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ISIS Leader Killed in Black Friday Stampede at Walmart
BLACK FRIDAY — ISIS leader Abu Ibrahim al-Hashimi al-Qurashi’s determination to score a cheap, big flat screen TV proved fatal this holiday weekend, as the Caliph was trampled to death at a Walmart Black Friday sale outside Tallahassee, Florida. Al-Qurashi, who traveled to the United States specifically for the sale, arrived at Walmart to find a long line had already...
Hamas is a “Non-Belieber”, Boycotts Upcoming Tel Aviv Show
GAZA CITY — Hamas, a self-declared non-Belieber, has condemned Justin Bieber’s scheduled Tel Aviv concert as yet another “infidel noise crime”. Hamas’ Cultural Minster Yassin Yallah spoke to The Mideast Beast on Zoom from his subterranean office, conveniently located below Gaza’s main hospital and merely five minutes away from Gaza’s famous Camels & Goats strip club. “This infidel brat Justin...
Breakthrough Seen in Iranian Nuclear Talks as Ayatollah Agrees to Put Pronouns in Twitter Bio
President Biden and Iranian negotiators have reached a major breakthrough in talks to curb Iran’s push towards a nuclear weapon, as Ayatollah Ali Khamenei has agreed to add his pronouns to his Twitter bio. The agreement came after weeks of shuttle diplomacy, with Biden touting the deal as a significant step towards “peace in our time.” “This concession by Mr....
Iran: “Biden is our Favorite Thanksgiving Turkey”
Ahead of renewed nuclear talks with Western powers, Iran’s supreme leader Ayatollah Khamenei praised President Biden as “our favorite Thanksgiving Turkey.” Khamenei spoke to The Mideast Beast about his dream of making the world a better place. “We ayatollahs love Thanksgiving and want to thank the United States of America for our favorite turkey: Joe Biden. The White House dude...
Hamas: “Justin Bieber’s Zionist Concert a Crime Against Sensitive Islamist Ears”
Hamas has condemned Justin Bieber’s scheduled Tel Aviv concert as an “infidel noise crime against sensitive Islamist ears.” Hamas’ Cultural Minster Yassin Yallah spoke to The Mideast Beast on Zoom from his subterranean office, conveniently located below Gaza’s main hospital and merely five minutes away from Gaza’s famous Camels & Goats strip club. “The infidel brat Justin Bieber is the...
ISIS Announces Plot to Cross State Lines
Looking to re-enter relevance in the United States, the Islamic State terrorist group announced that it plans to commit the most horrific crime known to man: crossing state lines. ISIS leaders said they were unaware that traveling from one state to the other was such a heinous offense until they saw scores of journalists, activists, and celebrities calling for Kyle...
ACLU Calls for End to ‘Not Guilty’ Verdicts
Calling the outcome a “tool of white supremacy and oppression,” the American Civil Liberties Union has called for an end to verdicts of “not guilty” in criminal trials. The ACLU’s statement came following the acquittal of Kyle Rittenhouse, who shot three men during a riot in Kenosha, Wisconsin last summer. The ACLU said that the trial had exposed a fatal...
Anti-Semites, Anti-Zionists, and Nazis! Oy Vey! US Jews Flowing into Israel as Safe Haven
Hundreds of Americans have sought refuge in Israel as anti-Semitic and anti-Zionist fervor grows in America. American Jew, James Silverberg, has settled in Tel Aviv. He explained to reporters, “Things are totally crazy back home. On the extreme right, you’ve got these crazy racists screaming, ‘Jews will not replace us!’ And then they turn around and say they admire Israel...
Al Qaeda Chief Unsure Whether to be Grateful That Nobody Knows Who He Is
PESHAWAR — Ayman al-Zawahiri, Al Qaeda head since the death of Osama bin Laden over 10 years ago, is reported to be conflicted emotionally that hardly anybody in the West appears to know who he is. “I’ll be honest, when Osama was killed I was quite looking forward to taking over and getting all the fame and attention I’d craved...
Amnesty Blasts Israel for ‘War Crimes’; Israel’s Feelings Hurt
Following totally expected statements from Amnesty International blasting Israel for ‘war crimes’ – and accusing the 73-year old Zionist badass of ‘callous indifference’ regarding targets in pretty much all wars with Gaza – The Mideast Beast caught up with the Zionist pinup for an exclusive chat. “Look, I can accept that Amnesty thinks I may have been a bit heavy-handed...
Amid Tensions, Biden Sends Harris to Middle East to Solve Sunni-Shia Conflict
Looking to ease tensions with his VP, President Joe Biden announced that he will be sending Vice President Kamala Harris to the Middle East on a very important mission to bring together the Sunni and Shia branches of Islam. The assignment comes amid reports of frustration from the Harris team over the VP’s role in the administration. Biden hopes the...
Looking for More Youthful Candidate, Democrats to Nominate Jimmy Carter in 2024
In an acknowledgement that President Biden has appeared too old for the job as president and that a livelier candidate is needed to keep the White House, the Democratic National Committee announced that 97-year-old former president Jimmy Carter will be the party’s nominee in 2024. The decision came as Biden’s approval rating continues to fall, leading Democratic leaders to ponder...
Looking for More Youthful Candidate, Democrats to Run Jimmy Carter in 2024
In an acknowledgement that President Biden has appeared too old for the job as president and that a livelier candidate is needed to keep the White House, the Democratic National Committee announced that 97-year-old former president Jimmy Carter will be the party’s nominee in 2024. The decision came as Biden’s approval rating continues to fall, leading Democratic leaders to ponder...
Supply Chain Shortage Forces Taliban to Buy Gross Adult Wives
KABUL, AFGHANISTAN – Supply chain issues, which have been taking a toll in countries around the world due to economic woes, worker shortages, and shipping delays, have now hit the wife market in Afghanistan. The shortage is getting so bad, that some Taliban men are even settling for grown, adult women. It’s especially difficult for those men who only have...
God Adds 11th Commandment: ‘Thou Shalt Chill the Fuck Out’
In a surprise announcement, The Almighty One, Blessed Be He, dropped his new commandment without warning this past Friday morning: “Thou Shalt Chill the Fuck Out”. This is the first commandment that the Chief Shepherd has released in thousands of years, but he explained that it has been in the works for some time. When asked what inspired him to...
Porn Brings Israeli and Palestinian Teens Together at Co-Existence Camp
ISRAEL — In turns out that, of all things, porn has helped Israelis and Palestinians find common ground for peace and coexistence. Yona Cohen, a 16-year old from Jerusalem told us, “I was at one of those ‘co-existence’ camps this past summer and I was bored out my mind. I figured I’d just pass the time by watching a little porn...
Disappointed ISIS Members Withdraw Request to Join ‘The Squad’
Some of the most ardent fighters of what’s left of Islamic State recently faced disappointment after realizing that ‘The Squad’ was not at all what they thought it was. They have since withdrawn their request to join. “For a moment, we thought that this so-called ‘Squad’ was pretty cool”, one disappointed IS member noted, while sitting somberly on the last remaining...
Israel Found Guilty
The international community issued firm condemnation of Israel’s recent actions earlier today. An emergency meeting of the United Nations Security Council was convened in order to issue a number of resolutions against the Jewish State. Member states accused Israel of being “inhumane,” and acting with “utter disregard for human life and wellbeing.” Israel has responded to these claims by saying...
Online Study: Anti-Semitism OK as Long as Each Post Starts, Ends With ‘I’m Not Anti-Semitic but…’
A groundbreaking new study about social media has concluded that as long as you begin your posts with “I’m not anti-Semitic or anything but…”, you are free to post whatever you want about Jews or Israel. One of the lead researchers involved in the study, Dr. Shlomi Goldstein, explained that the study originally started a few years back as an...
Baghdadi Still Lonely in Hell as BFF Erdogan Remains Alive
Former ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi is reportedly distraught after learning that Turkish leader Recep Tayyip Erdogan, rumored to be either dead or on death’s doorstep, is in fact alive and unlikely to join the jihadist in Hell for years to come. Baghdadi admitted to feeling lonely and unable to make friends in the underworld and said he had been...