RAMALLAH – Despite habitually threatening to resign, Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas – now in the eleventh year of a four-year term – announced earlier today at a press conference that he would seek re-election when his current term ends in infinity years.
“The last 11 years have been a time of tremendous economic growth and prosperity for the Palestinian people… Well, at least for one Palestinian,” Abbas said, pointing to himself. “Life just wouldn’t be worth living if I had to give up all that European Union pampering, especially the gold-plated bidet that Sweden’s foreign minister personally had installed in my presidential bedroom last month. Indeed, I’m very much looking forward to serving out the rest of my never-ending time in office, not to mention having a pristine perineum and dangleberry-free anus for eternity.”
Abbas then outlined some of his goals for the ensuing decades, including the construction of a lavish new presidential palace with Scandinavian-funded bidets in all 48 bedrooms, the introduction of a Palestinian currency with his face on the back of every banknote, and enjoying many more trips to Camp David to engage in fruitless U.S.-brokered negotiations toward a two-state solution.
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While Abbas’ announcement was met with widespread groaning and eye rolling in the West Bank, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu for one expressed relief. “I know I criticize him a lot and call him a terrorist and anti-Semite,” Netanyahu reportedly told a close aide, “but just imagine how much harder my job of keeping an independent Palestinian state in the deep freeze would be if the PA had a youthful, democratic leader with the charisma and popular mandate to sign a peace agreement? No, my mate Mahmoud is the perfect tool for perpetuating Israeli control over the West Bank – may he rule until at least 120!”