Cliff Magnum was born on an Australian mountain range for no reason in particular. Magnum migrated to California in 1991, having earned a full scholarship to UC Berkeley. With a bachelor's degree in Celtic Studies and an M.A. in Classical Archeology, Magnum was frequently unemployed for several years following graduation. Magnum was able to leave behind a promising career as a pet food taster when his first book, "The Defrocked Priest Wears Daisy Dukes," became an international bestseller. Magnum then branched out, penning critically acclaimed yet largely ignored books of erotic haikus, Blaxploitation fantasy, postmodern Norse mythology and surrealistic Westerns. Magnum is a frequent contributor to The Israeli Daily and is currently in the middle of his tenth libel, slander and defamation trial.
Approximately 10,000 Israelis beating a hasty retreat from Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s nonstop threats to attack Iran’s nuclear facilities have crossed into Turkey, the United Nations refugee agency said Tuesday. “Damn straight I’m a refugee. I woke up at three in the morning just to watch Game 6 of the NBA Finals. Just as LeBron James is driving to the basket, a news...
An exceptionally horny Israeli aviator on Sunday veered away from his squadron during a wide-scale multinational drill, and flew off with a pack of Italian Air Force pilots to party it up in Rome. “I became a flyboy because no matter what I did, I just couldn’t get laid in high school. Per capita, Israeli aviators have the highest rates...
The US State Department Monday urged its citizens to avoid all travel to Israel because of security concerns raised by Birthright trips. In a statement, the State Department said, “American Jewish parents should understand that they accept the risks of sending their children on Birthright Israel and should carefully consider those risks.” “In the past year, seventeen US citizens were arrested for illegal...
As Syria continues it’s rapid unraveling, President Bashar al-Assad was reportedly seen dancing the night away among 20,000 aging baby boomers at the Paul McCartney concert in London last weekend. “Maybe I’m amazed I’ve managed to stay in power this long,” Assad was overheard telling his wife during Sir Paul’s powerful rendition of ‘Carry That Weight.’ The Syrian strongman, a...
A Holy See ambassador issued a stinging rebuke of the Israeli missile strikes on military training facilities in the Gaza Strip that were launched in response to an earlier firing of four rockets into Israel this week. “Our Jewish brothers in Israel have aligned themselves with the Prince of this World, Satan. As Palestinian boys and girls slept, warplanes unleashed...
US President Barack Obama is “looking to the heavens for help” after ISIS captured the Iraqi town of Ramadi last week, a top US official said. The senior level government source revealed that Obama decided to send 1,000 anti-tank missile systems to Iraq to defeat the Jihadi threat after “a midnight session and séance with acclaimed Thai astrologer Sorajja Nual-yu.“ According to the...
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu tried to strengthen relations between his new government’s members by leading a team-bonding excursion into the Negev Desert that ended with him returning home alone. “A heaping, stinking mess,” is how the hiking guide described the government’s first attempt at working together. “I don’t want to name names, but while one government official – wearing...
British musician and former Smiths front man Morrissey immediately cancelled the remaining shows on his 2015 concert tour upon hearing the news that he had been sentenced to death by an Egyptian court on Saturday. “I cannot take this kind of heat. I have delicate skin and the thought of being shot, beheaded or however they plan on ending me is...
In an attempt to connect with chronically glassy eyed college students, the largest organization of professors in the United States is combatting declining interest in Middle East studies by changing the name of the region. “Today’s pop culturally savvy, sex-saturated undergraduates are tuning out of any programs that contain the term ‘Middle East’. Aspiring potheads around the country believe that the entire region is...
James Taylor, thrust back into the public eye after his surprise appearance at a press conference following the attack on Charlie Hebdo singing ‘You’ve Got a Friend’ to the French people, has embarked on a 10-city jaunt through Middle East capitals whose governments have asserted their opposition to the ISIS militant group. “After hugging Paris, Jim is stoked about hanging loose...
The President of Turkey, Recep Tayyip Erdogan, received an unexpected show of support from the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria on the centennial of the massacres that killed an estimated 1.5 million Armenians. “Your modesty about Turkey’s involvement is endearing. Your people have showed generations of young, insecure Jihadists everywhere that, with just a bit of stick-to-itiveness, it is...
Stunned by the news that Saudi King Salman had refused his invitation to attend a landmark summit, President Barack Obama reportedly spent Saturday night bar hopping across Washington, D.C. “It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to!” Obama shrieked before chugging down a beer at the ‘Board Room’ sports bar. “They’re all gonna laugh at me,” Obama was overheard...
Iranian President Hassan Rouhani denounced the soon-to-be released Star Wars: Episode VII, in a speech carried live on state-run television. “I’ve seen the trailers. This American propaganda piece warps strong, charismatic, security-minded leaders and turns them into monsters. Emperor Palpatine loves democracy and the Republic, as do I. Only Western nations hell-bent on destabilizing our region would support a movie...
US Secretary of State John Kerry said Saturday that the United States is working “very hard” to help geographically challenged Americans locate the war-torn Republic of Yemen. “I’ve pretty much tuned out of the Middle East. This State Department gig is about to end and I’ve been surfing LinkedIn for my next career challenge. I’ll manage. I mean have you ever received a...
FBI agents swarmed a McDonald’s in Los Angeles and arrested an alleged suicide bomber linked to the Syria-based Nusra Front on Wednesday. The Lebanese daily Al-Pharteen identified the accused martyr in the making as 42-year-old Awan Boudi, a resident of the southern Lebanese village of Jezzine. “The Feds slapped me so hard, they broke my mother’s nose,” Boudi told his court-appointed...
The Islamic Republic of Iran has filed a draft resolution in favor of removing the ‘question mark’ from all official UN documents. “We feel good about our chances,” Iran’s Deputy Foreign Minister Babak Zardooz was quoted as saying. “If the Western powers are forced to stop asking questions, Iran will gladly sign a framework agreement pertaining to our completely civilian nuclear program,”...
Shlomi Bezalel, a licensed private tour guide, tricked 75 Israeli tourists into thinking that they were visiting Cairo. In fact, the group never left Israel. “This was supposed to be a romantic getaway with my girlfriend. I became suspicious when I saw my wife waddling on the banks of the ‘Nile River’. What luck: that bitch has left her bedroom exactly...
An up and coming adult film actress living in Hollywood, California is stirring fierce debate in the land of her birth, causing a rift among social media users in the Islamic Republic of Iran. “This is an important dialogue that the Iranian people are conducting,” said porn star Afrooz Ahmadi on the set of her latest movie ‘Transsexuals: Age of...
Recently leaked correspondence between Saddam Hussein and his henchmen suggest that the late Iraqi dictator had a serious crush on Israel, a country he terrorized with SCUD missiles and whose enemies he publicly supported for decades. “I wish I knew how to quit her. So petite, with that perfect, slim waist and sparkling personality. Israel is just this side of...
The Islamic Republic of Iran is following up its signing of a historic framework deal with the West by reaching out to millions of school-aged children to help build the country’s nuclear infrastructure. “We’re street-legal, baby! But now that we’re in the clear, we have to hustle. Once the Western powers discover the plutonium plant we built underneath an ice skating...
