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Disappointed Man Discovers that Famous Israeli Salad is Just Cucumbers and Tomatoes
“It’s just kind of bland,” said Ari Hirsch after trying his first bite of Israeli salad. The Philadelphia native was “super stoked” to try the supposed famous delicacy for the first time today. Hirsch has heard tales of the legendary food for years from family, friends, teachers, and fellow synagogue patrons. “’It’s healthy,’ ‘it’s delicious,’ ‘it’s real Israeli food!’ I’ve...
West Coast JAP Thanks BDS Activist for Punching Her in Face, Catalyzing Coveted Nose Job
LOS ANGELES – A Jewish American college student has won $300,000 in damages after she was viciously assaulted at an Israeli-organized falafel promotion event last year. In August 2015, at the opening of the Israeli Foreign Ministry-sponsored International Falafel Pride Week, 19-year-old Natalie Gadoloff was nibbling on her deep-fried mass of ground chickpeas when a group of BDS activists began...
Citing “EU-Funded Good Life,” PA President Abbas Vows to Run for Second Infinite-Year Term
RAMALLAH – Despite habitually threatening to resign, Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas – now in the eleventh year of a four-year term – announced earlier today at a press conference that he would seek re-election when his current term ends in infinity years. “The last 11 years have been a time of tremendous economic growth and prosperity for the Palestinian people…...
‘Jihadi John’ Joins Long List of Rappers Killed in their Youth
With British rapper-turned-ISIS-beheader Mohammed Emwazi, better known as ‘Jihadi John,’ killed in a US airstrike, experts are once again pointing to the danger of attempting a career as a hip-hop artist. “Jihadi John follows Tupac, Biggie, Run DMC, and many other rappers to see their promising careers cut short and their lives taken too soon,” one columnist wrote in The Source...
Obama to Boycott Syrian Peace Talks Due to Lack of Black Participants
President Barack Obama announced that he will boycott the Syria peace talks in Geneva, citing a lack of black leaders represented at the UN-sponsored talks. Tweeting under the hashtag “#PeaceTalksSoArab,” Obama complained that no other black leaders were represented at the conference, which aims to open a dialogue between the opposing sides in Syria’s long-running civil war. “Out of all...
Nuclear Deal That Took Years To Negotiate Dismissed In Minutes By Armchair Politicians On Twitter
“Barack HUSSEIN Obama’s nclr deal is #awful #worstpresidenteva!” said renowned Twitter scholar @Obama_St1nks in response to the deal designed to slow Iran’s nuclear marathon. @Obama_St1nks is not alone in his or her opinion, as hundreds of Twitter academics flocked to join his or her dissension. It does appear that the highly educated and influential intellectuals of social media have deconstructed...
Netanyahu Endorses Trump, Says “Iowans are Idiots – No One Does Islamophobia Like Donny”
JERUSALEM – Calling him “the Jew-loving anti-Obama we’ve been waiting for,” Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu smashed diplomatic protocol today by endorsing Donald Trump for U.S. President. Despite the Republican candidate’s stinging loss in the Iowa Caucus, the Israeli premier called the controversial billionaire “a true winner, unafraid to tell it like it is and a man who shares my...
Following Obama’s Remark, 2016 Presidential Hopefuls Seek to ‘Out-Jew’ One Another
President Barack Obama’s claim that he’s “the closest thing to a Jew that has ever sat in this office” has both Republicans and Democrats running for the 2016 presidential nomination scrambling to highlight their Jewish ancestral roots. “I don’t really look like my brother or sister. And though I was raised in a Spanish-speaking home, I was never able to learn...
Obama Reevaluating Relationship with Michelle Following Snide Remark
U.S. President Barack Obama announced Wednesday he is in the process of reevaluating his relationship with his wife, Michelle, after the First Lady made remarks which the president felt were “hurtful and counterproductive to a positive marital relationship.” The strife began late Monday night, after Michelle discovered that the President had left an open jar of Jiffy’s peanut butter on...
Netanyahu Finishes Fourth in Iowa Republican Caucuses
With supporters citing his strong opposition to the Iranian nuclear deal, his position as an outsider in the U.S. political system, and his unparalleled disdain for President Obama, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu surprised pollsters with a fourth-place finish in Monday’s Iowa Republican caucuses. Though he has not declared his candidacy and is not even an American citizen, Netanyahu received...
Lebanese Release Captured Vulture After Discovering it is a Rabid Anti-Semite
Lebanese authorities have released a captured vulture that they accused of spying for Israel, after discovering that the bird held deeply anti Semitic and anti-zionist views. According to reports, following its initial detainment, the vulture went on an extended, garbled rant about the Elders of Zion, the occupation, and the Zionist-Jew-controlled media. Some authorities described the bird as “showing clear...
Israel Air Force’s F-35 Pet Project
In a surprise, yet totally expected announcement, General Amir “Impact Crater” Feldman, Head of the Israel Air Force (IAF), confirmed that the new F-35, which “can’t turn, can’t climb, can’t run,” would be a literal pet project for the IAF. “The days of flying, dropping bombs and shooting down the enemy are over,” he said in an off-the-record briefing to...
ISIScope of the Month / Al-Aquarius: More Slaves Coming Your Way
In February, your quintessential energy – as seen in the way you hack through every last bit of defiant neck gristle during a beheading – will bring you good fortune, but challenges will also present themselves, requiring caution and preventative action. REWARDS: As an Al-Aquarius-born jihadi, your creativity and vision propel you to ever-bloodier heights, and your novel contributions to building the...
In Defense of Nuclear Deal, Obama Cites Iran’s “Pinky Swear”
Facing broad criticism for differences between US and Iranian interpretations of the recent framework agreement, President Obama cited Iran’s willingness to pinky swear as proof of their good intentions. “As every child knows,” Obama opined during a press conference, “the pinky swear represents an unbreakable commitment.” Republicans were quick to doubt these assurances. Senator Bob Corker questioned whether there was...
LEAKED: Assad Therapy Tapes Reveal “Major Daddy Issues” Fuel His Insatiable Butchery
“It all began when bābā told my big bro Bas that he’d one day inherit the entire Middle East, and all I’d get was crappy Palestine,” relays a tearful Bashar al-Assad in one of 200 shocking tapes leaked to TMB by the Syrian President’s once trusted psychotherapist. In the possession of Oxford-educated Dr. Abdul Bhulldustani – who met with President Assad...
“Israel Is Not a State Mr President!”
Iran has welcomed historic developments as Obama announced that Israel was not a State. The President made the hastily prepared remarks after being politely informed during a game of ‘Name All 50 US States”’ on a flight to Saudi Arabia that Israel was not in fact a US State as he had initially thought. Obama explained Israel’s constant demand to...
Iranian Official: “We Would Have Given Up Nuclear Ambitions If Obama Had Gotten A Better Deal”
In a bombshell announcement earlier today, a high-ranking Iranian official went on the record as saying that Iran was ready to abandon its nuclear pursuits prior to the signing of the now infamous deal with U.S. President Barack Obama. According to the official, the Iranian negotiating team was ready to acquiesce to all demands made by the international community, but...
Jeb Bush: If President, I Won’t Lick Saudi Ass Like My Bro Did
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a bid to distance himself from his older brother’s checkered legacy, GOP presidential candidate Jeb Bush has promised a major shift in U.S. Mideast policy. “The Iranians are not the only ones supporting extremism in the region: the Saudis are just as much to blame,” Jeb Bush said in an interview with The Washington Post. “Read...
Rabbi Who Called Palestinians “Sub-Human” Outraged by Critics Comparing Him to Nazis
HEBRON – After declaring Palestinians “blood-sucking parasites unworthy of life,” prominent West Bank Rabbi Yosef Goepstein has expressed shocked indignation at accusations that he is no different than the Nazis, who described Jews in similar terms. Goepstein, the chief rabbi of Kiryat Arba and recipient of the 2015 Israel Prize for “Superior Contributions to Jewish Ethics and Talmudic Thought,” was...
French President Under Fire for Hiding Strippers During Meeting with Iranian Leaders
In a move critics have called a feckless cultural capitulation, French leaders banned the government’s team of strippers from attending a meeting with Iranian President Hassan Rouhani Thursday. The decision to remove the strippers was made in order to accommodate Iran’s conservative government, which strictly enforces modestly laws on women in its country. The controversy comes just days after the...