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“War on Chametz” Claims First Victims as Rabbis attack Bread Truck
Last year’s Good Matzo collapsed yesterday with the first violence of this Passover season. Masked rabbis firebombed Vinnie Agastino’s bread truck as it rolled through Brooklyn’s Crown Heights neighborhood. While Mr. Agastino suffered only moderate injuries, some four dozen casualties occurred in the form of focaccia and ciabatta loaves burned beyond recognition. A sack of uncounted dinner rolls was also...
Leaders of Israeli Left Gather for a Play Date with Palestinian Girl
Following their embarrassing defeat to amateur cartoonist Bibi Netanyahu in the Israeli elections, leaders of the Israeli left-wing political parties gathered at the house of Rada Aburish, a four-year-old Palestinian girl from East Jerusalem. “We came to apologize for our failure at promoting the cause of persecuted minorities, majorities, orientations, disorientations, social groups, Google groups and all those who like...
Killing for Your God Totally Reasonable, According to Recent Study
In the wake of another heroic murderous onslaught by three totally brave and noble guys at the French satirical magazine, Charlie Hebdo, a new study has brought exciting new data to light. Killing on behalf of your beliefs is, in fact, totally cool. Not all religious people are extremists, but even those that are, are totally stand-up citizens, and we...
Bibi Blames Escaped Evil Twin, Gribi, For Harsh Election Statements
Netanyahu’s spokesman today revealed that comments made in the lead up to Israel’s recent election regarding Arab voters and blocking a Palestinian state, were in fact made by Bibi’s previously unknown evil twin, Gribi. “The Netanyahu family doesn’t like to speak about Gribi. He’s their dark secret. They realized Gribi’s evil nature after the boys were born and locked him...
Operation ‘Frenemy’ begins in Syria
Up until now as confusing as Bashar al-Assad’s wispy moustache, America’s war against ISIS in Syria will soon hone in on who the enemy exactly is by incorporating that most effective weapon of mass distraction: the text message. Rebels of questionable allegiance will be sent this electronic message: “USA: BFF or DOA?” Based on their answers, the White House will...
Israel Begins Construction of Glass Houses in Attempt to Discourage Stone Throwing
This week Israel announced that it will begin to build glass houses for Palestinians in the hopes that the delicate domiciles will discourage the stone-throwing that has become a staple of clashes with Israeli police. “The throwing of rocks at our security forces has reached unacceptable levels,” a high-ranking Israeli intelligence official announced earlier today. “Look, it’s a well known...
Assad Admits he ‘Overcompensates’ for his Father’s Belief that He’d Never Amount to Much of a Mass Murderer
In a wide-ranging interview with The Mideast Beast, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad admitted that he likely ‘overcompensates’ for his father Hafez Assad’s opinion that he wasn’t up to succeeding in the family business. “My father was a very competitive man. Self made. Really liked to murder people with his own hands. So you can imagine what that was like growing...
Netanyahu Blasts Obama and The Media for Taking His Stated Political Positions Seriously
After clarifying that his pre-election promise to never allow a Palestinian state in no way meant he wasn’t committed to the creation of a Palestinian state, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu lashed out at President Obama and the international media for implying that his public statements in some way reflected his genuine political positions. “I am disturbed and angered to...
Full transcript of President Obama’s Congratulatory phone call to Netanyahu
Beginning of transcript End of transcript...
ISIS Declares Official Food Strawberry-Vanilla Yogurt
Sometimes passports just aren’t enough. When it comes to nation building, the Islamic State has amped it up to the next level: declaring their official food. “The choice was pretty obvious,” explains one ISIS member, preferring to go by the pseudonym Sharia Snacker. “Nothing says violent fundamentalist Islam like strawberry-vanilla yogurt.” The decision was unanimous. In an unrelated note, those...
Iraqis building new capital city inside Iran
The Iraqi government has announced plans to build a new capital to the east of the present one, Baghdad. The new city, to be named Shangri Mullah, will be located inside the Iranian capital, Tehran (image above). “The Islamic Republic of Iran fully supports Iraq’s territorial integrity. No threats, promises or bribes were involved in the Iraqi government’s decision to...
Someone’s Super-Excited for the Jeb Bush Reunion Tour
Jeb Bush’s impending presidential announcement, greeted by yawns from most, has electrified the Neo-Con fanboy community. Fans bid up tickets to Bush’s foreign policy speech, given at the Chicago Council of Global Affairs, to as high as $15. All were desperate to catch a glimpse of a neo-con ‘rockstar,’ and maybe snag an autograph. “I heard Paul Wolfowitz is on...
Israel PR on Lookout for Hotter, Cooler Pro-Israel Celebrities
Ever since last summer’s armed conflict between Israel and Gazan combatants, Israel continues to lose the media war. A representative from the Defense Ministry’s Department of Mentally Challenged PR said, “It’s unfortunate that the Pro-Palestinian camp has such good looking supporters. People like Mark Ruffalo, Javier Barden, and Penelope Cruz have all come out in support of the Palestinian cause. Then again, they...
Mel Gibson Appointed to United Nations Post
The United Nations has finally found a successor to Richard Falk for the position of Special Rapporteur for the Palestinian territories, naming actor and director Mel Gibson to the post. “When Richard left the position, we never thought we’d be able to fill his shoes,” a UN source explained to The Israeli Daily. “The guy thinks 9/11 was an inside...
Bashar Assad Blames Syrian Civil War Death Toll on Lack of Doctors
Syrian President Bashar Assad has accused his country’s medical professionals of violating their Hippocratic Oath by abandoning the approximately 200,000 men, women and children who have perished since civil war broke out four years ago. “Truth be told, most of the injuries started out as flesh wounds. Had our doctors not up and left their countrymen, the death toll would...
Netanyahu Gives Graduation Speech at Area Middle-School
Hot on the heels of his landmark appearance before congress, oral orator Binyamin Netanyahu continued his tour of the United States. After speaking at the quarterly employee meeting of Angelcakes Bakery in Detroit, MI, and entertaining the guests of Uncanny Valley Nursing Home in Tulsa, OK, Netanyahu delivered an address to the 174 students of Flatland-Hills Junior High in Greensboro,...
Iranian Official Who Dismissed Netanyahu Speech Wakes Up Without Hand
An Iranian government official who publicly responded to Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s address to the US Congress last week by pretending to play the world’s smallest violin has had his hand removed, The Israeli Daily reported. Alborz Javadi, spokesman for Iranian President Hassan Rouhani, noted that whenever the amputation took place, he didn’t feel a thing. “Last thing I remember,...
Governor Hopes “Come Terrorize Jersey!” Campaign May Lift Flagging Presidential Prospects
Despite a long history of governors using tourism ads to raise their national profile, many wondered why New Jersey Governor Chris Christie (just slightly pudgy fellow in above image) has directed his Tourism Department to launch a television campaign buying time exclusively in Syria, Lebanon, Saudi Arabia, and Pakistan. Tourism Commissioner, Mrs Cannas Toplyin, released a statement, “Governor Christie knows that...
This Time It’s Going to Be Brilliant!
Only months ago, a new age began to dawn in Iraq as that last corrupt, incompetent, and yes let’s face it slightly creepy chap has been replaced by a charming, talented and darkly handsome fellow, who is in no shape or form going to screw everything up royally. One White House Spokesman was bursting with happiness “we’ve backed a winner...
Obama Beginning to Suspect that Republicans Don’t Much Care for Him
Despite herculean efforts to mask their antipathy, President Obama is beginning to suspect that Republicans don’t much care for him. “At first, I thought it had to do with me being, you know, ‘the new guy’ – President after less than one term in the Senate – but now I’m beginning to think it may go deeper than that,” Obama...