Journalism has been in Roger Pumper’s blood since he began his first paper route in Kabul, Afghanistan, at the age of seven. After graduating from Cairo’s Al-Azhar University with a Doctorate in Animal Husbandry, Pumper worked as a fact-checker for Brian Williams and Bill O’Reilly. Pumper was awarded a Pulitzer Prize in 2002 for his investigative reporting on Iraq’s WMD program, though the award was later revoked. Pumper currently resides on a goat farm outside Kirachi, Pakistan.
In a move sure to once again embarrass President Obama, Russian President Vladimir Putin announced Saturday that he would begin enforcing stricter gun laws in the U.S. after years of inaction by the American government. “They’ve been dithering for too long and the time has come to act decisively,” Putin said in a press conference, announcing that his forces would...
In a dramatic turnaround, former U.S. Senator Rick Santorum has abandoned his staunchly pro-Israel stance after a visit to the city of Tel Aviv. “I can’t believe all those years in the Senate I was sending billions of U.S. tax dollars to a country of fornicators and homosexuals,” said a repulsed Santorum minutes after leaving Evita Bar in Tel Aviv....
Already under fire for publishing an atlas with Israel not included, publisher HarperCollins is now facing legal action as the Iranian government has filed a lawsuit accusing the publisher of intellectual property theft. “As everyone knows, Iran’s leadership has been speaking about wiping Israel off the map for decades,” an attorney for Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei told The Mideast...
In the latest success for President Obama’s policy towards Syria, the five moderate Syrian rebels trained by the U.S. military – at a cost of $100 million per soldier – have taken over the Syrian capital and are on their way to uniting the country under their rule. “While we have invested more than $500 million in taxpayer money in...
Taking note of the enthusiastic welcome Pope Francis received Thursday from Congressional Democrats, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu began reframing his opposition to the Iranian nuclear deal as stemming from the impact the agreement would have on the environment. “With the release of $150 billion in frozen funds, Iran will be able to increase its funding to groups like Hamas...
In a sign of growing tension between himself and Pope Francis, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu recently announced that he will address the College of Cardinals regarding the Vatican’s recognition of the State of Palestine last May. “While I have great respect for the office of the papacy, it’s my duty as the leader of the Jewish nation to prevent the Holy...
Following the release of an Iranian ISIS-like video threatening the United States with annihilation, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences announced the creation of a new category of jihadi anti-Western cinema for the 2016 Academy Awards. The category, officially listed as “Outstanding Live-Action Jihadi Short,” was created to accommodate the slew of anti-infidel videos coming out of the Middle East, many...
Authorities in Texas announced Thursday that they have uncovered an ISIS sleeper cell at a local middle school, leading to the arrest of three 13-year-old Muslim students. Police said they decided to launch an investigation of the students after learning all three had “weird-sounding last names”. They soon made several more shocking finds. None of the young men had shaved...
Calling him a hero, a role model and a victim of baseless discrimination, the National Security Agency nonetheless quietly agreed to enact around-the-clock surveillance on 14-year-old Ahmed Mohamed, who was arrested after a clock he brought into his high school in Irving, Texas was mistaken for a bomb. “Ahmed is a role model, and it’s tragic and disturbing that the...
Calling it a huge victory for religious freedom across the globe, Christians in Iraq, Syria and several other Middle Eastern countries took to the streets last week to celebrate Kentucky county clerk Kim Davis’ release from prison. “It’s been hard to enjoy our freedom here knowing that in America Mrs. Davis is behind bars just for being a Christian,” said...
After Egyptian security forces mistakenly killed eight Mexican tourists Saturday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump proposed tasking the Egyptian Army with protecting the United States’ southern border. “Clearly, the Egyptians know how to deal with the Mexicans,” Trump declared. “And these Mexicans that the Egyptians killed, they were law-abiding citizens. So just imagine what they’d do to the illegals!” Trump said...
After a series of foreign policy stumbles including an interview in which he mixed up the Kurds and Iran’s Al Quds Force, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump announced the addition of former Godfather’s Pizza CEO and 2012 presidential candidate Herman Cain to his foreign policy team. “Listen, I already know more about the world than any of those other losers,...
Calling it the organization’s most successful operation on U.S. soil in years, al Qaeda chief Ayman al-Zawahiri claimed responsibility for the deflated football during the AFC Championship and for causing millions of Americans to question the integrity of the Super Bowl. “In a tremendous blow to the American infidels, we infiltrated the New England Patriots locker room and had our...
The Palestinian women captured on video fighting to stop an Israeli soldier from arresting a child last week admitted that their fierce resistance against the soldier was in fact due to a case of mistaken identity. “We saw a skinny white guy with his face covered, and saw how determined he was to get away with a young child, and...
After the UN’s World Health Organization declared Israel the world’s top violator of health rights, world leaders from throughout Africa, Central Asia and the Middle East congratulated Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin “Bibi” Netanyahu on his country’s impressive feat. The designation has earned Netanyahu the admiration of dictators throughout the world, as the Israeli premier has suddenly become one of the...
Recently, the U.S. government released a trove of documents found in 2011 in Osama bin Laden’s compound in Abbottabad, Pakistan, including an al Qaeda job application form. Through an anonymous source (it was Joe Biden), The Mideast Beast has obtained a copy of this form. Al Qaeda Job Application Thank you for your interest in joining al Qaeda, the world’s number...
Nuclear negotiations have come to a halt as Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, Iran’s supreme leader, demanded to see President Obama’s long-form birth certificate before continuing discussions. Khamenei’s decision came after a letter sent by 47 Senate Republicans revealed that any deal signed with the President would be null and void because of a law requiring that he be born in the United...
Following Subway pitchman Jared Fogle’s plea deal on charges of child pornography and sex with minors, ISIS Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi announced plans to bring the sandwich chain to the Caliphate. “While we have been hesitant to allow infidel-owned businesses into our country, the news that Mr. Fogle had traveled across state lines to pay for sex with young girls...
Following the release of an Amnesty International report accusing Hamas of executing political opponents (among other war crimes) during last summer’s war in Gaza, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu was reportedly seen kicking himself for leaving his own domestic critics unharmed during the operation. “While I’m wasting my time and taxpayer money creating bogus ministries and made-up positions for my political...
A month after taking the throne following the death of King Abdullah, Saudi Arabia’s new monarch was reportedly stunned to discover that many of the Kingdom’s residents – by some counts more than half – are in fact women. “In his first cabinet meeting, King Salman mentioned that while vacationing in the French Riviera or hosting parties in his yacht’s...
