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Roger Waters: Zionists Rubbed Their Balls on My New N95 Mask

Roger Waters: Zionists Rubbed Their Balls on My New N95 Mask

Roger Waters claimed recently that members of Israel’s intelligence service, Mossad, broke into his house in order to harass him for his anti-Israel stances. Waters took to YouTube to claim that the Zionist regime was trying to terrorize him by breaking into his home and rubbing their balls on his protective mask. This wouldn’t be the first time that Mossad...

North Korea’s Kim Jong-un Chosen “Sexiest Despot Alive”, Again

North Korea’s Kim Jong-un Chosen “Sexiest Despot Alive”, Again

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un has won the People Magazine’s highly coveted title “Sexiest Despot Alive” once again. Jong-un narrowly missed the competition due to rumors that he faked his death to avoid Trump’s phone calls. “It was a well-deserved victory and the world narrowly avoided World War III”, the obesely hot North Korean dictator told The Mideast Beast. Unsurprisingly,...

Boris Extends VE Day Nostalgia Trip by Offering to Re-incorporate The Middle East into The British Empire

Boris Extends VE Day Nostalgia Trip by Offering to Re-incorporate The Middle East into The British Empire

Last Friday British citizens enjoyed a second of calm and nostalgia amid the Coronavirus crisis as they celebrated the anniversary of Victory in Europe. Never failing to capitalise on national pride, Boris Johnson suggested an extension of last Friday’s 1945-shaped distraction through revitalising what made Britain truly powerful: its empire. Starting with The Middle East. According to sources close to...

New Yorkers Invade Israel, Entire Mideast Placed in Quarantine

New Yorkers Invade Israel, Entire Mideast Placed in Quarantine

Israel is facing an invasion by New York immigrants who could potentially be tested positive for both Jewishness and COVID-19. As a result, the entire Middle East has been placed in self-imposed quarantine. The Jewish Agency, the authority responsible for immigration to Israel, issued grim statistics showing a 50-percentage increase in applications among New Yorkers seeking to move to Israel...

Trump: I Built the China Wall, Corona-Commies Paid for It

Trump: I Built the China Wall, Corona-Commies Paid for It

Seeking to calm Americans, President Trump modestly declared, “The pandemic is history. I built a huge Wall of China and made the corona-commies pay for it.” Trump’s statement comes at a time of strained US-Chinese relations. The Mideast Beast spoke to President Trump in an exclusive interview. “To be honest, the coronavirus assault on America is worse than Pearl Harbor,...

Uptick in UFO Sightings and Cannabis Consumption as COVID-19 Quarantine Continues

Uptick in UFO Sightings and Cannabis Consumption as COVID-19 Quarantine Continues

The Great Coronavirus Quarantine of 2020 has had a variety of side effects. Some have been negative, which was to be expected. For example, a rise in unemployment and domestic violence. Others have been positive, like the massive reduction in carbon emissions and increased sales and consumption of medical cannabis. Since the mandatory lockdown began in countries around the world,...

Sanders Proposes Plan to Restart Economy by September 2032
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Sanders Proposes Plan to Restart Economy by September 2032

US Senator Bernie Sanders proposed a new plan to restart the US economy by September 2032. It is currently in the meltdown phase, suffering from a massive recession as a result of the COVID-19 lockdown. “Look, everyone needs a break,” shouted Sanders in a statement. “Give it 11 or 12 years. We’ll know that the pandemic is over, everyone will...

Kim Admits He Faked Death to Avoid Trump’s Calls

Kim Admits He Faked Death to Avoid Trump’s Calls

A week after appearing in public and ending days of speculation over his possible death, North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un now acknowledges he disappeared to get away from the constant barrage of calls and love letters coming from US President Donald Trump. “Honestly, it was just getting overwhelming,” Kim told The Mideast Beast. “He was constantly calling me, texting...

Polarized Americans Being Urged to ‘Stick to their Bubble”
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Polarized Americans Being Urged to ‘Stick to their Bubble”

As countries throughout the world try to develop an effective strategy for resuming normal operations amidst the COVID-19 Pandemic, the United States continues to be the epicenter for both the disease and the polarization resulting from it. One popular theory is that Americans can reduce their exposure to new diseases and information by keeping within their social “bubble.”  Experts say...

Hezbollah Outlaws ”Jew-Loving” Germany

Hezbollah Outlaws ”Jew-Loving” Germany

Hezbollah, Lebanon’s Jihad Boy Scouts have outlawed “Jew-loving” Germany. The response comes after Germany decided to outlaw all of Hezbollah, including its political wing. Hezbollah, which constitutes an integral part of Lebanon’s government, publicly flogged Germany’s ambassador and promptly expelled him from Lebanon with Iran’s militant Mahan Air, COVID-19’s favorite airline. Hezbollah’s outraged chief Hassan ‘Man-Tits’ Nasrallah spoke to The...

Israel’s Reopening Plan: ‘Treat Everyone Like a Palestinian’

Israel’s Reopening Plan: ‘Treat Everyone Like a Palestinian’

After a month and a half in quarantine, Israel is beginning to reopen. While many countries across the globe struggle to create a new social contract for our collective new reality, it seems Israel has a blueprint at hand. “We are just going to treat all Israeli citizens like we would a Palestinian,” said a high-ranking security official speaking on...

Berkeley Offers Safe Space to Battered Iranian Forces Fleeing Syria
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Berkeley Offers Safe Space to Battered Iranian Forces Fleeing Syria

Berkeley’s City Council has offered “safe space” to Iranian forces in Syria, currently badly battered by “racist Yid Demonic Forces (YDF).” The compassionate move from Berkeley, a world-renowned bastion of cherry-picked human rights causes, comes as Iran reportedly begins pulling out its forces from Syria after repeated Israeli airstrikes on Iranian military bases and Iranian-affiliated militias operating in Syria. Berkeley...

Mossad: “Track and Trace Apps are New?”
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Mossad: “Track and Trace Apps are New?”

Following other governments’ launches of coronavirus “track and trace” apps, Mossad proudly announced this week that they’ve been tracking citizens’ movements for years, for both national security and those ‘just in case’ scenarios. In a testament to the superiority of Israeli intelligence, Mossad claims that their concerns around infectious diseases began at the exact same time as the launch of...

Iran: Al Quds Day Moving Online
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Iran: Al Quds Day Moving Online

Due to the ongoing novel coronavirus pandemic, which has hit Iran especially hard, the country will be cancelling its annual Quds Day demonstrations, which are actually less about Jerusalem and rather a bit more focused on the customary call for Israel’s annihilation. “It was an extremely difficult decision to make,” admitted Ramezan Sharif, spokesman of the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps,...

Iran to Hold First ‘Death to Israel’ Zoom Meeting
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Iran to Hold First ‘Death to Israel’ Zoom Meeting

With the coronavirus preventing large rallies, Iran’s leaders have been forced to cancel this year’s anti-Israel “Quds Day” protests and instead will lead a series of “Death to Israel” and “Death to America” chants via Zoom conference. The rally will feature tens of thousands of Zoom attendees each taking turns calling for death to one of Iran’s eternal enemies. In...

Trump: ‘I am the Second Coming of Christ’
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Trump: ‘I am the Second Coming of Christ’

President Donald Trump recently said that God had spoken to him in a dream and indicated that he had sent the novel Coronavirus for Trump to “prove himself”. “…And then came a Plague, a tremendous Plague, and the World was never to be the same again! But America rose from this death and destruction, always remembering its many dead, and...

George W. Bush Reverses His Policy on “Liberation”
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George W. Bush Reverses His Policy on “Liberation”

In a rare return to the spotlight last weekend, mediocre Texan painter George W Bush urged for unity across political parties in order to effectively combat the coronavirus. This came as a shock to many Iraqi citizens who remember Bush for his previous passion for “liberation.” Despite Bush’s global legacy focusing largely on freeing people from their oppressors whether they...

Scientists Baffled by Coronavirus Cases in Countries without 5G
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Scientists Baffled by Coronavirus Cases in Countries without 5G

In a finding that has stunned epidemiologists and upended medical consensus, researchers have now discovered cases of COVID-19 infection in nations without 5G development. Leading researchers have long believed that the novel coronavirus is caused by waves emitted from 5G cell towers. But in Iran, where there is no 5G infrastructure, satellite images have shown mass graves dug to bury...

Iran: ‘Never Believe Women’

Iran: ‘Never Believe Women’

Iran’s Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei is offering his election expertise to the Democratic Party again, stressing that, while there are never easy answers, you really should never believe women. “I will admit that it’s getting a bit tiring to keep offering the Democratic Party our elections expertise”,  Khamenei told The Mideast Beast. “But Democrats are clearly in over their...

International Criminal Court Accuses Israel of “Killing Pallywood Actor Three Times”
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International Criminal Court Accuses Israel of “Killing Pallywood Actor Three Times”

The International Criminal Court (ICC) accuses Israel of “brutally killing Pallywood’s movie star Mohamed al-Duracell three times.” ICC Chief Prosecutor Fatou Bensouda spoke to The Mideast Beast while finalizing the conclusions of the slightly predetermined probe concerning Israeli crimes. “Killing someone three times is a very serious crime that the ICC does not take lightly. Our human rights loving Saudi...