Cliff Magnum was born on an Australian mountain range for no reason in particular. Magnum migrated to California in 1991, having earned a full scholarship to UC Berkeley. With a bachelor's degree in Celtic Studies and an M.A. in Classical Archeology, Magnum was frequently unemployed for several years following graduation. Magnum was able to leave behind a promising career as a pet food taster when his first book, "The Defrocked Priest Wears Daisy Dukes," became an international bestseller. Magnum then branched out, penning critically acclaimed yet largely ignored books of erotic haikus, Blaxploitation fantasy, postmodern Norse mythology and surrealistic Westerns. Magnum is a frequent contributor to The Israeli Daily and is currently in the middle of his tenth libel, slander and defamation trial.
Responding to growing public outcry over gender inequality in its work place, ISIS’ leadership has voted to allow women the right to participate in all future hangings, burnings, beheadings, stonings and crucifixions. “Finally, change we can believe in!” exulted Amatullah X. “A woman’s role in establishing a global Islamic empire is no less important than a man’s,” the Jihadist added. Since...
A new Zionist conspiracy was confirmed Monday morning when five major movie studios greenlit, simultaneously, the production of ten new films that will promote a decidedly pro-Israeli narrative. “Yeah, we’re all in on it,” Viacom spokesperson Monty Sassoon said at a surprise press conference convened by the five most profitable film companies in the world. “And by the way, you...
With the whirlwind visit of Kim and Kanye in Israel, a possible US-Iran deal, the Russia-Ukraine crisis, and that annoying little problem called Global Warming all currently in full swing, ISIS has responded to being bumped off the trending lists of Google, Twitter and Yahoo! by infusing a dash of color into its normally grainy online offerings: Simpsons yellow, to be precise....
ABC Television announced today that the upcoming season of Celebrity Wife Swap would feature none other than Sarah Netanyahu and Asma al-Assad, two first ladies who will be followed by cameras as they trade homes and families for two weeks. Patricia Lik, Senior VP of Reality at ABC, said, “So what if their husbands accuse each other of war crimes?...
A businessman with close ties to many top Saudi Arabian princes has been actively searching for a doomsday weapon to purchase, on the e-commerce company eBay’s website. “Game on,” Khaled Khalifa – one of the founders of the Saudi banking industry – tweeted over the weekend after the framework for a nuclear deal was reached in Lausanne between Iran and...
A Saudi Arabian scientist has unlocked the secret to creating zero gravity on earth (allowing us to do cool crap like in the image above). If confirmed, the breakthrough could revolutionize space exploration and slash the energy demands of travel and transportation. Al Arabiya reported, “While the Islamic Golden Age’s most lasting contribution to humanity has been the creation of algebra, that...
Indicating a seismic shift in public opinion from just six months ago, a poll conducted by the Palestinian Center for Policy and Survey Research (PSR) in the West Bank and Gaza Strip revealed that close to 80% of Palestinian men want to have sex with at least one Israeli woman. “This doesn’t bode well for the cause of Palestinian independence,”...
En route to offering their condolences following the death of King Abdullah in late January, Prince Charles and British Prime Minister David Cameron inadvertently witnessed a stoning in Riyadh’s Deera Square of over two dozen men and women accused of adultery. “How unfortunate.” the Prince of Wales reportedly remarked when confronted with an example of Saudi Arabia’s violent judicial system....
Following Turkish President Tayyip Erdogan’s claim that Muslims discovered America in the 10th century, ISIS has jumped on the bandwagon, initiating proceedings to establish its right to ownership of the entire continental United States. The Multinational Jihadist Conglomerate of Incorporated Decapitators, commonly known as ISIS, filed papers late last week with the International Court of Justice, seeking redress for one of history’s great-alleged...
A lone, disoriented Canadian pilot has inadvertently joined Saudi Arabia in a bombing run over military installations in Yemen held by Shiite rebels. “I guess I zigged when I should’ve zagged,” Captain Luc Forget said after flipping a bitch midair and returning to base. Forget normally flies sorties over ISIS-held territory in Syria with his wingman, Lieutenant Gordy Furtado. “Gordy had had...
Up until now as confusing as Bashar al-Assad’s wispy moustache, America’s war against ISIS in Syria will soon hone in on who the enemy exactly is by incorporating that most effective weapon of mass distraction: the text message. Rebels of questionable allegiance will be sent this electronic message: “USA: BFF or DOA?” Based on their answers, the White House will...
The Iraqi government has announced plans to build a new capital to the east of the present one, Baghdad. The new city, to be named Shangri Mullah, will be located inside the Iranian capital, Tehran (image above). “The Islamic Republic of Iran fully supports Iraq’s territorial integrity. No threats, promises or bribes were involved in the Iraqi government’s decision to...
Syrian President Bashar Assad has accused his country’s medical professionals of violating their Hippocratic Oath by abandoning the approximately 200,000 men, women and children who have perished since civil war broke out four years ago. “Truth be told, most of the injuries started out as flesh wounds. Had our doctors not up and left their countrymen, the death toll would...
An Iranian government official who publicly responded to Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s address to the US Congress last week by pretending to play the world’s smallest violin has had his hand removed, The Israeli Daily reported. Alborz Javadi, spokesman for Iranian President Hassan Rouhani, noted that whenever the amputation took place, he didn’t feel a thing. “Last thing I remember,...
Footage of a military exercise filmed by Israeli television on Monday shows thousands of soldiers operating hundreds of Iron Dome air defense batteries in an apparent simulated response to an attack by the United States Air Force. “The drill had absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with the rumor that President Obama threatened to shoot down our planes in 2014. Pure...
Azerbaijani lawmakers backed a non-binding resolution on Monday that recognizes Israel’s decision to break off peace negotiations with the Palestinian Authority as legitimate. “These peace talks have been in pre-production since the silent era,” noted Second Deputy Prime Minister of Azerbaijan Ferid Yaakinov. “Simply put: Mahmoud Abbas isn’t delivering a believable performance as Israel’s peace partner. Israel would be crazy...
Senior members of ISIS convened an emergency meeting in response to the long-awaited naming by the United States of its military mission against the Islamic State. The Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Gen. Martin Dempsey, announced that the US-led effort against ISIS in Iraq and Syria would be called Operation Inherent Resolve, after it was decided that Operation “Oh no,...
The Pontifical Swiss Guard of the Holy See stationed at the Vatican in Rome will be redeployed to assist in the battle against Islamic State militants, but will not be involved in combat, the Rome-based daily Il Messagero reported on Wednesday. “Our Teutonic mercenaries were cramping this Argentinian Pope’s style,” noted Mathias Fluck, a young guardsman. “In the Philippines, the Bishop of Rome made us stop the...
A group of displaced persons from Syria who had fled ISIS-controlled territory for the safety of a refugee camp in Lebanon filed a lawsuit on Monday at the International Criminal Court (ICC) against the United Nations Refugee Agency for alleged false advertising. Saif El-Amin, a toothless man from Raqqa, asserts that “The United Nations promised us a place with a...
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has acquiesced to a request from the Obama administration that his March 3 speech to Congress be broadcast with a 30-second delay. White House Assistant Press Secretary C. Robert Smiley said on Thursday “We do not intend to censor Prime Minister Netanyahu’s address, so long as he refrains from articulating certain words and expressions that...
