Cliff Magnum

Cliff Magnum was born on an Australian mountain range for no reason in particular. Magnum migrated to California in 1991, having earned a full scholarship to UC Berkeley. With a bachelor's degree in Celtic Studies and an M.A. in Classical Archeology, Magnum was frequently unemployed for several years following graduation. Magnum was able to leave behind a promising career as a pet food taster when his first book, "The Defrocked Priest Wears Daisy Dukes," became an international bestseller. Magnum then branched out, penning critically acclaimed yet largely ignored books of erotic haikus, Blaxploitation fantasy, postmodern Norse mythology and surrealistic Westerns. Magnum is a frequent contributor to The Israeli Daily and is currently in the middle of his tenth libel, slander and defamation trial.

 

Iran Suspected of Hacking into CIA Website and Planting Funny Computer Virus
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Iran Suspected of Hacking into CIA Website and Planting Funny Computer Virus

Cybercriminals from the Islamic Republic of Iran have allegedly stolen tens of thousands of documents related to the country’s nuclear weapons capabilities from the Central Intelligence Agency. Even more disturbing, the computer pirates wanted the United States to know that its security had been violated. According to a shadowy figure with a Charlie Chaplin-esque mustache and reported ties to Iran’s...

Thousands of Israelis Flee to Turkey to Escape Any More Talk about Bombing Iran
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Thousands of Israelis Flee to Turkey to Escape Any More Talk about Bombing Iran

Approximately 10,000 Israelis beating a hasty retreat from Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s nonstop threats to attack Iran’s nuclear facilities have crossed into Turkey, the United Nations refugee agency said Tuesday. “Damn straight I’m a refugee. I woke up at three in the morning just to watch Game 6 of the NBA Finals. Just as LeBron James is driving to the basket, a news...

US Government Issues ‘Israel Travel Warning’ to American Jews
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US Government Issues ‘Israel Travel Warning’ to American Jews

The US State Department Monday urged its citizens to avoid all travel to Israel because of security concerns raised by Birthright trips. In a statement, the State Department said, “American Jewish parents should understand that they accept the risks of sending their children on Birthright Israel and should carefully consider those risks.” “In the past year, seventeen US citizens were arrested for illegal...

Assad Takes Break from Syrian Civil War to Attend Paul McCartney Concert
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Assad Takes Break from Syrian Civil War to Attend Paul McCartney Concert

As Syria continues it’s rapid unraveling, President Bashar al-Assad was reportedly seen dancing the night away among 20,000 aging baby boomers at the Paul McCartney concert in London last weekend. “Maybe I’m amazed I’ve managed to stay in power this long,” Assad was overheard telling his wife during Sir Paul’s powerful rendition of ‘Carry That Weight.’ The Syrian strongman, a...

Vatican Condemns Israeli Attack on Gaza, Calls Hamas Leader ‘Good Shepherd’
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Vatican Condemns Israeli Attack on Gaza, Calls Hamas Leader ‘Good Shepherd’

A Holy See ambassador issued a stinging rebuke of the Israeli missile strikes on military training facilities in the Gaza Strip that were launched in response to an earlier firing of four rockets into Israel this week. “Our Jewish brothers in Israel have aligned themselves with the Prince of this World, Satan. As Palestinian boys and girls slept, warplanes unleashed...

Obama Consults with Astrologer and Ouija Board Following US Loss of Ramadi to ISIS
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Obama Consults with Astrologer and Ouija Board Following US Loss of Ramadi to ISIS

US President Barack Obama is “looking to the heavens for help” after ISIS captured the Iraqi town of Ramadi last week, a top US official said. The senior level government source revealed that Obama decided to send 1,000 anti-tank missile systems to Iraq to defeat the Jihadi threat after “a midnight session and séance with acclaimed Thai astrologer Sorajja Nual-yu.“ According to the...

Netanyahu Goes on Team Building Trip with New Government, Comes Back Alone

Netanyahu Goes on Team Building Trip with New Government, Comes Back Alone

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu tried to strengthen relations between his new government’s members by leading a team-bonding excursion into the Negev Desert that ended with him returning home alone. “A heaping, stinking mess,” is how the hiking guide described the government’s first attempt at working together. “I don’t want to name names, but while one government official – wearing...

American Association of University Professors Votes to Replace ‘Middle East’
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American Association of University Professors Votes to Replace ‘Middle East’

In an attempt to connect with chronically glassy eyed college students, the largest organization of professors in the United States is combatting declining interest in Middle East studies by changing the name of the region. “Today’s pop culturally savvy, sex-saturated undergraduates are tuning out of any programs that contain the term ‘Middle East’. Aspiring potheads around the country believe that the entire region is...

James Taylor Announces Tour of Mideast States Battling ISIS

James Taylor Announces Tour of Mideast States Battling ISIS

James Taylor, thrust back into the public eye after his surprise appearance at a press conference following the attack on Charlie Hebdo singing ‘You’ve Got a Friend’ to the French people, has embarked on a 10-city jaunt through Middle East capitals whose governments have asserted their opposition to the ISIS militant group. “After hugging Paris, Jim is stoked about hanging loose...

ISIS Sends Congratulatory Note to Turkish Leader on Anniversary of Armenian Genocide
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ISIS Sends Congratulatory Note to Turkish Leader on Anniversary of Armenian Genocide

The President of Turkey, Recep Tayyip Erdogan, received an unexpected show of support from the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria on the centennial of the massacres that killed an estimated 1.5 million Armenians. “Your modesty about Turkey’s involvement is endearing. Your people have showed generations of young, insecure Jihadists everywhere that, with just a bit of stick-to-itiveness, it is...

After Being Stood up by Saudi King, Obama Goes on Epic Drinking Binge

After Being Stood up by Saudi King, Obama Goes on Epic Drinking Binge

Stunned by the news that Saudi King Salman had refused his invitation to attend a landmark summit, President Barack Obama reportedly spent Saturday night bar hopping across Washington, D.C. “It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to!” Obama shrieked before chugging down a beer at the ‘Board Room’ sports bar. “They’re all gonna laugh at me,” Obama was overheard...

President of Iran Condemns New Stars Wars Movie as Anti-Iranian
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President of Iran Condemns New Stars Wars Movie as Anti-Iranian

Iranian President Hassan Rouhani denounced the soon-to-be released Star Wars: Episode VII, in a speech carried live on state-run television. “I’ve seen the trailers. This American propaganda piece warps strong, charismatic, security-minded leaders and turns them into monsters. Emperor Palpatine loves democracy and the Republic, as do I. Only Western nations hell-bent on destabilizing our region would support a movie...

Kerry: ‘We’re Focused on Teaching Americans to Find Yemen on a Map’
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Kerry: ‘We’re Focused on Teaching Americans to Find Yemen on a Map’

US Secretary of State John Kerry said Saturday that the United States is working “very hard” to help geographically challenged Americans locate the war-torn Republic of Yemen. “I’ve pretty much tuned out of the Middle East. This State Department gig is about to end and I’ve been surfing LinkedIn for my next career challenge. I’ll manage. I mean have you ever received a...

Suspected Suicide Bomber, Awan Boudi, Captured at McDonald’s
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Suspected Suicide Bomber, Awan Boudi, Captured at McDonald’s

FBI agents swarmed a McDonald’s in Los Angeles and arrested an alleged suicide bomber linked to the Syria-based Nusra Front on Wednesday. The Lebanese daily Al-Pharteen identified the accused martyr in the making as 42-year-old Awan Boudi, a resident of the southern Lebanese village of Jezzine. “The Feds slapped me so hard, they broke my mother’s nose,” Boudi told his court-appointed...

Iran Asks United Nations to Ban Question Marks

Iran Asks United Nations to Ban Question Marks

The Islamic Republic of Iran has filed a draft resolution in favor of removing the ‘question mark’ from all official UN documents. “We feel good about our chances,” Iran’s Deputy Foreign Minister Babak Zardooz was quoted as saying. “If the Western powers are forced to stop asking questions, Iran will gladly sign a framework agreement pertaining to our completely civilian nuclear program,”...

Israeli Tour Guide Fools Israelis into Believing They’re in Egypt

Israeli Tour Guide Fools Israelis into Believing They’re in Egypt

Shlomi Bezalel, a licensed private tour guide, tricked 75 Israeli tourists into thinking that they were visiting Cairo. In fact, the group never left Israel. “This was supposed to be a romantic getaway with my girlfriend. I became suspicious when I saw my wife waddling on the banks of the ‘Nile River’. What luck: that bitch has left her bedroom exactly...

Iranian-Born Porn Star Ignites Controversy Back Home

Iranian-Born Porn Star Ignites Controversy Back Home

An up and coming adult film actress living in Hollywood, California is stirring fierce debate in the land of her birth, causing a rift among social media users in the Islamic Republic of Iran. “This is an important dialogue that the Iranian people are conducting,” said porn star Afrooz Ahmadi on the set of her latest movie ‘Transsexuals: Age of...