Technology

Islamic State’s TV Line-up a Surprise Hit in the United States
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Islamic State’s TV Line-up a Surprise Hit in the United States

When Time Warner Cable agreed to add The Islamic State’s (ISIL) TV station to its channel offerings, most shrugged. Now to everyone’s surprise, ISIL-TV’s grabbing all the buzz. “I love these shows,” wrote popular blogger Mr. Bud Uglee to his six loyal readers. “What on TV is funnier than Bringin’ Up Burkah? And dramas like Beheading Bad and Law &...

Anonymous Hacks U.S. Predator Drones, Begins Bombing ISIS Strongholds
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Anonymous Hacks U.S. Predator Drones, Begins Bombing ISIS Strongholds

In the aftermath of the recent terror attacks in Paris, the “hacktivist” group “Anonymous” vowed revenge against the terrorist group responsible.  Following a number of threats against ISIS, Anonymous began releasing and shutting down ISIS-linked Twitter accounts.  But today marks an escalation that no one expected.  As laser-guided missiles began to rain down on ISIS strongholds in Iraq and Syria,...

Islamic State’s Leader Shocked to Find his Name on Ashley Madison Website Leak
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Islamic State’s Leader Shocked to Find his Name on Ashley Madison Website Leak

The leader of the Islamic State, al-Baghdadi, was shocked to find his name on a list of other adulterers from the hacked Ashley Madison website. In a surprising twist, the Islamic State’s barbaric policy of rewarding fighters with victory slaves-brides did not lead to blossoming relationships. Al-Baghdadi told The Mideast Beast that he had simply “lost the sparks” with all his regular and slave-wives. The...

Leaked Tape Reveals Hamas Leader Begging Netanyahu to Invade Gaza
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Leaked Tape Reveals Hamas Leader Begging Netanyahu to Invade Gaza

An audio recording of Palestinian Hamas leader in Gaza, Ismail Haniyeh, imploring Israel’s Prime Minister to launch an all-out air, ground, and sea assault on the Gaza Strip has exploded on the Internet. “Benjamin, come on already! ISIS is a thorn in my throat. I’m choking here! Kindly have your military unleash a fresh wave of human suffering on Gaza. You don’t even...

Netflix To Expand Into Middle East, End All Conflicts
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Netflix To Expand Into Middle East, End All Conflicts

In the kind of world-changing announcement that usually only follows Ryan Seacrest saying, “the winner of American Idol is…,” Netflix revealed to the world that they were be expanding their services into one of the most explosive parts of the world, the Middle East. While this may not seem like big news to some, many analysts are viewing this expansion as a...

Epidemic Of “Scrotal Sunburns” Raging Across Mideast Is Result of “Nutscaping” Fad, Say Experts
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Epidemic Of “Scrotal Sunburns” Raging Across Mideast Is Result of “Nutscaping” Fad, Say Experts

It’s been described as “excruciating,” and “the worst pain ever,” by dozens of men currently icing their nether regions. In recent days, a fad known as “nutscaping” has cropped up where horrifying fads like this tend to, on the interweb. The idea behind nutscaping (you can’t see us shuddering with horror, but rest assured, we are) is that adventurous men...

Drone’s War Memoir Earns Critical Acclaim
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Drone’s War Memoir Earns Critical Acclaim

Just as critics declared the market for war memoirs is saturated, a book from a wholly different perspective may now take the country by storm. Feeling Controlled by MQ-9 C37r, a General Atomics Reaper (formerly known as the Predator B), is receiving the sort of pre-release buzz most books can only dream about. Feeling Controlled is more than just a...

Syria’s President Set to Resign After Discovery of Private E-mail Account
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Syria’s President Set to Resign After Discovery of Private E-mail Account

Syrian President Bashar al-Assad announced that he will resign from his position after it was discovered that he had been using a private e-mail account to conduct government business, leading opponents and supporters alike to question whether Assad is trustworthy. As of recent, he is the second high-profile individual to face this accusation. “While I was bothered by Mr. Assad’s...

Palestinian Authority Unveils “RiotFind” App
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Palestinian Authority Unveils “RiotFind” App

Seeking to prove once and for all that there’s room in the region for more than one high-tech powerhouse, the Palestinian Authority today unveiled the “RiotFind” app now available in all app stores. President Abbas explained, “no more will hooligans have to wander aimlessly schlepping heavy rocks, hoping to find like-minded fellows, inclined to smack a Zionist upside his head....

Iranian Leader Strangely Congratulates Ann Coulter’s Twitter Message
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Iranian Leader Strangely Congratulates Ann Coulter’s Twitter Message

Sources in Iran’s opposition movement report the Supreme Leader was ‘giddy as hell’ when he heard Conservative pundit Ann Coulter was tweeting about Jews and Israel during Wednesday night’s GOP debate. “How many f—ing Jews do these people think there are in the United States?” read her post accusing presidential hopefuls of pandering to Jewish voters. The source revealed Ayatollah...

Israel Considers Banning Arabs from Science Classes after Arrest of Muslim Boy ‘Bomber’ in Texas
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Israel Considers Banning Arabs from Science Classes after Arrest of Muslim Boy ‘Bomber’ in Texas

JERUSALEM – Citing fears that they will use their classroom knowledge to “open a new front of jihadist terror,” Israel’s education minister has taken the extraordinary step of proposing a bill, dubbed ‘The Next Ahmed’s Law,’ to prohibit hundreds of thousands of Arab school children from attending science lessons. In a televised press conference, Naftali Bennett, leader of the religious...

Israel: We Never Had a Nuclear Program But It Was Too Awkward To Admit It
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Israel: We Never Had a Nuclear Program But It Was Too Awkward To Admit It

Dimona, southern Israel — In a shocking news conference broadcast around the globe, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu admitted that his country has been bluffing over the last 60 years about having a nuclear program. “You know how you tell a girl some impressive bullshit on a first date and then suddenly it’s too late to admit you lied? That’s...

The Jumbotron to be Installed Atop the Temple Mount in Jerusalem
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The Jumbotron to be Installed Atop the Temple Mount in Jerusalem

A journalist from The Mideast Beast using fake BBC press credentials has learned the gigantic-screen television system known as Jumbotron will be put in place atop Haram al-Sharif (also known as the Temple Mount) and used for lectures, sermons and hate speeches by the firebrand Palestinian cleric Issam Amira at Al-Aqsa Mosque. The screen is designed to accommodate very large...

Massive Likeness of Netanyahu to be Carved into Masada
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Massive Likeness of Netanyahu to be Carved into Masada

With a campaign launched to add Barack Obama to Mount Rushmore, the iconic American national landmark featuring 60-foot high sculptured heads of four United States presidents immortalized in granite, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu another egocentric man of the people wasted no time with plans for a monumental likeness of himself to be chiseled into the cliffs of Masada, the ancient...

Diplomatic Crisis as Obama Unfriends Netanyahu on Facebook
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Diplomatic Crisis as Obama Unfriends Netanyahu on Facebook

JERUSALEM – The icy relationship between President Obama and Prime Minister Netanyahu hit a new, almost too-hard-to-believe low this week, with the American president ‘unfriending’ the Israeli Premier on Facebook. Though it’s unclear exactly when Obama made the move to delete his Israeli counterpart as a Facebook friend – most likely around the time Netanyahu accepted Boehner’s controversial invite –...

Defense Department Asks Twitter Users Who U.S. Should Bomb
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Defense Department Asks Twitter Users Who U.S. Should Bomb

Building on the great success of the State Department’s initiative allowing Tweeters to weigh in on how to prevent terrorism, the Pentagon has unveiled its new “#WhoElseShouldWeBomb?” campaign. “We want your input. Share who you’d like us to attack. Are Iraq and Syria enough or are there countries we’re forgetting?” the Department of Defense’s official Twitter account Tweeted early Saturday, ending with...

Toyota Issues Urgent Recall Following Gaza Explosions
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Toyota Issues Urgent Recall Following Gaza Explosions

Toyota has ordered an immediate recall of all Corollas in the Gaza area following a mysterious set of explosions. A spokesman for the Japanese car giant said, “We’ve had problems with the AC on the 1992 models before, but to be honest we’ve never had a whole bunch just spontaneously combust. It’s a mystery we must get to the bottom...