Cliff Magnum

Cliff Magnum was born on an Australian mountain range for no reason in particular. Magnum migrated to California in 1991, having earned a full scholarship to UC Berkeley. With a bachelor's degree in Celtic Studies and an M.A. in Classical Archeology, Magnum was frequently unemployed for several years following graduation. Magnum was able to leave behind a promising career as a pet food taster when his first book, "The Defrocked Priest Wears Daisy Dukes," became an international bestseller. Magnum then branched out, penning critically acclaimed yet largely ignored books of erotic haikus, Blaxploitation fantasy, postmodern Norse mythology and surrealistic Westerns. Magnum is a frequent contributor to The Israeli Daily and is currently in the middle of his tenth libel, slander and defamation trial.

 

Iran to Give up Nuclear Program if Israel Helps it Track Down Gays
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Iran to Give up Nuclear Program if Israel Helps it Track Down Gays

In response to the historic decision by the United States Supreme Court to legalize same-sex marriages, the Islamic Republic of Iran has allegedly reached out to Israel for advice on how to locate ‘undesirables’. “Ever since America made gay marriage legal, our perverts have been demanding better treatment. Since we don’t officially acknowledge the existence of homosexuals in our country,...

Following Obama’s Remark, 2016 Presidential Hopefuls Seek to ‘Out-Jew’ One Another
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Following Obama’s Remark, 2016 Presidential Hopefuls Seek to ‘Out-Jew’ One Another

President Barack Obama’s claim that he’s “the closest thing to a Jew that has ever sat in this office” has both Republicans and Democrats running for the 2016 presidential nomination scrambling to highlight their Jewish ancestral roots. “I don’t really look like my brother or sister. And though I was raised in a Spanish-speaking home, I was never able to learn...

Top Gun 2 to Be Filmed in Jordan, King Abdullah to Co-Star with Tom Cruise

Top Gun 2 to Be Filmed in Jordan, King Abdullah to Co-Star with Tom Cruise

The long-awaited sequel to Top Gun, the classic 1986 action drama starring Tom Cruise, and ‘green lit’ by Paramount Studios a while back, is scheduled to begin production in early 2016. The location? Jordan, and none other than King Abdullah II will play a prominent role in the film. “Tom is stoked about reprising the role of naval aviator Pete ‘Maverick’ Mitchell. And...

US Intel Report Adds Fourth Netanyahu Term to List of Terror Threats
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US Intel Report Adds Fourth Netanyahu Term to List of Terror Threats

Unbeknownst to many, the 2015 Worldwide Threat Assessment of the US Intelligence Communities, published in late February, includes an electoral victory for Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu’s Likud party. According to Ferris Appleby, the Assistant Director of National Intelligence who delivered the annual report to the United States Senate: “Netanyahu’s nonstop bellyaching about a nuclear holocaust is a major buzzkill. Every time...

Leaked Tape Reveals Hamas Leader Begging Netanyahu to Invade Gaza
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Leaked Tape Reveals Hamas Leader Begging Netanyahu to Invade Gaza

An audio recording of Palestinian Hamas leader in Gaza, Ismail Haniyeh, imploring Israel’s Prime Minister to launch an all-out air, ground, and sea assault on the Gaza Strip has exploded on the Internet. “Benjamin, come on already! ISIS is a thorn in my throat. I’m choking here! Kindly have your military unleash a fresh wave of human suffering on Gaza. You don’t even...

Ex-Generals Tell United Nations: Israelis Have Great Wartime Sex
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Ex-Generals Tell United Nations: Israelis Have Great Wartime Sex

A multi-national group of former senior military leaders released its findings, partly based on Dr. Ruth’s expert advice, that during the last Gaza War in 2014, “Israelis not only met the reasonable international standard of having regular sex, but in many cases exceeded that standard.” “Increased military operations into Gaza over the last few years have thrown young Israeli soldiers into...

UN Study: 85% of Peace Negotiators End Up in Alcoholics Anonymous

UN Study: 85% of Peace Negotiators End Up in Alcoholics Anonymous

Those who believe too strongly in peaceful resolutions to conflicts are setting themselves up for not only heartbreak but also an addiction, according to a study released by the United Nations. The UN found that more than four out five people who had engaged in senior-level peace talks wound up joining Alcoholics Anonymous after negotiations collapsed. “Our best educated, best...

Hezbollah Ends All Military Activity in Response to Garbage Crisis
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Hezbollah Ends All Military Activity in Response to Garbage Crisis

Lebanon’s waste management disaster has crippled the Party of God’s ability to function, forcing the militant group to quit the war waging business. “I was on the rooftop of an underground nightclub, just groovin’ to ‘Bitch I’m Madonna’ and getting ready to launch a rocket into the living room of a Lebanese member of parliament. All of a sudden, thousands...

France Surrenders to an Unsuspecting Iran
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France Surrenders to an Unsuspecting Iran

French Foreign Minister Laurent Fabius delivered a short note to Iran’s President Hassan Rouhani from French President Francois Hollande: “We quit. Paris is yours. Good luck in Syria and Yemen.” “We are of course deeply flattered by the French government’s capitulation. We thought we were meeting to work out a deal for Iran to start building Peugeot cars. After seven hours of...

Dozens of Women Accuse ISIS Leader of Respectful Treatment
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Dozens of Women Accuse ISIS Leader of Respectful Treatment

The world’s most powerful Jihadist, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, is engulfed in a firestorm of controversy following accusations that he secretly treated females as nothing less than equals for decades. “He encouraged me to go to college, earn a degree and focus on my career. Today, Baghdadi’s idolized by angry young men around the Middle East based on his tough-guy reputation....

Palestinian Leader Appoints Arnold Schwarzenegger to Pump Up Sagging Popularity

Palestinian Leader Appoints Arnold Schwarzenegger to Pump Up Sagging Popularity

Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas surprised his cabinet in Ramallah this morning by introducing action star Arnold Schwarzenegger as the government’s first Minister of Comebacks. “Brothers, the world is sick of the peace process. Our message is about as comprehensible as the new Björk album. Now, I can’t think of anyone, not even Sly Stallone, who’s gotten more mileage out...

Report: Syrian Government Quits Social Media
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Report: Syrian Government Quits Social Media

Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has cancelled Syria’s membership on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, and all other social media networking sites. “We’re dead, baby. Our funeral will be bigger than Princess Diana’s. We’ve booked Elton John and George Michael who will be duetting, ‘Don’t Let The Sun Go Down on Me’,” the Syrian strongman tweeted before deleting his country’s official Twitter account....

Iranian Supreme Leader Condemns Obama for Rising World Jewish Population

Iranian Supreme Leader Condemns Obama for Rising World Jewish Population

Ayatollah Ali Khamenei lashed out at President Barack Obama in response to a new survey estimating that the global Jewish population has grown to near pre-Holocaust levels. “You say you want to trust us, but how can we trust you if Zionists have been breeding like rabbits under your watch? I was going to retire to the south of France as...

Nervous US-Trained Iraqi Soldiers Get Pep Talk from Tom Brady
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Nervous US-Trained Iraqi Soldiers Get Pep Talk from Tom Brady

Stressed out Sunni volunteer fighters were reassured by NFL superstar Tom Brady that “Me, the entire New England Patriots organization and my delicious Brazilian fashion model wife are confident that you’ll bring your A-game whenever ISIS comes to play,” during a graduation ceremony at Anbar Province’s Al-Taqaddum Air Base. “”I told Brady that what we really need is less jawing...