a bit rogue. During basic training he often faked a ‘lost link’ situation just so he could go off and buzz the...

Tel Aviv City Council and Hamas Join Forces
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Tel Aviv City Council and Hamas Join Forces

Tel Aviv City Council has signed a radical new public infrastructure agreement with Hamas. Starting next month they will be joining forces to take advantage of Hamas’ second favorite hobby (after amateur rocket firing), digging! One City Councilman explained the concept. “Everyone knows that traffic in this town is a nightmare. Last night I was at a particularly boring budget...

Al Qaeda Vows to Fly with Cell Phones not Set to ‘Airplane Mode’
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Al Qaeda Vows to Fly with Cell Phones not Set to ‘Airplane Mode’

In a chilling video released this week, al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri promised a new wave of terror in which al Qaeda agents would fly on commercial airlines without setting their cell phones to “Airplane Mode.” “Until our demands are met, planes will soon rain from the skies, as the martyrs of Islam will ignore the captain’s explicit instructions and...

Islamic State’s TV Line-up a Surprise Hit in the United States
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Islamic State’s TV Line-up a Surprise Hit in the United States

When Time Warner Cable agreed to add The Islamic State’s (ISIL) TV station to its channel offerings, most shrugged. Now to everyone’s surprise, ISIL-TV’s grabbing all the buzz. “I love these shows,” wrote popular blogger Mr. Bud Uglee to his six loyal readers. “What on TV is funnier than Bringin’ Up Burkah? And dramas like Beheading Bad and Law &...