Technology

Israel Changes Stance From “Nuclear Ambiguity” to “Just Don’t Tell America”

Israel Changes Stance From “Nuclear Ambiguity” to “Just Don’t Tell America”

The Israeli government has long pursued a stance of “nuclear ambiguity,” neither denying nor admitting to possessing stocks of nuclear weapons. However, recently the government has pretty much stopped caring, and is only not telling America about the weapons. According to the transcript of a conversation obtained by The Israeli Daily, India asked Israel:   “Soooo, do you guys really have nukes?’ during an awkward pause in the conversation. Israel reportedly glanced dartingly around the room and replied “dude I...

Millions Wanting Some Peace and Quiet are Flocking to Israeli Settlements

Millions Wanting Some Peace and Quiet are Flocking to Israeli Settlements

News that the cellular giant Orange is ‘cutting ties with Israeli firm’, has led to an influx of Israelis into settlements in an attempt to “just get away from it all.” Jacob Dudu commented, “I just want the opportunity to have a day outside of city-life without having to listen to some dick’s inane conversation with his new girlfriend. Why don’t both of you put the fucking phone down first and just shut the fuck up? So if this new...

ISIL Invades World of Warcraft

ISIL Invades World of Warcraft

World of Warcraft’s millions of players reacted with horror as a new force, ISIL, stormed across Azeroth with a force greater than any Horde. Within hours, ISIL had seized Stormwind City and was well on their way to taking all of the Southern reaches. Players described ISIL’s forces as without mercy. “My buddies and I were questing around the Swamp of Sorrows,” 57th level dwarven warrior, Bargotharang the Flatulent — who was unwilling to give his real name because he...

Instagram Closes Qatar’s Account Due to Deadly Boring Images

Instagram Closes Qatar’s Account Due to Deadly Boring Images

The Photo-sharing service Instagram Wednesday deleted a page opened by the Qatar Tourism Authority in response to repeated complaints that its pictures were causing a loss of satisfaction, apathy, chronic fatigue and low physical energy. According to Instagram CEO Raven Moorhead: “We as a policy will not post any images that induce physical discomfort in our viewers. Sorry Qatar, but how many pictures of golf courses, shopping malls and conference halls can a person consume without slipping into a soft coma?” This...

Drones Establish Autonomous Country in Northwest Pakistan

Drones Establish Autonomous Country in Northwest Pakistan

The region of Waziristan, on the Afghanistan-Pakistan border, has earned the appellation ‘Stan of Stans’ for being literally the worst place on this planet for humans to live. The Stanhabitants have endured several centuries of bloody warfare, occasionally interrupted by famine to keep everyone on their toes. Since 2004, the area has been the epicenter of America’s ‘Drone War’, with over 400 strikes killing 1,654 militants, 407 civilians, 690 civilized militants, 72 militarized civilians, 14 people who were neither very...

Iranian Leader: “Iran Needs Nuclear Weapons to Deter Ultron”

Iranian Leader: “Iran Needs Nuclear Weapons to Deter Ultron”

Disarray descended in Switzerland following Ayatollah Khamenei’s surprise speech in which he insisted on Iran’s need for nuclear weapons to fight “that nose-less killer robot, Ultron.” The tearful supreme leader explained that he’d previously been unaware of the danger posed by the “mechanical murderer.” “Last night I walked in on my grandsons watching television. At first I thought it was a bootlegged western movie, which would of course be haram. However they explained to me that it was the BBC.”...

Opening US airspace will lead to ‘rain of terrorists’

Opening US airspace will lead to ‘rain of terrorists’

US airline bosses are warning that an open skies agreement allowing non-US airlines to operate domestically within the US is the biggest terrorist threat since 9/11. “You let non-US airlines to operate here and that means that you have to let the Middle Eastern ones in,” cautioned, aviation analyst Michael J Preston. “That means it’s going to be literally raining terrorists. I’ve been at JFK when some of those flights come in and it’s easier to count the guys without...

War to become a giant, unending game of Ping-Pong, as Israel transfers Iron Dome technology to Hamas

War to become a giant, unending game of Ping-Pong, as Israel transfers Iron Dome technology to Hamas

A human being from the UN Human Rights Council has chastised Israel for not sharing its air defense system technology with Hamas. “Has war not always been the realm of fairness? Well, this is just unfair. What we witnessed last summer was the Israelis waging genocide against people that they force to live in tunnels. Though if we’re being honest, I’m not exactly sure what genocide really means. I’ll have to consult with Penelope Cruz on that.” Nevertheless, Israel has agreed, albeit reluctantly, to transfer a...

Israeli Tech Company Invents Something That Has Something To Do With Data and Social Networking Or Some Sort of Integration

Israeli Tech Company Invents Something That Has Something To Do With Data and Social Networking Or Some Sort of Integration

Israeli Tech Company, DigityzeMe, unveiled this week it’s new product expected to revolutionize something related to how people communicate or interact with people or machines online.   The platform, set for release at the beginning of the summer, will have something to do with enabling companies to do something with users data and somehow help customers create some sort of online community that has something to do with organizing people together. “We set out on this project because we spotted a...

Iran’s Supreme Leader Worried Obama’s “Getting Kind of Stalkery”

Iran’s Supreme Leader Worried Obama’s “Getting Kind of Stalkery”

A shaken Ayatollah Ali Khamenei today came to the local UN police precinct to report his fear that President Obama is “getting kind of stalkery.” When questioned, Khamenei admitted his concern that he might have led the President on. “Back in 2009, Obama sent me a letter. I was flattered: he’s young, handsome, and has the whole ‘hope’ thing going. Can you imagine him interested in an old guy like me?” Describing his response letter Khamenei insisted that he’s ‘no...

Israel to Install ‘Applause-O-Meter’ in Gaza to Gauge Severity of Terror Attacks

Israel to Install ‘Applause-O-Meter’ in Gaza to Gauge Severity of Terror Attacks

Israel has announced plans to install the Applause-O-Meter in the neighboring Gaza Strip. “Immediately following attacks in Israel, the Gaza Strip always erupts in celebration,” we were told by the IDF officer behind the project, Avner Benrimon. “There’s singing, dancing, clapping, treats, and general merriment. I just had the idea to take advantage of these activities.” The idea is to gain the ability to immediately assess the severity of a terror attack by reading the registered level of the Applause-O-Meter in...

Iron Dome Selfies “not a good idea”

Iron Dome Selfies “not a good idea”

A startling new report from the Institute of Basic Common Sense, suggests that in general people should use the time given by the warning siren of incoming rockets to seek immediate shelter for themselves and their families. In a move guaranteed to cause controversy it suggests that people using the time to position themselves for the perfect Instagram image are, in its words, “fuck nuts!” RELATED: ISIS bans ‘battlefield selfies’ Kevin Bloom from the Institute explained, “There’s a couple of things...

Saudi Arabian Government Representative Caught Trolling for Nuclear Bomb on eBay

Saudi Arabian Government Representative Caught Trolling for Nuclear Bomb on eBay

A businessman with close ties to many top Saudi Arabian princes has been actively searching for a doomsday weapon to purchase, on the e-commerce company eBay’s website. “Game on,” Khaled Khalifa – one of the founders of the Saudi banking industry – tweeted over the weekend after the framework for a nuclear deal was reached in Lausanne between Iran and Western powers. While the Saudi Arabian government has officially welcomed the pact with Tehran, Khalifa is deeply skeptical. RELATED: Israel to...

Saudi Physicist Discovers Cure for Gravity

Saudi Physicist Discovers Cure for Gravity

A Saudi Arabian scientist has unlocked the secret to creating zero gravity on earth (allowing us to do cool crap like in the image above). If confirmed, the breakthrough could revolutionize space exploration and slash the energy demands of travel and transportation. Al Arabiya reported, “While the Islamic Golden Age’s most lasting contribution to humanity has been the creation of algebra, that achievement confused and infuriated hundreds of millions of people over the last 14 centuries. Ending gravity’s hold on mankind should...

Inspired by India, ‘Islamic State’ Wants a Satellite

Inspired by India, ‘Islamic State’ Wants a Satellite

Inspired by India’s becoming the first Asian nation to place a satellite in orbit around Mars, the ‘Islamic State’ (IS) has said that it will become the first ‘country’ in the Muslim world to achieve the same feat. Speaking at the launch of the initiative, IS’ newly appointed Minister of Scientific Advancement, Ibrahim al Battani said that it was the role of IS to inspire future generations of Muslims with such a bold endeavour. “I was watching our satellite TV hookup...

ISIS falsifies Twitter followers

ISIS falsifies Twitter followers

ISIS’ Head of Social Media for Apocalyptic Doctrine has been forced to resign after it was found that he had been artificially inflating the number of followers for the group’s main Twitter accounts, with the total number of accounts operating on behalf of ISIS is somewhere around 46,000. At an official press conference in Raqqa, Anwar al-Bibi told the assembled media that he would be stepping down from his post as head of the Islamic State’s Social Media Unit after it was...

UK Leaders Accidentally Attend Public Execution in Riyadh on Way to Honoring Deceased Saudi King

UK Leaders Accidentally Attend Public Execution in Riyadh on Way to Honoring Deceased Saudi King

En route to offering their condolences following the death of King Abdullah in late January, Prince Charles and British Prime Minister David Cameron inadvertently witnessed a stoning in Riyadh’s Deera Square of over two dozen men and women accused of adultery. “How unfortunate.” the Prince of Wales reportedly remarked when confronted with an example of Saudi Arabia’s violent judicial system. “I was hoping for some face time with the new chap. I really don’t think we have time for local...

Doh! Israeli Official Lets the Cat out of the Bag

Doh! Israeli Official Lets the Cat out of the Bag

In what can be definitively called one of Israel’s worst gaffes, a senior official appears to have inadvertently confirmed the existence of Israel’s long-mysterious nuclear program. While many critics have maintained for decades that Israel has been secretly stockpiling nuclear weapons, Israel has remained characteristically non-committal. According to witnesses of the error, a senior Israeli official was having a discussion with a group of other foreign diplomats when he said, “Yeah, what can we do about the Palestinians? It’s not...

Abbas to Resign as PA President, Will Relocate to International Space Station

Abbas to Resign as PA President, Will Relocate to International Space Station

Mahmoud Abbas shocked the world early Wednesday morning by announcing his intention to step down as Palestinian Authority President in six weeks’ time and join the International Space Station (ISS) habitable artificial satellite. “My prostate’s the size of a melon. Zero gravity will help with the swelling,” the Palestinian statesman said after the UN Security Council rejected a resolution on ending the Israeli occupation earlier in the week. While other crewmembers are conducting experiments in biology, human biology, physics, astronomy and meteorology, Abbas plans to “close my...

Operation ‘Frenemy’ begins in Syria

Operation ‘Frenemy’ begins in Syria

Up until now as confusing as Bashar al-Assad’s wispy moustache, America’s war against ISIS in Syria will soon hone in on who the enemy exactly is by incorporating that most effective weapon of mass distraction: the text message. Rebels of questionable allegiance will be sent this electronic message: “USA: BFF or DOA?” Based on their answers, the White House will either increase funding or have the Pentagon throwdown hardcore. RELATED: Saudi pilot earns MVP award for ISIS strike in Syria White...