Technology

UK Leaders Accidentally Attend Public Execution in Riyadh on Way to Honoring Deceased Saudi King

UK Leaders Accidentally Attend Public Execution in Riyadh on Way to Honoring Deceased Saudi King

En route to offering their condolences following the death of King Abdullah in late January, Prince Charles and British Prime Minister David Cameron inadvertently witnessed a stoning in Riyadh’s Deera Square of over two dozen men and women accused of adultery. “How unfortunate.” the Prince of Wales reportedly remarked when confronted with an example of Saudi Arabia’s violent judicial system. “I was hoping for some face time with the new chap. I really don’t think we have time for local...

Doh! Israeli Official Lets the Cat out of the Bag

Doh! Israeli Official Lets the Cat out of the Bag

In what can be definitively called one of Israel’s worst gaffes, a senior official appears to have inadvertently confirmed the existence of Israel’s long-mysterious nuclear program. While many critics have maintained for decades that Israel has been secretly stockpiling nuclear weapons, Israel has remained characteristically non-committal. According to witnesses of the error, a senior Israeli official was having a discussion with a group of other foreign diplomats when he said, “Yeah, what can we do about the Palestinians? It’s not...

Abbas to Resign as PA President, Will Relocate to International Space Station

Abbas to Resign as PA President, Will Relocate to International Space Station

Mahmoud Abbas shocked the world early Wednesday morning by announcing his intention to step down as Palestinian Authority President in six weeks’ time and join the International Space Station (ISS) habitable artificial satellite. “My prostate’s the size of a melon. Zero gravity will help with the swelling,” the Palestinian statesman said after the UN Security Council rejected a resolution on ending the Israeli occupation earlier in the week. While other crewmembers are conducting experiments in biology, human biology, physics, astronomy and meteorology, Abbas plans to “close my...

Operation ‘Frenemy’ begins in Syria

Operation ‘Frenemy’ begins in Syria

Up until now as confusing as Bashar al-Assad’s wispy moustache, America’s war against ISIS in Syria will soon hone in on who the enemy exactly is by incorporating that most effective weapon of mass distraction: the text message. Rebels of questionable allegiance will be sent this electronic message: “USA: BFF or DOA?” Based on their answers, the White House will either increase funding or have the Pentagon throwdown hardcore. RELATED: Saudi pilot earns MVP award for ISIS strike in Syria White...

Leftist Party’s Gains Imperiled by Release of Chairman’s Workout Mix

Leftist Party’s Gains Imperiled by Release of Chairman’s Workout Mix

Reports that Israel’s leftist Labor Party’s Chairman, Isaac ‘Bougie’ Herzog lost his Apple ipod nano multi-touch weren’t thought to have much impact on Israel’s upcoming elections. Sure, it’s embarrassing – what grown man owns a Nano? – but at least there was no risk of leaked emails or humiliating selfies. That brief relief vanished as the still unidentified finder of Herzog’s Nano began releasing his workout mix, two songs at a time. Chanel 10 was the first to carry the revelation. “We’ve...

#AskHamas is trending… Hamas starts beheading

#AskHamas is trending… Hamas starts beheading

Hamas has executed the head of its twitter feed after claiming he was a ‘Mossad agent.’ In an ironic twist Hamas decided on removing the head’s head as the form of execution, pointing out such a method was ‘bang on trend.’ The decision was made after the bungling media wing of the fun loving terror group had the bright idea of launching the #askhamas campaign in English across social media. “We can’t let people actually know what we’re like!” exclaimed...

Hurray for Pallywood!

Hurray for Pallywood!

It’s all “Lights, Cameras, Action” this year and we don’t mean the sky above Gaza. That’s because the Palestinian Authority has announced it will open Pallywood Studios in Syria after the roaring success of its summer collection of short films and photographs in 2014. Previously only shot with a hand camera, a dose of deceit and editing software, the new centre will offer 1,000 jobs to Hamas and Fatah officials with none for the general Palestinian public. Speculative internships are welcome. RELATED: In...

White House Confirms: Netanyahu’s Congress Speech to be Tape Delayed

White House Confirms: Netanyahu’s Congress Speech to be Tape Delayed

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has acquiesced to a request from the Obama administration that his March 3 speech to Congress be broadcast with a 30-second delay. White House Assistant Press Secretary C. Robert Smiley said on Thursday “We do not intend to censor Prime Minister Netanyahu’s address, so long as he refrains from articulating certain words and expressions that we believe could impede our ongoing negotiations with the Iranian government during this particularly sensitive period.” RELATED: Not inviting Netanyahu to...

Free WiFi across Israel gives everyone the chance to troll and flame to their heart’s content

Free WiFi across Israel gives everyone the chance to troll and flame to their heart’s content

In a move almost certain to improve the level of public discourse on critical issues of the day, the Israeli government is expanding its already-free Wi-Fi access to the entire country. Soon, Internet addicts won’t have to wait till they get home or to the nearest coffee shop before indulging in trolling or online slanging matches. One poorly informed resident of Tel Aviv was thrilled. “Right at the moment when a half baked thought enters my head, I sometimes have to...

Breaking News: Al-Baghdadi Disbands ISIS Due to Poor Reception on iPhone

Breaking News: Al-Baghdadi Disbands ISIS Due to Poor Reception on iPhone

Following weeks of dropped calls and slow Internet access, as well as several failed attempts at acquiring the latest iPhone 6, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has called off the establishment of an Islamic State due to poor cellphone reception near the Syrian-Iraqi border. “In my haste to establish a safe haven for jihadists and a model society living under the banner of Islam, I overlooked the most important condition needed to return to the greatness of the Prophet’s time;...

ISIS launches S.T.E.M. initiative

ISIS launches S.T.E.M. initiative

The ISIS Science Directorate has announced that it will be launching a S.T.E.M. initiative to advance the education of science, technology, engineering and mathematics‎. Speaking to The Israeli Daily, recently appointed science minister, Ali bin Khalifa, said that the Islamic State recognised the need to develop teaching in these subjects in order to secure its future; “Let’s all just be really honest, things have deteriorated somewhat from when we invented ‘zero’”. “We are particularly interested in the practical applications of science...

Hamas to Be the First to Explore New Galaxy

Hamas to Be the First to Explore New Galaxy

Rockets captured by Israeli forces during last summer’s war with Gaza will soon be headed to a galaxy far, far away. Engineers at one Israeli aerospace corporation have found a way to combine thousands of Hamas rockets to launch a new spacecraft to explore the Andromeda Galaxy. “It’s a scientific breakthrough”, said David Dudu, the CEO of the aerospace corporation. It is also a bold move, as our closest spiral neighbor is just over 2 million light years away. The spacecraft will travel at the...

ISIS Super Excited about the iPhone 6

ISIS Super Excited about the iPhone 6

In the weeks after the iPhone 6® launch, ISIS militants are super-excited about using the new technology. “It’s such a beautiful phone! ” exclaimed an ISIS militant getting into his Jeep®. “The camera quality on the iPhone 6® is unmatched! We can record an HD video of one of our head-removing sessions, and immediately upload it onto YouTube®, Facebook®, and Twitter® in a matter of seconds, greatly increasing our efficiency, and aiding in our fight against everything the West stands for.”...

Mobile networks outage causes everyone to lose their collective shit

Mobile networks outage causes everyone to lose their collective shit

Thursday afternoon saw a widespread hush descend across Israel for several hours, the cause of which was blamed on faulty cellular towers. A beefed up police presence and a rising sense of panic and uncertainty led to some comparisons with a standard terrorist attack with numerous people admitted to hospital rooms out of shock and a sudden mass onset of tinnitus. One Israeli phone user, staring madly into the middle distance, repeating, ‘Why? Why?’ in a deranged whisper.  A bystander told The...

Iron Dome to sell naming rights to make up monetary losses from last war

Iron Dome to sell naming rights to make up monetary losses from last war

Israel’s Head of Military Operations, Tomer Shalom, admitted today that the Iron Dome, Israel’s air defense system, has officially run out of funding and is now selling its naming rights to make up for the seriously-fucking-insane monetary losses suffered during the recent war. It is understood that the two strongest contenders are currently WAZE and Electra, both of which promise to improve the nation’s Iron Dome experience in the next war. “We want to make the Iron Dome a more social...

Yet Another Israeli Startup Is Bought

Yet Another Israeli Startup Is Bought

In completely unsurprising and boring news, another Silicon Valley tech firm has bought yet another Israeli startup. CompletelyOverValued.com, an online retailer that focuses on selling random useless shit at a substantial markup and inconveniently delivering it in a weekly box to consumers’ doors, is buying Israeli startup Vinechat for the tune of $2 billion. Vinechat has a monopoly on the coveted college student vintner market, enabling budding winemakers to share detailed 6-second long instructional videos before they are erased from...

Hamas unveils anti-UAV laser

Hamas unveils anti-UAV laser

Hamas has developed a remarkable new weapon system that could be used to shoot down unmanned drones. The humanitarian group received a $20 million grant from the Islamic State (IS) Office of Blasphemy Research to build a vehicle-mounted laser to shoot down the hated “flying tools of the Great Satan.” The Ground Laser Air Defense (GLAD) system uses a pickup-mounted platform that leverages “green” technology to power the 25kW laser. “Apparently the laser is powered by the tears of Palestinian...

Hamas gives Ultimatum on Airport via Instagram

Hamas gives Ultimatum on Airport via Instagram

Day 44 Since the collapse of the peace talks in Cairo, Hamas made an announcement via Instagram video of their latest request, followed by a threat. In poor Hebrew and using the 1977 filter, Hamas operatives stated “If we don’t get the 100 million NIS airport with a complete water park, KFC, and the nice security line that doesn’t make you take your shoes off, we will target Ben Gurion Aiport”. The caption was “We won’t stop until we get...