Technology

Other Weapon Systems Jealous of Israel’s “Iron Dome”
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Other Weapon Systems Jealous of Israel’s “Iron Dome”

A drive to advance weapons design to the leading edge has backfired on the Israel Defense Force (IDF) as various pieces of equipment have become self aware and developed an overwhelming desire to see Iron Dome, Israel’s missile defense system, “brought down a peg or two”. A Mekarva IV tank from Jerusalem complained, “here I am busting a track to keep...

Trump Begins Building Wind Turbines in Iraq to Give ISIS Cancer
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Trump Begins Building Wind Turbines in Iraq to Give ISIS Cancer

In a move aimed at dealing a death blow to what remains of the Islamic State, US President Donald Trump has launched a wind turbine-building campaign across Iraq and Syria with the aim of giving the group’s remaining fighters cancer. “Listen, we’ve totally defeated ISIS, believe me, but now we have to make sure all their fighters are dead so...

Saudi App to Control Women Gets Vice President Seal of Approval

Saudi App to Control Women Gets Vice President Seal of Approval

Vice President Pence has signaled his broad approval of Saudi designed app ‘Absher’.  A spokesman for the VP Pence commented, “The Vice President is always eager to see new technology that protects women from the very real dangers of being unaccompanied by a male relative or spouse. Furthermore, he doesn’t really understand why any female would ever wish to leave...

Israeli Scientists Pioneering New Jetpack that Doesn’t Just Leave Your Stupid Legs Dangling
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Israeli Scientists Pioneering New Jetpack that Doesn’t Just Leave Your Stupid Legs Dangling

HAIFA- Engineers at the Technion (Israel Institute of Technology), have announced their intention to solve one of the greatest hurdles to everyday travel by jetpack.  With the popularity of Iron Man and the Marvel Cinematic Universe, an increasing number of individuals and companies have attempted to build working jetpacks.  But regardless of their fuel efficiency, potential speed, or likelihood of...

ISIS Tweets Tribute Honoring John McCain
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ISIS Tweets Tribute Honoring John McCain

ISIS has tweeted a tribute to the late Republican Senator John McCain, commending him on his ability to bridge political divides and work with those with whom he disagreed. “John McCain and I were members of different generations, came from completely different backgrounds, and competed at the highest level of politics”, the acting head of ISIS said. “But we shared,...

Saudi To Fund Tesla to Get to Mars Ahead of Jews
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Saudi To Fund Tesla to Get to Mars Ahead of Jews

The Saudi Sovereign Wealth Fund has admitted they are in advanced talks with Elon Musk to finance his buyout bid. A spokesman commented, “Let’s be honest the Zionists have won down here on Earth. We need to draw a line under it and look to the stars. Mr. Musk has promised us exclusivity on the first Mars rockets. I don’t...

Hamas Ends Space Programme After Iron Dome Intercepts Rockets
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Hamas Ends Space Programme After Iron Dome Intercepts Rockets

Hamas has rebuked Israel for using their Iron Dome rocket defence system to intercept rockets which the organization claimed were not aimed at Israeli civilians but were in fact part of a fledgling space programme. “We’ve spent more than a decade trying to develop rockets which can successfully kill or maim Israeli civilians and it’s largely gone to waste since...

Mummy Unearthed Grasping BlackBerry Smartphone

Mummy Unearthed Grasping BlackBerry Smartphone

The recently discovered cavity in the Egyptian pyramids contained an ancient relic, archaeologists have revealed. Dr. Jackie Jackson, who led the research organized by BATY, the British Archaeological Team Youth, told The Mideast Beast: We found this mysterious item called a ‘Blackberry’. Apparently, they were very popular in the past, but it must’ve been well before my time.” “The Mummy...

Saudi Arabia to Launch Own Social Network
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Saudi Arabia to Launch Own Social Network

As part of the new Crown Prince initiative to democratize Saudi Arabia, the government has announced that they are launching a new social network called YallaBook. The initiative is set to replace Facebook, recently banned in the kingdom, “due to the corporation’s authoritarian structure,” according to Saudi officials. The Crown Prince has spent the last week promoting the new network....

ISIS Bans ‘Battlefield Selfies’
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ISIS Bans ‘Battlefield Selfies’

In a move to enhance the battlefield effectiveness of its fighters, top ‘Islamic State’ commanders have had to impose a ban on ‘Battle Selfies’, which have become ever more prevalent as the terrorist group takes on increased numbers of western recruits. One ISIS commander told The Mideast Beast (TMB), “we’ve had a real problem with this in recent weeks as we’ve...

Laurel and Yanny Mideast Style
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Laurel and Yanny Mideast Style

In one of the latest viral internet stories, a recording of the word “Laurel” is heard by many as “Yanny”.  While the original recording was actually “Laurel”, the alternate version can be heard if the individual has a deficiency hearing certain frequencies, or if certain frequency information is deliberately lowered and others are intentionally increased. A number of similar phrases...

Trump Requests Middle East Intel Briefings as Tweets
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Trump Requests Middle East Intel Briefings as Tweets

The Mideast Beast has learned from White House sources that President Trump has requested all Middle East briefings be delivered in Tweet form. One aide told us, “He wouldn’t read any of the traditional briefings, so then we tried shortening and adding way more pictures but really nothing worked. But then we got the bright idea to just start tweeting them to...

Saudi Mideast Peace Plan Gives Palestinians State in ‘The Sims’
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Saudi Mideast Peace Plan Gives Palestinians State in ‘The Sims’

Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman and US Mideast envoy Jared Kushner have reached an agreement to end the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, with Israel keeping all its settlement blocs and the Palestinians receiving an independent state in ‘The Sims’ videogame. The deal, according to sources close to the prince, would see Jerusalem recognized as Israel’s capital, all settlements in the West...

Trump Drinks Poison After His Twitter Account is Shut Down
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Trump Drinks Poison After His Twitter Account is Shut Down

Declaring that he would rather die than see his followers forced to live without his enlightening tweets, US President Donald Trump swallowed a small vile of poison after learning his Twitter account had been deactivated. Trump’s dramatic action took place after the president was rebuked for retweeting anti-Muslim videos posted by a right-wing British activist. When he was unable to...

Desperate for Love, Saudi Arabia, Israel Swipe Right on Each Other
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Desperate for Love, Saudi Arabia, Israel Swipe Right on Each Other

Yearning for companionship, and running out of people in their immediate areas, recent reports have indicated that Saudi Arabia and Israel have changed the settings on their Tinder profiles to increase the search distance, and surprisingly, right swiped each other. According to sources close with both countries, the two have been talking nightly, and have even discussed making it “an...