Archives

Al Qaeda Claims Responsibility for Deflating Footballs
, ,

Al Qaeda Claims Responsibility for Deflating Footballs

Calling it the organization’s most successful operation on U.S. soil in years, al Qaeda chief Ayman al-Zawahiri claimed responsibility for the deflated football during the AFC Championship and for causing millions of Americans to question the integrity of the Super Bowl. “In a tremendous blow to the American infidels, we infiltrated the New England Patriots locker room and had our...

Saudi Women Allowed to Vote But Husbands Hide Car Keys
,

Saudi Women Allowed to Vote But Husbands Hide Car Keys

What seemed a monumental step for advancing women’s rights in Saudi Arabia – the right to register and vote for the first time in the conservative kingdom’s history – is more like a baby step with a full diaper. Starting August 22, women were able to register for upcoming elections, but The Mideast Beast reports indicate that only 16 have...

Special TMB Report: What’s Inside the ‘Nazi Gold Train’?
, ,

Special TMB Report: What’s Inside the ‘Nazi Gold Train’?

Obtained from leaked Polish government documents, The Mideast Beast has compiled a list of the contents of the Nazi Gold Train hidden near the polish town of Walbrych:   150 pounds of pyrite gathered by some soldier named Hans who thought he struck it big A delicately wrapped gold ring that Hitler was supposed to propose to Eva Braun with...

Knife-Wielding Terror Child Beheads Defenseless Teddy Bear
, ,

Knife-Wielding Terror Child Beheads Defenseless Teddy Bear

PETA outrage grows over junior Jihad’s beheading of loveable plush teddy. “This savage, brutal assault is nothing new for these throwbacks. Too bad the little prick didn’t transgender himself with that blade,” noted an angry PETA Panda bear . The newly released chilling video shows an Islamic State punk-ass toddler, identified as the son of a jihadi; maxed-out in militant garb,...

Third World Leaders Congratulate Netanyahu After UN Names Israel Worst Human Rights Violator

Third World Leaders Congratulate Netanyahu After UN Names Israel Worst Human Rights Violator

After the UN’s World Health Organization declared Israel the world’s top violator of health rights, world leaders from throughout Africa, Central Asia and the Middle East congratulated Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin “Bibi” Netanyahu on his country’s impressive feat. The designation has earned Netanyahu the admiration of dictators throughout the world, as the Israeli premier has suddenly become one of the...

Demolished Ancient Temple in Syria to be Rebuilt with Lego Bricks
,

Demolished Ancient Temple in Syria to be Rebuilt with Lego Bricks

After Islamic State demolition teams planted explosives which took down the 2,000-year-old shrine of Baal Shamin in the Syrian city of Palmyra, UNESCO has offered to rebuild the first century AD relic using popular LEGO® Bricks. Lego, the world’s largest toy manufacturer, based in Billund, Denmark, will recreate the pagan house of worship using its unique system of patented snap-together...

Islamic State’s Currency Spooked as China’s Stock Market Plummets

Islamic State’s Currency Spooked as China’s Stock Market Plummets

The Dinar (the newly minted currency of ISIS) has depreciated dramatically following shocking tremors in the international economy. It has wreaked havoc in business confidence in the Levant region. The region was left at the mercy to financial speculators and bankers, which even had Kurdish military forces saying, “dude, that’s a bit harsh.” RELATED: Islamic State’s ‘Second in Command’ Shocked to Find his Name on Ashley...

Exclusive: The Mideast Beast Releases Leaked Al Qaeda Job Application
,

Exclusive: The Mideast Beast Releases Leaked Al Qaeda Job Application

Recently, the U.S. government released a trove of documents found in 2011 in Osama bin Laden’s compound in Abbottabad, Pakistan, including an al Qaeda job application form. Through an anonymous source (it was Joe Biden), The Mideast Beast has obtained a copy of this form.   Al Qaeda Job Application Thank you for your interest in joining al Qaeda, the world’s number...

Report: United States to Possibly Supply Iran With Nukes
,

Report: United States to Possibly Supply Iran With Nukes

U.S. Secretary of State, John Kerry, has floated the possibility of providing Iran with nuclear weapons from its stockpile of ‘like-new’ surplus inventory. According to Kerry, “This action would eliminate the need for Tehran to develop weapons of mass destruction; cut valuable manufacturing time; do away with all the rather cumbersome problems of inspection and verification, which they won’t agree...

Chinese Caliphate “ISUS” Faces Multi-Million Dollar Counterfeiting Suit
,

Chinese Caliphate “ISUS” Faces Multi-Million Dollar Counterfeiting Suit

According to various news reports, The Islamic State has filed a massive lawsuit with the International Criminal Court against ISUS, or the “Islamic State Universal Sales Corp” over alleged counterfeiting and copyright infringement breaches. Calling itself “a cost-effective brand” that offers “Quality Jihad,” ISUS emerged soon after the founding of the original, when potential recruits complained about the high cost...

Iranian Leader Questions Obama’s Citizenship; Halts Negotiations
,

Iranian Leader Questions Obama’s Citizenship; Halts Negotiations

Nuclear negotiations have come to a halt as Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, Iran’s supreme leader, demanded to see President Obama’s long-form birth certificate before continuing discussions. Khamenei’s decision came after a letter sent by 47 Senate Republicans revealed that any deal signed with the President would be null and void because of a law requiring that he be born in the United...

Syrians Welcome BBC Clean Air Report
,

Syrians Welcome BBC Clean Air Report

Syrians have welcomed a new BBC report stating that air quality has improved substantially in the Middle East since the start of the civil war. Syrian civilian Abu Uba commented, “It’s really amazing news. Apparently levels of nitrogen dioxide have plummeted over Damascus and Aleppo. My family’s life expectancy should sky rocket. If it wasn’t for, you know, rockets…” One...

‘End of the World’ Will Ruin Iran’s Dreams of Wiping Israel Off the Map
,

‘End of the World’ Will Ruin Iran’s Dreams of Wiping Israel Off the Map

According to numerous biblical theorists, a massive asteroid, meteor, or comet, large enough to spell the end of mankind is on a collision course with Earth. The disturbing claim along with several other end-time prophecies has created panic and mass hysteria worldwide. Despite The National Aeronautics and Space Administration’s (NASA) attempts to calm fears and tamp down the doomsday prediction,...

Standards Likely to be Lowered in Syrian Rebel Recruitment
, ,

Standards Likely to be Lowered in Syrian Rebel Recruitment

As the number of Syrian rebels undergoing US Army training reaches 60 of the hoped-for 5,400, US Defense Secretary Ashton Carter has admitted that standards may have to “drop just a tad.” “At the moment a lot of people seem to think we are a being a bit too prescriptive in our selection procedure. For example, we ask whether they’ve...

The Jumbotron to be Installed Atop the Temple Mount in Jerusalem
,

The Jumbotron to be Installed Atop the Temple Mount in Jerusalem

A journalist from The Mideast Beast using fake BBC press credentials has learned the gigantic-screen television system known as Jumbotron will be put in place atop Haram al-Sharif (also known as the Temple Mount) and used for lectures, sermons and hate speeches by the firebrand Palestinian cleric Issam Amira at Al-Aqsa Mosque. The screen is designed to accommodate very large...

Pope Declares Catholic Apostasy Punishable by Death
,

Pope Declares Catholic Apostasy Punishable by Death

His Holiness, Pope Francis is set to return the Catholic Church to ‘good old fashioned values’ at the latest meeting of senior Catholic leaders discussing doctrinal changes next week. Sources close to the infallible funny hat-wearer indicate that he will announce that anyone seeking to leave the Church will be killed. While there is no love lost between Christians and...

Iran Considering Military Strike Against Iran following Suspicious Soil Sample
,

Iran Considering Military Strike Against Iran following Suspicious Soil Sample

Iran declared Friday that it has not ruled out military action against Iran, after Iranian inspectors reported that a soil sample from the Parchin military base contained traces of radioactive material. “After conducting a thorough inspection of the Parchin facility, we have found substantial evidence to suggest we might be illegally enriching uranium,” said Iranian President Hassan Rouhani. “If our...

After Reading Amnesty International Report, Netanyahu a Bit Jealous of Hamas
,

After Reading Amnesty International Report, Netanyahu a Bit Jealous of Hamas

Following the release of an Amnesty International report accusing Hamas of executing political opponents (among other war crimes) during last summer’s war in Gaza, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu was reportedly seen kicking himself for leaving his own domestic critics unharmed during the operation. “While I’m wasting my time and taxpayer money creating bogus ministries and made-up positions for my political...