Technology

Syria’s President Set to Resign After Discovery of Private E-mail Account
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Syria’s President Set to Resign After Discovery of Private E-mail Account

Syrian President Bashar al-Assad announced that he will resign from his position after it was discovered that he had been using a private e-mail account to conduct government business, leading opponents and supporters alike to question whether Assad is trustworthy. As of recent, he is the second high-profile individual to face this accusation. “While I was bothered by Mr. Assad’s...

Palestinian Authority Unveils “RiotFind” App
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Palestinian Authority Unveils “RiotFind” App

Seeking to prove once and for all that there’s room in the region for more than one high-tech powerhouse, the Palestinian Authority today unveiled the “RiotFind” app now available in all app stores. President Abbas explained, “no more will hooligans have to wander aimlessly schlepping heavy rocks, hoping to find like-minded fellows, inclined to smack a Zionist upside his head....

Iranian Leader Strangely Congratulates Ann Coulter’s Twitter Message
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Iranian Leader Strangely Congratulates Ann Coulter’s Twitter Message

Sources in Iran’s opposition movement report the Supreme Leader was ‘giddy as hell’ when he heard Conservative pundit Ann Coulter was tweeting about Jews and Israel during Wednesday night’s GOP debate. “How many f—ing Jews do these people think there are in the United States?” read her post accusing presidential hopefuls of pandering to Jewish voters. The source revealed Ayatollah...

Israel Considers Banning Arabs from Science Classes after Arrest of Muslim Boy ‘Bomber’ in Texas
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Israel Considers Banning Arabs from Science Classes after Arrest of Muslim Boy ‘Bomber’ in Texas

JERUSALEM – Citing fears that they will use their classroom knowledge to “open a new front of jihadist terror,” Israel’s education minister has taken the extraordinary step of proposing a bill, dubbed ‘The Next Ahmed’s Law,’ to prohibit hundreds of thousands of Arab school children from attending science lessons. In a televised press conference, Naftali Bennett, leader of the religious...

Israel: We Never Had a Nuclear Program But It Was Too Awkward To Admit It
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Israel: We Never Had a Nuclear Program But It Was Too Awkward To Admit It

Dimona, southern Israel — In a shocking news conference broadcast around the globe, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu admitted that his country has been bluffing over the last 60 years about having a nuclear program. “You know how you tell a girl some impressive bullshit on a first date and then suddenly it’s too late to admit you lied? That’s...

The Jumbotron to be Installed Atop the Temple Mount in Jerusalem
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The Jumbotron to be Installed Atop the Temple Mount in Jerusalem

A journalist from The Mideast Beast using fake BBC press credentials has learned the gigantic-screen television system known as Jumbotron will be put in place atop Haram al-Sharif (also known as the Temple Mount) and used for lectures, sermons and hate speeches by the firebrand Palestinian cleric Issam Amira at Al-Aqsa Mosque. The screen is designed to accommodate very large...

Massive Likeness of Netanyahu to be Carved into Masada
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Massive Likeness of Netanyahu to be Carved into Masada

With a campaign launched to add Barack Obama to Mount Rushmore, the iconic American national landmark featuring 60-foot high sculptured heads of four United States presidents immortalized in granite, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu another egocentric man of the people wasted no time with plans for a monumental likeness of himself to be chiseled into the cliffs of Masada, the ancient...

Diplomatic Crisis as Obama Unfriends Netanyahu on Facebook
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Diplomatic Crisis as Obama Unfriends Netanyahu on Facebook

JERUSALEM – The icy relationship between President Obama and Prime Minister Netanyahu hit a new, almost too-hard-to-believe low this week, with the American president ‘unfriending’ the Israeli Premier on Facebook. Though it’s unclear exactly when Obama made the move to delete his Israeli counterpart as a Facebook friend – most likely around the time Netanyahu accepted Boehner’s controversial invite –...

Defense Department Asks Twitter Users Who U.S. Should Bomb
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Defense Department Asks Twitter Users Who U.S. Should Bomb

Building on the great success of the State Department’s initiative allowing Tweeters to weigh in on how to prevent terrorism, the Pentagon has unveiled its new “#WhoElseShouldWeBomb?” campaign. “We want your input. Share who you’d like us to attack. Are Iraq and Syria enough or are there countries we’re forgetting?” the Department of Defense’s official Twitter account Tweeted early Saturday, ending with...

Toyota Issues Urgent Recall Following Gaza Explosions
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Toyota Issues Urgent Recall Following Gaza Explosions

Toyota has ordered an immediate recall of all Corollas in the Gaza area following a mysterious set of explosions. A spokesman for the Japanese car giant said, “We’ve had problems with the AC on the 1992 models before, but to be honest we’ve never had a whole bunch just spontaneously combust. It’s a mystery we must get to the bottom...

Report: Syrian Government Quits Social Media
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Report: Syrian Government Quits Social Media

Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has cancelled Syria’s membership on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, and all other social media networking sites. “We’re dead, baby. Our funeral will be bigger than Princess Diana’s. We’ve booked Elton John and George Michael who will be duetting, ‘Don’t Let The Sun Go Down on Me’,” the Syrian strongman tweeted before deleting his country’s official Twitter account....

New Suez Canal Path a Major Blunder
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New Suez Canal Path a Major Blunder

In what is set to be remembered as one of the biggest engineering blunders in history, Egypt’s Ministry of Canals and Waterworks admitted today that the new Suez Canal has probably been excavated “along a wrong path”. The project, earmarked at over 8 billion US Dollars, began two decades ago and was supposed to be dug on a parallel path...

Iran Suspected of Hacking into CIA Website and Planting Funny Computer Virus
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Iran Suspected of Hacking into CIA Website and Planting Funny Computer Virus

Cybercriminals from the Islamic Republic of Iran have allegedly stolen tens of thousands of documents related to the country’s nuclear weapons capabilities from the Central Intelligence Agency. Even more disturbing, the computer pirates wanted the United States to know that its security had been violated. According to a shadowy figure with a Charlie Chaplin-esque mustache and reported ties to Iran’s...

Islamic State Grabs ‘MILF’ Brand
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Islamic State Grabs ‘MILF’ Brand

Public Relations experts with the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIL) have expressed delight at the recent decision by the Moro Islamic Liberation Front (MILF) to hand over their weapons and enter a peace accord with the government of the Philippines. “This is just a great opportunity for us to rebrand as the Muslim Islamic Liberation Front. We’ve...

Radical Offshoot of Obama Administration Actively Building Centrifuges in Iran
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Radical Offshoot of Obama Administration Actively Building Centrifuges in Iran

While negotiations between the U.S. and Iran over the latter’s nuclear program near a key deadline, one radical splinter group of former Obama administration officials has taken matters into its own hands, sneaking into Iran to work on improving the country’s nuclear infrastructure. The group, which calls itself “Right to Enrich,” (RTE) broke off from the U.S. government after growing...

The Rise of ‘Tear Technology’
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The Rise of ‘Tear Technology’

Recently, scientists have recognized a stark decline of water in the Dead Sea. “This is a phenomenon that is irreversible!” said Israeli spokesperson Eyal Dudu. Previous attempts to refill this astounding landmark of nature have proven futile because the Dead Sea continues to reject all attempted water types, including seawater from the Mediterranean.  Scientist Edward Berg recently discovered that tears have a saline...