Journalism has been in Roger Pumper’s blood since he began his first paper route in Kabul, Afghanistan, at the age of seven. After graduating from Cairo’s Al-Azhar University with a Doctorate in Animal Husbandry, Pumper worked as a fact-checker for Brian Williams and Bill O’Reilly. Pumper was awarded a Pulitzer Prize in 2002 for his investigative reporting on Iraq’s WMD program, though the award was later revoked. Pumper currently resides on a goat farm outside Kirachi, Pakistan.
In the latest setback for Donald Trump’s business empire, and no we’re not talking about Trump taking it in the pooper by Jon Stewart, the Islamic State has announced it will cut ties with the billionaire real estate mogul following his controversial remarks about Mexican immigrants. ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi announced the terrorist group will destroy all Trump hotels in their territory....
Turkish F-16s shot down Santa’s sleigh over international waters late Thursday night, as the Turkish president claimed Saint Nicholas had violated the country’s airspace. While the fate of Father Christmas remains unclear, several reindeer have been confirmed dead in an incident certain to further damage the already strained relationship between Ankara and the North Pole. The incident occurred as Santa...
Israeli and Palestinian negotiators have reached a final-status agreement, with both sides making significant concessions that will bring the century-long conflict to an amicable end, television host and State Department spokesman Steve Harvey announced Wednesday in a press conference. “The Palestinians were completely reasonable in giving up the right of return of their refugees, while the Israelis had no problem...
Calling the vilified financial executive a valiant warrior in the fight against American citizens, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi demanded the U.S. government immediately release “Pharma Bro” Martin Shkreli. “By raising the price of life-saving pharmaceutical drugs 50-fold, Sheikh Shkreli has shown an unparalleled commitment to jihad against the American infidels,” al-Baghdadi said in a video released online by the...
After Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson’s bold declaration that he would have attacked the gunman in the Oregon school shooting, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu announced Carson has been brought to Jerusalem and tasked with protecting the city in the wake of a series of terror attacks. “It takes great courage to speak about acting heroically in the face of danger,”...
Following the fatal shooting of 14 co-workers by a couple that just happened to be affiliated with the terrorist group ISIS, President Barack Obama has declared a “war on workplace violence.” “As the events in San Bernardino, and the Fort Hood shootings before, have shown, the perpetrators of workplace violence represent a threat to Americans and to all of humanity,”...
After refusing to answer questions from a 13-year-old Israeli student “until there is justice for Palestinians,” British horse expert Marsha Levine told an eight-year-old American boy she would not respond to him “until there’s justice for Leo [DiCaprio].” “You might be a child, but if you’re old enough to write to me then you should stop worrying about fucking horses...
In a chilling video released this week, al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri promised a new wave of terror in which al Qaeda agents would fly on commercial airlines without setting their cell phones to “Airplane Mode.” “Until our demands are met, planes will soon rain from the skies, as the martyrs of Islam will ignore the captain’s explicit instructions and...
Following Turkey’s downing of a Russian fighter jet near the Turkish-Syrian border, the United States and Turkey are reportedly on the verge of a deal that would send Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan to America in exchange for his American counterpart, Barack Obama. “We’ve been looking for someone who could stand up to [Russian President Vladimir] Putin, so the chance...
Days after coordinated attacks in Paris killed 129 people, Islamist groups Hamas and Hezbollah condemned the attacks, blasting the attackers for not going after “Jewey enough” targets. “We strongly denounced the attacks in Paris and see these attacks as immoral and unproductive,” the leaders of the two Islamist militant groups said in a joint statement. “I mean, targeting a death...
Validating Ultra-Right Wing Minister of Parliament Naftali Bennett’s demand that the government respond to a recent wave of terror by building more settlements, a number of Palestinian terrorists have told The Mideast Beast that only a significant settlement expansion would cause them to reconsider stabbing Jews on the street. “If the Israeli government were to respond to me stabbing someone...
Calling the Seattle-based coffee chain “a true ally in the global war against Christians,” the terrorist group ISIS praised Starbucks for abandoning its Christmas-themed cups in favor of a more neutral holiday cup. “While we have been doing our part by beheading thousands of Christians and forcing thousands more to convert to Islam, we have learned that our allies in...
After leaving al Qaeda and pledging allegiance to ISIS, Boko Haram leaders have openly admitted they were not looking forward to picking up their personal belongings from al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri’s apartment. “It’s going to be super awkward, since Zawahiri is definitely going to start crying and begging us to come back,” admitted Boko Haram leader Abubakar Shekau. “I’d...
ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi is desperately trying to return his newly-purchased Caitlin Jenner Halloween costume after a series of internet comments have claimed the costume is insensitive and promotes transphobia. “When I purchased the costume online, as a gesture to honor Ms. Jenner’s courage, I had no idea I was mocking the transgender community and reducing its members to...
Looking to drag on futile peace talks with Kurdish separatists without making anything that could be considered a concession, Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan has sought advice from his longtime nemesis and Israeli counterpart, Benjamin Netanyahu. Erdogan, who began peace talks with the Kurdish Workers’ Party in 2013, said he had nearly given up on the talks, believing there was...
Saying they had no idea that Israelis and Palestinians were such passionate fans, members of British rock band ‘Status Quo’ said they were honored and excited by the wave of demand for them to play on the Temple Mount, one of the holiest sites in Judaism and Islam. “We had no idea we had such a following in the Middle East...
Calling it an understandable error made in the fog of war, the Israel Defense Force (IDF) apologized Monday for accidentally striking targets in the East African country of Eritrea in response to a wave of Palestinian attacks. “The pilots were flying really high and weren’t sure exactly where they were geographically, but when they saw a group of dark-skinned men they assumed...
Syrian President Bashar al-Assad announced that he will resign from his position after it was discovered that he had been using a private e-mail account to conduct government business, leading opponents and supporters alike to question whether Assad is trustworthy. As of recent, he is the second high-profile individual to face this accusation. “While I was bothered by Mr. Assad’s...
Syrian President Bashar al-Assad lashed out at the Nobel Committee, soon after the group once again failed to award the strongman its coveted Peace Prize. “When they overlooked me last year, after I gave up my sweet-ass chemical weapons – well, most of them – I was a little stunned,” Assad told The Mideast Beast. “But three years in a row? Its...
Calling the committee “a bunch of stupid jerks” and saying he “never wanted their dumb award anyway,” an inconsolable U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry demanded that President Obama take military action against the Nobel Committee, as well as the group chosen for the 2015 Peace Prize, the Tunisian National Dialogue Quartet. Kerry had expected to win the prize for...
