ISIS Leader Commits Suicide After Trying to Recruit Two Millennials

Mohammad al-Adnani, the official spokesman of ISIS and one of its most senior members, has died in Syria, reportedly as a result of an online Facebook exchange.

“Brother al-Adani suffered a nervous breakdown after trying to recruit a couple of students from Portland, Oregon. Whilst promoting Jihad, his message was drowned out by the snotty little gamers who spend their days throwing a Frisbee, dressing like Superman and singing along to carpool Karaoke. After enduring six hours of whining about parents, bragging about new iPhones and arguments about energy drinks, our leader logged off, drove to the nearest cliff, and pulled a superman,” ISIS said.

While ISIS spin doctors have been successful in recruiting overly sensitive millennials, al-Adnani’s apparent suicide is causing the militant group’s leader to rethink his entire marketing strategy.

“I’d rather be kicked in the balls by a camel than chat on Facebook with these high maintenance hipsters. These spoiled brats, with their overpriced jeans, T-shirts and flip-flops, can’t even update a spreadsheet without pulling a muscle. You really think these overeducated, underemployed douchebags are gonna fight the filthy, cowardly nonbelievers to the death? Sure, right after they pay off their student loans,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi asserted.

In response, Justin Bieber, one of the world’s most powerful millennials, tweeted: “ISIS is a bunch of crusty old dicks. If these fucktards knew about Emoji they could expand their emotions and not throw shade all the time.”