The Mideast Beast’s Guide to Buying and Cleaning Shuk-Bought Veggies

Selecting and cleaning fruits and veggies from one of Israel’s many colorful Shuks (a Middle Eastern outdoor market) can be confusing and stressful. The Mideast Beast has compiled these steps to making sure you’re spending right and keeping your family healthy!

Step One:

When you first enter the Shuk, be sure to scout out all the stalls before choosing which to approach. In particular, look for stalls where the merchant is blowing cigarette smoke all over the produce, as this should signal to you that he will be in a relaxed mood, and have a friendlier disposition.

Step Two:

If a merchant yells at you about an available item, be sure to approach him with your wallet out, and some bills handy so he knows you’re not wasting his time. His deals will be the cheapest and can only be found there, so be sure to hurry

Step Three:

When selecting a piece of produce, make sure to look for the ones that have been out the longest. This will insure that a food health inspector has had time to check for unsafe handling practices.

Step Four:

Make sure to touch as many pieces of fruits or vegetables as you can before making your selection. This will signal to other shoppers that this produce is worth looking at, thereby currying the favor of the merchant, and hopefully, lead to a discount!

Step Five:

Pay the merchant, and acknowledge that fruits and vegetables are the only cheap items available in Israel.

Step six:

After returning home, rinse those vegetables thoroughly. If you need, use a little dish detergent. It will not harm the vegetables.

Step seven:

Realize that it is impossible to wash off all the dirt, pesticides, smoke, and filth of 100,000 human hands

Step eight:

Burn Produce.

Step Nine:

Become frustrated with the quality of life in Israel, and internalize the malaise and hopelessness of living in a hectic Middle Eastern country.

Step Ten:

Move to Berlin or return to New York.

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