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New Yorker defends Lena Dunham Piece Comparing Jews to Rats
Despite accusations of Jew bashing, New Yorker editor David Remnick insisted today that Lena Dunham’s recent piece, ‘Jews or Rats’, was neither offensive nor insipid. “Through thousands of years, people have compared Jews to vermin,” Remnick explained in a statement. “Lena’s piece should be seen as part of that fine tradition.” Other noted culture critics joined in defending Dunham. “Lena’s...
Exonerated NYPD Cop Hired by Iranian Security Forces
After learning he will not face criminal charges in the US, the NYPD officer captured on video applying a fatal chokehold to an unarmed man this past summer has been hired by the Iranian Revolutionary Guards, the elite military force tasked with maintaining order and protecting the regime domestically. “We were looking for new recruits who would use deadly force...
ISIS: “Muslims Discovered America…And We Want it Back”
Following Turkish President Tayyip Erdogan’s claim that Muslims discovered America in the 10th century, ISIS has jumped on the bandwagon, initiating proceedings to establish its right to ownership of the entire continental United States. The Multinational Jihadist Conglomerate of Incorporated Decapitators, commonly known as ISIS, filed papers late last week with the International Court of Justice, seeking redress for one of history’s great-alleged...
Cuba to Turkey: We’ll See Your Mosque and Raise You One Istanbul
Turkish President, Tayyip Erdogan, in an “explosive announcement” claimed that Muslims discovered America, and not Roman Catholic explorer Christopher Columbus. One Turkish observer at the announcement noted, “According to our dictator, I mean President, sorry about that, brain freeze, ‘Christopher Columbus referred to the presence of a mosque on top of a mountain in Cuba.’” Erdogan, currently in talks with...
Israel Strikes Deal Over Death Quotas
Netanyahu’s is to fly to the European Union’s HQ in Brussels tomorrow morning to discuss an agreement with the anti-Israel lobby on how many Israelis must die in conflicts with terror groups. The quota, which is likely to be too low to satisfy ‘liberals’ whatever the figure, will allow a certain amount of indiscriminate and unprovoked rockets to hit civilian...
“Kosher Sex” to Rival Fifty Shades of Grey at the Box Office
The ordinarily media shy Shmueli Boteach, in a rare interview with the press has revealed to The Israeli Daily (TID) that he has sold the movie rights to Kosher Sex for $18 million. “It wasn’t easy to conclude,” said Boteach whilst updating Twitter with photos of his son’s birthday party, “as Jewish sex does not have the appeal one would think it...
Palestinian Department of Archeology Unveils 1930 Edition of the Palestine Post
In the Israeli-Palestinian conflict over narrative history, the Palestinian Authority sought to score a major win today by unveiling a recently uncovered 1930 edition of the Palestine Post. With Mahmoud Abbas at his side, Department of Archeology Chair Iba bin Digga, explained the finds significance. “We Palestinians struggle to prove our ancient historical connection with our land. The Israelis say...
Not inviting Netanyahu to the White House was ‘easiest decision ever’, says US official
According to one person fairly close to the yoga instructor of a low-level aide to the president, the decision not to invite the Israeli Prime Minister to the White House in March was ‘a really easy one to make’. A few months ago, the House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) made what is known by political pundits as “a bit of a...
Kerry Touts Iranian Agreement Never to Nuke Israel on a Monday, Wednesday, or a Sunday
As proof that his negotiating acumen has succeeded in ‘serious concessions’ from Iran on behalf of Israeli security, Secretary of State John Kerry today revealed the mullahs agreement never to nuke the Jewish state on a Monday, Wednesday or Sunday. “John Kerry understands the serious security concerns of the Israeli people,” Kerry explained, as he spoke about himself in the...
Elders of Zion Admit They’re Having Second Thoughts Over Allowing Obama’s Election
Following President Obama’s increasingly hostile rhetoric towards Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, several members of the Elders of Zion privately told The Israeli Daily that they were having second thoughts about their decision to allow him to be elected to the world’s most powerful office. “We were a little apprehensive about letting a guy with the middle name ‘Hussein’ run...
Exclusive: Obama Just a Tool of Big Pistachio
Speculation abounds as to why President Obama continues to snub one of America’s closest allies in order to close a deal with the Iranian mullahs. Suggestions have ranged from anti-Semitism to just digging oppressive theocracies, or even that it might somehow be Bibi’s fault! As it turns out, the reason is simpler. And it’s nuts. After months of painstaking investigation,...
Kerry Unveils “Musical Chairs” Peace Plan for Jerusalem
Prevented by his swelled head from attending discussions on the Jerusalem crisis, US Secretary of State John Kerry has unveiled his plan to bring peace to the City of Peace. “John Kerry may not be participating in negotiations,” said Kerry, inexplicably speaking in the third-person, “but that doesn’t mean John Kerry has forgotten about you. You’ve said, ‘what would we...
BBC Apologizes for Using Picture of Nuclear Bomb in Story on Miss Israel’s ‘Photobomb’
From its new London headquarters (image above) The BBC has issued a correction on its story of Miss Israel’s “photobomb” of Miss Lebanon at last month’s Miss Universe pageant, saying the bombing pictured with the story in fact occurred during World War II and was unrelated to the pageant’s controversy. “Earlier today, the BBC shared a picture from a reliable...
Iran’s Supreme Leader to Speak Before Congress
Earlier this month, Benjamin Netanyahu pissed off Democrats by speaking in front of Congress about Iran’s nuclear program. He and Republican Speaker of the House John Boehner have been engaged in a hot bromance ever since. Jealous and not to be outdone, Barack Obama has requested that Iranian Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khamenei speak before Congress in favor of negotiations. “I...
Confused Canadian Fighter Pilot Bombs Wrong Middle Eastern Country
A lone, disoriented Canadian pilot has inadvertently joined Saudi Arabia in a bombing run over military installations in Yemen held by Shiite rebels. “I guess I zigged when I should’ve zagged,” Captain Luc Forget said after flipping a bitch midair and returning to base. Forget normally flies sorties over ISIS-held territory in Syria with his wingman, Lieutenant Gordy Furtado. “Gordy had had...
Israel Defense Force in thrilling tie-in with Marvel Film Studios
In a move guaranteed to delight fan boys everywhere, the IDF has agreed to a ten-year marketing agreement with the people that brought you The Avengers and Guardians of the Galaxy. The move means that from now on IDF operations will not be burdened with such yawn-encouraging names as “Cast Lead” or “Protective Edge” and instead will benefit from much snappier...
Honest Working Youngsters Step Up The Search For Fabled Israeli Gold
A number of European cities have recently seen an upsurge of brave young men banding together in order to search for their city’s Israeli Gold. Having staged successful searches in European capitals such as Paris, Copenhagen, Rome and others, the band of explorers recently turned their sights to London, the capital of the civilized world. Being tipped off as to...
Devil Announces Record Profits Following Israeli Election
Lucifer LLC announced better than expected earning results this week, following the Israeli election. While analysts are still studying the documents, it looks as though the majority of the earnings came from one major client. “We gave Bibi the nickname ‘Rainmaker’” the Devil said, lighting a Cuban cigar with the snap of his fingers and adjusting the ‘Customer of the...
Group praised for pointing out the real threat to Israel
Extreme wedding crashers, known as ‘Lehava‘, have been praised for drawing attention to the most pressing threat to Israeli security to occur since Israel’s Independence: crazy Israeli-Jews. For some time analysts have been torn between deciding whether continued moves by Iran to marry long range ballistic missiles with nuclear weapons or the zone of insecurity caused by the fighting in Syria...
U.S to Move Embassy to Jerusalem; Cites Tel Aviv Rent Prices
In a move long sought by Israeli officials, the U.S. will be moving its embassy to Jerusalem, granting the city de facto recognition as the capital of the Jewish state. The State Department insisted, however, that the decision was not due to a change in policy but simply because the American government could not afford the rent on its beachfront...