History. Religion. Who makes better hummus. These are just a few of the points disagreed upon by Israelis and Palestinians. Like a Jaden Smith tweet that makes any sense, one could spend years combing through layers of nonsense for things Israelis and Palestinians agree on. But, it seems that the world has just become aware of another one of these...
After finally declaring that ISIS’s murder of thousands of Christians, Yazidis, and Shia Muslims constitutes genocide, the Obama administration is reportedly seriously considering officially recognizing that the Pope is Catholic. “The genocide recognition wasn’t an easy decision to make. It took more than two years for us to conclusively determine whether ISIS’s killing of tens of thousands of these minorities...
President Obama has claimed victory over Russia in their recent “Hands on Syria” contest during his weekly Presidential address, “My fellow Americans, I’m pleased to confirm that all those years of training at NASCAR races in competitions to win a Ford F-150 have at last paid off. Those weak willed Russians just didn’t have what it takes to keep awake...
Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump’s upcoming speech to AIPAC, the influential pro-Israel lobby, has presented a unique predicament for social justice warriors across the United States, as the leftists have not been able to decide which side to protest. “We were going to post a bunch of comments on Trump’s Facebook page telling him, ‘Don’t speak to those apartheid-supporting Jews,...
BOCA RATON – After his resounding victory in Florida’s GOP presidential primary, elderly Jewish Floridians who voted for Donald Trump have admitted that they don’t get what all the fuss is about. Sitting in the dining room of Beth Tzion, Palm Beach County’s Jewish old age home, 82-year-old resident Hymie Rosenberg praised the controversial GOP frontrunner for his “strength, wisdom...
Showing how seriously she regrets her vote in favor of the Iraq War, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton today announced her intention, if elected, to restore Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein to power. Fox News mocked the plan – after a quick Wikipedia check – pointing out that Hussein was executed back in 2006. Sources tell The Mideast Beast, however,...
At a stump speech in Iowa yesterday, the robot known as Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz reportedly got its wires crossed when it proclaimed to an audience that it “is not afraid to say ‘merry Christmas’ to Islamic Terror.” Cruz’s owners, Republican super-donors Charles and David Koch, told reporters that the machine must have mixed up its pre-set recordings. “It...
Looking to mitigate Israeli concerns over the recently-completed Iranian nuclear deal, which Israelis fear will allow Iran to build a nuclear weapon, President Obama announced plans to send hundreds of “Duck and Cover” videos to Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. “While the Israelis have claimed allowing Iran to build a nuclear bomb would leave them vulnerable and defenseless, these videos...
The Iranian nuclear deal is once again at the forefront of the news after the Iranian Fars News Agency reported that the Revolutionary Guard carried out testing of long-range ballistic missiles. Israeli officials are up in arms claiming there is no doubt of the intended use of the weapons, especially considering the phrase “Israel must be wiped out” was emblazoned...
Climate change activist and former U.S. Vice President Al Gore has suggested that ISIS and other terrorist organizations would have been far more environmentally friendly had he been elected president. In a wide-ranging interview with The Mideast Beast, Gore argued that the territories currently ruled by ISIS would be running on a “combination of chinchilla faeces and banana skins” had...
Mossad Operatives are the kind of spooks that are often spoken of only in hushed whispers, feared by those hunted by them. But as it turns out, not all Mossad agents are sweaty, Middle Eastern James Bondses (Bondsi? We’ll get back to you on that.). Like all workplaces, it seems like Mossad employs a few guys that, well, kind of...
Following the announcement that Israel is planning to annex a large swath of the Jordan Valley, the International Criminal Court (ICC) has offered to take a look at the new bulge sticking out of Israel’s Eastern border. The international community noticed the lump this past week, and like any good friend that continually accuses you of war crimes, grew concerned...
Leaders across the Middle East are calling for the spread of dictatorship to the United States, as the ongoing presidential election campaign has shined a light on the dangers of democratic governance. “While Egypt’s citizens are protected from whack jobs who try to win over voters by bragging about the size of their peckers, in America an orange steak salesman/reality...
Amid rising tensions over lone-wolf stabbings, lack of progress in peace talks and increasing frustration over Israel’s blockade of Gaza, and with the region looking well on its way to renewing its 68th annual “Palestinians and Israelis Fucking Can’t Stand One Another” popular concert series, the UN and Hamas have teamed up to equip Gaza with a dual purpose elementary...
In a development likely to shock no one, a number of bored young Palestinian men from Gaza have grown tired of Hamas. They’re looking for a new, exciting type of adventure and the ‘Islamic State’ provides it. Apparently, life under Hamas in Gaza has grown dull, say some Palestinians. “Sure, we still get to fire the occasional rocket, execute a...
With prominent anti-Semites including former KKK Grand Wizard David Duke and Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan endorsing Republican billionaire Donald Trump in his run for President, other noted anti-Semites including Richard Falk and the leaders of ISIS and al Qaeda are facing increasing pressure to get on board the Trump bandwagon. “On the one hand, the infidel Trump represents...
JERUSALEM – After decades of intractable conflict along social, religious and political lines, the State of Israel is finally to be partitioned into two countries: one ultra-nationalist, and the other hyper-progressive. Meeting in Jerusalem, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and newly elected gay Tel Aviv Mayor Tamir Tikkunolami announced the start of a two-year process that will culminate in a...
Today, Secretary of State John Kerry announced that the United States would be extending ‘Most Favored Nation’ status to the Islamic State – aka ISIS, aka al-Sham, aka ISIL. “This decision offers us the best opportunity to lay the basis for productive relations with an emerging Muslim nation,” he said at a press conference announcing Obama’s decision. “We see this...
Two Islamic superpowers are officially catfighting on the global stage in the newest Cold War. Following the execution of a popular Shiite cleric in Saudi Arabia, Iran and the Saudi Kingdom have cut ties faster than a speeding bullet. The two nations represent the two largest sects (that’s “sects,” not “sex,” you bunch of perverts) of Islam, Sunni and Shia....
Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz has repeatedly promised that if elected president of the United States, he would “carpet bomb ISIS’s capital city of Raqqa in Syria ‘till we see if sand can glow.” Undeterred by the fact that Raqqa is a city of hundreds of thousands of civilians, Cruz assured that unlike with Barack Obama, civilian casualties do not weigh...
