Technology

Google’s New Super Computer: “Screw the Middle East, I’m Out”
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Google’s New Super Computer: “Screw the Middle East, I’m Out”

Los Angeles – Tech giant Google announced that their new super computer would be tasked with solving the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Yesterday, the same computer apparently turned itself off, in a surprise demonstration that the Middle East makes even artificial intelligence (AI) lose the will to live. One source at Google labs who wished to remain anonymous told The Mideast Beast,...

Waterboarding of San Bernardino Terrorist’s iPhone an Abject Failure
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Waterboarding of San Bernardino Terrorist’s iPhone an Abject Failure

An FBI effort to use waterboarding to retrieve information from the iPhone of the ISIS-linked San Bernardo shooter has failed miserably, with officials saying the contents of the phone may be lost for good. “So now the fucking phone won’t even turn on,” a dejected FBI Director James Comey told The Mideast Beast. “This is the last time I ask...

Netanyahu Holds Emergency Cabinet Meeting on Playboy’s Recent Decision to Drop Nude Spreads
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Netanyahu Holds Emergency Cabinet Meeting on Playboy’s Recent Decision to Drop Nude Spreads

With the country gripped with panic after months of terrorist attacks and some calling this the start of a third Intifada, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu convened an emergency cabinet meeting Tuesday evening to address Playboy magazine’s announcement that it would no longer run images of naked women in its print edition. “Everyone in this country is in a panic over...

Rubio Offers to Support Israel with “Fleet of Mindless Drones”
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Rubio Offers to Support Israel with “Fleet of Mindless Drones”

Following recent negotiations on a military aid package, presidential candidate Marco Rubio pledged to maintain Israel’s technological superiority by proposing a plan to supply the country with a fleet of drones. “If elected President, I would ensure Israel maintains its technological advantages and has access to plenty of drones,” Mr. Rubio stated in a scripted press conference.  “I know, deeply,...

Nuclear Deal That Took Years To Negotiate Dismissed In Minutes By Armchair Politicians On Twitter
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Nuclear Deal That Took Years To Negotiate Dismissed In Minutes By Armchair Politicians On Twitter

“Barack HUSSEIN Obama’s nclr deal is #awful #worstpresidenteva!” said renowned Twitter scholar @Obama_St1nks in response to the deal designed to slow Iran’s nuclear marathon. @Obama_St1nks is not alone in his or her opinion, as hundreds of Twitter academics flocked to join his or her dissension. It does appear that the highly educated and influential intellectuals of social media have deconstructed...

Israel Air Force’s F-35 Pet Project
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Israel Air Force’s F-35 Pet Project

In a surprise, yet totally expected announcement, General Amir “Impact Crater” Feldman, Head of the Israel Air Force (IAF), confirmed that the new F-35, which “can’t turn, can’t climb, can’t run,” would be a literal pet project for the IAF. “The days of flying, dropping bombs and shooting down the enemy are over,” he said in an off-the-record briefing to...

Drone Acted Alone Say Friends
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Drone Acted Alone Say Friends

Friends of the Israeli drone that was allegedly shot down over Iran last August have claimed that he acted alone, out of a mixture of boredom and bravado. An IDF Heron 450 Unmanned Aerial vehicle said, “Yeah, Yoni always was a bit rogue. During basic training he often faked a ‘lost link’ situation just so he could go off and buzz the...

Al Qaeda Vows to Fly with Cell Phones not Set to ‘Airplane Mode’
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Al Qaeda Vows to Fly with Cell Phones not Set to ‘Airplane Mode’

In a chilling video released this week, al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri promised a new wave of terror in which al Qaeda agents would fly on commercial airlines without setting their cell phones to “Airplane Mode.” “Until our demands are met, planes will soon rain from the skies, as the martyrs of Islam will ignore the captain’s explicit instructions and...

Islamic State’s TV Line-up a Surprise Hit in the United States
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Islamic State’s TV Line-up a Surprise Hit in the United States

When Time Warner Cable agreed to add The Islamic State’s (ISIL) TV station to its channel offerings, most shrugged. Now to everyone’s surprise, ISIL-TV’s grabbing all the buzz. “I love these shows,” wrote popular blogger Mr. Bud Uglee to his six loyal readers. “What on TV is funnier than Bringin’ Up Burkah? And dramas like Beheading Bad and Law &...

Anonymous Hacks U.S. Predator Drones, Begins Bombing ISIS Strongholds
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Anonymous Hacks U.S. Predator Drones, Begins Bombing ISIS Strongholds

In the aftermath of the recent terror attacks in Paris, the “hacktivist” group “Anonymous” vowed revenge against the terrorist group responsible.  Following a number of threats against ISIS, Anonymous began releasing and shutting down ISIS-linked Twitter accounts.  But today marks an escalation that no one expected.  As laser-guided missiles began to rain down on ISIS strongholds in Iraq and Syria,...

Islamic State’s Leader Shocked to Find his Name on Ashley Madison Website Leak
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Islamic State’s Leader Shocked to Find his Name on Ashley Madison Website Leak

The leader of the Islamic State, al-Baghdadi, was shocked to find his name on a list of other adulterers from the hacked Ashley Madison website. In a surprising twist, the Islamic State’s barbaric policy of rewarding fighters with victory slaves-brides did not lead to blossoming relationships. Al-Baghdadi told The Mideast Beast that he had simply “lost the sparks” with all his regular and slave-wives. The...

Leaked Tape Reveals Hamas Leader Begging Netanyahu to Invade Gaza
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Leaked Tape Reveals Hamas Leader Begging Netanyahu to Invade Gaza

An audio recording of Palestinian Hamas leader in Gaza, Ismail Haniyeh, imploring Israel’s Prime Minister to launch an all-out air, ground, and sea assault on the Gaza Strip has exploded on the Internet. “Benjamin, come on already! ISIS is a thorn in my throat. I’m choking here! Kindly have your military unleash a fresh wave of human suffering on Gaza. You don’t even...

Netflix To Expand Into Middle East, End All Conflicts
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Netflix To Expand Into Middle East, End All Conflicts

In the kind of world-changing announcement that usually only follows Ryan Seacrest saying, “the winner of American Idol is…,” Netflix revealed to the world that they were be expanding their services into one of the most explosive parts of the world, the Middle East. While this may not seem like big news to some, many analysts are viewing this expansion as a...

Epidemic Of “Scrotal Sunburns” Raging Across Mideast Is Result of “Nutscaping” Fad, Say Experts
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Epidemic Of “Scrotal Sunburns” Raging Across Mideast Is Result of “Nutscaping” Fad, Say Experts

It’s been described as “excruciating,” and “the worst pain ever,” by dozens of men currently icing their nether regions. In recent days, a fad known as “nutscaping” has cropped up where horrifying fads like this tend to, on the interweb. The idea behind nutscaping (you can’t see us shuddering with horror, but rest assured, we are) is that adventurous men...

Drone’s War Memoir Earns Critical Acclaim
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Drone’s War Memoir Earns Critical Acclaim

Just as critics declared the market for war memoirs is saturated, a book from a wholly different perspective may now take the country by storm. Feeling Controlled by MQ-9 C37r, a General Atomics Reaper (formerly known as the Predator B), is receiving the sort of pre-release buzz most books can only dream about. Feeling Controlled is more than just a...

Syria’s President Set to Resign After Discovery of Private E-mail Account
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Syria’s President Set to Resign After Discovery of Private E-mail Account

Syrian President Bashar al-Assad announced that he will resign from his position after it was discovered that he had been using a private e-mail account to conduct government business, leading opponents and supporters alike to question whether Assad is trustworthy. As of recent, he is the second high-profile individual to face this accusation. “While I was bothered by Mr. Assad’s...

Iranian Leader Strangely Congratulates Ann Coulter’s Twitter Message
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Iranian Leader Strangely Congratulates Ann Coulter’s Twitter Message

Sources in Iran’s opposition movement report the Supreme Leader was ‘giddy as hell’ when he heard Conservative pundit Ann Coulter was tweeting about Jews and Israel during Wednesday night’s GOP debate. “How many f—ing Jews do these people think there are in the United States?” read her post accusing presidential hopefuls of pandering to Jewish voters. The source revealed Ayatollah...