Roger Pumper

Journalism has been in Roger Pumper’s blood since he began his first paper route in Kabul, Afghanistan, at the age of seven. After graduating from Cairo’s Al-Azhar University with a Doctorate in Animal Husbandry, Pumper worked as a fact-checker for Brian Williams and Bill O’Reilly. Pumper was awarded a Pulitzer Prize in 2002 for his investigative reporting on Iraq’s WMD program, though the award was later revoked. Pumper currently resides on a goat farm outside Kirachi, Pakistan.

 

Palestinian Refugee Problem Solved, As Turkey’s President Builds $615 Million Housing Project in Ankara
Politics

Palestinian Refugee Problem Solved, As Turkey’s President Builds $615 Million Housing Project in Ankara

Single-handedly ending 67 years of statelessness for millions of Palestinians, Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan announced Monday that a $615 million palace in Ankara will be devoted exclusively to housing Palestinian refugees. Erdogan’s announcement debunked months of news reports claiming that the building, 30 times the size of the White House, would instead be a lavish Presidential Palace with more...

Turkish Election Reminds Middle Eastern Leaders Why They Hate Democracy
Politics

Turkish Election Reminds Middle Eastern Leaders Why They Hate Democracy

Leaders from throughout the Arab world and Middle East were reminded again this week why it’s a bad idea to let people vote, as Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan’s AKP party failed to win a majority, much less cross the 99-percent threshold standard in the region, in Sunday’s parliamentary elections. “I’m so glad I’ll never have to deal with this...

‘Draw Muhammad’ Rally Leads to Tension Between D-Bags and Idiots
Politics

‘Draw Muhammad’ Rally Leads to Tension Between D-Bags and Idiots

A “Draw Muhammad” rally in Arizona has led to a clash between nitwits and sociopaths, as the conflicting values of freedom of expression and religious tolerance somehow did not come up in interviews with either hardline supporters or opponents of the rally. In Phoenix, Trey “Bubba” Jenkins noted that the Second (in his defense, he probably meant First) Amendment allowed...

Middle Eastern States Debate Whether to Intervene in Baltimore
Politics, War

Middle Eastern States Debate Whether to Intervene in Baltimore

As riots in Baltimore continue to spiral out of control, several Middle Eastern leaders have publicly considered sending forces to help maintain some sense of order and stop the chaos from spilling over into neighboring states. “We aren’t the world’s police, and we can’t be expected to intervene in such an unstable region every time the people rise up against...

North Korean Dictator Praises Former Egyptian President’s Death Sentence
Politics

North Korean Dictator Praises Former Egyptian President’s Death Sentence

Noting that there’s “no better way to unite a country than executing its only democratically-elected president,” North Korean leader Kim Jong-un came out in support of former Egyptian President Mohamed Morsi’s death sentence, issued this week by an Egyptian court. “There’s only one way to bring prosperity, growth and a shared vision to a country, and that’s by executing everyone...

DC Bars and Strip Clubs Hit Hard by Saudi King’s Trip Cancellation
Culture, Politics

DC Bars and Strip Clubs Hit Hard by Saudi King’s Trip Cancellation

Following Saudi King Salman’s last-minute cancellation of his trip to meet with President Obama, several of DC’s upscale bars, strip clubs, and luxury retail outlets say they may be forced to declare bankruptcy. “I’ve been counting on this visit all year. Hell, half my inventory was ordered with the Saudi royal family in mind,” said one DC jeweler. “It’s like if...

Chickens Blast Obama Administration for Netanyahu Comparison
Politics

Chickens Blast Obama Administration for Netanyahu Comparison

Last October, after a senior Obama official referred to Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu as “chickenshit,” the remarks drew a quick and harsh rebuke from chickens worldwide. “Not only is the term used offensively, but on behalf of all chickens I emphatically reject the comparison to Prime Minister Netanyahu,” said Clucker, a 3-year-old Leghorn Chicken living in Montana. “For the...

Responding to Iran Criticism, Obama Unleashes Assault on Netanyahu’s Comb-Over
Politics

Responding to Iran Criticism, Obama Unleashes Assault on Netanyahu’s Comb-Over

Following a litany of criticism over the proposed framework of an agreement on Iran’s nuclear program, President Obama came out with his strongest rhetoric to date in denunciation of Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, calling his hairstyle “an obvious comb-over unfitting of a world leader.” “Netanyahu is saying I shouldn’t trust the Ayatollahs, but I don’t see them spending 45...

ISIS Bars Jihadists from West Africa Amid Ebola Concerns
War

ISIS Bars Jihadists from West Africa Amid Ebola Concerns

The Islamic State in Iraq and Syria (ISIS) has issued a ban on jihadists traveling from West African countries, as an increasing number of fighters for the group have expressed concerns regarding the continuing Ebola threat. “Me and a fellow obsessive Koran reader were about to invade this Christian village outside Baghdad and slaughter everyone when the guy just starts coughing,”...

Israeli Government Joins BDS Movement for Kim and Kanye’s Visit
Culture, Politics

Israeli Government Joins BDS Movement for Kim and Kanye’s Visit

The BDS movement, which urges artists and consumers to boycott Israel and Israeli products, gained an unlikely supporter, as the Israeli government announced it would be urging rapper Kanye West and his wife, reality television star Kim West, to cancel their upcoming trip to the country in protest of its many human rights violations. “The only way to end the...

Exonerated NYPD Cop Hired by Iranian Security Forces
Politics, War

Exonerated NYPD Cop Hired by Iranian Security Forces

After learning he will not face criminal charges in the US, the NYPD officer captured on video applying a fatal chokehold to an unarmed man this past summer has been hired by the Iranian Revolutionary Guards, the elite military force tasked with maintaining order and protecting the regime domestically. “We were looking for new recruits who would use deadly force...

Elders of Zion Admit They’re Having Second Thoughts Over Allowing Obama’s Election
Politics

Elders of Zion Admit They’re Having Second Thoughts Over Allowing Obama’s Election

Following President Obama’s increasingly hostile rhetoric towards Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, several members of the Elders of Zion privately told The Israeli Daily that they were having second thoughts about their decision to allow him to be elected to the world’s most powerful office. “We were a little apprehensive about letting a guy with the middle name ‘Hussein’ run...

U.S to Move Embassy to Jerusalem; Cites Tel Aviv Rent Prices
Politics

U.S to Move Embassy to Jerusalem; Cites Tel Aviv Rent Prices

In a move long sought by Israeli officials, the U.S. will be moving its embassy to Jerusalem, granting the city de facto recognition as the capital of the Jewish state. The State Department insisted, however, that the decision was not due to a change in policy but simply because the American government could not afford the rent on its beachfront...