Technology

Other Weapon Systems Jealous of Israel’s “Iron Dome”

Other Weapon Systems Jealous of Israel’s “Iron Dome”

A drive to advance weapons design to the leading edge has backfired on the Israel Defense Force (IDF) as various pieces of equipment have become self aware and developed an overwhelming desire to see Iron Dome, Israel’s missile defense system, “brought down a peg or two”. A Mekarva IV tank from Jerusalem complained, “here I am busting a track to keep the Jewish people safe from a bunch of anti-tank wielding fanatics and what thanks do I get?” “Sweet fuck all!...

Passive-Aggressive Obama Facebook Tags Everyone but Netanyahu in UN Group Photo

Passive-Aggressive Obama Facebook Tags Everyone but Netanyahu in UN Group Photo

In yet another sign of their frosty relationship, U.S. President Barack Obama neglected to tag Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu in a group Facebook photo of world leaders at the recent United Nations General Assembly meeting in New York. Calling the incident “a grave insult to every Jew, Holocaust victim and democracy-loving fighter of global terror,” Netanyahu told the Sheldon Adelson-owned Israeli newspaper, Israel Hayom, that “Obama tagged every world leader except me – including genocidal Islamo-fascists like Iranian President Hassan...

ISIS Sleeper Cell Claims Responsibility for Removal of iPhone 7 Headphone Jack

ISIS Sleeper Cell Claims Responsibility for Removal of iPhone 7 Headphone Jack

The world is in shock following Apple’s launch of the iPhone 7 without a traditional headphone jack. While Apple attempted to placate the masses by offering Bluetooth ‘airpods’ to replace the old stalwart wired earbuds, many dark-web theorists believe that this signified the beginning of the downfall of Western civilization. These dire projections were validated when ISIS issued a statement formally claiming responsibility for this heinous design choice; “Mohammed Al-Jeniusbar, a soldier of the Caliphate, with help from Allah, carried out...

Recalled Samsung Galaxy Note7 Replacing Barrel Bombs Over Syria

Recalled Samsung Galaxy Note7 Replacing Barrel Bombs Over Syria

In a further blow to Samsung’s PR machine, recalled Galaxy Note7 smart phones are now the weapon of choice for Syrian government forces. Military press officer Mahmoud Goldstein commented, “To be honest we had been running out of things to drop from our helicopters, so Samsung has been a real life saver. Well obviously not if you’re standing under one of our gunships, but I think you know what I mean.” Syrian rebel fighter John al-Smith confirmed the very real...

ISIS to Implement 30-Hour Work Week

ISIS to Implement 30-Hour Work Week

ISIS has followed Amazon’s lead and launched a pilot program in which a few dozen fighters will engage in only 30 hours of Jihad-making each week. In return, they will receive 75% of their normal quota of sex slaves and retain full health care benefits. “The Islamic State is dedicated to improving its future martyrs’ work-life balance.” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi commented. “Pushing our warriors too hard is leading to some bad habits. For example, there’s a real epidemic...

Teenager Who Hacked into Iranian Government Website Rewarded with 72 Virgins

Teenager Who Hacked into Iranian Government Website Rewarded with 72 Virgins

A teenager who spent hours between school classes on his laptop, hacking websites belonging to the Iranian government, has been thanked for finding security gaps that could’ve been exploited by Iran’s enemies. 18-year old Atila Fikri was praised by Iranian Defense Minister Hossein Dehghan: “Anti-revolutionary, Zionist-funded, black-hat hackers are attempting to crash our networks. Once, during an all-night security meeting and pajama party with the President and Supreme Leader, I ordered a Veggie Lover’s Pizza online. What did we get instead?...

Turkey Shuts Down Social Media after Spat with Iran over Israel

Turkey Shuts Down Social Media after Spat with Iran over Israel

The Turkish government has blocked Facebook and Twitter after a public dust-up involving the Islamic Republic of Iran, Israel and a slew of attack fans. “Real fans of martial law and mass arrests wouldn’t be throwing shade at my new friends,” Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan tweeted after supporters of his regime got hostile over a picture of him and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu together in a Turkish bathhouse in Istanbul. Erdogan and Netanyahu have been spending a lot of time...

It’s Official: ISIS Executes Mr. Mime Pokémon

It’s Official: ISIS Executes Mr. Mime Pokémon

ISIS member, Mohammed Abdulrahman had been playing Pokémon GO when he stumbled upon a Mr. Mime in the ISIS occupied territory of Mosul. “I was hoping to catch a Pikachu. I was pretty disappointed to find it was this annoying Pokémon.” After watching it flail his hands and yell ‘Mr. Mime’ over and over, Mohammed reported the psychic Pokémon to authorities where it was immediately placed under arrest and beheaded. RELATED: “PokéAJew GO” Launches in Saudi Arabia After Pokémon Fatwa The...

“PokéAJew GO” Launches in Saudi Arabia After Pokémon Fatwa

“PokéAJew GO” Launches in Saudi Arabia After Pokémon Fatwa

With the phenomenon of Pokémon Go capturing the world’s attention, Saudi Arabia took a quick breather from banning women from driving, men from being too handsome, and dogs from participating in beauty pageants to focus on what’s really important: reviving their 2001 fatwa on Pokémon. “Rattata, Primeape, and Tepig are clearly Zionist Jews!” declared leading member of the General Secretariat of the Council of Religious Scholars and Misogynists, Abdulaziz Al-Asheikh. “Pokémon are symbols of the global Zionist conspiracy. This ‘game’ is...

ISIS Renounces Islam Following Saudi Fatwa Banning ‘Pokemon Go’

ISIS Renounces Islam Following Saudi Fatwa Banning ‘Pokemon Go’

Admitting that he “may have been wrong about America,” ISIS Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has reportedly renounced Islam after top Saudi clerics issued a fatwa banning the playing of the hit iPhone game ‘Pokemon Go.’ “After three years of wandering around the desert in mind-numbing boredom looking for infidels to behead, Pokemon Go was a welcome relief for me and my army of mujahedeen, who loved tracking down Jigglypuffs and Pikachus when they couldn’t find any Christians or Shia to...

Weapons Inspectors Demand Access to Iranian Military Sites to Collect Pokémon

Weapons Inspectors Demand Access to Iranian Military Sites to Collect Pokémon

VIENNA — Last year’s nuclear deal between Iran and the West may now be in jeopardy, as weapons inspectors are demanding access to sensitive military sites at which Pokémon has been discovered. “While Iran had been in compliance with the terms of the agreement up to this point, Iranian officials have now refused to allow our inspectors to enter off-limit sites- even in cases where the inspectors see a rare and much-needed Pokémon character within reach,” Yukiya Amano, chief of...

As Pokémon GO Wreaks Havoc Across U.S., CIA Confirms Iran is Behind the Game

As Pokémon GO Wreaks Havoc Across U.S., CIA Confirms Iran is Behind the Game

QUANTICO — For years, Americans have been told to fear the looming monster of a nuclear Iran, and so we have.  But, in a classic M. Night Shyamalan twist, the real monsters were in our pockets all along.  Pocket Monsters ‘Pokémon,’ as they’re called on the street, have begun to pop up across the United States thanks to the new mobile game, ‘Pokémon Go.’  Americans have begun to wander, without any discernable concern for their wellbeing, around their cities and...

ISIS Posts Damaging One-Star Review of USA on Yelp

ISIS Posts Damaging One-Star Review of USA on Yelp

President Obama thought his second term couldn’t get any worse…he was wrong. “This morning I was briefed about a damaging review listed on yelp.com purportedly from ISIS ” stated a visibly enraged Obama.  “Yelp has confirmed this is in fact their official account and not some 13 year old boy faking a review. Unfortunately, Yelp at this time cannot delete the review as too many followers have made comments. Let me warn ISIS that this type of vitriol will not...

Are You up for the ‘Iron Dome’ Challenge?

Are You up for the ‘Iron Dome’ Challenge?

Following the success of the Ice Bucket Challenge in aid of ALS, Hamas and the IDF have been moved to create their very own charity fundraising scheme. Saul Starstein, Director of Giving for the IDF explained more. “We all accept that our media profile is really not that great. Now’s not the time to get into the blame game of ‘who fired first’…though they totally did. But now we’ve reached across borders to join hands with our recent enemies and bring...

Al Jazeera America Relocates to Israel, New Staff is All Female

Al Jazeera America Relocates to Israel, New Staff is All Female

The popular Qatari-backed news network has responded aggressively to a multimillion-dollar anti-female, anti-Semitic and anti-American bias lawsuit by moving its headquarters from New York City to Jerusalem and firing its male staffers. “We love women, we love Jews and we love America: just not in Arabic,” network CEO Sheldon Asfour said today. Asfour then outlined how his network has provided hope to American immigrants: “We opened our doors to refugees and outcasts from around the world. Muslim Brotherhood members fleeing...

Iran Begins Importing Floppy Disks, Raising Concerns over Nuclear Breakout

Iran Begins Importing Floppy Disks, Raising Concerns over Nuclear Breakout

In a move that has alarmed U.S. officials and raised concerns over a potential nuclear breakout, the Islamic Republic Iran has begun importing large quantities of 1970s-era floppy disks. “There is only one possible use for these items, and that is to store information essential to controlling a nuclear arsenal,” U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry said in a news conference. “It pains me to say it, but this move makes me question Iran’s intentions regarding its nuclear program.” Iran’s...

Pentagon Admits to Using Floppy Disks for Nuke Codes; Armageddon now a Guarantee

Pentagon Admits to Using Floppy Disks for Nuke Codes; Armageddon now a Guarantee

While many Americans have been hypnotized by the interminable coverage of Hillary Clinton’s email security snafus, other damaging details have recently come to light regarding the US government’s notorious vibe of technological illiteracy. According to a new report, the Pentagon is still relying upon computing systems from the 1970’s that require floppy disks to coordinate intercontinental ballistic missiles and nuclear bombers. Department of Defense representative Ayma Luddite admitted to The Mideast Beast via a series of telegraphs: “We just never made...

Security Concerned They Won’t Be Able to Tell if Iran Replaces Clinton With Robot Lookalike

Security Concerned They Won’t Be Able to Tell if Iran Replaces Clinton With Robot Lookalike

A lot of energy has been spent disparaging Hillary Clinton throughout this Presidential rat race.  Trump supporters, Bernie Bros – they’ve all taken their shots.  But today, a new group added their two cents.  The Secret Service has expressed concern that Clinton, who is known for having all the integrity of a deposed Nigerian prince e-mailing you to ask for money, could easily be replaced by a robotic lookalike without them noticing any difference. RELATED: Sanders Voters Torn Between Voting for Hillary...

FBI Pestering Israel for Constant Tech Support After San Bernadino iPhone Hack

FBI Pestering Israel for Constant Tech Support After San Bernadino iPhone Hack

News sources are reporting this week that an Israeli tech company assisted the FBI in hacking San Bernadino terrorist Syed Rizwan Farook’s iPhone, leading many to wonder what other problems Israel can solve for hapless American government agencies. An FBI representative spoke to a Mideast Beast correspondent earlier today on condition of anonymity, excitedly stating that Israel’s assistance was a “game changer,” and not only on the issue of digital forensics: “Nobody who works at the FBI can walk into...

Apple Dispute Finally Resolved, As San Bernardino Terrorist’s Password Turns Out to be ‘1, 2, 3, 4’

Apple Dispute Finally Resolved, As San Bernardino Terrorist’s Password Turns Out to be ‘1, 2, 3, 4’

A legal showdown between the U.S. government and Apple over the FBI’s demand that the company unlock the iPhone of the San Bernardino terrorist has been solved after FBI investigators discovered the shooter’s password was “1, 2, 3, 4.” The government had demanded that Apple provide investigators with access to data in the shooter’s phone that they believe may reveal new information regarding the terror attack, which left 12 people dead last December. Apple, however, insisted unlocking the phone would establish...