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ISIS Leader Desperately Searches for Tape of Trump Peeing on Him
Saying that he cannot believe he misplaced such a valuable item, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has reportedly spent the last 48 hours searching for a VHS tape of President Donald Trump urinating on him. “Why didn’t I keep it in a safe location?” an exasperated al-Baghdadi asked himself while rifling through his drawers. “With this kind of leverage over...
Lesjihadis Seize Saudi Border Region, Proclaim ‘Caliphate of Pussirabia’
NAJRAN – Topless Kalashnikov-wielding militants patrol the streets, searching for pockets of resistance, while other units distribute food and water to thousands of refugees streaming into the fledgling ‘Islamo-feminist Caliphate of Pussirabia’ (‘Kussirabia’ in Arabic). Najran District was an ideal target, says Al-Kus Brigades General Aisha Al-Mahbala. “It’s fertile, and adjacent to Yemen; we have an alliance with the Shi’ite...
To Trump’s Delight, Israel To Replace the U.S. In NATO
Sources have confirmed that Israel will apply for NATO membership later this week, “just to see the look on people’s faces.” We caught up with the playful Zionist troublemaker, as it was preparing the documentation and sipping cocktails at its seaside retreat outside of Tel Aviv. Israel commented, “I’ve got to be honest, with this ceasefire holding with the Palestinians, I’m...
Obama Accidentally Writes Final Tweet as POTUS in Arabic
President Obama’s outgoing communications team refused to comment officially yesterday after the President sent out a final tweet to the American people in Arabic, ‘by accident’. “I fucking knew we shouldn’t have let him loose on social media”, one aide stated off the record, “he’s never forgiven us for taking away his Blackberry.” One pundit from the Democratic Party commented,...
After Commuting Manning’s Sentence, Obama to Resuscitate Bin Laden
After commuting the prison sentence of former army intelligence analyst and WikiLeaks source Chelsea Manning, President Obama announced Tuesday that he planned to also reverse the 2011 killing of former al Qaeda chief Osama bin Laden. “Mr. bin Laden’s 10 years on the run and six years of death are more than enough punishment for his offenses,” Obama said in...
Obama to Finally Intervene in Syria After Assad Signs Controversial ‘Bathroom Law’
WASHINGTON D.C. — With just days left in office, President Obama has reversed course on one of his major policies, deciding to intervene decisively against President Bashar al Assad after the Syrian leader passed a controversial “bathroom bill.” The law, vehemently opposed by Democrats and the Obama administration, would require Syrians to use the bathroom based on the gender listed...
In Response to UN Settlements Resolution, Zionist Moon Base Plans Revealed
In response to the recent United Nations Security Council resolution regarding Israeli settlements, Prime Minister Netanyahu announced Israel will be launching a space expedition from its Palmachim Airbase to find suitable land to build new settlements on. Naturally, the Obama administration condemned the decision without really knowing why but mainly because of a nagging doubt that if Netanyahu wants to do...
Saudi Arabia Finds a Way to Get Rid of Women for an Hour or Two
Last week’s, ‘Women in Society’ conference held in Saudi Arabia was a complete sausage fest. Organizers confirmed it had been as yet another ruse to leave all the women indoors, for ‘some peace and fucking quiet’. A spokesperson for the conference, attended by over 15 Arab countries, told The Mideast Beast, ‘I thought I’d gone deaf for a moment, then...
ISIS Leader Claims Trump Groped Him
MANHATTAN — Saying he had stayed silent for years out of shame, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi accused Donald Trump of groping him and making unwanted sexual advances more than a decade ago. “I was alone with Mr. Trump at a rally against the Iraq war in 2003 when he just grabbed me,” said a tearful al-Baghdadi. “I always blamed myself.”...
Israeli-Palestinian Problem Solved in Comments Section of Facebook Status
After an intense, and sometimes hostile comments exchange, Jason Silverstein and Shlomo Horowitz, two liberal Jews from Long Island, claim to have solved most final status issues at the center of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Negotiations started when Jason posted a status on Facebook, berating Secretary of State John Kerry’s speech on Mideast peace. Shlomo, a liberal whose closest experience with...
Saudi Man Assumes Bad Driver in Car Ahead Must Be Woman, and Then He Remembers…
Local Saudi software engineer, Ibrahim Awad, had a good chuckle to himself on his daily commute after remembering women can’t drive in Saudi Arabia. After a slow-driving white sedan swerved into his lane without signaling, Awad cursed out the driver and quickly assumed, “it’s gotta be a woman”. However, after feeling guilty, Awad berated himself for being so close-minded but...
Syrian President: “Donald Trump’s Obsession with Putin ‘a Bit Much'”
Saying the President-elect has gone overboard in his fawning praise of the Russian dictator, Syrian strongman Bashar al-Assad urged Donald Trump to tone down his constant professions of devotion to Vladimir Putin. “Listen, I love Vladimir too,” noted Assad, who has remained in power due largely to Russian military assistance. “Hell, if not for Putin, I’d probably be dead by...
Donald Trump Declared “America’s First Middle Eastern President”
Hailing the U.S. President-elect’s “strength, wealth and galactic levels of narcissism and sexual predatorism,” Syria’s Bashar al-Assad has crowned Donald J. Trump “the United States of America’s first Middle Eastern President.” “I take great pride in your election,” said al-Assad, according to a transcript of a phone call between the two released online this morning by the Syrian Presidency. “As...
Eyeing Mideast Market, Ivanka Trump Launches High-Tech ‘Pussyguard’ Handbag
NEW YORK – Ivanka Trump has added a anti-groping handbag to her fashion line, calling it “a symbol of my father’s aggressively pro-woman agenda” – and suggesting that foreign aid subsidize its cost for low-income women. “Men will be men, so we ladies must be practical – and, of course, stay stylish,” said America’s First Daughter at the Manhattan launch...
Syrian Cease-Fire: Less “Cease” More “Fire”
Syrian government officials have admitted that they are still grappling with the finer parts of the word ‘cease-fire’, apparently something that was supposed to go into effect. A spokesman admitted, “It’s not that we don’t like the idea in principal. Who doesn’t want to have the time for a nice cup of mint tea without fear of a mortar shell...
Obama on UN Settlement Resolution: “Honestly, I Was Just Too Damn Tired to Vote”
President Obama has finally made an official statement regarding the controversial decision to abstain from voting on the UN’s Settlement Resolution. The President was “Just too damn tired” to get up and vote. He said that when he woke up that morning he thought to himself… “People are going to hate me if I vote yes and others are going...
ISIS Clarifies: ‘We Had Nothing to Do with Mariah Carey’s New Year’s Eve Performance’
Calling it a disaster for which the West has only itself to blame, ISIS issued a statement Sunday morning stating that it bore no responsibility for singer Mariah Carey’s disastrous performance on ABC’s New Year’s Eve event at Times Square. “In the wake of the infidel Mariah Carey’s nakba [catastrophe] last night, we have heard people speculate that we may have...
ISIS Takes Responsibility for 2016
In a YouTube video, where ISIS members were holding up posters of the heads of recently deceased entertainment icons with their eyes gruesomely X’d out, a spokesperson shared that almost everything bad that happened in 2016 was at their command. Stating, “It was hard keeping this to ourselves all year, but we wanted it to be a big New Year’s...
Flushing 2016 Away: The Year When Batshit Crazy Became Reality
From Trump telling Malala that “true heroes don’t get shot in the head” to the brave Muslim women calling for the criminalization of fat white dudes in Speedos, The Mideast Beast’s fearless reporters stopped at nothing to get you 2016’s biggest stories – no matter how unbelievable. Because as we say at TMB, all news is satirical – and if...
Russia Retaliates for US Sanctions by Building Settlements in West Bank
In a response that has dismayed the Obama Administration, Russia has retaliated against the latest round of U.S. sanctions by beginning construction of settlements in the West Bank and East Jerusalem. “No one can stop us from building homes for Russians in Judea and Samaria,” Russian President Vladimir Putin told The Mideast Beast, referring to the biblical names for the West Bank....