Cliff Magnum

Cliff Magnum was born on an Australian mountain range for no reason in particular. Magnum migrated to California in 1991, having earned a full scholarship to UC Berkeley. With a bachelor's degree in Celtic Studies and an M.A. in Classical Archeology, Magnum was frequently unemployed for several years following graduation. Magnum was able to leave behind a promising career as a pet food taster when his first book, "The Defrocked Priest Wears Daisy Dukes," became an international bestseller. Magnum then branched out, penning critically acclaimed yet largely ignored books of erotic haikus, Blaxploitation fantasy, postmodern Norse mythology and surrealistic Westerns. Magnum is a frequent contributor to The Israeli Daily and is currently in the middle of his tenth libel, slander and defamation trial.

 

ISIS Leader Commits Suicide After Trying to Recruit Two Millennials

ISIS Leader Commits Suicide After Trying to Recruit Two Millennials

Mohammad al-Adnani, the official spokesman of ISIS and one of its most senior members, has died in Syria, reportedly as a result of an online Facebook exchange. “Brother al-Adani suffered a nervous breakdown after trying to recruit a couple of students from Portland, Oregon. Whilst promoting Jihad, his message was drowned out by the snotty little gamers who spend their days throwing a Frisbee, dressing like Superman and singing along to carpool Karaoke. After enduring six hours of whining about...

Iranian President Caught on “Access Tehran”: ‘The Trick is to Fuck Saudi Arabia without Catching Herpes’

Iranian President Caught on “Access Tehran”: ‘The Trick is to Fuck Saudi Arabia without Catching Herpes’

TEHRAN — Iranian President Hassan Rouhani bragged in vulgar terms about his plans to add Saudi Arabia to the Islamic Republic’s list of conquests during a recent conversation caught on a hot microphone. “I moved on Mecca, and I failed. I’ll admit it: Forget furniture, I should have dropped some Spanish Fly in the King’s drink, like we did with that Yemen bitch,” Rouhani is heard saying off camera during an interview with Ali Tushi, of ‘Access Tehran.’ “Next time, I’ll...

ISIS Leader Embraces Democracy after Watching Second Clinton-Trump Debate

ISIS Leader Embraces Democracy after Watching Second Clinton-Trump Debate

Abu bakr al-Baghdadi, CEO of the Islamic State, was so enthralled by the 90-minute presidential town hall debate that he has ordered his leadership to make a drastic change in how the organization conducts its worldwide Jihad campaign. “Starting today, we will conquer by lying, threatening, spreading vicious rumors and slinging unprecedented amounts of filth at our opponents. That should do the trick. Our internal polling consistently shows that beheading, hanging, raping and other enhanced persuasion techniques simply aren’t connecting...

Former Israeli President’s Appearance in Heaven Greeted with Protest by Martyred Islamists

Former Israeli President’s Appearance in Heaven Greeted with Protest by Martyred Islamists

PEARLY GATES – According to alarming new reports, thousands of deceased Islamist militants are rioting across the afterworld as a result of former Israeli President Shimon Peres’ arrival. Hamas fighter Mustafa bin Over, who died in early 2016, had this to say: “We don’t want some war criminal in our neighborhood. First, I come up here for the virgins and all I get is eternity next to J. Edgar Hoover and Joan of Arc. Now, they want to let in...

Hamas Legalizes Same Sex Unions in the Gaza Strip

Hamas Legalizes Same Sex Unions in the Gaza Strip

The Hamas government said Friday it will recognize same-sex marriages performed in any of the over 1,000 smuggling tunnels situated along the border between the Gaza Strip and Israel. “Something unexpected and fabulous happened during those long, lonely nights inside those dark, dusty tunnels during last summer’s war,” explained Hamas Justice Minister Abdul-Malik Kassis. “While resisting the usurper Zionist government’s siege against Palestine, those smuggling tunnels became snuggling tunnels,” Kassis elaborated. “After the first couple of weeks of our magnificent struggle against...

Iran Declared a Planet, Israel Approves New Settlement Construction on Pluto

Iran Declared a Planet, Israel Approves New Settlement Construction on Pluto

The International Astronomical Union (IAU) voted to upgrade the Islamic Republic of Iran’s status to that of Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus and Neptune. “Iran fits all the criteria of a planet. First, it orbits around the sun. Second, it’s massive enough for its own gravity to make other countries shrink. Third, Iran is currently clearing the neighborhood around its orbit,” declared IAU President Norio Kaifu. Specifically, Iran has been classified as a gas-giant, similar to Jupiter and other outer planets. “This...

Iran Denies US Navy Harassment Allegations, Claims Patrol Ships Begged for it

Iran Denies US Navy Harassment Allegations, Claims Patrol Ships Begged for it

As the US military continues to accuse the Islamic Republic of harassing US Navy ships in the Persian Gulf, Tehran maintains that American vessels are actually leading Iranian forces on. “These American military officials: their lips say ‘no’ but their ships say ‘yes’,” Iranian Revolutionary Guard Corps Commander Freddie Farhadi asserted. “American patrol ships are the whores of the high seas. You got a bunch of horny sailors, stuck together on a giant tin can, thousands of miles from the...

UC Berkeley Hires Leading Palestinian Religious Leader to Teach Sex Ed. Course

UC Berkeley Hires Leading Palestinian Religious Leader to Teach Sex Ed. Course

University of California, Berkeley has responded proactively to critics who claim that the school trampled on academic freedom when it suspended a Palestinian history class. Administrators have hired prominent Palestinian religious figure Arash al-Rimi to teach a new one-credit Gender Studies course titled ‘Palestine: Getting Laid under the Zionist Jackboot.’ While the ‘Palestine: A Colonial Settler Analysis’ course was subsequently reinstated, “we must do more to obsessively espouse a single viewpoint that makes us feel less shitty about being white,...

Syrian Leader Quietly Seeks Treatment for Guilty Conscience During Brief Ceasefire

Syrian Leader Quietly Seeks Treatment for Guilty Conscience During Brief Ceasefire

A devastating civil war is wreaking havoc on Syrian President Bashar al-Assad’s immune system, forcing him to suspend his campaign to wipe out any possibility of democracy and seek urgent medical care. “It began with the occasional dizzy spell when government helicopters were dropping barrel bombs on schools, hospitals, old age homes and other critical military targets. But nowadays, he can’t even drive by a mass grave without blowing chunks,” the Syrian leader’s personal physician Dr. Amir Samir Bin Toma...

ISIS Leader Apologizes for Plagiarizing Obama Speech

ISIS Leader Apologizes for Plagiarizing Obama Speech

Islamic State leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi apologized Saturday for plagiarizing President Barack Obama’s 2008 victory speech saying that he has already punished those responsible. “First, I find out that our speech writer, my sister’s husband Grabbir Bouby, is screwing my half-brother Sahib al-Suq. Then it’s brought to my attention that his replacement, my brother Muhammad’s boy, is dyslexic. Who’s doing the hiring around here?” the ISIS leader stated on Monday. “So, after beheading the perverted penmen as well as burning...

Abbas Agrees to Talks with Netanyahu in Russia, Dr. Phil to Moderate

Abbas Agrees to Talks with Netanyahu in Russia, Dr. Phil to Moderate

Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas has agreed to meet with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu in Moscow, with television personality Dr. Phil McGraw to serve as U.S. Special Envoy for the negotiations. “Let’s get real. The Middle East is one giant clusterfuck. Well, the doctor is in the house and I will lock eyeballs with Netanyahu and Abbas and won’t let them leave my sight until each one understands what their personal truth is,” Dr. Phil said whilst on his flight...

ISIS to Implement 30-Hour Work Week

ISIS to Implement 30-Hour Work Week

ISIS has followed Amazon’s lead and launched a pilot program in which a few dozen fighters will engage in only 30 hours of Jihad-making each week. In return, they will receive 75% of their normal quota of sex slaves and retain full health care benefits. “The Islamic State is dedicated to improving its future martyrs’ work-life balance.” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi commented. “Pushing our warriors too hard is leading to some bad habits. For example, there’s a real epidemic...

Assad: It’s the Media, Not Me, That Has Killed 500,000 Syrians

Assad: It’s the Media, Not Me, That Has Killed 500,000 Syrians

Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has accused international news channels of being responsible for the slaughter of hundreds of thousands of Syrians since the civil war broke out in 2011. “Want to end the genocide in Syria? Get the Zionist-controlled media out of my bedroom. All those cameras make me sweat uncontrollably during the day and break out in hives at night. And stop telling everyone that my country’s breaking up. We’re currently in counseling. My man Putin’s a straight shootin’...

Teenager Who Hacked into Iranian Government Website Rewarded with 72 Virgins

Teenager Who Hacked into Iranian Government Website Rewarded with 72 Virgins

A teenager who spent hours between school classes on his laptop, hacking websites belonging to the Iranian government, has been thanked for finding security gaps that could’ve been exploited by Iran’s enemies. 18-year old Atila Fikri was praised by Iranian Defense Minister Hossein Dehghan: “Anti-revolutionary, Zionist-funded, black-hat hackers are attempting to crash our networks. Once, during an all-night security meeting and pajama party with the President and Supreme Leader, I ordered a Veggie Lover’s Pizza online. What did we get instead?...

Turkey Shuts Down Social Media after Spat with Iran over Israel

Turkey Shuts Down Social Media after Spat with Iran over Israel

The Turkish government has blocked Facebook and Twitter after a public dust-up involving the Islamic Republic of Iran, Israel and a slew of attack fans. “Real fans of martial law and mass arrests wouldn’t be throwing shade at my new friends,” Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan tweeted after supporters of his regime got hostile over a picture of him and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu together in a Turkish bathhouse in Istanbul. Erdogan and Netanyahu have been spending a lot of time...

Qatar Buys San Francisco 49ers

Qatar Buys San Francisco 49ers

The Qatar Investment Authority has bought a 51% stake in the San Francisco 49ers, just days after quarterback Colin Kaepernick refused to stand during the US national anthem. “While receiving an amazing Thai massage from a young Filipina girl I purchased on Alibaba.com it hit me: waging Jihad is just like playing football. Both are well funded forms of organized violence punctuated by trash talking that generate big television ratings. So, why not use our expertise in financing a worldwide...

The Khans Get their Own Television Show

The Khans Get their Own Television Show

NBC announced today that Khizr and Ghazala Khan, Donald Trump’s favorite couple, will be getting their own reality program, as part of the fall TV schedule. “Muslim Fear Factor will feature pulse racing stunts that force contestants to face their most primal fear: American Muslims. The Khans have signed on to host what promises to be a fascinating journey deep into the minds of gun-toting, god-fearing, beer-swigging, mad-as-hell Americans: The more butt-hurt by life, the better. We are currently reviewing...

Quotes by Clinton and Trump…but Which Ones Are Real?

Quotes by Clinton and Trump…but Which Ones Are Real?

Hillary Clinton “It’s time for the United States to start thinking of Iraq as a business opportunity.” “Trump says he doesn’t like Assad, but would build a luxury golf course in Syria. Has a presidential candidate ever been this detached from reality? I’ve been in public life for decades and I think the answer is a resounding ‘no’.” “We should pursue a comprehensive counterterrorism strategy, one that embeds our mission against ISIS within a broader struggle against radical jihadism that...

State Department Workers Abandon Review of 15,000 Clinton Emails, Seek Asylum at Saudi Arabian Embassy

State Department Workers Abandon Review of 15,000 Clinton Emails, Seek Asylum at Saudi Arabian Embassy

Dozens of civil servants tasked with analyzing nearly 15,000 emails of previously undisclosed communications from Hillary Clinton’s private server whilst she was Secretary of State have abandoned their posts and sought asylum at the nearby Saudi Arabian embassy. “It was worse than sitting through Zoolander 2. We were told that no one could leave until somebody found something nasty on Clinton. The only reason I became a public employee was to avoid responsibility, work for a boss with low personal...

WikiLeaks Reveals: Mossad Tried to Recruit Michael Phelps

WikiLeaks Reveals: Mossad Tried to Recruit Michael Phelps

WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange claims the organization has obtained thousands of e-mails showing that Israel’s Mossad national intelligence agency has recently made overtures to newly-retired Olympic legend Michael Phelps. During an interview with television host Bill Maher, Assange said; “Our recently decapitated source inside the Israeli government provided us with a treasure trove of information about some of the country’s espionage activities. The documentation proves that Mossad wants Phelps to lead a new top-secret group of ex-Olympians, who will use...