Cliff Magnum was born on an Australian mountain range for no reason in particular. Magnum migrated to California in 1991, having earned a full scholarship to UC Berkeley. With a bachelor's degree in Celtic Studies and an M.A. in Classical Archeology, Magnum was frequently unemployed for several years following graduation. Magnum was able to leave behind a promising career as a pet food taster when his first book, "The Defrocked Priest Wears Daisy Dukes," became an international bestseller. Magnum then branched out, penning critically acclaimed yet largely ignored books of erotic haikus, Blaxploitation fantasy, postmodern Norse mythology and surrealistic Westerns. Magnum is a frequent contributor to The Israeli Daily and is currently in the middle of his tenth libel, slander and defamation trial.
President Barack Obama’s claim that he’s “the closest thing to a Jew that has ever sat in this office” has both Republicans and Democrats running for the 2016 presidential nomination scrambling to highlight their Jewish ancestral roots. “I don’t really look like my brother or sister. And though I was raised in a Spanish-speaking home, I was never able to learn...
The long-awaited sequel to Top Gun, the classic 1986 action drama starring Tom Cruise, and ‘green lit’ by Paramount Studios a while back, is scheduled to begin production in early 2016. The location? Jordan, and none other than King Abdullah II will play a prominent role in the film. “Tom is stoked about reprising the role of naval aviator Pete ‘Maverick’ Mitchell. And...
Unbeknownst to many, the 2015 Worldwide Threat Assessment of the US Intelligence Communities, published in late February, includes an electoral victory for Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu’s Likud party. According to Ferris Appleby, the Assistant Director of National Intelligence who delivered the annual report to the United States Senate: “Netanyahu’s nonstop bellyaching about a nuclear holocaust is a major buzzkill. Every time...
An audio recording of Palestinian Hamas leader in Gaza, Ismail Haniyeh, imploring Israel’s Prime Minister to launch an all-out air, ground, and sea assault on the Gaza Strip has exploded on the Internet. “Benjamin, come on already! ISIS is a thorn in my throat. I’m choking here! Kindly have your military unleash a fresh wave of human suffering on Gaza. You don’t even...
A multi-national group of former senior military leaders released its findings, partly based on Dr. Ruth’s expert advice, that during the last Gaza War in 2014, “Israelis not only met the reasonable international standard of having regular sex, but in many cases exceeded that standard.” “Increased military operations into Gaza over the last few years have thrown young Israeli soldiers into...
Yukiya Amano, head of the UN’s International Atomic Energy Agency, was shocked to discover recently that the Islamic Republic of Iran has quietly become the world’s leading producer of sex dolls. “Iran became seriously cash strapped once countries began imposing sanctions. The Minister of Petroleum and Youth Affairs at the time proposed that Iran get into the booming blow up...
Those who believe too strongly in peaceful resolutions to conflicts are setting themselves up for not only heartbreak but also an addiction, according to a study released by the United Nations. The UN found that more than four out five people who had engaged in senior-level peace talks wound up joining Alcoholics Anonymous after negotiations collapsed. “Our best educated, best...
A Saudi court convicted two women of homosexuality just hours after their sentences for anti-Islamic blogging had been commuted. “My right hand was chopped off when I blogged that King Salman looks likes like a bloated crocodile fish and walks like a duck. Yesterday, I was acquitted of that charge and sent home. Today, I’m on death row. Luckily, I’m a...
Lebanon’s waste management disaster has crippled the Party of God’s ability to function, forcing the militant group to quit the war waging business. “I was on the rooftop of an underground nightclub, just groovin’ to ‘Bitch I’m Madonna’ and getting ready to launch a rocket into the living room of a Lebanese member of parliament. All of a sudden, thousands...
French Foreign Minister Laurent Fabius delivered a short note to Iran’s President Hassan Rouhani from French President Francois Hollande: “We quit. Paris is yours. Good luck in Syria and Yemen.” “We are of course deeply flattered by the French government’s capitulation. We thought we were meeting to work out a deal for Iran to start building Peugeot cars. After seven hours of...
In response to the Iranian nuclear agreement, a distraught Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu, has been heard in recent days around Jerusalem mumbling to himself and sharing his uncensored views at local eating establishments. “The Prime Minister was quietly munching on a Falafel ball when the news about the finalized deal came over the radio. All of a sudden, he...
The world’s most powerful Jihadist, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, is engulfed in a firestorm of controversy following accusations that he secretly treated females as nothing less than equals for decades. “He encouraged me to go to college, earn a degree and focus on my career. Today, Baghdadi’s idolized by angry young men around the Middle East based on his tough-guy reputation....
Now that the deal between Iran and the West has alleviated fears of a nuclear apocalypse, the American public has largely tuned out news coming out of the Middle East to focus on domestic issues. “I became so obsessed with Iran’s nuclear program that I didn’t even notice when my wife gave birth to another man’s child. If there’s one...
US Secretary of State John Kerry is so confident of winning the 2015 Nobel Peace Prize that he has broken ground on a dramatic expansion of his stylish Beacon Hill property. “The award will be hermetically sealed and kept in an underground aquarium the size of 20 Olympic-size swimming pools. Mr. Kerry asked me to call SeaWorld and purchase the...
Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas surprised his cabinet in Ramallah this morning by introducing action star Arnold Schwarzenegger as the government’s first Minister of Comebacks. “Brothers, the world is sick of the peace process. Our message is about as comprehensible as the new Björk album. Now, I can’t think of anyone, not even Sly Stallone, who’s gotten more mileage out...
Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has cancelled Syria’s membership on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, and all other social media networking sites. “We’re dead, baby. Our funeral will be bigger than Princess Diana’s. We’ve booked Elton John and George Michael who will be duetting, ‘Don’t Let The Sun Go Down on Me’,” the Syrian strongman tweeted before deleting his country’s official Twitter account....
George Clooney has parted from leggy, Lebanese-born human rights attorney Amal Alamuddin, and joined the ragtag band of Kurdish fighters resisting ISIS on the Turkish-Syrian border. “I thought Amal would use her connections to help me become President of the United States. Instead, that clingy bitch did nothing but nag me about poker nights with Matt Damon and Don Cheadle,”...
Ayatollah Ali Khamenei lashed out at President Barack Obama in response to a new survey estimating that the global Jewish population has grown to near pre-Holocaust levels. “You say you want to trust us, but how can we trust you if Zionists have been breeding like rabbits under your watch? I was going to retire to the south of France as...
Stressed out Sunni volunteer fighters were reassured by NFL superstar Tom Brady that “Me, the entire New England Patriots organization and my delicious Brazilian fashion model wife are confident that you’ll bring your A-game whenever ISIS comes to play,” during a graduation ceremony at Anbar Province’s Al-Taqaddum Air Base. “”I told Brady that what we really need is less jawing...
Cybercriminals from the Islamic Republic of Iran have allegedly stolen tens of thousands of documents related to the country’s nuclear weapons capabilities from the Central Intelligence Agency. Even more disturbing, the computer pirates wanted the United States to know that its security had been violated. According to a shadowy figure with a Charlie Chaplin-esque mustache and reported ties to Iran’s...
