Hamas has rebuked Israel for using their Iron Dome rocket defence system to intercept rockets which the organization claimed were not aimed at Israeli civilians but were in fact part of a fledgling space programme. “We’ve spent more than a decade trying to develop rockets which can successfully kill or maim Israeli civilians and it’s largely gone to waste since...
The recently discovered cavity in the Egyptian pyramids contained an ancient relic, archaeologists have revealed. Dr. Jackie Jackson, who led the research organized by BATY, the British Archaeological Team Youth, told The Mideast Beast: We found this mysterious item called a ‘Blackberry’. Apparently, they were very popular in the past, but it must’ve been well before my time.” “The Mummy...
Peace and prosperity have been achieved across the globe after US President Donald Trump ran out of data on his cell plan and was unable to use Twitter. The ensuing calm not only gave Americans a chance to catch their breaths but allowed world leaders to focus on solving their own countries’ problems. Within 48 hours, all conflicts had ended....
As part of the new Crown Prince initiative to democratize Saudi Arabia, the government has announced that they are launching a new social network called YallaBook. The initiative is set to replace Facebook, recently banned in the kingdom, “due to the corporation’s authoritarian structure,” according to Saudi officials. The Crown Prince has spent the last week promoting the new network....
After nearly two weeks, the United States Space Force has received its first mission; do something with all of the children being held by the government at the border. Today, President Donald Trump announced that he had directed his top Space Force generals, who were among the first to enlist a few days ago, to “take all those little brown...
In a move to enhance the battlefield effectiveness of its fighters, top ‘Islamic State’ commanders have had to impose a ban on ‘Battle Selfies’, which have become ever more prevalent as the terrorist group takes on increased numbers of western recruits. One ISIS commander told The Mideast Beast (TMB), “we’ve had a real problem with this in recent weeks as we’ve...
Descending from the heavens, God has touched down on Earth to announce a new, massive-real-life-multiplayer gaming experience known as Israel-Palestine 2. Flanked by lead developers and producers, Moses, Jesus, and Muhammad, God explained, “We feel that it’s time for a reboot. Things in Israel-Palestine 1 have started getting a little stale. Don’t get us wrong, everybody still loves the ’48...
In one of the latest viral internet stories, a recording of the word “Laurel” is heard by many as “Yanny”. While the original recording was actually “Laurel”, the alternate version can be heard if the individual has a deficiency hearing certain frequencies, or if certain frequency information is deliberately lowered and others are intentionally increased. A number of similar phrases...
ISIS has reportedly been devastated by the recent Bitcoin crash. The Mideast Beast was able to speak with members of ISIS’ investment branch, Jihad Investments and Security Matters or “JISM,” to detail the devastation wrought by the declining prices. “We bought at around $19,000 and now its back down around $7,500. We poured 80% of our budget into this crap...
As the world applauded the historic engineering achievement which landed a space probe on a Comet 67P, some observers were less pleased. The Scientologist community was up in arms this past week over an alleged Israeli plan to ‘create an illegal settlement’ on Comet 67P, noting that several of the scientists involved in the Rosetta mission are Israeli and are...
The Mideast Beast has learned from White House sources that President Trump has requested all Middle East briefings be delivered in Tweet form. One aide told us, “He wouldn’t read any of the traditional briefings, so then we tried shortening and adding way more pictures but really nothing worked. But then we got the bright idea to just start tweeting them to...
This week the CIA and Mossad secretly announced pleasure as ISIS operatives accepted a shipment of Apple Watch gifts from their leader, or so they thought. Along with the usual weekly shipment of head-separating equipment, top ISIS officials found a box of Apple Watches with a note saying, “Mabrouk on the hard work. Your leader presents every fighter with 18-karat...
Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman and US Mideast envoy Jared Kushner have reached an agreement to end the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, with Israel keeping all its settlement blocs and the Palestinians receiving an independent state in ‘The Sims’ videogame. The deal, according to sources close to the prince, would see Jerusalem recognized as Israel’s capital, all settlements in the West...
Declaring that he would rather die than see his followers forced to live without his enlightening tweets, US President Donald Trump swallowed a small vile of poison after learning his Twitter account had been deactivated. Trump’s dramatic action took place after the president was rebuked for retweeting anti-Muslim videos posted by a right-wing British activist. When he was unable to...
Despite criticism of Twitter’s decision to double their character limit, there was also widespread hope that 280 characters would be too much for President Trump. Despite declaring himself as having “the best words”, Trump is noted for having a short attention span and being particularly inarticulate, leading many to believe that 280 whole characters might be a stretch too far...
Yearning for companionship, and running out of people in their immediate areas, recent reports have indicated that Saudi Arabia and Israel have changed the settings on their Tinder profiles to increase the search distance, and surprisingly, right swiped each other. According to sources close with both countries, the two have been talking nightly, and have even discussed making it “an...
Following a story in the Washington Post, journalists and pundits have questioned whether Jared Kushner had anything to do with the recent shakeups in Saudi Arabia. It claimed, “The two princes are said to have stayed up until nearly 4 am several nights, swapping stories and planning strategy.” Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman recently had several princes and other...
In another potential blow to his election campaign, Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore has been banned from the Saudi dating website “OK Muhammed” after users reported him for aggressively pursuing underage girls. While Saudi age of consent laws are far more lenient than those in the US, the dating application’s hosts felt that Moore took things a little too far....
On Monday, what remains of ISIS’ leadership, announced it had released a new app in hopes that it will make up for the heavy losses of territorial influence over the last few months, mainly from red, white and blue colored bombs. The terror group has made use of the technological skills of some of its captives to program the app....
A Palestinian-American has been stranded in the suburbs of Detroit after boycotting his Israeli GPS app midway through his journey. Farid Sabur and his family were heading for Lake Michigan from their New York City home when he decided to explore the settings on his GPS app, Waze. To his shock, he found that the app was produced in Israel....
