Roger Pumper

Journalism has been in Roger Pumper’s blood since he began his first paper route in Kabul, Afghanistan, at the age of seven. After graduating from Cairo’s Al-Azhar University with a Doctorate in Animal Husbandry, Pumper worked as a fact-checker for Brian Williams and Bill O’Reilly. Pumper was awarded a Pulitzer Prize in 2002 for his investigative reporting on Iraq’s WMD program, though the award was later revoked. Pumper currently resides on a goat farm outside Kirachi, Pakistan.

 

Republicans to Give AOC Three-Hour Convention Slot
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Republicans to Give AOC Three-Hour Convention Slot

Calling it a travesty that the 30-year-old Congresswoman was given just one minute to speak at the Democratic convention, Republican National Committee Chair Ronna McDaniel has offered Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez a three-hour slot at the upcoming GOP convention. McDaniel said that it is “crucially important” for voters to hear Ocasio-Cortez’s political positions and worldview given AOC’s role in shaping the...

Ilhan Omar Relieved to Learn that Jews Only Control 40% of Minds
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Ilhan Omar Relieved to Learn that Jews Only Control 40% of Minds

After claiming victory in a competitive primary with 57% of the vote, Minnesota Rep. Ilhan Omar said she is happy to learn that Jews’ mind control is only effective on roughly 40% of voters. “I knew that everyone in my district loves me and wanted to vote for me, but I was really worried that the Jews – I mean,...

Americans Jealous of Lebanon After Entire Government Resigns

Americans Jealous of Lebanon After Entire Government Resigns

For the first time since the fall of the Ottoman Empire, a majority of Americans now say that they are jealous of Lebanon’s citizens after the country’s government resigned this week. Those interviewed told pollsters they did not even know that getting rid of one’s entire government was an option, and that they now spend an average of six hours...

Trump Promises Palestinians a State if they Attend his Inauguration

Trump Promises Palestinians a State if they Attend his Inauguration

Criticizing the Palestinian people for their failure to attend his first swearing in, US President Donald Trump promised to create a Palestinian state during his second term if they attend his next inauguration. His statement came during an interview with Jonathan Swan, a reporter for Axios, following a question on his approach to negotiating peace between Israel and the Palestinians....

Hezbollah Mourns Tragic Loss of Explosive Material
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Hezbollah Mourns Tragic Loss of Explosive Material

Vowing to rebuild what the country had lost, Hezbollah Secretary General Hassan Nasrallah delivered a heartfelt speech Thursday marking the tragic loss of thousands of tons of explosive material during the August 4 explosion at the Port of Beirut. “Believe me when I say that nobody feels this tragedy more than me and my fellow Hezbollah members,” Nasrallah said in...

Assad Names Ellen DeGeneres Interior Minister
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Assad Names Ellen DeGeneres Interior Minister

Looking to crush the last bit of resistance to his continued rule, Syrian strongman Bashar al-Assad has brought on talk show host Ellen DeGeneres as interior minister to keep the country’s Sunni majority in line. Assad made the appointment after reading about the strong hand DeGeneres took towards staff on her TV show. “I need someone who will rule with...

Seth Rogen, Ahmadinejad to Costar in Stoner Terrorist Comedy
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Seth Rogen, Ahmadinejad to Costar in Stoner Terrorist Comedy

Actor and comedian Seth Rogen will team up with former Iranian President and die-hard Tupac fan Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in a comedy about the duo’s marijuana-filled attempt to launch a terrorist attack on Israel, Point Grey Pictures announced. Ahmadinejad will play himself in the film, as he looks to cap off his career of public service with a devastating suicide bombing...

Inspired by MLB, ISIS Launches Attacks on Cardboard Cutouts
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Inspired by MLB, ISIS Launches Attacks on Cardboard Cutouts

Looking to keep spirits high despite its diminished territory and negligent offensive capabilities, the Islamic State has begun carrying out suicide attacks against cardboard cutouts of infidels. ISIS leader Amir Muhammad al-Mawla got the idea after watching a Major League Baseball (MLB) game in which the stands were filled with cardboard fans, as in-person attendance is banned because of COVID-19....

Kanye Named Shas Leader After $1 Million Per Child Proposal

Kanye Named Shas Leader After $1 Million Per Child Proposal

In a shocking move, the Israeli political-religious party Shas has chosen rapper Kanye West as its candidate for prime minister after the celebrity proposed giving $1 million per child to new mothers. The plan, announced Sunday, has led West’s popularity to skyrocket in Israel’s Haredi, or ultra-orthodox, communities, where the average birth rate is nearly seven children per Haredi woman....

Progressives Demand China Paint ‘Uyghur Lives Matter’ on Street
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Progressives Demand China Paint ‘Uyghur Lives Matter’ on Street

With images emerging of Uyghurs being forced into train cars and legal experts now calling China’s treatment of the ethnic minority a genocide, US progressive leaders have demanded Chinese President Chinese President Xi Jinping paint ‘Uyghur Lives Matter’ on a prominent roadway. “The forced sterilization and re-education of the Uyghur is a crime against humanity, and it must be met...

Report: Al Qaeda No Longer Hates America for its Freedom

Report: Al Qaeda No Longer Hates America for its Freedom

President Donald J. Trump has won the War on Terror, as al Qaeda announced late Friday that it no longer hates Americans for their freedoms. “When we attacked you on September 11, we did so because we resented your strong democracy, your freedom of speech and freedom of press, and your freedom to disagree with each other in a civilized...

Hundreds of Saudi Writers Sign Letter Decrying ‘Behead Culture’
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Hundreds of Saudi Writers Sign Letter Decrying ‘Behead Culture’

In an effort to push back against an increasing intolerance towards political dissent in their country, more than 150 Saudi writers and intellectuals have signed an open letter denouncing “behead culture.” The letter comes amidst a growing number of cases in which Saudis were beheaded for seemingly mundane offenses, such as mildly criticizing Sharia Law or citing evidence that mass...

Erdogan to Turn Istanbul Airport into a Mosque
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Erdogan to Turn Istanbul Airport into a Mosque

After successfully turning Hagia Sophia into a mosque, Turkish President and Middle Eastern Gollum look-alike, Recep Tayyip Erdogan, announced he now plans to convert the recently opened Istanbul Airport into a Muslim house of worship. Erdogan proposed handing the airport over to the Religious Affairs Directorate, which would close the $12 billion hub to air traffic and instead create a...

Saudi Arabia Celebrates Pride Month by Hanging Gays with Rainbow Noose
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Saudi Arabia Celebrates Pride Month by Hanging Gays with Rainbow Noose

Calling it a momentous step towards recognition of the LGBTQ+ community, Saudi Arabia announced that all homosexuals executed during pride month would be hung from a rainbow noose or beheaded with a rainbow-colored ax. Though human rights activists said much further process remains necessary, the announcement marks a major step forward for gay equality in the kingdom. “We have a...

Redskins to Change Name to ‘Washington Towelheads’
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Redskins to Change Name to ‘Washington Towelheads’

After years of protest from white people offended by the name “Redskins,” the Washington D.C. football franchise announced that it will change its name and begin the 2020 season as the “Washington Towelheads.” “Given the D.C. Metro area’s growing Arab population, we wanted to honor this new potential fanbase,” team owner Daniel Snyder said. “I Googled ‘nicknames for Arabs,’ and...

Assad Ends Attacks on Sunnis After Reading ‘Alawite Fragility’
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Assad Ends Attacks on Sunnis After Reading ‘Alawite Fragility’

Syrian leader Bashar al-Assad has called off his attacks on the country’s Sunni population after reading Angela de Robin’s bestseller Alawite Fragility: Why It’s So Hard for Alawite Dictators to Talk About Sectarianism. Assad, who had waged a nearly decade-long war on his country’s Sunnis and Kurds, said the book opened his eyes to his own subconscious bias against Muslims...

ISIS, White Supremacists Announce Merger to Form Mega-Terror Group
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ISIS, White Supremacists Announce Merger to Form Mega-Terror Group

In a move that will create a virtual monopoly on the terror industry, what remains of the radical Islamist group ISIS has agreed to merge with the worldwide white supremacist movement. The merger was announced in a joint press conference between ISIS leader Abu Ibrahim al-Qurashi and Richard Spencer, the president of the National Policy Institute. “Frankly, there were a...

UNRWA II Established for CHAZ Refugees

UNRWA II Established for CHAZ Refugees

The United Nations has launched a second UN Relief and Works Agency to support refugees from the now-defunct nation of CHAZ. The agency, which will be called UNRWA II, will provide services for the dozens of refugees evicted from their country when the regime of Seattle Mayor Jenny Durkan invaded and ethnically cleansed the enclave. “Many of those forced to...

Trump Proposes Turning Hagia Sophia into Casino

Trump Proposes Turning Hagia Sophia into Casino

Looking to find a compromise between proponents of keeping the site as a museum and those looking to turn it into a mosque, President Donald Trump has released a plan to turn the famed Hagia Sophia in Istanbul into a state-of-the-art casino. Trump’s proposal comes as a Turkish court considers a plan to turn the UNESCO World Heritage Site, which...

British Protests, Violence Mark 244 Years Since Expulsion from American Colonies
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British Protests, Violence Mark 244 Years Since Expulsion from American Colonies

As Americans put social distancing on hold to celebrate the 244th anniversary of its independence with illegal barbeques at forbidden gatherings due to the novel coronavirus, rage in the United Kingdom set in as the British mark what they called the “Proper Mess,” British for ‘catastrophe‘. Peaceful protests against the United States’ independence turned violent, as clashes broke out between NATO...