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Israel Requests That Trump Just Chill the Hell Out
Middle East late comer and all round party nation, Israel, has responded cautiously to the latest tweets from the President-elect that they should “hold on” until 20 January. Approached by reporters as he relaxed poolside, Israel remarked “Is this that orange guy again? He seems really angry, like, all the time. Ok, another UN resolution against the Zionist hunk; I...
Obama Admin: “We Have Proof BDS Orchestrated Netanyahu’s Response to UN Resolution”
The US Ambassador to Israel released a startling press statement today: “We have evidence that the Boycott, Divestment, Sanctions movement (BDS) orchestrated Netanyahu’s response to the passing of the UNSC resolution”. He explained that the administration was puzzled by Netanyahu’s insistence on turning Israel into a pariah state. “Once Netanyahu started calling for reduced ties with 12 states, including China...
Total Middle East Peace Achieved after Settlement Resolution Passed in UN
Following the surprising passage of UNSC resolution 2334, stating that settlements in East Jerusalem and the West Bank are illegal and are a major obstacle to peace, all conflicts have ended and peace has immediately spread to all corners of the previously volatile region. “I had begun to think that we might be disproportionately targeting Israel in the UN, but...
Terrified by Trump’s Twitter Account, the Middle East Prepares for War
Several high-ranking Middle Eastern officials have admitted that a Twitter war may be imminent as the President-elect continues his late-night internet war. Intel suggests that several countries are worried and have begun arming their forces with accounts. A spokesperson for Twitter confirmed that sign-ups in the region have doubled to an astounding 180 since the election. A source said that...
Carter Insists ISIS “Legitimate Political Actor”
With Western governments weighing their response to the meteoric rise of ISIS, former US President Jimmy Carter insisted the self-proclaimed Caliphate be recognized as a “legitimate political actor” and treated as a partner for negotiations. “Now I might not agree with everything they do, but I think we should acknowledge that they took all that territory fair and square,” commented the...
ISIS Regrets Not Keeping More Civilians Alive for Use as Human Shields
Admitting it had been a bit shortsighted to immediately behead its population upon acquiring territory, ISIS leaders lamented that they were on the verge of running out of human shields to protect them from an Iraqi and Western push into Mosul. “When we seized Mosul, we were just so excited, we figured beheading one or two people couldn’t hurt,” recalled...
In Anti-Jihad Op, Santa Blitzes ISIS with Radioactive Reindeer Poop
In a blitzkrieg Christmas Eve mission, Santa Klaus and his squadrons of hooved helpers pounded ISIS positions with atomic reindeer feces, slaying thousands of jihadis and laying waste to much of the terror group’s heavy weaponry. “Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas you satanic pedophiles!” cried Santa as hundreds of nuclear excrement-armed flying sleighs discharged their lethal loads across ISIS-controlled Syria...
Philippine President Named as Honorary Middle Eastern Dictator
Calling him a “role model for leaders throughout the Middle East,” the Arab League voted unanimously to award Philippine President Rodrigo Duterte an honorary position as a Middle Eastern dictator. “From his commitment to extrajudicial killings and disregard for human rights to his honorable homophobia, Mr. Duterte upholds the values of the Arab world’s leadership as well as any of...
Trump’s Real Reason for Delaying Israel Trip: “Too Many Muslims for My Taste”
Donald Trump has revealed that Israel’s “hellishly” large Muslim population and its leader’s “jihad appeasement” convinced him to nix his planned visit there, despite earlier tweeting that he was merely postponing the trip. “After doing my research, I realized just how many ISIS-worshipping Muslims the supposedly ‘Jewish State’ has,” Trump told FOX News. “20%! 20%! That’s like every U.S. Catholic actually...
Netanyahu to Chinese President: Why Can’t Palestinians Be More like Tibetans?
Wikileaks has released a transcript of a controversial phone call in which the leaders of China and Israel discuss their respective policies in Tibet and the Palestinian territories. The leaked 20-minute conversation opens with Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu lavishing praise on Chinese President Xi Jinping: “Your great nation has much to teach us on how to suppress millions of primitives...
President-Elect Regrets Going Back to Intelligence Briefings
WASHINGTON D.C. — President Elect Donald Trump is beginning to wonder whether this was the best day to start receiving intelligence briefings again. 10-minutes into the session he interrupted the CIA officers to comment, “Whoa…is this a special day or something? It’s only been a week since I had to sit through one of these things. I’m, like, a smart...
Putin Appoints Trump as New Ambassador to Turkey
ANKARA — Donald Trump will soon hold a new position in Russian President Vladimir Putin’s administration, as Putin announced that he has re-appointed the U.S. president-elect to replace slain Ambassador to Turkey, Andrey Karlov. “Donald has done [a] very good job as my President of America, but now we need him elsewhere,” Putin told The Mideast Beast. “I know that he...
Trump Appoints Gary Johnson Ambassador to Syria
Calling the former New Mexico governor and Libertarian presidential candidate “one of the smartest, most knowledgeable people in my cabinet,” President-elect Donald Trump announced that he would appoint Gary Johnson as his administration’s next Ambassador to Syria. “Nobody knows more about Syria than Gary Johnson, believe me,” Trump said in a news conference on the appointment. “When I Googled ‘Gary...
Walt Disney’s Epcot Opens ‘Little Israel’
ORLANDO, FL — The Happiest Place On Earth just got a little happier, as Disney announced the opening of Little Israel at Epcot Center this past weekend, just in time for Hanukkah and Christmas. The multinational corporation has carved out some land to represent the Jewish State, providing authentic cultural experiences all staffed by out-of-your-league chicks rocking casually slung assault...
After Picking Goldman Sachs to Run Economy, Trump Offers Clinton Ambassador to Saudi
President-elect Trump has announced he has offered to appoint Hilary Clinton Ambassador to Saudi Arabia, shaking the political world to its core. After the initial astonishment experts have begun reasoning that the pick follows a clear trend in his cabinet selection process. “It is clear Trump is attempting to create a government with the most conflict of interests possible. With...
Russian Foreign Minister Realizes John Kerry Has Been Serious This Whole Time
MOSCOW — Earlier this week Secretary of State John Kerry called on all sides involved in the war to take steps toward finding a political solution to the mass murder in Syria; that’s when it dawned on Russian Foreign minister Sergey Lavrov: John Kerry has been totally fucking serious this entire time. In an interview Lavrov told The Mideast Beast:...
VP Pence Looks to The Middle East for Women’s Rights Issues
Vice President-elect and Planned Parenthood nemesis Mike Pence is doggedly preparing to launch a new platform on women’s rights, viewing the Middle East as a key source of inspiration. “It should be no secret to anyone that I don’t always see eye-to-eye with ISIS or Iran,” Pence began in his yawn-inducing tone. “But when it comes to the treatment of...
Anti-Gay Kentucky Clerk Finds Ample Job Opportunities in Middle East
Kentucky county clerk Kim Davis, who came under fire for refusing to issue marriage certificates to same-sex couples, revealed yesterday that a number of Middle Eastern countries are interested in her services. “After facing so much hate and discrimination from my fellow Americans, it’s a relief to see that there’s one part of the world where my God-given hatred of homosexuality...
Donald Trump Names Michael Bolton as Potential Special Envoy for Middle East Peace
President-Elect Donald Trump announced earlier today that he is considering Michael Bolton as his special envoy for the Middle East Peace process. After the announcement, the question on everyone’s mind is: Doesn’t he mean John Bolton? Special Envoy for Middle East Peace is a position dedicated to bringing an end to the decades-long Israel-Palestinian conflict. John Bolton is a lawyer and diplomat who...
Hamas Legalizes Same Sex Unions in the Gaza Strip
The Hamas government said Friday it will recognize same-sex marriages performed in any of the over 1,000 smuggling tunnels situated along the border between the Gaza Strip and Israel. “Something unexpected and fabulous happened during those long, lonely nights inside those dark, dusty tunnels during the last war,” explained Hamas Justice Minister Abdul-Malik Kassis. “While resisting the usurper Zionist government’s siege against...