Cliff Magnum was born on an Australian mountain range for no reason in particular. Magnum migrated to California in 1991, having earned a full scholarship to UC Berkeley. With a bachelor's degree in Celtic Studies and an M.A. in Classical Archeology, Magnum was frequently unemployed for several years following graduation. Magnum was able to leave behind a promising career as a pet food taster when his first book, "The Defrocked Priest Wears Daisy Dukes," became an international bestseller. Magnum then branched out, penning critically acclaimed yet largely ignored books of erotic haikus, Blaxploitation fantasy, postmodern Norse mythology and surrealistic Westerns. Magnum is a frequent contributor to The Israeli Daily and is currently in the middle of his tenth libel, slander and defamation trial.
Mahmoud Abbas shocked the world early Monday morning by announcing his intention to step down as Palestinian Authority President in six weeks’ time and join the International Space Station (ISS) habitable artificial satellite. “My prostate’s the size of a melon. Zero gravity will help with the swelling,” the Palestinian statesman said after the UN Security Council rejected a resolution on ending the...
An epic snowball fight between Hezbollah militants and Israel Defense Force soldiers over the weekend has left at least six young men sightless. According to a Hezbollah fighter who took part in the skirmish on the Israeli-Lebanese border, “It was all good natured at first but took a turn for the worse when a bunch of guys from ISIS arrived...
Mohammad al-Adnani, the official spokesman of ISIS and one of its most senior members, has died in Syria, reportedly as a result of an online Facebook exchange. “Brother al-Adani suffered a nervous breakdown after trying to recruit a couple of students from Portland, Oregon. Whilst promoting Jihad, his message was drowned out by the snotty little gamers who spend their...
The Hamas government said Friday it will recognize same-sex marriages performed in any of the over 1,000 smuggling tunnels situated along the border between the Gaza Strip and Israel. “Something unexpected and fabulous happened during those long, lonely nights inside those dark, dusty tunnels during the last war,” explained Hamas Justice Minister Abdul-Malik Kassis. “While resisting the usurper Zionist government’s siege against...
TEHRAN — Iranian President Hassan Rouhani bragged in vulgar terms about his plans to add Saudi Arabia to the Islamic Republic’s list of conquests during a recent conversation caught on a hot microphone. “I moved on Mecca, and I failed. I’ll admit it: Forget furniture, I should have dropped some Spanish Fly in the King’s drink, like we did with that...
Abu bakr al-Baghdadi, CEO of the Islamic State, was so enthralled by the 90-minute presidential town hall debate that he has ordered his leadership to make a drastic change in how the organization conducts its worldwide Jihad campaign. “Starting today, we will conquer by lying, threatening, spreading vicious rumors and slinging unprecedented amounts of filth at our opponents. That should...
PEARLY GATES – According to alarming new reports, thousands of deceased Islamist militants are rioting across the afterworld as a result of former Israeli President Shimon Peres’ arrival. Hamas fighter Mustafa bin Over, who died in early 2016, had this to say: “We don’t want some war criminal in our neighborhood. First, I come up here for the virgins and...
The International Astronomical Union (IAU) voted to upgrade the Islamic Republic of Iran’s status to that of Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus and Neptune. “Iran fits all the criteria of a planet. First, it orbits around the sun. Second, it’s massive enough for its own gravity to make other countries shrink. Third, Iran is currently clearing the neighborhood around its orbit,” declared...
As the US military continues to accuse the Islamic Republic of harassing US Navy ships in the Persian Gulf, Tehran maintains that American vessels are actually leading Iranian forces on. “These American military officials: their lips say ‘no’ but their ships say ‘yes’,” Iranian Revolutionary Guard Corps Commander Freddie Farhadi asserted. “American patrol ships are the whores of the high...
University of California, Berkeley has responded proactively to critics who claim that the school trampled on academic freedom when it suspended a Palestinian history class. Administrators have hired prominent Palestinian religious figure Arash al-Rimi to teach a new one-credit Gender Studies course titled ‘Palestine: Getting Laid under the Zionist Jackboot.’ While the ‘Palestine: A Colonial Settler Analysis’ course was subsequently...
A devastating civil war is wreaking havoc on Syrian President Bashar al-Assad’s immune system, forcing him to suspend his campaign to wipe out any possibility of democracy and seek urgent medical care. “It began with the occasional dizzy spell when government helicopters were dropping barrel bombs on schools, hospitals, old age homes and other critical military targets. But nowadays, he...
Islamic State leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi apologized Saturday for plagiarizing President Barack Obama’s 2008 victory speech saying that he has already punished those responsible. “First, I find out that our speech writer, my sister’s husband Grabbir Bouby, is screwing my half-brother Sahib al-Suq. Then it’s brought to my attention that his replacement, my brother Muhammad’s boy, is dyslexic. Who’s doing...
Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas has agreed to meet with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu in Moscow, with television personality Dr. Phil McGraw to serve as U.S. Special Envoy for the negotiations. “Let’s get real. The Middle East is one giant clusterfuck. Well, the doctor is in the house and I will lock eyeballs with Netanyahu and Abbas and won’t let...
ISIS has followed Amazon’s lead and launched a pilot program in which a few dozen fighters will engage in only 30 hours of Jihad-making each week. In return, they will receive 75% of their normal quota of sex slaves and retain full health care benefits. “The Islamic State is dedicated to improving its future martyrs’ work-life balance.” ISIS leader Abu...
Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has accused international news channels of being responsible for the slaughter of hundreds of thousands of Syrians since the civil war broke out in 2011. “Want to end the genocide in Syria? Get the Zionist-controlled media out of my bedroom. All those cameras make me sweat uncontrollably during the day and break out in hives at...
A teenager who spent hours between school classes on his laptop, hacking websites belonging to the Iranian government, has been thanked for finding security gaps that could’ve been exploited by Iran’s enemies. 18-year old Atila Fikri was praised by Iranian Defense Minister Hossein Dehghan: “Anti-revolutionary, Zionist-funded, black-hat hackers are attempting to crash our networks. Once, during an all-night security meeting and...
The Turkish government has blocked Facebook and Twitter after a public dust-up involving the Islamic Republic of Iran, Israel and a slew of attack fans. “Real fans of martial law and mass arrests wouldn’t be throwing shade at my new friends,” Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan tweeted after supporters of his regime got hostile over a picture of him and Israeli Prime...
The Qatar Investment Authority has bought a 51% stake in the San Francisco 49ers, just days after quarterback Colin Kaepernick refused to stand during the US national anthem. “While receiving an amazing Thai massage from a young Filipina girl I purchased on Alibaba.com it hit me: waging Jihad is just like playing football. Both are well funded forms of organized...
NBC announced today that Khizr and Ghazala Khan, Donald Trump’s favorite couple, will be getting their own reality program, as part of the fall TV schedule. “Muslim Fear Factor will feature pulse racing stunts that force contestants to face their most primal fear: American Muslims. The Khans have signed on to host what promises to be a fascinating journey deep...
Hillary Clinton “It’s time for the United States to start thinking of Iraq as a business opportunity.” “Trump says he doesn’t like Assad, but would build a luxury golf course in Syria. Has a presidential candidate ever been this detached from reality? I’ve been in public life for decades and I think the answer is a resounding ‘no’.” “We should...
