Los Angeles – Tech giant Google announced that their new super computer would be tasked with solving the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Yesterday, the same computer apparently turned itself off, in a surprise demonstration that the Middle East makes even artificial intelligence (AI) lose the will to live. One source at Google labs who wished to remain anonymous told The Mideast Beast,...
After clashes caused by soldiers following their Waze navigation app into a Palestinian refugee camp, Israel Defense Forces (IDF) leadership have banned the use of all smartphone apps. Head of “Ways for the Guys and Girls to Kill Time Whilst on Tedious Operations”, IDF General Fluffberg told The Mideast Beast; “This latest cock-up is really the final straw for us. It’s a...
An FBI effort to use waterboarding to retrieve information from the iPhone of the ISIS-linked San Bernardo shooter has failed miserably, with officials saying the contents of the phone may be lost for good. “So now the fucking phone won’t even turn on,” a dejected FBI Director James Comey told The Mideast Beast. “This is the last time I ask...
With the country gripped with panic after months of terrorist attacks and some calling this the start of a third Intifada, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu convened an emergency cabinet meeting Tuesday evening to address Playboy magazine’s announcement that it would no longer run images of naked women in its print edition. “Everyone in this country is in a panic over...
Following recent negotiations on a military aid package, presidential candidate Marco Rubio pledged to maintain Israel’s technological superiority by proposing a plan to supply the country with a fleet of drones. “If elected President, I would ensure Israel maintains its technological advantages and has access to plenty of drones,” Mr. Rubio stated in a scripted press conference. “I know, deeply,...
“Barack HUSSEIN Obama’s nclr deal is #awful #worstpresidenteva!” said renowned Twitter scholar @Obama_St1nks in response to the deal designed to slow Iran’s nuclear marathon. @Obama_St1nks is not alone in his or her opinion, as hundreds of Twitter academics flocked to join his or her dissension. It does appear that the highly educated and influential intellectuals of social media have deconstructed...
In a surprise, yet totally expected announcement, General Amir “Impact Crater” Feldman, Head of the Israel Air Force (IAF), confirmed that the new F-35, which “can’t turn, can’t climb, can’t run,” would be a literal pet project for the IAF. “The days of flying, dropping bombs and shooting down the enemy are over,” he said in an off-the-record briefing to...
Friends of the Israeli drone that was allegedly shot down over Iran last August have claimed that he acted alone, out of a mixture of boredom and bravado. An IDF Heron 450 Unmanned Aerial vehicle said, “Yeah, Yoni always was a bit rogue. During basic training he often faked a ‘lost link’ situation just so he could go off and buzz the...
From the U.S. Air Force bombarding the capital of ISIS with pleasure toys to Donald Trump’s preference for Nobel Prize winners who “didn’t get shot in the head,” we stopped at nothing to bring you the year’s most cutting ‘news’ stories. And while a full ‘Year in Review’ is not possible since The Mideast Beast (TMB) only blasted onto the scene...
In a chilling video released this week, al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri promised a new wave of terror in which al Qaeda agents would fly on commercial airlines without setting their cell phones to “Airplane Mode.” “Until our demands are met, planes will soon rain from the skies, as the martyrs of Islam will ignore the captain’s explicit instructions and...
When Time Warner Cable agreed to add The Islamic State’s (ISIL) TV station to its channel offerings, most shrugged. Now to everyone’s surprise, ISIL-TV’s grabbing all the buzz. “I love these shows,” wrote popular blogger Mr. Bud Uglee to his six loyal readers. “What on TV is funnier than Bringin’ Up Burkah? And dramas like Beheading Bad and Law &...
In the aftermath of the recent terror attacks in Paris, the “hacktivist” group “Anonymous” vowed revenge against the terrorist group responsible. Following a number of threats against ISIS, Anonymous began releasing and shutting down ISIS-linked Twitter accounts. But today marks an escalation that no one expected. As laser-guided missiles began to rain down on ISIS strongholds in Iraq and Syria,...
The leader of the Islamic State, al-Baghdadi, was shocked to find his name on a list of other adulterers from the hacked Ashley Madison website. In a surprising twist, the Islamic State’s barbaric policy of rewarding fighters with victory slaves-brides did not lead to blossoming relationships. Al-Baghdadi told The Mideast Beast that he had simply “lost the sparks” with all his regular and slave-wives. The...
An audio recording of Palestinian Hamas leader in Gaza, Ismail Haniyeh, imploring Israel’s Prime Minister to launch an all-out air, ground, and sea assault on the Gaza Strip has exploded on the Internet. “Benjamin, come on already! ISIS is a thorn in my throat. I’m choking here! Kindly have your military unleash a fresh wave of human suffering on Gaza. You don’t even...
In the kind of world-changing announcement that usually only follows Ryan Seacrest saying, “the winner of American Idol is…,” Netflix revealed to the world that they were be expanding their services into one of the most explosive parts of the world, the Middle East. While this may not seem like big news to some, many analysts are viewing this expansion as a...
It’s been described as “excruciating,” and “the worst pain ever,” by dozens of men currently icing their nether regions. In recent days, a fad known as “nutscaping” has cropped up where horrifying fads like this tend to, on the interweb. The idea behind nutscaping (you can’t see us shuddering with horror, but rest assured, we are) is that adventurous men...
Just as critics declared the market for war memoirs is saturated, a book from a wholly different perspective may now take the country by storm. Feeling Controlled by MQ-9 C37r, a General Atomics Reaper (formerly known as the Predator B), is receiving the sort of pre-release buzz most books can only dream about. Feeling Controlled is more than just a...
Syrian President Bashar al-Assad announced that he will resign from his position after it was discovered that he had been using a private e-mail account to conduct government business, leading opponents and supporters alike to question whether Assad is trustworthy. As of recent, he is the second high-profile individual to face this accusation. “While I was bothered by Mr. Assad’s...
In the wake of his arrest, Ahmed Mohamed, a Texas teen taken into custody for bringing a homemade clock to school, has received an abundance of public support. The support ranged from donations of various computers and gadgets, as well as more prestigious invitations. Google co-Founder Sergey Brin has already met the lad and Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg offered to...
Sources in Iran’s opposition movement report the Supreme Leader was ‘giddy as hell’ when he heard Conservative pundit Ann Coulter was tweeting about Jews and Israel during Wednesday night’s GOP debate. “How many f—ing Jews do these people think there are in the United States?” read her post accusing presidential hopefuls of pandering to Jewish voters. The source revealed Ayatollah...
