Cliff Magnum

Cliff Magnum was born on an Australian mountain range for no reason in particular. Magnum migrated to California in 1991, having earned a full scholarship to UC Berkeley. With a bachelor's degree in Celtic Studies and an M.A. in Classical Archeology, Magnum was frequently unemployed for several years following graduation. Magnum was able to leave behind a promising career as a pet food taster when his first book, "The Defrocked Priest Wears Daisy Dukes," became an international bestseller. Magnum then branched out, penning critically acclaimed yet largely ignored books of erotic haikus, Blaxploitation fantasy, postmodern Norse mythology and surrealistic Westerns. Magnum is a frequent contributor to The Israeli Daily and is currently in the middle of his tenth libel, slander and defamation trial.

 

The Khans Get their Own Television Show

The Khans Get their Own Television Show

NBC announced today that Khizr and Ghazala Khan, Donald Trump’s favorite couple, will be getting their own reality program, as part of the fall TV schedule. “Muslim Fear Factor will feature pulse racing stunts that force contestants to face their most primal fear: American Muslims. The Khans have signed on to host what promises to be a fascinating journey deep into the minds of gun-toting, god-fearing, beer-swigging, mad-as-hell Americans: The more butt-hurt by life, the better. We are currently reviewing...

Quotes by Clinton and Trump…but Which Ones Are Real?

Quotes by Clinton and Trump…but Which Ones Are Real?

Hillary Clinton “It’s time for the United States to start thinking of Iraq as a business opportunity.” “Trump says he doesn’t like Assad, but would build a luxury golf course in Syria. Has a presidential candidate ever been this detached from reality? I’ve been in public life for decades and I think the answer is a resounding ‘no’.” “We should pursue a comprehensive counterterrorism strategy, one that embeds our mission against ISIS within a broader struggle against radical jihadism that...

State Department Workers Abandon Review of 15,000 Clinton Emails, Seek Asylum at Saudi Arabian Embassy

State Department Workers Abandon Review of 15,000 Clinton Emails, Seek Asylum at Saudi Arabian Embassy

Dozens of civil servants tasked with analyzing nearly 15,000 emails of previously undisclosed communications from Hillary Clinton’s private server whilst she was Secretary of State have abandoned their posts and sought asylum at the nearby Saudi Arabian embassy. “It was worse than sitting through Zoolander 2. We were told that no one could leave until somebody found something nasty on Clinton. The only reason I became a public employee was to avoid responsibility, work for a boss with low personal...

WikiLeaks Reveals: Mossad Tried to Recruit Michael Phelps

WikiLeaks Reveals: Mossad Tried to Recruit Michael Phelps

WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange claims the organization has obtained thousands of e-mails showing that Israel’s Mossad national intelligence agency has recently made overtures to newly-retired Olympic legend Michael Phelps. During an interview with television host Bill Maher, Assange said; “Our recently decapitated source inside the Israeli government provided us with a treasure trove of information about some of the country’s espionage activities. The documentation proves that Mossad wants Phelps to lead a new top-secret group of ex-Olympians, who will use...

Milan-Based Terrorist Cell Gets Fat on Pasta, Drunk on Wine, Retires

Milan-Based Terrorist Cell Gets Fat on Pasta, Drunk on Wine, Retires

In what may be a turning point in Europe’s war against terrorism, an Islamic State cell operating in Milan has suspended all Jihadi-related activities and apparently retired to the Italian countryside. “After this group was bitch-slapped out of Libya, we feared that Jihadi fighters might sneak onto refugee boats, cross the Mediterranean and launch lone wolf attacks in Italy. However, we have stumbled, ass-backwards, into discovering ISIS’s weaknesses: red wine, pasta, and prostitutes,” Italian Interior Minister Alfonzo Bonanno said. RELATED: ISIS...

Trump Bombshell: “You Got Me: I Have a Black Soul”

Trump Bombshell: “You Got Me: I Have a Black Soul”

In a surprising move Donald Trump has agreed with Khizr Khan, the father of a Muslim US soldier slain in Iraq in 2004, that he has a “black soul”, and lacks basic human empathy. “You got me! This is one thing, besides my freakishly small hands and tax returns, that I’ve been hiding from the American people. I do have a black soul. But not like Khan thinks. I always felt different, growing up in the in the all-white Jamaica...

Ozzy Osborne Seeks Cure for Sex Addiction in Saudi Arabia

Ozzy Osborne Seeks Cure for Sex Addiction in Saudi Arabia

Hard rock legend Ozzy Osborne is relocating to the kingdom of Saudi Arabia in a desperate search for a remedy to his addiction to sex. “Problem is, I have 24/7 access to every flavor of poontang you can imagine. I even hooked up with a chick I met at a polling station during the Brexit vote. That’s when it hit me: I need to move somewhere where women can’t vote,” the former Black Sabbath front man recollected whilst on his...

Donald Trump Accuses Refugee Olympic Team of Stealing his Spotlight

Donald Trump Accuses Refugee Olympic Team of Stealing his Spotlight

Donald Trump condemned the Olympic Refugee Team today as “low-energy cheaters who are in cahoots with lyin’ crooked Hillary Clinton to knock me off the front page.” Following refugee swimmer Yusra Mardini’s 41st place finish in the 100m butterfly preliminary rounds on Saturday, Trump posted on Facebook: “How can someone who came in dead last get so much coverage? New poll just released: I’m surging among tattooed, out-of-work, heat packing Rottweiler owners who have at least two prior drug convictions....

Harry Potter and the Cursed Child Dethrones Mein Kampf as Best Selling Book in Iran

Harry Potter and the Cursed Child Dethrones Mein Kampf as Best Selling Book in Iran

TEHRAN — Within 12 hours of release, Harry Potter and the Cursed Child topped every single best seller list in the world, including that of the Islamic Republic of Iran. “The Iranian people are apeshit for Harry. After we edited out all imperialistic, pornographic, Zionistic, homosexual, anti-Islamic and anti-revolutionary references, we knew we had a monster hit on our hands – and a book that was about three-pages long,” stated Iran’s Minister of Culture and Islamic Guidance, Mahmoud Mahmoudi. In a...

Bernie Sanders Quits Democratic Party, Takes Socialist Revolution on the Road

Bernie Sanders Quits Democratic Party, Takes Socialist Revolution on the Road

Senator Bernie Sanders has quit the Democratic Party and is channeling his political revolution in a new direction: The Middle East. “Like me, Hamas made its name by fighting for socialist values, among others, equal treatment of the poor and fighting the bourgeoisie. But, much like the Democratic Party establishment in the United States, Hamas’s leaders have grown fat and corrupt on the backs of hard working people. Instead of making sure that every martyr has a fair wage, free college...

Syrian President offers Amnesty to Millions of Undocumented Immigrants Living in the U.S.

Syrian President offers Amnesty to Millions of Undocumented Immigrants Living in the U.S.

On Thursday, Syrian President Bashar Assad, offered amnesty to approximately 11 million undocumented workers and their families currently residing in the United States. “More than 4.5 million refugees have fled Syria. My country is emptying out faster than a keg of shitty beer at a frat party. Anyone with a strong back and love for the great outdoors is welcome. While we can’t promise you a house to live in, our tents do come fully equipped with mosquito nets. As for the life...

John Kerry: “Air Conditioners as Big a Threat as ISIS”; ISIS Declares War on ACs

John Kerry: “Air Conditioners as Big a Threat as ISIS”; ISIS Declares War on ACs

WASHINGTON D.C. — Following  Secretary of State John Kerry’s statement that air conditioners are as big a threat to life as we know it as ISIS, the militant group has declared war on all electrical equipment that makes the air inside a building, room, or vehicle colder. “Air conditioners are causing glaciers in the Arctic to melt, sea levels to rise, and Jewish women to breed uncontrollably. We all have to share this planet, preferably with you in our cages. Since Earth has rights too, to live without pollution, we proudly...

Following Mass Attack in Nice, France Declares War on Trucks

Following Mass Attack in Nice, France Declares War on Trucks

Under mounting pressure to increase security since the tragic terrorist attack last week that left 84 people dead, the French government has launched an all-out war on trucks. “When it comes to combating terrorism, we’ve been accused of being as ineffective as Elton John in bed with three Playboy Playmates.   But that stops here as I launch an operation that will allow us to pretend that we’re defeating the terrorists by rounding up and destroying all trucks driven in France,” President...

‘You’re so hot right now!’ Israeli Prime Minister Congratulates Erdogan on Mass Arrests

‘You’re so hot right now!’ Israeli Prime Minister Congratulates Erdogan on Mass Arrests

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has reassured Turkey’s President Recep Erdogan that nothing will break up their epic bromance, even after an attempted coup had sought to remove the Turkish leader from power. “Babe, I hear all the haters throwing shade, calling you a tyrant, a thug who terrorizes Armenians, Kurds, women, and U2 fans. They don’t know how much time and dedication it takes to slowly wring the neck of a democracy until it snaps. Good luck with the...

US Government: Travelers to Mideast Should Dress Like Famous American Muslims

US Government: Travelers to Mideast Should Dress Like Famous American Muslims

At a time when foreigners in Western garb are being targeted for deadly attacks by the Islamic State and other militant groups, the US State Department has advised citizens visiting the Arab World to dress like prominent American Muslims. “All douchebags are urged to stop wearing Crocs, fanny packs, schlumpy t-shirts, baseball caps worn backwards and North Face jackets. You may think you’re fly, but all the terrorists see is a big, fat ‘L’ on your forehead. Pencil neck pricks...

50 Cent to Headline Saudi Arabia’s First Gay Pride Parade to Pay Off Debt

50 Cent to Headline Saudi Arabia’s First Gay Pride Parade to Pay Off Debt

LOS ANGELES — 50 Cent has reached a bankruptcy deal that will require him to pay out $23 million to his creditors over the next five years. In order to help pay that debt, he has confirmed that he will be performing in the first-ever gay pride festival in Saudi Arabia, despite his long history of anti-gay comments, such as (and including remarkable grammar skills, “If you [are] a man and your [sic] over 25 and you don’t eat pu**y...

ISIS to End its Caliphate, Throw Farewell Party at Republican National Convention

ISIS to End its Caliphate, Throw Farewell Party at Republican National Convention

WASHINGTON D.C. — For weeks, rumors have persisted that A-list celebrities might be making an appearance at Donald Trump’s Republican National Convention this summer. Yet while the GOP Convention will not include Mike Tyson, Bruce Wills, or a single Jew, it will feature leaders of the militant group, the Islamic State. ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi said;  “We always get off on messing with Americans. They’re like the dimwitted neighborhood kid whose mother makes him wear a football helmet to...

In Show of Support for Terror Victims, Trump Vows to Build New Golf Course in Istanbul

In Show of Support for Terror Victims, Trump Vows to Build New Golf Course in Istanbul

Presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump saluted the Turkish people after a heinous terror attack at Ataturk airport in Istanbul, which killed 42 people and injured more than 230. “Wherever evil strikes, we will strike back…by constructing a Turnberry golf course. Turkey needs to take back its country, just like the United Kingdom did. Wherever we break ground on a front nine, amazing things happen. I believe that JFK was killed by Ronald McDonald, so why wouldn’t I think that my...

Deleted Clinton E-mails Reveal Secretary of State’s True Feelings about Israel

Deleted Clinton E-mails Reveal Secretary of State’s True Feelings about Israel

Among the new batch of e-mails from Hillary Clinton’s time at the State Department that surfaced today, several depict the presumptive Democratic presidential nominee as hostile towards Israel. “What a shitty little country. I just got off the phone with Netanyahu. Sure, he wants a peace deal with the Palestinians: as long as I get him and the Mrs. tickets to see ‘Kinky Boots’ on Broadway. What’s he smoking?  That show’s sold out forever. Trust me, Saudi Arabia will start allowing...

Palestinian Leader: “Brexit is the Work of Israeli Rabbis”

Palestinian Leader: “Brexit is the Work of Israeli Rabbis”

Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas has asserted that the British vote to leave the European Union is the result of determined efforts by several rabbis in Israel to undermine Continental unity. “Only a week ago, I ran into some Zionists as they were torching olive groves in colonized Palestine. Over several cups of sweet tea, they confessed to me that booting Britain out of Europe was the first step in a phased plan to dominate the world. As we all...