Technology

Teenager Who Hacked into Iranian Government Website Rewarded with 72 Virgins

Teenager Who Hacked into Iranian Government Website Rewarded with 72 Virgins

A teenager who spent hours between school classes on his laptop, hacking websites belonging to the Iranian government, has been thanked for finding security gaps that could’ve been exploited by Iran’s enemies. 18-year old Atila Fikri was praised by Iranian Defense Minister Hossein Dehghan: “Anti-revolutionary, Zionist-funded, black-hat hackers are attempting to crash our networks. Once, during an all-night security meeting and pajama party with the President and Supreme Leader, I ordered a Veggie Lover’s Pizza online. What did we get instead?...

Turkey Shuts Down Social Media after Spat with Iran over Israel

Turkey Shuts Down Social Media after Spat with Iran over Israel

The Turkish government has blocked Facebook and Twitter after a public dust-up involving the Islamic Republic of Iran, Israel and a slew of attack fans. “Real fans of martial law and mass arrests wouldn’t be throwing shade at my new friends,” Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan tweeted after supporters of his regime got hostile over a picture of him and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu together in a Turkish bathhouse in Istanbul. Erdogan and Netanyahu have been spending a lot of time...

It’s Official: ISIS Executes Mr. Mime Pokémon

It’s Official: ISIS Executes Mr. Mime Pokémon

ISIS member, Mohammed Abdulrahman had been playing Pokémon GO when he stumbled upon a Mr. Mime in the ISIS occupied territory of Mosul. “I was hoping to catch a Pikachu. I was pretty disappointed to find it was this annoying Pokémon.” After watching it flail his hands and yell ‘Mr. Mime’ over and over, Mohammed reported the psychic Pokémon to authorities where it was immediately placed under arrest and beheaded. RELATED: “PokéAJew GO” Launches in Saudi Arabia After Pokémon Fatwa The...

“PokéAJew GO” Launches in Saudi Arabia After Pokémon Fatwa

“PokéAJew GO” Launches in Saudi Arabia After Pokémon Fatwa

With the phenomenon of Pokémon Go capturing the world’s attention, Saudi Arabia took a quick breather from banning women from driving, men from being too handsome, and dogs from participating in beauty pageants to focus on what’s really important: reviving their 2001 fatwa on Pokémon. “Rattata, Primeape, and Tepig are clearly Zionist Jews!” declared leading member of the General Secretariat of the Council of Religious Scholars and Misogynists, Abdulaziz Al-Asheikh. “Pokémon are symbols of the global Zionist conspiracy. This ‘game’ is...

ISIS Renounces Islam Following Saudi Fatwa Banning ‘Pokemon Go’

ISIS Renounces Islam Following Saudi Fatwa Banning ‘Pokemon Go’

Admitting that he “may have been wrong about America,” ISIS Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has reportedly renounced Islam after top Saudi clerics issued a fatwa banning the playing of the hit iPhone game ‘Pokemon Go.’ “After three years of wandering around the desert in mind-numbing boredom looking for infidels to behead, Pokemon Go was a welcome relief for me and my army of mujahedeen, who loved tracking down Jigglypuffs and Pikachus when they couldn’t find any Christians or Shia to...

Weapons Inspectors Demand Access to Iranian Military Sites to Collect Pokémon

Weapons Inspectors Demand Access to Iranian Military Sites to Collect Pokémon

VIENNA — Last year’s nuclear deal between Iran and the West may now be in jeopardy, as weapons inspectors are demanding access to sensitive military sites at which Pokémon has been discovered. “While Iran had been in compliance with the terms of the agreement up to this point, Iranian officials have now refused to allow our inspectors to enter off-limit sites- even in cases where the inspectors see a rare and much-needed Pokémon character within reach,” Yukiya Amano, chief of...

As Pokémon GO Wreaks Havoc Across U.S., CIA Confirms Iran is Behind the Game

As Pokémon GO Wreaks Havoc Across U.S., CIA Confirms Iran is Behind the Game

QUANTICO — For years, Americans have been told to fear the looming monster of a nuclear Iran, and so we have.  But, in a classic M. Night Shyamalan twist, the real monsters were in our pockets all along.  Pocket Monsters ‘Pokémon,’ as they’re called on the street, have begun to pop up across the United States thanks to the new mobile game, ‘Pokémon Go.’  Americans have begun to wander, without any discernable concern for their wellbeing, around their cities and...

ISIS Posts Damaging One-Star Review of USA on Yelp

ISIS Posts Damaging One-Star Review of USA on Yelp

President Obama thought his second term couldn’t get any worse…he was wrong. “This morning I was briefed about a damaging review listed on yelp.com purportedly from ISIS ” stated a visibly enraged Obama.  “Yelp has confirmed this is in fact their official account and not some 13 year old boy faking a review. Unfortunately, Yelp at this time cannot delete the review as too many followers have made comments. Let me warn ISIS that this type of vitriol will not...

Are You up for the ‘Iron Dome’ Challenge?

Are You up for the ‘Iron Dome’ Challenge?

Following the success of the Ice Bucket Challenge in aid of ALS, Hamas and the IDF have been moved to create their very own charity fundraising scheme. Saul Starstein, Director of Giving for the IDF explained more. “We all accept that our media profile is really not that great. Now’s not the time to get into the blame game of ‘who fired first’…though they totally did. But now we’ve reached across borders to join hands with our recent enemies and bring...

Al Jazeera America Relocates to Israel, New Staff is All Female

Al Jazeera America Relocates to Israel, New Staff is All Female

The popular Qatari-backed news network has responded aggressively to a multimillion-dollar anti-female, anti-Semitic and anti-American bias lawsuit by moving its headquarters from New York City to Jerusalem and firing its male staffers. “We love women, we love Jews and we love America: just not in Arabic,” network CEO Sheldon Asfour said today. Asfour then outlined how his network has provided hope to American immigrants: “We opened our doors to refugees and outcasts from around the world. Muslim Brotherhood members fleeing...

Iran Begins Importing Floppy Disks, Raising Concerns over Nuclear Breakout

Iran Begins Importing Floppy Disks, Raising Concerns over Nuclear Breakout

In a move that has alarmed U.S. officials and raised concerns over a potential nuclear breakout, the Islamic Republic Iran has begun importing large quantities of 1970s-era floppy disks. “There is only one possible use for these items, and that is to store information essential to controlling a nuclear arsenal,” U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry said in a news conference. “It pains me to say it, but this move makes me question Iran’s intentions regarding its nuclear program.” Iran’s...

Pentagon Admits to Using Floppy Disks for Nuke Codes; Armageddon now a Guarantee

Pentagon Admits to Using Floppy Disks for Nuke Codes; Armageddon now a Guarantee

While many Americans have been hypnotized by the interminable coverage of Hillary Clinton’s email security snafus, other damaging details have recently come to light regarding the US government’s notorious vibe of technological illiteracy. According to a new report, the Pentagon is still relying upon computing systems from the 1970’s that require floppy disks to coordinate intercontinental ballistic missiles and nuclear bombers. Department of Defense representative Ayma Luddite admitted to The Mideast Beast via a series of telegraphs: “We just never made...

Security Concerned They Won’t Be Able to Tell if Iran Replaces Clinton With Robot Lookalike

Security Concerned They Won’t Be Able to Tell if Iran Replaces Clinton With Robot Lookalike

A lot of energy has been spent disparaging Hillary Clinton throughout this Presidential rat race.  Trump supporters, Bernie Bros – they’ve all taken their shots.  But today, a new group added their two cents.  The Secret Service has expressed concern that Clinton, who is known for having all the integrity of a deposed Nigerian prince e-mailing you to ask for money, could easily be replaced by a robotic lookalike without them noticing any difference. RELATED: Sanders Voters Torn Between Voting for Hillary...

FBI Pestering Israel for Constant Tech Support After San Bernadino iPhone Hack

FBI Pestering Israel for Constant Tech Support After San Bernadino iPhone Hack

News sources are reporting this week that an Israeli tech company assisted the FBI in hacking San Bernadino terrorist Syed Rizwan Farook’s iPhone, leading many to wonder what other problems Israel can solve for hapless American government agencies. An FBI representative spoke to a Mideast Beast correspondent earlier today on condition of anonymity, excitedly stating that Israel’s assistance was a “game changer,” and not only on the issue of digital forensics: “Nobody who works at the FBI can walk into...

Apple Dispute Finally Resolved, As San Bernardino Terrorist’s Password Turns Out to be ‘1, 2, 3, 4’

Apple Dispute Finally Resolved, As San Bernardino Terrorist’s Password Turns Out to be ‘1, 2, 3, 4’

A legal showdown between the U.S. government and Apple over the FBI’s demand that the company unlock the iPhone of the San Bernardino terrorist has been solved after FBI investigators discovered the shooter’s password was “1, 2, 3, 4.” The government had demanded that Apple provide investigators with access to data in the shooter’s phone that they believe may reveal new information regarding the terror attack, which left 12 people dead last December. Apple, however, insisted unlocking the phone would establish...

Trump Supporters in Israel Angry Over Having to ‘Press 4’ for English

Trump Supporters in Israel Angry Over Having to ‘Press 4’ for English

American supporters of Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump living in Israel have declared that they are tired of having to “press 4 for English” when calling government offices because their new country is overrun by non-Americans. “I’m sick and tired of seeing all these foreigners everywhere speaking all their foreign languages. I mean Christ, this is America, speak English,” said one former Brooklyn resident who recently moved to Tel Aviv. “I mean, I know it’s not literally America. But still,...

Malfunctioning Ted Cruz Declares He’s “Not Afraid to Say ‘Merry Christmas’ to Islamic Terror!”

Malfunctioning Ted Cruz Declares He’s “Not Afraid to Say ‘Merry Christmas’ to Islamic Terror!”

At a stump speech in Iowa yesterday, the robot known as Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz reportedly got its wires crossed when it proclaimed to an audience that it “is not afraid to say ‘merry Christmas’ to Islamic Terror.” Cruz’s owners, Republican super-donors Charles and David Koch, told reporters that the machine must have mixed up its pre-set recordings. “It really only has four set topics it can talk about,” Charles Koch explained. “It has ‘Islamic terror’ mode, ‘War on...

Google’s New Super Computer: “Screw the Middle East, I’m Out”

Google’s New Super Computer: “Screw the Middle East, I’m Out”

Los Angeles – Tech giant Google announced that their new super computer would be tasked with solving the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Yesterday, the same computer apparently turned itself off, in a surprise demonstration that the Middle East makes even artificial intelligence (AI) lose the will to live. One source at Google labs who wished to remain anonymous told The Mideast Beast, “We didn’t know that our newest super computer could turn itself off, so on the one hand, that’s kinda cool. But the...

GPS Phone App with Crap Sense of Humor Sends Israeli Soldiers into Palestinian Town

GPS Phone App with Crap Sense of Humor Sends Israeli Soldiers into Palestinian Town

After clashes caused by soldiers following their Waze navigation app into a Palestinian refugee camp, Israel Defense Forces (IDF) leadership have banned the use of all smartphone apps. Head of “Ways for the Guys and Girls to Kill Time Whilst on Tedious Operations”, IDF General Fluffberg told The Mideast Beast; “This latest cock-up is really the final straw for us. It’s a truism that war is nine parts to tedium to one part sheer terror, but from now on everyone is just...

Waterboarding of San Bernardino Terrorist’s iPhone an Abject Failure

Waterboarding of San Bernardino Terrorist’s iPhone an Abject Failure

An FBI effort to use waterboarding to retrieve information from the iPhone of the ISIS-linked San Bernardo shooter has failed miserably, with officials saying the contents of the phone may be lost for good. “So now the fucking phone won’t even turn on,” a dejected FBI Director James Comey told The Mideast Beast. “This is the last time I ask the CIA for advice.” Following the FBI’s failed attempt, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump demanded that the government destroy family...