Cliff Magnum

Cliff Magnum was born on an Australian mountain range for no reason in particular. Magnum migrated to California in 1991, having earned a full scholarship to UC Berkeley. With a bachelor's degree in Celtic Studies and an M.A. in Classical Archeology, Magnum was frequently unemployed for several years following graduation. Magnum was able to leave behind a promising career as a pet food taster when his first book, "The Defrocked Priest Wears Daisy Dukes," became an international bestseller. Magnum then branched out, penning critically acclaimed yet largely ignored books of erotic haikus, Blaxploitation fantasy, postmodern Norse mythology and surrealistic Westerns. Magnum is a frequent contributor to The Israeli Daily and is currently in the middle of his tenth libel, slander and defamation trial.

 

Iran Denies US Navy Harassment Allegations, Claims Patrol Ships Begged for it

Iran Denies US Navy Harassment Allegations, Claims Patrol Ships Begged for it

As the US military continues to accuse the Islamic Republic of harassing US Navy ships in the Persian Gulf, Tehran maintains that American vessels are actually leading Iranian forces on. “These American military officials: their lips say ‘no’ but their ships say ‘yes’,” Iranian Revolutionary Guard Corps Commander Freddie Farhadi asserted. “American patrol ships are the whores of the high seas. You got a bunch of horny sailors, stuck together on a giant tin can, thousands of miles from the...

UC Berkeley Hires Leading Palestinian Religious Leader to Teach Sex Ed. Course

UC Berkeley Hires Leading Palestinian Religious Leader to Teach Sex Ed. Course

University of California, Berkeley has responded proactively to critics who claim that the school trampled on academic freedom when it suspended a Palestinian history class. Administrators have hired prominent Palestinian religious figure Arash al-Rimi to teach a new one-credit Gender Studies course titled ‘Palestine: Getting Laid under the Zionist Jackboot.’ While the ‘Palestine: A Colonial Settler Analysis’ course was subsequently reinstated, “we must do more to obsessively espouse a single viewpoint that makes us feel less shitty about being white,...

Syrian Leader Quietly Seeks Treatment for Guilty Conscience During Brief Ceasefire

Syrian Leader Quietly Seeks Treatment for Guilty Conscience During Brief Ceasefire

A devastating civil war is wreaking havoc on Syrian President Bashar al-Assad’s immune system, forcing him to suspend his campaign to wipe out any possibility of democracy and seek urgent medical care. “It began with the occasional dizzy spell when government helicopters were dropping barrel bombs on schools, hospitals, old age homes and other critical military targets. But nowadays, he can’t even drive by a mass grave without blowing chunks,” the Syrian leader’s personal physician Dr. Amir Samir Bin Toma...

ISIS Leader Apologizes for Plagiarizing Obama Speech

ISIS Leader Apologizes for Plagiarizing Obama Speech

Islamic State leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi apologized Saturday for plagiarizing President Barack Obama’s 2008 victory speech saying that he has already punished those responsible. “First, I find out that our speech writer, my sister’s husband Grabbir Bouby, is screwing my half-brother Sahib al-Suq. Then it’s brought to my attention that his replacement, my brother Muhammad’s boy, is dyslexic. Who’s doing the hiring around here?” the ISIS leader stated on Monday. “So, after beheading the perverted penmen as well as burning...

Abbas Agrees to Talks with Netanyahu in Russia, Dr. Phil to Moderate

Abbas Agrees to Talks with Netanyahu in Russia, Dr. Phil to Moderate

Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas has agreed to meet with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu in Moscow, with television personality Dr. Phil McGraw to serve as U.S. Special Envoy for the negotiations. “Let’s get real. The Middle East is one giant clusterfuck. Well, the doctor is in the house and I will lock eyeballs with Netanyahu and Abbas and won’t let them leave my sight until each one understands what their personal truth is,” Dr. Phil said whilst on his flight...

ISIS to Implement 30-Hour Work Week

ISIS to Implement 30-Hour Work Week

ISIS has followed Amazon’s lead and launched a pilot program in which a few dozen fighters will engage in only 30 hours of Jihad-making each week. In return, they will receive 75% of their normal quota of sex slaves and retain full health care benefits. “The Islamic State is dedicated to improving its future martyrs’ work-life balance.” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi commented. “Pushing our warriors too hard is leading to some bad habits. For example, there’s a real epidemic...

Assad: It’s the Media, Not Me, That Has Killed 500,000 Syrians

Assad: It’s the Media, Not Me, That Has Killed 500,000 Syrians

Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has accused international news channels of being responsible for the slaughter of hundreds of thousands of Syrians since the civil war broke out in 2011. “Want to end the genocide in Syria? Get the Zionist-controlled media out of my bedroom. All those cameras make me sweat uncontrollably during the day and break out in hives at night. And stop telling everyone that my country’s breaking up. We’re currently in counseling. My man Putin’s a straight shootin’...

Teenager Who Hacked into Iranian Government Website Rewarded with 72 Virgins

Teenager Who Hacked into Iranian Government Website Rewarded with 72 Virgins

A teenager who spent hours between school classes on his laptop, hacking websites belonging to the Iranian government, has been thanked for finding security gaps that could’ve been exploited by Iran’s enemies. 18-year old Atila Fikri was praised by Iranian Defense Minister Hossein Dehghan: “Anti-revolutionary, Zionist-funded, black-hat hackers are attempting to crash our networks. Once, during an all-night security meeting and pajama party with the President and Supreme Leader, I ordered a Veggie Lover’s Pizza online. What did we get instead?...

ISIS Leader Commits Suicide After Trying to Recruit Two Millennials

ISIS Leader Commits Suicide After Trying to Recruit Two Millennials

Mohammad al-Adnani, the official spokesman of ISIS and one of its most senior members, has died in Syria, reportedly as a result of an online Facebook exchange. “Brother al-Adani suffered a nervous breakdown after trying to recruit a couple of students from Portland, Oregon. Whilst promoting Jihad, his message was drowned out by the snotty little gamers who spend their days throwing a Frisbee, dressing like Superman and singing along to carpool Karaoke. After enduring six hours of whining about...

Turkey Shuts Down Social Media after Spat with Iran over Israel

Turkey Shuts Down Social Media after Spat with Iran over Israel

The Turkish government has blocked Facebook and Twitter after a public dust-up involving the Islamic Republic of Iran, Israel and a slew of attack fans. “Real fans of martial law and mass arrests wouldn’t be throwing shade at my new friends,” Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan tweeted after supporters of his regime got hostile over a picture of him and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu together in a Turkish bathhouse in Istanbul. Erdogan and Netanyahu have been spending a lot of time...

Qatar Buys San Francisco 49ers

Qatar Buys San Francisco 49ers

The Qatar Investment Authority has bought a 51% stake in the San Francisco 49ers, just days after quarterback Colin Kaepernick refused to stand during the US national anthem. “While receiving an amazing Thai massage from a young Filipina girl I purchased on Alibaba.com it hit me: waging Jihad is just like playing football. Both are well funded forms of organized violence punctuated by trash talking that generate big television ratings. So, why not use our expertise in financing a worldwide...

The Khans Get their Own Television Show

The Khans Get their Own Television Show

NBC announced today that Khizr and Ghazala Khan, Donald Trump’s favorite couple, will be getting their own reality program, as part of the fall TV schedule. “Muslim Fear Factor will feature pulse racing stunts that force contestants to face their most primal fear: American Muslims. The Khans have signed on to host what promises to be a fascinating journey deep into the minds of gun-toting, god-fearing, beer-swigging, mad-as-hell Americans: The more butt-hurt by life, the better. We are currently reviewing...

Quotes by Clinton and Trump…but Which Ones Are Real?

Quotes by Clinton and Trump…but Which Ones Are Real?

Hillary Clinton “It’s time for the United States to start thinking of Iraq as a business opportunity.” “Trump says he doesn’t like Assad, but would build a luxury golf course in Syria. Has a presidential candidate ever been this detached from reality? I’ve been in public life for decades and I think the answer is a resounding ‘no’.” “We should pursue a comprehensive counterterrorism strategy, one that embeds our mission against ISIS within a broader struggle against radical jihadism that...

State Department Workers Abandon Review of 15,000 Clinton Emails, Seek Asylum at Saudi Arabian Embassy

State Department Workers Abandon Review of 15,000 Clinton Emails, Seek Asylum at Saudi Arabian Embassy

Dozens of civil servants tasked with analyzing nearly 15,000 emails of previously undisclosed communications from Hillary Clinton’s private server whilst she was Secretary of State have abandoned their posts and sought asylum at the nearby Saudi Arabian embassy. “It was worse than sitting through Zoolander 2. We were told that no one could leave until somebody found something nasty on Clinton. The only reason I became a public employee was to avoid responsibility, work for a boss with low personal...

WikiLeaks Reveals: Mossad Tried to Recruit Michael Phelps

WikiLeaks Reveals: Mossad Tried to Recruit Michael Phelps

WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange claims the organization has obtained thousands of e-mails showing that Israel’s Mossad national intelligence agency has recently made overtures to newly-retired Olympic legend Michael Phelps. During an interview with television host Bill Maher, Assange said; “Our recently decapitated source inside the Israeli government provided us with a treasure trove of information about some of the country’s espionage activities. The documentation proves that Mossad wants Phelps to lead a new top-secret group of ex-Olympians, who will use...

Milan-Based Terrorist Cell Gets Fat on Pasta, Drunk on Wine, Retires

Milan-Based Terrorist Cell Gets Fat on Pasta, Drunk on Wine, Retires

In what may be a turning point in Europe’s war against terrorism, an Islamic State cell operating in Milan has suspended all Jihadi-related activities and apparently retired to the Italian countryside. “After this group was bitch-slapped out of Libya, we feared that Jihadi fighters might sneak onto refugee boats, cross the Mediterranean and launch lone wolf attacks in Italy. However, we have stumbled, ass-backwards, into discovering ISIS’s weaknesses: red wine, pasta, and prostitutes,” Italian Interior Minister Alfonzo Bonanno said. RELATED: ISIS...

Trump Bombshell: “You Got Me: I Have a Black Soul”

Trump Bombshell: “You Got Me: I Have a Black Soul”

In a surprising move Donald Trump has agreed with Khizr Khan, the father of a Muslim US soldier slain in Iraq in 2004, that he has a “black soul”, and lacks basic human empathy. “You got me! This is one thing, besides my freakishly small hands and tax returns, that I’ve been hiding from the American people. I do have a black soul. But not like Khan thinks. I always felt different, growing up in the in the all-white Jamaica...

Ozzy Osborne Seeks Cure for Sex Addiction in Saudi Arabia

Ozzy Osborne Seeks Cure for Sex Addiction in Saudi Arabia

Hard rock legend Ozzy Osborne is relocating to the kingdom of Saudi Arabia in a desperate search for a remedy to his addiction to sex. “Problem is, I have 24/7 access to every flavor of poontang you can imagine. I even hooked up with a chick I met at a polling station during the Brexit vote. That’s when it hit me: I need to move somewhere where women can’t vote,” the former Black Sabbath front man recollected whilst on his...

Donald Trump Accuses Refugee Olympic Team of Stealing his Spotlight

Donald Trump Accuses Refugee Olympic Team of Stealing his Spotlight

Donald Trump condemned the Olympic Refugee Team today as “low-energy cheaters who are in cahoots with lyin’ crooked Hillary Clinton to knock me off the front page.” Following refugee swimmer Yusra Mardini’s 41st place finish in the 100m butterfly preliminary rounds on Saturday, Trump posted on Facebook: “How can someone who came in dead last get so much coverage? New poll just released: I’m surging among tattooed, out-of-work, heat packing Rottweiler owners who have at least two prior drug convictions....

Harry Potter and the Cursed Child Dethrones Mein Kampf as Best Selling Book in Iran

Harry Potter and the Cursed Child Dethrones Mein Kampf as Best Selling Book in Iran

TEHRAN — Within 12 hours of release, Harry Potter and the Cursed Child topped every single best seller list in the world, including that of the Islamic Republic of Iran. “The Iranian people are apeshit for Harry. After we edited out all imperialistic, pornographic, Zionistic, homosexual, anti-Islamic and anti-revolutionary references, we knew we had a monster hit on our hands – and a book that was about three-pages long,” stated Iran’s Minister of Culture and Islamic Guidance, Mahmoud Mahmoudi. In a...