Technology

#AskHamas is trending… Hamas starts beheading

#AskHamas is trending… Hamas starts beheading

Hamas has executed the head of its twitter feed after claiming he was a ‘Mossad agent.’ In an ironic twist Hamas decided on removing the head’s head as the form of execution, pointing out such a method was ‘bang on trend.’ The decision was made after the bungling media wing of the fun loving terror group had the bright idea of launching the #askhamas campaign in English across social media. “We can’t let people actually know what we’re like!” exclaimed...

Hurray for Pallywood!

Hurray for Pallywood!

It’s all “Lights, Cameras, Action” this year and we don’t mean the sky above Gaza. That’s because the Palestinian Authority has announced it will open Pallywood Studios in Syria after the roaring success of its summer collection of short films and photographs in 2014. Previously only shot with a hand camera, a dose of deceit and editing software, the new centre will offer 1,000 jobs to Hamas and Fatah officials with none for the general Palestinian public. Speculative internships are welcome. RELATED: In...

White House Confirms: Netanyahu’s Congress Speech to be Tape Delayed

White House Confirms: Netanyahu’s Congress Speech to be Tape Delayed

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has acquiesced to a request from the Obama administration that his March 3 speech to Congress be broadcast with a 30-second delay. White House Assistant Press Secretary C. Robert Smiley said on Thursday “We do not intend to censor Prime Minister Netanyahu’s address, so long as he refrains from articulating certain words and expressions that we believe could impede our ongoing negotiations with the Iranian government during this particularly sensitive period.” RELATED: Not inviting Netanyahu to...

Free WiFi across Israel gives everyone the chance to troll and flame to their heart’s content

Free WiFi across Israel gives everyone the chance to troll and flame to their heart’s content

In a move almost certain to improve the level of public discourse on critical issues of the day, the Israeli government is expanding its already-free Wi-Fi access to the entire country. Soon, Internet addicts won’t have to wait till they get home or to the nearest coffee shop before indulging in trolling or online slanging matches. One poorly informed resident of Tel Aviv was thrilled. “Right at the moment when a half baked thought enters my head, I sometimes have to...

Breaking News: Al-Baghdadi Disbands ISIS Due to Poor Reception on iPhone

Breaking News: Al-Baghdadi Disbands ISIS Due to Poor Reception on iPhone

Following weeks of dropped calls and slow Internet access, as well as several failed attempts at acquiring the latest iPhone 6, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has called off the establishment of an Islamic State due to poor cellphone reception near the Syrian-Iraqi border. “In my haste to establish a safe haven for jihadists and a model society living under the banner of Islam, I overlooked the most important condition needed to return to the greatness of the Prophet’s time;...

ISIS launches S.T.E.M. initiative

ISIS launches S.T.E.M. initiative

The ISIS Science Directorate has announced that it will be launching a S.T.E.M. initiative to advance the education of science, technology, engineering and mathematics‎. Speaking to The Israeli Daily, recently appointed science minister, Ali bin Khalifa, said that the Islamic State recognised the need to develop teaching in these subjects in order to secure its future; “Let’s all just be really honest, things have deteriorated somewhat from when we invented ‘zero’”. “We are particularly interested in the practical applications of science...

Hamas to Be the First to Explore New Galaxy

Hamas to Be the First to Explore New Galaxy

Rockets captured by Israeli forces during last summer’s war with Gaza will soon be headed to a galaxy far, far away. Engineers at one Israeli aerospace corporation have found a way to combine thousands of Hamas rockets to launch a new spacecraft to explore the Andromeda Galaxy. “It’s a scientific breakthrough”, said David Dudu, the CEO of the aerospace corporation. It is also a bold move, as our closest spiral neighbor is just over 2 million light years away. The spacecraft will travel at the...

ISIS Super Excited about the iPhone 6

ISIS Super Excited about the iPhone 6

In the weeks after the iPhone 6® launch, ISIS militants are super-excited about using the new technology. “It’s such a beautiful phone! ” exclaimed an ISIS militant getting into his Jeep®. “The camera quality on the iPhone 6® is unmatched! We can record an HD video of one of our head-removing sessions, and immediately upload it onto YouTube®, Facebook®, and Twitter® in a matter of seconds, greatly increasing our efficiency, and aiding in our fight against everything the West stands for.”...

Mobile networks outage causes everyone to lose their collective shit

Mobile networks outage causes everyone to lose their collective shit

Thursday afternoon saw a widespread hush descend across Israel for several hours, the cause of which was blamed on faulty cellular towers. A beefed up police presence and a rising sense of panic and uncertainty led to some comparisons with a standard terrorist attack with numerous people admitted to hospital rooms out of shock and a sudden mass onset of tinnitus. One Israeli phone user, staring madly into the middle distance, repeating, ‘Why? Why?’ in a deranged whisper.  A bystander told The...

Iron Dome to sell naming rights to make up monetary losses from last war

Iron Dome to sell naming rights to make up monetary losses from last war

Israel’s Head of Military Operations, Tomer Shalom, admitted today that the Iron Dome, Israel’s air defense system, has officially run out of funding and is now selling its naming rights to make up for the seriously-fucking-insane monetary losses suffered during the recent war. It is understood that the two strongest contenders are currently WAZE and Electra, both of which promise to improve the nation’s Iron Dome experience in the next war. “We want to make the Iron Dome a more social...

Yet Another Israeli Startup Is Bought

Yet Another Israeli Startup Is Bought

In completely unsurprising and boring news, another Silicon Valley tech firm has bought yet another Israeli startup. CompletelyOverValued.com, an online retailer that focuses on selling random useless shit at a substantial markup and inconveniently delivering it in a weekly box to consumers’ doors, is buying Israeli startup Vinechat for the tune of $2 billion. Vinechat has a monopoly on the coveted college student vintner market, enabling budding winemakers to share detailed 6-second long instructional videos before they are erased from...

Hamas unveils anti-UAV laser

Hamas unveils anti-UAV laser

Hamas has developed a remarkable new weapon system that could be used to shoot down unmanned drones. The humanitarian group received a $20 million grant from the Islamic State (IS) Office of Blasphemy Research to build a vehicle-mounted laser to shoot down the hated “flying tools of the Great Satan.” The Ground Laser Air Defense (GLAD) system uses a pickup-mounted platform that leverages “green” technology to power the 25kW laser. “Apparently the laser is powered by the tears of Palestinian...

Hamas gives Ultimatum on Airport via Instagram

Hamas gives Ultimatum on Airport via Instagram

Day 44 Since the collapse of the peace talks in Cairo, Hamas made an announcement via Instagram video of their latest request, followed by a threat. In poor Hebrew and using the 1977 filter, Hamas operatives stated “If we don’t get the 100 million NIS airport with a complete water park, KFC, and the nice security line that doesn’t make you take your shoes off, we will target Ben Gurion Aiport”. The caption was “We won’t stop until we get...