President of Turkey Shocked to Learn Most Americans Already Know About Genocide Against Native Americans

President of Turkey Shocked to Learn Most Americans Already Know About Genocide Against Native Americans

At a press conference called to condemn Pope Francis for saying that Turkey did ‘you know what to you know who,’ Turkish President Recep Erdogan was surprised to learn that most Americans know of their nation’s genocide against millions of Native American. A reporter questioned Erdogan about the Turks continual refusal to accept their intentional killing of 1.5 million Armenians during WWI, through mass deportation, starvation, and outright murder. An angry Erdogan responded, “You are ignorant to make such a...

Iran’s Supreme Leader Worried Obama’s “Getting Kind of Stalkery”

Iran’s Supreme Leader Worried Obama’s “Getting Kind of Stalkery”

A shaken Ayatollah Ali Khamenei today came to the local UN police precinct to report his fear that President Obama is “getting kind of stalkery.” When questioned, Khamenei admitted his concern that he might have led the President on. “Back in 2009, Obama sent me a letter. I was flattered: he’s young, handsome, and has the whole ‘hope’ thing going. Can you imagine him interested in an old guy like me?” Describing his response letter Khamenei insisted that he’s ‘no...

Obama in Crash Three-Day Conversion Program to Become Jewish

Obama in Crash Three-Day Conversion Program to Become Jewish

The Deputy White House Spokesman today announced that President Obama has cleared his schedule for a crash three-day conversion course to join the Jewish People. After a Monday Mikvah dip (an oddly pleasant Jewish bath ritual), Obama will immediately depart for a brief visit to Israel. Asked why Obama was making this unprecedented move, the spokesman appeared unsure. “Well, the President has always felt a deep connection with the Jewish People…you know that stuff they believe…and those fish ball stuff...

French Fries Finally Return to Washington D.C.

French Fries Finally Return to Washington D.C.

In a nod to France’s new military activism legislators on Capitol Hill are to vote to reinstate the qualifier ‘French’ in front of the fries on all menus across Washington. Speaking to The Israeli Daily a congressional staffer said that a bill would be introduced to the House in the next week. “We are hoping to acknowledge French support for the current operations against ISIS and the work they’ve been doing in sub-Saharan Africa,” the Democratic staffer stated. “They’ve been...

Ba’al leaves retirement to re-assert sovereignty over Canaan

Ba’al leaves retirement to re-assert sovereignty over Canaan

Ba’al, the master deity and supreme sky lord of the ancient Near East has decided to re-assert his authority over the peoples of modern day Israel. After retiring to Florida nearly 2,000 years ago, Ba’al has stated that his successors, Yahweh and Allah have “totally fucked shit up,” and have left him with no other choice than to return to his former job. Although he spent much of his time in retirement painting landscapes, Ba’al has admitted in an exclusive...

Report: Friend Who Moved to Israel a Year Ago Still Smug About It

Report: Friend Who Moved to Israel a Year Ago Still Smug About It

Sources report that your friend who immigrated to Israel last year is still super smug about it. They continue to update Facebook constantly, with pictures of normal stuff; trees, smiling people, beaches, sunsets, and add the qualifier: “Only in Israel!” You are rightfully confused, because as far as you know, all those things exist in other places too. You’re pretty sure that sunsets even happen on other planets. RELATED: New Israeli immigrants realize they’ve made a huge mistake Another one of...

Israeli Tour Guide Fools Israelis into Believing They’re in Egypt

Israeli Tour Guide Fools Israelis into Believing They’re in Egypt

Shlomi Bezalel, a licensed private tour guide, tricked 75 Israeli tourists into thinking that they were visiting Cairo. In fact, the group never left Israel. “This was supposed to be a romantic getaway with my girlfriend. I became suspicious when I saw my wife waddling on the banks of the ‘Nile River’. What luck: that bitch has left her bedroom exactly five times since Dallas went off the air. Turns out, we were actually at a lake near our apartment building...

Tourists still visiting Israel not the types of people you would want to holiday with

Tourists still visiting Israel not the types of people you would want to holiday with

In a touching sign of support for the embattled nation and with clear indications of “something just being a bit wrong with them” tourists are still flocking to Israel. Whether it’s to enjoy the rocket filled skies in the south or the all-year-long seething religious tension in Jerusalem, there is something for everyone’s budget. Tour operator David Binglebloom said “it’s turning into a bumper year. It’s not just the fruit loops from those straight-edged American states wanting to meet Jesus and...

Iranian-Born Porn Star Ignites Controversy Back Home

Iranian-Born Porn Star Ignites Controversy Back Home

An up and coming adult film actress living in Hollywood, California is stirring fierce debate in the land of her birth, causing a rift among social media users in the Islamic Republic of Iran. “This is an important dialogue that the Iranian people are conducting,” said porn star Afrooz Ahmadi on the set of her latest movie ‘Transsexuals: Age of Confusion'”. Ahmadi, 21, recently became the most searched for erotic entertainer on adult movie site Porn Hub, prompting a mix...

“Psyche! We never wanted a bomb”, says Iran

“Psyche! We never wanted a bomb”, says Iran

An Iranian whistle blower, probably working for Mossad, has told The Israeli Daily that the Islamic Republic’s attempts to obtain nuclear power and weapons is just a smokescreen for the nation’s way to pick the next Supreme Nutter. The rules state that budding Ayatollahs and other crazies have to come up with the most outrageous statements without hindering peace talks. The leading contender so far has been the military who got away with ‘Death to America’ without anyone, anywhere thinking that...

Anti-Zionists: Hitler against Circumcision not Jews

Anti-Zionists: Hitler against Circumcision not Jews

The anti-Zionist Lobby have claimed they, just like Adolf Hitler, are not anti-Semitic and that both they and Hitler’s chief targets are coincidentally Jews. In a hard hitting interview with The Mideast Beast, the head of a coalition of groups contradictory in every one of their values except being against Israel, claimed Hitler was not against Jews but had legitimate concerns about circumcision. RELATED: Urban Outfitters Unveils New “I watched the Nazis murder my family, and all I got was this...

Israel Searches for Star to Outshine Mia Khalifa

Israel Searches for Star to Outshine Mia Khalifa

Naftali Bennett, leader of The Jewish Home party and the balding hunk in the above photograph, has called for a search for a star in the Jewish State after pictures and tweets of Middle Eastern porn star Mia Khalifa, born in neighbouring Lebanon, briefly topped social media searches last week. Twenty One year old Khalifa’s claim to fame was that she had managed to become the top searched actress on popular internet site Porn Hub, with some 1.5 million views. The...

Forget Food Stamps, Gwyneth Paltrow Takes On Middle East Challenge

Forget Food Stamps, Gwyneth Paltrow Takes On Middle East Challenge

This month, actress Gwyneth Paltrow made headlines for being skinny and blonde and also for taking on the Food Stamps Challenge, in which bored and out-of-touch celebrities try and live on the weekly food stamps budget of $29. After blowing her budget on kale and limes, Gwyneth had to quit the challenge early. (But, to be fair, eating kale would be hard even for starving African kids). Hoping to redeem herself/gain more publicity, Gwyneth will now be taking on the fun...

Israel to Install ‘Applause-O-Meter’ in Gaza to Gauge Severity of Terror Attacks

Israel to Install ‘Applause-O-Meter’ in Gaza to Gauge Severity of Terror Attacks

Israel has announced plans to install the Applause-O-Meter in the neighboring Gaza Strip. “Immediately following attacks in Israel, the Gaza Strip always erupts in celebration,” we were told by the IDF officer behind the project, Avner Benrimon. “There’s singing, dancing, clapping, treats, and general merriment. I just had the idea to take advantage of these activities.” The idea is to gain the ability to immediately assess the severity of a terror attack by reading the registered level of the Applause-O-Meter in...

New WikiLeaks Documents Reveal Saddam Hussein’s Love for Israel

New WikiLeaks Documents Reveal Saddam Hussein’s Love for Israel

Recently leaked correspondence between Saddam Hussein and his henchmen suggest that the late Iraqi dictator had a serious crush on Israel, a country he terrorized with SCUD missiles and whose enemies he publicly supported for decades. “I wish I knew how to quit her. So petite, with that perfect, slim waist and sparkling personality. Israel is just this side of irresistible! Thanks for letting me vent, cousin. By the way, how many Kurds did we gas yesterday? I need some...

UN Condemns Israeli Aggression After Mistaking Memorial Day Siren for Rocket Alert

UN Condemns Israeli Aggression After Mistaking Memorial Day Siren for Rocket Alert

UN sources acknowledged today that a resolution condemning Israel for genocide was passed due to confusion caused by a siren sounded in Tel Aviv to commemorate Israel’s Memorial Day. “We heard that there were sirens in Tel Aviv and just assumed Hamas had launched rockets, so we decided to pass a resolution condemning the Israeli aggression,” a UN official told The Mideast Beast. “To be honest, we had the resolution in the hopper and ready to go since the ceasefire...

Iranian State Media Wins Pulitzer for Gaza War Coverage

Iranian State Media Wins Pulitzer for Gaza War Coverage

Press TV, Iran’s state-run media arm, was the big winner at the Pulitzer Prize award ceremony, winning multiple honors for its coverage of Israel’s 50-day war with Gaza last summer. The award for investigative reporting went to the network for its account of Israel’s attempt to take down a commercial airplane leaving Gaza City by releasing hundreds of venomous snakes in the flight’s luggage compartment. Press TV also won an editorial award for its exposé on Israel’s practice of sending killer...

Hamas Declares Jihad on Animals in the Jerusalem Zoo

Hamas Declares Jihad on Animals in the Jerusalem Zoo

Hamas has announced an uncharacteristic change in policy. The organization released a statement declaring their usual intent to destroy Israel, but this time, with something a little extra. “The animals living in the Zionist zoo will also be held accountable. They are as guilty of occupying Palestinian land as any big nosed bi-ped. Those meer cats might look cute, but don’t be fooled, they straight up hate all Muslims,” read the statement. The IDF refused to comment directly, only saying...

ISIS Denies Book Burning

ISIS Denies Book Burning

ISIS has denied that it is burning important books despite reports that it removed some 3,000 titles from the Central Library of Mosul a few months back. Speaking exclusively to The Israeli Daily, the groups head librarian, Mustafa Reida, said that books were removed to make way for new acquisitions. “We recently purchased a large collection of new works and the other books have been removed into storage or placed online. There hasn’t been any burning we’re not Nazis.” RELATED: ISIS...

Iran Embarks on Campaign to Recruit 12 Million Truant Middle East Children

Iran Embarks on Campaign to Recruit 12 Million Truant Middle East Children

The Islamic Republic of Iran is following up its signing of a historic framework deal with the West by reaching out to millions of school-aged children to help build the country’s nuclear infrastructure. “We’re street-legal, baby! But now that we’re in the clear, we have to hustle. Once the Western powers discover the plutonium plant we built underneath an ice skating rink in Beirut, we won’t be able to operate so freely,” Iran’s Minister of Education Farzin Fikri said on Thursday....