Politics

Returning American Tourist Readies For Daring Operation To Smuggle Israeli Orange Past Airport Customs

Returning American Tourist Readies For Daring Operation To Smuggle Israeli Orange Past Airport Customs

Reports have been received by The Mideast Beast that an American tourist returning from Israel was preparing to carry out a covert operation to sneak an orange he purchased in a Jerusalem outdoor market past JFK International customs. Bringing in foreign produce is strictly illegal, and based on the scouring faces of homeland security agents, assumed to be punishable by death. RELATED: The Mideast Beast’s Guide to Buying and Cleaning Shuk-Bought Veggies Jason Goldberg, 25 year old New York native and international...

Israel Found Guilty

Israel Found Guilty

The international community issued firm condemnation of Israel’s recent actions earlier today. An emergency meeting of the United Nation Security Council was convened in order to issue a number of resolutions against the Jewish State. Member states accused Israel of being “inhumane,” and acting with “utter disregard for human life and wellbeing.” Israel has responded to these claims by saying that it retains the right to protect its citizens and ensure its survival. “We will not stand idly by while...

North Korean Dictator Praises Former Egyptian President’s Death Sentence

North Korean Dictator Praises Former Egyptian President’s Death Sentence

Noting that there’s “no better way to unite a country than executing its only democratically-elected president,” North Korean leader Kim Jong-un came out in support of former Egyptian President Mohamed Morsi’s death sentence, issued this week by an Egyptian court. “There’s only one way to bring prosperity, growth and a shared vision to a country, and that’s by executing everyone who disagrees with you,” explained the pudgy dictator. “I’ve executed my aunt, uncle, and the army chief of staff just...

DC Bars and Strip Clubs Hit Hard by Saudi King’s Trip Cancellation

DC Bars and Strip Clubs Hit Hard by Saudi King’s Trip Cancellation

Following Saudi King Salman’s last-minute cancellation of his trip to meet with President Obama, several of DC’s upscale bars, strip clubs, and luxury retail outlets say they may be forced to declare bankruptcy. “I’ve been counting on this visit all year. Hell, half my inventory was ordered with the Saudi royal family in mind,” said one DC jeweler. “It’s like if Christmas were cancelled.” Other industries were hit even harder by the cancellation, according to one DC madam who spoke on...

ISIS Sends Congratulatory Note to Turkish Leader on Anniversary of Armenian Genocide

ISIS Sends Congratulatory Note to Turkish Leader on Anniversary of Armenian Genocide

The President of Turkey, Recep Tayyip Erdogan, received an unexpected show of support from the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria on the centennial of the massacres that killed an estimated 1.5 million Armenians. “Your modesty about Turkey’s involvement is endearing. Your people have showed generations of young, insecure Jihadists everywhere that, with just a bit of stick-to-itiveness, it is in fact possible to obliterate crusader armies. The devil worshippers have been looking over their shoulders ever since the Ottoman...

Iraqi Conflict Nears Resolution Following Starbucks’ Successful Campaign Against Sectarianism

Iraqi Conflict Nears Resolution Following Starbucks’ Successful Campaign Against Sectarianism

Decades of sectarian strife in Iraq appear to be coming to an end, with most analysts attributing the conflict’s resolution to Starbuck’s “#ShiiteTogether” campaign aimed at exploring religious divisions between Sunnis and Shiites in the country by writing words on cups. “I had gone into a Starbucks in a Shiite area of Baghdad wearing a suicide vest and had planned on detonating myself after the first sip of my soy mocha latte. But then I saw the barista had written...

Some Fear That Small Minority Not Loyal to State Might Sway Elections

Some Fear That Small Minority Not Loyal to State Might Sway Elections

Recently, average citizens have been becoming increasingly uncomfortable at the thought of a small group of voters, who could be described as a ‘demographic threat’, affecting the outcome of the next election. The fear is that this small band of people will vote, not for the good of the State at large, but for their own selfish self-interests. And while it is true that these people are citizens, and therefore have the right to vote in elections, it has been...

The Bi-Nationals Are Trying to Recruit Your Kids!

The Bi-Nationals Are Trying to Recruit Your Kids!

Bi-nationality is a little understood phenomenon that many people are uncomfortable discussing. The condition, considered by many to be unnatural, manifests itself in a growing number of people who are citizens of two countries. Israeli-Americans are one of the most prevalent types, with more appearing every year. But the question of how this happens remains. Because bi-nationals can’t biologically reproduce other bi-nationals, many maintain that outside recruitment is the main driver of their increasing numbers. RELATED: Israel Found Guilty of Treating...

Steroid Controversy Rocks Saudi Arabia Following Execution of 80th Prisoner

Steroid Controversy Rocks Saudi Arabia Following Execution of 80th Prisoner

As Saudi Arabia carried out its 80th beheading, edging closer to the much-anticipated 87 killings in a single year record, a scandal involving the use of performance-enhancing drugs is threatening to tarnish the most revered record in capital punishment. Saudi Arabia’s Interior Ministry said yesterday “Since 2008, several of the kingdom’s most prolific swords men have come to rely on a wide variety of performance-enhancing substances. The use of steroids damages the integrity of the kingdom’s liberal death penalty policy and...

After Being Stood up by Saudi King, Obama Goes on Epic Drinking Binge

After Being Stood up by Saudi King, Obama Goes on Epic Drinking Binge

Stunned by the news that Saudi King Salman had refused his invitation to attend a landmark summit, President Barack Obama reportedly spent Saturday night bar hopping across Washington, D.C. “It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to!” Obama shrieked before chugging down a beer at the ‘Board Room’ sports bar. “They’re all gonna laugh at me,” Obama was overheard mumbling repeatedly while munching on waffle fries, sipping whiskey-scotch and slamming back some funky looking shots at ‘Bourbon,’ the well-known...

Kerry Blames Ebola Outbreak on Lack of Israeli-Palestinian Peace Talks

Kerry Blames Ebola Outbreak on Lack of Israeli-Palestinian Peace Talks

Addressing the Ebola outbreak that began in 2014, Secretary of State John Kerry blamed the spread of the disease on a lack of progress in the Israeli-Palestinian peace process. “Talks were going fine, the disease was under control, then Israel announced that they were building these new settlements in East Jerusalem and Netanyahu announced “no Palestinian State under my watch”, and ‘poof,’ people are showing up in Dallas emergency rooms with Ebola-like symptoms. Do I really need to draw everyone a...

Iranians Busy Thinking Up New Concessions to Demand From Obama and Kerry

Iranians Busy Thinking Up New Concessions to Demand From Obama and Kerry

Iran appears to hold the weaker hand in negotiations, the Iranian economy shrinking and currency depreciating, yet sources tell The Israeli Daily that Ayatollah Khamenei and his advisors are trying to identify new concessions to extract from President Obama and Secretary Kerry. A source close to Khamenei described the situation; “We’re as surprised as anybody. We knew our demands were excessive: an immediate end to all sanctions, the release of over $100 billion frozen in foreign banks, keeping thousands of spinning...

Radical Offshoot of Human Rights Watch Sends Strike Team to Nepal to Assassinate Victims Saved by Israel

Radical Offshoot of Human Rights Watch Sends Strike Team to Nepal to Assassinate Victims Saved by Israel

After Human Rights Watch’s head Kenneth Roth tweeted condemnation of Israel for constructing a 60 bed field hospital in Nepal, sources tell The Israeli Daily (TID) that a radical offshoot of the organization called ‘No Jewish Human Rights Watch’ has dispatched a strike team to hunt down those Nepalese who accepted Israel’s offer of life saving assistance. “Defending human rights requires shedding blood,” wrote NJHRC’s leader, Sub Commander Fred. “Usually that’s Jewish blood, so nobody really cares, but this situation...

President of Iran Condemns New Stars Wars Movie as Anti-Iranian

President of Iran Condemns New Stars Wars Movie as Anti-Iranian

Iranian President Hassan Rouhani denounced the soon-to-be released Star Wars: Episode VII, in a speech carried live on state-run television. “I’ve seen the trailers. This American propaganda piece warps strong, charismatic, security-minded leaders and turns them into monsters. Emperor Palpatine loves democracy and the Republic, as do I. Only Western nations hell-bent on destabilizing our region would support a movie that portrays a well-intentioned public servant as a tyrant,” Iran’s President said. While Rouhani’s address to the Iranian people was...

Iran Agrees to Full and Open Inspections Everywhere, Except Places They Might Keep a Nuclear Bomb

Iran Agrees to Full and Open Inspections Everywhere, Except Places They Might Keep a Nuclear Bomb

A White House spokesman has rejected claims by opponents of a framework agreement that the Iranian defense Minister’s had stated that all military facilities would be closed to international inspection. Iranian Defense Minister, Brigadier General Hossein Dehgan was reported as saying that “…visiting military centers are among the red lines and no visit to these centers will be allowed.” White House spokesman Mr. Robert Onuttin explained that the President considered that statement “unfortunate,” because “honestly, we don’t need this shit...

Christian, Jewish Terrorist Groups Announce they too Planned to Attack Charlie Hebdo

Christian, Jewish Terrorist Groups Announce they too Planned to Attack Charlie Hebdo

Both Christian and Jewish terrorist groups today released statements that they too had long been planning attacks against Charlie Hebdo. “For too long, these godless communists had poked fun at our Lord Christ,” began the release from Perpetually Righteous Irate Christian Kooks, leader D. Amst Upid. “P.R.I.C.K. planned to stage our action the Tuesday before the action by the Satan worshippers at ISIS. However, we were delayed. “The Last Temptation of Christ” was playing on the big screen. The Director’s...

Palestine Soccer Team to Play Israel…For a State

Palestine Soccer Team to Play Israel…For a State

Israel has confirmed Palestine can have its own country if it beats the Jewish State at a game of soccer. In an interview with The Mideast Beast, an Israeli spokesman said they were confident in the challenge as “apparently we shoot all the good Palestinian footballers anyway.” BDS activists said that they would boycott the event if Israel were to use human walls to protect its goal should Palestine receive any direct free kicks. RELATED: Israeli Leaders Debate Pettiest Way to Respond to Palestinian Hague Bid...

Chickens Blast Obama Administration for Netanyahu Comparison

Chickens Blast Obama Administration for Netanyahu Comparison

Last October, after a senior Obama official referred to Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu as “chickenshit,” the remarks drew a quick and harsh rebuke from chickens worldwide. “Not only is the term used offensively, but on behalf of all chickens I emphatically reject the comparison to Prime Minister Netanyahu,” said Clucker, a 3-year-old Leghorn Chicken living in Montana. “For the Obama administration to compare us to a guy who spends $2,000 on ice cream and then can’t afford to attend...

New Israeli Immigrants Realize They’ve Made a Huge Mistake

New Israeli Immigrants Realize They’ve Made a Huge Mistake

As Israel has embraced new waves of immigrants entering the country, those immigrants are slowly starting to realize that the ‘land of milk and honey’ isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. “Land of milk and honey, my ass! I’ve made a huge mistake,” said David Greenberg while holding a surfboard on his way to the beach. “I left a six figure salary in New York and came to Tel Aviv where the only apartment I can afford is a...