In a move aimed at dealing a death blow to what remains of the Islamic State, US President Donald Trump has launched a wind turbine-building campaign across Iraq and Syria with the aim of giving the group’s remaining fighters cancer. “Listen, we’ve totally defeated ISIS, believe me, but now we have to make sure all their fighters are dead so...
With the launch of Israel’s Beresheet spacecraft, a bid to make it the fourth country to land on the lunar surface, Pink Floyd frontman Roger Waters is now urging his fans to boycott the moon. Waters says that people should make all efforts possible to avoid looking at the moon, reading about the moon or even saying the word “moon.”...
Vice President Pence has signaled his broad approval of Saudi designed app ‘Absher’. A spokesman for the VP Pence commented, “The Vice President is always eager to see new technology that protects women from the very real dangers of being unaccompanied by a male relative or spouse. Furthermore, he doesn’t really understand why any female would ever wish to leave...
HAIFA- Engineers at the Technion (Israel Institute of Technology), have announced their intention to solve one of the greatest hurdles to everyday travel by jetpack. With the popularity of Iron Man and the Marvel Cinematic Universe, an increasing number of individuals and companies have attempted to build working jetpacks. But regardless of their fuel efficiency, potential speed, or likelihood of...
As Christmas has arrived, it’s the gift that everyone is hoping will be under the tree. And, it’s all part of an exciting new joint business venture from the IDF and Hamas who intend to take full advantage of all those godless heathens (sorry, ‘Christians’). Head of Holiday Electronics at the IDF, Colonel Dudu Climaxky, explained more. “I was checking out...
Islamic State leaders are blaming an increase in the availability of high quality Internet porn for their inability to recruit enough volunteer suicide bombers. Speaking exclusively to The Mideast Beast (TMB), Islamic State’s Director of the Head Separation Techniques Department admitted that the problem had become so acute that the organization has needed to put a new recruitment drive in place....
ISIS has tweeted a tribute to the late Republican Senator John McCain, commending him on his ability to bridge political divides and work with those with whom he disagreed. “John McCain and I were members of different generations, came from completely different backgrounds, and competed at the highest level of politics”, the acting head of ISIS said. “But we shared,...
The Saudi Sovereign Wealth Fund has admitted they are in advanced talks with Elon Musk to finance his buyout bid. A spokesman commented, “Let’s be honest the Zionists have won down here on Earth. We need to draw a line under it and look to the stars. Mr. Musk has promised us exclusivity on the first Mars rockets. I don’t...
Hamas has rebuked Israel for using their Iron Dome rocket defence system to intercept rockets which the organization claimed were not aimed at Israeli civilians but were in fact part of a fledgling space programme. “We’ve spent more than a decade trying to develop rockets which can successfully kill or maim Israeli civilians and it’s largely gone to waste since...
The recently discovered cavity in the Egyptian pyramids contained an ancient relic, archaeologists have revealed. Dr. Jackie Jackson, who led the research organized by BATY, the British Archaeological Team Youth, told The Mideast Beast: We found this mysterious item called a ‘Blackberry’. Apparently, they were very popular in the past, but it must’ve been well before my time.” “The Mummy...
Peace and prosperity have been achieved across the globe after US President Donald Trump ran out of data on his cell plan and was unable to use Twitter. The ensuing calm not only gave Americans a chance to catch their breaths but allowed world leaders to focus on solving their own countries’ problems. Within 48 hours, all conflicts had ended....
As part of the new Crown Prince initiative to democratize Saudi Arabia, the government has announced that they are launching a new social network called YallaBook. The initiative is set to replace Facebook, recently banned in the kingdom, “due to the corporation’s authoritarian structure,” according to Saudi officials. The Crown Prince has spent the last week promoting the new network....
After nearly two weeks, the United States Space Force has received its first mission; do something with all of the children being held by the government at the border. Today, President Donald Trump announced that he had directed his top Space Force generals, who were among the first to enlist a few days ago, to “take all those little brown...
In a move to enhance the battlefield effectiveness of its fighters, top ‘Islamic State’ commanders have had to impose a ban on ‘Battle Selfies’, which have become ever more prevalent as the terrorist group takes on increased numbers of western recruits. One ISIS commander told The Mideast Beast (TMB), “we’ve had a real problem with this in recent weeks as we’ve...
Descending from the heavens, God has touched down on Earth to announce a new, massive-real-life-multiplayer gaming experience known as Israel-Palestine 2. Flanked by lead developers and producers, Moses, Jesus, and Muhammad, God explained, “We feel that it’s time for a reboot. Things in Israel-Palestine 1 have started getting a little stale. Don’t get us wrong, everybody still loves the ’48...
In one of the latest viral internet stories, a recording of the word “Laurel” is heard by many as “Yanny”. While the original recording was actually “Laurel”, the alternate version can be heard if the individual has a deficiency hearing certain frequencies, or if certain frequency information is deliberately lowered and others are intentionally increased. A number of similar phrases...
ISIS has reportedly been devastated by the recent Bitcoin crash. The Mideast Beast was able to speak with members of ISIS’ investment branch, Jihad Investments and Security Matters or “JISM,” to detail the devastation wrought by the declining prices. “We bought at around $19,000 and now its back down around $7,500. We poured 80% of our budget into this crap...
As the world applauded the historic engineering achievement which landed a space probe on a Comet 67P, some observers were less pleased. The Scientologist community was up in arms this past week over an alleged Israeli plan to ‘create an illegal settlement’ on Comet 67P, noting that several of the scientists involved in the Rosetta mission are Israeli and are...
The Mideast Beast has learned from White House sources that President Trump has requested all Middle East briefings be delivered in Tweet form. One aide told us, “He wouldn’t read any of the traditional briefings, so then we tried shortening and adding way more pictures but really nothing worked. But then we got the bright idea to just start tweeting them to...
Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman and US Mideast envoy Jared Kushner have reached an agreement to end the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, with Israel keeping all its settlement blocs and the Palestinians receiving an independent state in ‘The Sims’ videogame. The deal, according to sources close to the prince, would see Jerusalem recognized as Israel’s capital, all settlements in the West...
