Journalism has been in Roger Pumper’s blood since he began his first paper route in Kabul, Afghanistan, at the age of seven. After graduating from Cairo’s Al-Azhar University with a Doctorate in Animal Husbandry, Pumper worked as a fact-checker for Brian Williams and Bill O’Reilly. Pumper was awarded a Pulitzer Prize in 2002 for his investigative reporting on Iraq’s WMD program, though the award was later revoked. Pumper currently resides on a goat farm outside Kirachi, Pakistan.
In one of the largest excommunications in the history of Christianity, Pope Francis has expelled the entire state of South Carolina from the Catholic Church following presidential candidate Donald Trump’s victory in the state’s Republican primary. The pope has also issued a fatwa condemning the billionaire businessman to death. “I tried warning those backwards inbred hicks that building walls is...
Refugees fleeing Syria’s four-year civil war declined a generous offer from the Qatari government, which promised them asylum and refugee status on the condition that they help the country build a soccer stadium for the 2022 FIFA World Cup. “After seeing the horrifying pictures from Turkey, our government has decided to absorb as many Syrian immigrants as wish to come...
Former Pink Floyd front man Roger Waters has announced that he will go on tour with rocker and gun fanatic Ted Nugent, with Waters saying that Nugent’s newfound anti-Semitism more than makes up for his lack of musical talent. Waters’ announcement comes two weeks after Nugent shared an anti-Semitic picture on Facebook, claiming Jews were responsible for gun control in...
Following Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump’s convincing win in the New Hampshire primary Tuesday night, senior ISIS officials were reported to be desperately looking for “bombable targets” in the small northeastern state. “We were so excited when we heard that this crusader madman had won New Hampshire,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi explained in an interview with The Mideast Beast....
President Barack Obama has been added to the federal Terrorist Watchlist after NSA surveillance discovered the president had not only attended but spoken at a mosque in Baltimore last week. “Mr. Obama was seen on February 3 entering the Islamic Society of Baltimore, where he stayed for approximately one hour,” one NSA official told The Mideast Beast on the condition...
RAMALLAH – Despite habitually threatening to resign, Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas – now in the eleventh year of a four-year term – announced earlier today at a press conference that he would seek re-election when his current term ends in infinity years. “The last 11 years have been a time of tremendous economic growth and prosperity for the Palestinian people…...
With British rapper-turned-ISIS-beheader Mohammed Emwazi, better known as ‘Jihadi John,’ killed in a US airstrike, experts are once again pointing to the danger of attempting a career as a hip-hop artist. “Jihadi John follows Tupac, Biggie, Run DMC, and many other rappers to see their promising careers cut short and their lives taken too soon,” one columnist wrote in The Source...
President Barack Obama announced that he will boycott the Syria peace talks in Geneva, citing a lack of black leaders represented at the UN-sponsored talks. Tweeting under the hashtag “#PeaceTalksSoArab,” Obama complained that no other black leaders were represented at the conference, which aims to open a dialogue between the opposing sides in Syria’s long-running civil war. “Out of all...
U.S. President Barack Obama announced Wednesday he is in the process of reevaluating his relationship with his wife, Michelle, after the First Lady made remarks which the president felt were “hurtful and counterproductive to a positive marital relationship.” The strife began late Monday night, after Michelle discovered that the President had left an open jar of Jiffy’s peanut butter on...
With supporters citing his strong opposition to the Iranian nuclear deal, his position as an outsider in the U.S. political system, and his unparalleled disdain for President Obama, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu surprised pollsters with a fourth-place finish in Monday’s Iowa Republican caucuses. Though he has not declared his candidacy and is not even an American citizen, Netanyahu received...
In a move critics have called a feckless cultural capitulation, French leaders banned the government’s team of strippers from attending a meeting with Iranian President Hassan Rouhani Thursday. The decision to remove the strippers was made in order to accommodate Iran’s conservative government, which strictly enforces modestly laws on women in its country. The controversy comes just days after the...
Following Republican presidential frontrunner Donald Trump’s decision to pull out of Thursday night’s debate rather than face Fox News moderator Megyn Kelly, the Islamic terrorist group ISIS has offered Ms. Kelly the position as Caliph, or leader, of its organization. “Thanks to Allah, we have finally found someone who makes even the strongest of the infidel leaders tremble in his...
In a development sure to enflame tensions between the U.S. and Iran and to embolden critics of the Obama administration, a video released on Iranian State TV Saturday showed 10 captured U.S. sailors forced by their captors to do the “Macarena” on camera. “The Iranians’ humiliating actions show just how much damage this administration has done to our nation’s pride,”...
After the latest string of executions of political opponents, Saudi officials are concerned that the population of executable Saudi citizens may be dropping to dangerous levels, putting future executions at risk. “Political dissidents, human rights activists, and minority leaders have been executed at unsustainable rates, putting these populations in serious jeopardy of extinction,” said one Saudi prince. “If we don’t...
Torn between focusing their efforts on overthrowing Shia President Bashar al-Assad and fighting the expansion of the Sunni terror group ISIS, U.S. military officials have announced the nation will flip a coin to decide which side it will back in the Syrian civil war. “We kept going back and forth between trying to overthrow Assad and then bombing ISIS, but...
After months of frequent stabbing attacks in Jerusalem and throughout Israel, former Buffalo Bills running back and current guest at the Lovelock Correctional Center, O.J. Simpson announced plans to move to the Jewish state after his prison sentence is up. “I really like how, after a stabbing, everyone just kind of moves on pretty quickly,” Simpson told The Mideast Beast. “They aren’t...
After controversially awarding its Best Comedy award to The Martian, and Matt Damon “named best actor in a motion picture, comedy or musical”, a grim film about an astronaut stranded on Mars, the Golden Globe Awards have again raised eyebrows by naming the rise of the Islamist militant group ISIS as the “funniest story of 2015.” “I get that ISIS’...
In another embarrassing incident, the American-trained Iraqi army has fled rather than confront an armed enemy. In the army’s latest debacle, Iraqi soldiers failed in an attempt to retake an Oregon wildlife refuge currently occupied by a handful of armed protestors. “I was all gung-ho on taking on the protestors until I saw that some of them had guns and...
Scholastic publisher HarperCollins has once again come under fire, this time after leaving the United States out of atlases distributed in the United Kingdom. The publisher insisted it had no choice, as British officials had refused to allow the maps into the country until all references to the United States were crossed out. “While the decision does not in any...
In a chilling development, the IDF discovered several tunnels into Israel that officials believe originated in the Washington D.C. area. While the purpose of the tunnels is unclear, investigators fear they may have been built by American officials with the intention of infiltrating the country to restart diplomatic negotiations. Israeli officials said they don’t believe any Americans were able to...
