Cliff Magnum

Cliff Magnum was born on an Australian mountain range for no reason in particular. Magnum migrated to California in 1991, having earned a full scholarship to UC Berkeley. With a bachelor's degree in Celtic Studies and an M.A. in Classical Archeology, Magnum was frequently unemployed for several years following graduation. Magnum was able to leave behind a promising career as a pet food taster when his first book, "The Defrocked Priest Wears Daisy Dukes," became an international bestseller. Magnum then branched out, penning critically acclaimed yet largely ignored books of erotic haikus, Blaxploitation fantasy, postmodern Norse mythology and surrealistic Westerns. Magnum is a frequent contributor to The Israeli Daily and is currently in the middle of his tenth libel, slander and defamation trial.

 

Bernie Sanders Quits Democratic Party, Takes Socialist Revolution on the Road

Bernie Sanders Quits Democratic Party, Takes Socialist Revolution on the Road

Senator Bernie Sanders has quit the Democratic Party and is channeling his political revolution in a new direction: The Middle East. “Like me, Hamas made its name by fighting for socialist values, among others, equal treatment of the poor and fighting the bourgeoisie. But, much like the Democratic Party establishment in the United States, Hamas’s leaders have grown fat and corrupt on the backs of hard working people. Instead of making sure that every martyr has a fair wage, free college...

Syrian President offers Amnesty to Millions of Undocumented Immigrants Living in the U.S.

Syrian President offers Amnesty to Millions of Undocumented Immigrants Living in the U.S.

On Thursday, Syrian President Bashar Assad, offered amnesty to approximately 11 million undocumented workers and their families currently residing in the United States. “More than 4.5 million refugees have fled Syria. My country is emptying out faster than a keg of shitty beer at a frat party. Anyone with a strong back and love for the great outdoors is welcome. While we can’t promise you a house to live in, our tents do come fully equipped with mosquito nets. As for the life...

John Kerry: “Air Conditioners as Big a Threat as ISIS”; ISIS Declares War on ACs

John Kerry: “Air Conditioners as Big a Threat as ISIS”; ISIS Declares War on ACs

WASHINGTON D.C. — Following  Secretary of State John Kerry’s statement that air conditioners are as big a threat to life as we know it as ISIS, the militant group has declared war on all electrical equipment that makes the air inside a building, room, or vehicle colder. “Air conditioners are causing glaciers in the Arctic to melt, sea levels to rise, and Jewish women to breed uncontrollably. We all have to share this planet, preferably with you in our cages. Since Earth has rights too, to live without pollution, we proudly...

Following Mass Attack in Nice, France Declares War on Trucks

Following Mass Attack in Nice, France Declares War on Trucks

Under mounting pressure to increase security since the tragic terrorist attack last week that left 84 people dead, the French government has launched an all-out war on trucks. “When it comes to combating terrorism, we’ve been accused of being as ineffective as Elton John in bed with three Playboy Playmates.   But that stops here as I launch an operation that will allow us to pretend that we’re defeating the terrorists by rounding up and destroying all trucks driven in France,” President...

‘You’re so hot right now!’ Israeli Prime Minister Congratulates Erdogan on Mass Arrests

‘You’re so hot right now!’ Israeli Prime Minister Congratulates Erdogan on Mass Arrests

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has reassured Turkey’s President Recep Erdogan that nothing will break up their epic bromance, even after an attempted coup had sought to remove the Turkish leader from power. “Babe, I hear all the haters throwing shade, calling you a tyrant, a thug who terrorizes Armenians, Kurds, women, and U2 fans. They don’t know how much time and dedication it takes to slowly wring the neck of a democracy until it snaps. Good luck with the...

US Government: Travelers to Mideast Should Dress Like Famous American Muslims

US Government: Travelers to Mideast Should Dress Like Famous American Muslims

At a time when foreigners in Western garb are being targeted for deadly attacks by the Islamic State and other militant groups, the US State Department has advised citizens visiting the Arab World to dress like prominent American Muslims. “All douchebags are urged to stop wearing Crocs, fanny packs, schlumpy t-shirts, baseball caps worn backwards and North Face jackets. You may think you’re fly, but all the terrorists see is a big, fat ‘L’ on your forehead. Pencil neck pricks...

50 Cent to Headline Saudi Arabia’s First Gay Pride Parade to Pay Off Debt

50 Cent to Headline Saudi Arabia’s First Gay Pride Parade to Pay Off Debt

LOS ANGELES — 50 Cent has reached a bankruptcy deal that will require him to pay out $23 million to his creditors over the next five years. In order to help pay that debt, he has confirmed that he will be performing in the first-ever gay pride festival in Saudi Arabia, despite his long history of anti-gay comments, such as (and including remarkable grammar skills, “If you [are] a man and your [sic] over 25 and you don’t eat pu**y...

ISIS to End its Caliphate, Throw Farewell Party at Republican National Convention

ISIS to End its Caliphate, Throw Farewell Party at Republican National Convention

WASHINGTON D.C. — For weeks, rumors have persisted that A-list celebrities might be making an appearance at Donald Trump’s Republican National Convention this summer. Yet while the GOP Convention will not include Mike Tyson, Bruce Wills, or a single Jew, it will feature leaders of the militant group, the Islamic State. ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi said;  “We always get off on messing with Americans. They’re like the dimwitted neighborhood kid whose mother makes him wear a football helmet to...

In Show of Support for Terror Victims, Trump Vows to Build New Golf Course in Istanbul

In Show of Support for Terror Victims, Trump Vows to Build New Golf Course in Istanbul

Presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump saluted the Turkish people after a heinous terror attack at Ataturk airport in Istanbul, which killed 42 people and injured more than 230. “Wherever evil strikes, we will strike back…by constructing a Turnberry golf course. Turkey needs to take back its country, just like the United Kingdom did. Wherever we break ground on a front nine, amazing things happen. I believe that JFK was killed by Ronald McDonald, so why wouldn’t I think that my...

Deleted Clinton E-mails Reveal Secretary of State’s True Feelings about Israel

Deleted Clinton E-mails Reveal Secretary of State’s True Feelings about Israel

Among the new batch of e-mails from Hillary Clinton’s time at the State Department that surfaced today, several depict the presumptive Democratic presidential nominee as hostile towards Israel. “What a shitty little country. I just got off the phone with Netanyahu. Sure, he wants a peace deal with the Palestinians: as long as I get him and the Mrs. tickets to see ‘Kinky Boots’ on Broadway. What’s he smoking?  That show’s sold out forever. Trust me, Saudi Arabia will start allowing...

Palestinian Leader: “Brexit is the Work of Israeli Rabbis”

Palestinian Leader: “Brexit is the Work of Israeli Rabbis”

Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas has asserted that the British vote to leave the European Union is the result of determined efforts by several rabbis in Israel to undermine Continental unity. “Only a week ago, I ran into some Zionists as they were torching olive groves in colonized Palestine. Over several cups of sweet tea, they confessed to me that booting Britain out of Europe was the first step in a phased plan to dominate the world. As we all...

ISIS Praises John McCain Following Orlando Shooting Massacre

ISIS Praises John McCain Following Orlando Shooting Massacre

ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has responded to allegations made by Senator John McCain that President Obama was directly responsible for the attack on the Pulse nightclub in Orlando. “Obama? No, the real hero that inspired the slaughter of 49 gay crusader infidels is none other than John McCain. His hatred of everything we represent is intoxicating. I confess to having a bit of a man-crush on the senior Senator from Arizona. He is the wind beneath my wings,” al-Baghdadi said. When...

Al Jazeera America Relocates to Israel, New Staff is All Female

Al Jazeera America Relocates to Israel, New Staff is All Female

The popular Qatari-backed news network has responded aggressively to a multimillion-dollar anti-female, anti-Semitic and anti-American bias lawsuit by moving its headquarters from New York City to Jerusalem and firing its male staffers. “We love women, we love Jews and we love America: just not in Arabic,” network CEO Sheldon Asfour said today. Asfour then outlined how his network has provided hope to American immigrants: “We opened our doors to refugees and outcasts from around the world. Muslim Brotherhood members fleeing...

Iran to Give up Nuclear Program if Israel Helps it Track Down Gays

Iran to Give up Nuclear Program if Israel Helps it Track Down Gays

In response to the historic decision by the United States Supreme Court to legalize same-sex marriages, the Islamic Republic of Iran has allegedly reached out to Israel for advice on how to locate ‘undesirables’. “Ever since America made gay marriage legal, our perverts have been demanding better treatment. Since we don’t officially acknowledge the existence of homosexuals in our country, we’re having a hell of a time smoking them out of their dark holes,” Iran’s Minister of Health and Human...

Following Obama’s Remark, 2016 Presidential Hopefuls Seek to ‘Out-Jew’ One Another

Following Obama’s Remark, 2016 Presidential Hopefuls Seek to ‘Out-Jew’ One Another

President Barack Obama’s claim that he’s “the closest thing to a Jew that has ever sat in this office” has both Republicans and Democrats running for the 2016 presidential nomination scrambling to highlight their Jewish ancestral roots. “I don’t really look like my brother or sister. And though I was raised in a Spanish-speaking home, I was never able to learn the language. Now, it all makes sense. I hereby proclaim that I am in fact the adopted son of prominent...

Top Gun 2 to Be Filmed in Jordan, King Abdullah to Co-Star with Tom Cruise

Top Gun 2 to Be Filmed in Jordan, King Abdullah to Co-Star with Tom Cruise

The long-awaited sequel to Top Gun, the classic 1986 action drama starring Tom Cruise, and ‘green lit’ by Paramount Studios a while back, is scheduled to begin production in early 2016. The location? Jordan, and none other than King Abdullah II will play a prominent role in the film. “Tom is stoked about reprising the role of naval aviator Pete ‘Maverick’ Mitchell. And King Abdullah is a former Cobra Gunship pilot, so it made perfect sense to recast his royal highness as Commander...

Six People Blinded as Hezbollah vs. IDF Snowball Fight Turns Nasty

Six People Blinded as Hezbollah vs. IDF Snowball Fight Turns Nasty

An epic snowball fight between Hezbollah militants and Israel Defense Force soldiers over the weekend has left at least six young men sightless. According to a Hezbollah fighter who took part in the skirmish on the Israeli-Lebanese border, “It was all good natured at first but took a turn for the worse when a bunch of guys from ISIS arrived with metal poles and wooden bats. Next thing I know, one Zionist has me in a bear hug while another...

US Intel Report Adds Fourth Netanyahu Term to List of Terror Threats

US Intel Report Adds Fourth Netanyahu Term to List of Terror Threats

Unbeknownst to many, the 2015 Worldwide Threat Assessment of the US Intelligence Communities, published in late February, includes an electoral victory for Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu’s Likud party. According to Ferris Appleby, the Assistant Director of National Intelligence who delivered the annual report to the United States Senate: “Netanyahu’s nonstop bellyaching about a nuclear holocaust is a major buzzkill. Every time the United States gets ready to hand over the keys to the Middle East to the Islamic Republic of Iran,...

Leaked Tape Reveals Hamas Leader Begging Netanyahu to Invade Gaza

Leaked Tape Reveals Hamas Leader Begging Netanyahu to Invade Gaza

An audio recording of Palestinian Hamas leader in Gaza, Ismail Haniyeh, imploring Israel’s Prime Minister to launch an all-out air, ground, and sea assault on the Gaza Strip has exploded on the Internet. “Benjamin, come on already! ISIS is a thorn in my throat. I’m choking here! Kindly have your military unleash a fresh wave of human suffering on Gaza. You don’t even have to ‘knock on roofs’. Come for as long as you like. We’ll even leave the light on for ya,”...

Ex-Generals Tell United Nations: Israelis Have Great Wartime Sex

Ex-Generals Tell United Nations: Israelis Have Great Wartime Sex

A multi-national group of former senior military leaders released its findings, partly based on Dr. Ruth’s expert advice, that during the last Gaza War in 2014, “Israelis not only met the reasonable international standard of having regular sex, but in many cases exceeded that standard.” “Increased military operations into Gaza over the last few years have thrown young Israeli soldiers into close quarters more frequently. As a result, sexual encounters have skyrocketed over the last decade,” delegation leader General Klaus Naumann...