Cliff Magnum was born on an Australian mountain range for no reason in particular. Magnum migrated to California in 1991, having earned a full scholarship to UC Berkeley. With a bachelor's degree in Celtic Studies and an M.A. in Classical Archeology, Magnum was frequently unemployed for several years following graduation. Magnum was able to leave behind a promising career as a pet food taster when his first book, "The Defrocked Priest Wears Daisy Dukes," became an international bestseller. Magnum then branched out, penning critically acclaimed yet largely ignored books of erotic haikus, Blaxploitation fantasy, postmodern Norse mythology and surrealistic Westerns. Magnum is a frequent contributor to The Israeli Daily and is currently in the middle of his tenth libel, slander and defamation trial.
Dozens of civil servants tasked with analyzing nearly 15,000 emails of previously undisclosed communications from Hillary Clinton’s private server whilst she was Secretary of State have abandoned their posts and sought asylum at the nearby Saudi Arabian embassy. “It was worse than sitting through Zoolander 2. We were told that no one could leave until somebody found something nasty on...
WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange claims the organization has obtained thousands of e-mails showing that Israel’s Mossad national intelligence agency has recently made overtures to newly-retired Olympic legend Michael Phelps. During an interview with television host Bill Maher, Assange said; “Our recently decapitated source inside the Israeli government provided us with a treasure trove of information about some of the country’s...
In what may be a turning point in Europe’s war against terrorism, an Islamic State cell operating in Milan has suspended all Jihadi-related activities and apparently retired to the Italian countryside. “After this group was bitch-slapped out of Libya, we feared that Jihadi fighters might sneak onto refugee boats, cross the Mediterranean and launch lone wolf attacks in Italy. However,...
In a surprising move Donald Trump has agreed with Khizr Khan, the father of a Muslim US soldier slain in Iraq in 2004, that he has a “black soul”, and lacks basic human empathy. “You got me! This is one thing, besides my freakishly small hands and tax returns, that I’ve been hiding from the American people. I do have...
Hard rock legend Ozzy Osborne is relocating to the kingdom of Saudi Arabia in a desperate search for a remedy to his addiction to sex. “Problem is, I have 24/7 access to every flavor of poontang you can imagine. I even hooked up with a chick I met at a polling station during the Brexit vote. That’s when it hit...
Donald Trump condemned the Olympic Refugee Team today as “low-energy cheaters who are in cahoots with lyin’ crooked Hillary Clinton to knock me off the front page.” Following refugee swimmer Yusra Mardini’s 41st place finish in the 100m butterfly preliminary rounds on Saturday, Trump posted on Facebook: “How can someone who came in dead last get so much coverage? New...
TEHRAN — Within 12 hours of release, Harry Potter and the Cursed Child topped every single best seller list in the world, including that of the Islamic Republic of Iran. “The Iranian people are apeshit for Harry. After we edited out all imperialistic, pornographic, Zionistic, homosexual, anti-Islamic and anti-revolutionary references, we knew we had a monster hit on our hands –...
Senator Bernie Sanders has quit the Democratic Party and is channeling his political revolution in a new direction: The Middle East. “Like me, Hamas made its name by fighting for socialist values, among others, equal treatment of the poor and fighting the bourgeoisie. But, much like the Democratic Party establishment in the United States, Hamas’s leaders have grown fat and corrupt...
On Thursday, Syrian President Bashar Assad, offered amnesty to approximately 11 million undocumented workers and their families currently residing in the United States. “More than 4.5 million refugees have fled Syria. My country is emptying out faster than a keg of shitty beer at a frat party. Anyone with a strong back and love for the great outdoors is welcome. While we can’t...
WASHINGTON D.C. — Following Secretary of State John Kerry’s statement that air conditioners are as big a threat to life as we know it as ISIS, the militant group has declared war on all electrical equipment that makes the air inside a building, room, or vehicle colder. “Air conditioners are causing glaciers in the Arctic to melt, sea levels to rise, and Jewish women to breed uncontrollably. We all have to...
Under mounting pressure to increase security since the tragic terrorist attack last week that left 84 people dead, the French government has launched an all-out war on trucks. “When it comes to combating terrorism, we’ve been accused of being as ineffective as Elton John in bed with three Playboy Playmates. But that stops here as I launch an operation that will...
At a time when foreigners in Western garb are being targeted for deadly attacks by the Islamic State and other militant groups, the US State Department has advised citizens visiting the Arab World to dress like prominent American Muslims. “All douchebags are urged to stop wearing Crocs, fanny packs, schlumpy t-shirts, baseball caps worn backwards and North Face jackets. You...
LOS ANGELES — 50 Cent has reached a bankruptcy deal that will require him to pay out $23 million to his creditors over the next five years. In order to help pay that debt, he has confirmed that he will be performing in the first-ever gay pride festival in Saudi Arabia, despite his long history of anti-gay comments, such as...
WASHINGTON D.C. — For weeks, rumors have persisted that A-list celebrities might be making an appearance at Donald Trump’s Republican National Convention this summer. Yet while the GOP Convention will not include Mike Tyson, Bruce Wills, or a single Jew, it will feature leaders of the militant group, the Islamic State. ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi said; “We always get...
Presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump saluted the Turkish people after a heinous terror attack at Ataturk airport in Istanbul, which killed 42 people and injured more than 230. “Wherever evil strikes, we will strike back…by constructing a Turnberry golf course. Turkey needs to take back its country, just like the United Kingdom did. Wherever we break ground on a front...
Among the new batch of e-mails from Hillary Clinton’s time at the State Department that surfaced today, several depict the presumptive Democratic presidential nominee as hostile towards Israel. “What a shitty little country. I just got off the phone with Netanyahu. Sure, he wants a peace deal with the Palestinians: as long as I get him and the Mrs. tickets to...
Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas has asserted that the British vote to leave the European Union is the result of determined efforts by several rabbis in Israel to undermine Continental unity. “Only a week ago, I ran into some Zionists as they were torching olive groves in colonized Palestine. Over several cups of sweet tea, they confessed to me that...
ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has responded to allegations made by Senator John McCain that President Obama was directly responsible for the attack on the Pulse nightclub in Orlando. “Obama? No, the real hero that inspired the slaughter of 49 gay crusader infidels is none other than John McCain. His hatred of everything we represent is intoxicating. I confess to having a...
The popular Qatari-backed news network has responded aggressively to a multimillion-dollar anti-female, anti-Semitic and anti-American bias lawsuit by moving its headquarters from New York City to Jerusalem and firing its male staffers. “We love women, we love Jews and we love America: just not in Arabic,” network CEO Sheldon Asfour said today. Asfour then outlined how his network has provided...
In response to the historic decision by the United States Supreme Court to legalize same-sex marriages, the Islamic Republic of Iran has allegedly reached out to Israel for advice on how to locate ‘undesirables’. “Ever since America made gay marriage legal, our perverts have been demanding better treatment. Since we don’t officially acknowledge the existence of homosexuals in our country,...
